2024-01-10: .here come my thoughts and tensionS
- Log: .here come my thoughts and tensionS
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Rain Mikamura
- Where: The Photon Power Labs
- Date: 2024-01-10 (ICly February 0098)
- Summary: Dr. Mikamura is brought in to try and help Yuliana -- and though she's clearly sceptical of letting a doctor mess with her, she gives her enough of a chance for Rain to teach her a thing or two about mindfulness. She takes another lesson from Rain's concern, too... maybe she's too quick to hide her monstrous features.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana has returned to the Photon Power Labs, in February, for further assessment. They've analysed the Orchid Cells which Elisa sent to them, and managed to replicate them with their Photonic technology; they have imaging of Yuliana's brain to see how those cells work in a biological host environment, too.
But all the research into that alien genesis can't get around the fact...
... that Yuliana is an unstable sort of woman.
And so: they've called in a doctor to try and help her, instead of just looking at her scientifically. Dr. Mikamura's compassion made her a good fit, and so Yuliana waits for her, in an office with a computer all set up beside the couch she's sitting on.
(On it, Rain will be able to access Yuliana's notes, if she hasn't seen them already -- and the results of all those investigations.)
<Pose Tracker> Rain Mikamura has posed.
Rain is never one to turn down genuine appeals for help; however, when she's reached out to and asked to help check in with Yuliana Kafim, she can't help but be a bit surprised. Before agreeing, of course. Again, not one to turn down genuine appeals. Then, once off the call, she rubs her face, before briskly setting up a reminder for the visit.
And now..
There's a brisk knock on the door. "Mrs. Kafim? It's Rain, Rain Mikamura. May I enter?"
Yes, Yuliana has the ability to go tell her to eff off.
When she is allowed in, Rain is still in her signature headband, but she's ditched her normal outfit... and also is not wearing a labdoctor's coat. Her blouse is still the same pink shade as normal, but she's ditched the skirt for pants instead, to go with her heels. Rather than hover, she takes a seat, hands clasped in front of her. "... This is probably going to be a little awkward. Call me Rain, or Mikamura. No need for titles." She says, straightforward. "I can call you Mrs. Kafim, or whatever you would like." A look at the computer, but she shakes her head. ""... Before we get started with anything, please... Is there anything you don't want me to pry into heavily? We'll probably touch on anything, but... I don't want to stress you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana looks up from where she's clasping her hands together, and blinks. "No, that's fine," she says, and sounds surprised that she has call to say it. "Come in, Doctor."
And, of course, it's uncomfortable to sit too close to her; Yuliana frowns, and shifts back on the couch to put some more distance between them. (She is minding her manners.) Dressed in a green cardigan closed over a white shirt and dull blue jeans, she's quite casual, and appears entirely human.
(She's folded her frills away behind her ears and is hiding her tentacles in that cardigan, you see. ... she can't hide her eyes, though; they're pupilless, looking to Rain, as she enters.)
"Mm," Yuliana frowns, one hand switching over to grasp the other, in her lap. "... Yuliana's fine." Her ankles cross over each other, too; she's trying to be subtle about her barrier positions, but they're clearly there. She's feeling defensive from the outset. She's quiet, for a moment, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "... I just don't want you poking and prodding me, all right?" She says, frowning. "Physically, I mean. I don't feel like it."
Her fingers tap on the back of her hand, as she says: "Which I suppose rather puts you out of a job, right now. You can't very well doctor me without manhandling me, can you?" And her tone is standoffish, but she's at least talking, so it's -- well, she could be worse.
<Pose Tracker> Rain Mikamura has posed.
Yuliana takes an admittedly good dig at the nature of being a doctor, but Rain isn't entirely phased by it.
"I have ways, and all you need to do is practice them, and I can stay right over here." Rain remarks, glancing over to the computer. "I've taken a brief look over the notes that were given over, but I have a question for you. Have you ever heard of the practices of mindfulness before?" She asks her. "It's a series of types of meditation. Stuff that I don't have to do to you, and that generally you can mostly practice anywhere, any time, with some that require a bit more of an effort, but I would also recommend finding the time to intersperse them with the more easily usable methods."
"Yes, I can guess to some questions. Why meditation? For one, it's an easily adaptable method that you can use to combat things like negative thinking, improve your sleep and attention span, and help reduce stress and relax yourself. It is also a solo activity, so you can do it without anyone's assistance, and it is not medication, but has noted evidence for its' effectiveness."
More softly, she adds on, "Mindfulness to one's self is important, Yuliana. It's a chance to stop and reconnect with yourself, and nurture your own frame of mind even in situations that can be potentially triggering of bouts of anxiety and pain, possibly even depression."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana frowns, arms crossing over her chest more blatantly as she hears Rain out. Her fingers drum against her elbow, as her heel taps against the side of the couch.
"Yeah, I heard of meditation," she scowls. "What, close your eyes, empty out your head, and think about a calm stream? Sure, I can do that. And when I do, this world falls away, and I See the next." The tapping increases in rate; she's agitated. "Not that there's no clarity in something like that, but I thought you wanted me to get distance from Her."
She doesn't realise that she's laid out something important: when Yuliana's meditating, she's not connecting with the world and the place she occupies in it. She's distancing herself from her thoughts, and that distance only brings her closer to something else.
She's probably not the sort to stop and feel the texture of her clothes, take in the smell and taste of tea, or listen to the bustle of a lively Labratory outside.
"So, what, it's like that? I've tried that." Yuliana evidently hasn't tried what Rain's actually talking about. Defensively, she snaps: "What, is this one of those 'coping skills' Eight was going on about? Well, I suppose it would be how I cope with this world, being able to lean on Her. But if that's how it is, I clearly don't need them!" She pauses, and adds, shaking her head: "... no, maybe I do. I'm being terribly impolite, you know... letting people get between us. I should... I should be a better wife."
And that's in the notes, too: the way Yuliana keeps losing confidence in her attempts to distance herself from the Empress, who is, apparently, also her wife. That Godlike being sent a part of Herself to Earth, and that part is Elisa -- and now, Elisa and the Empress disagree on just how the Gate should be opened.
(Yuliana. Yuliana's the Gate, and opening it may well involve killing her.)
<Pose Tracker> Rain Mikamura has posed.
"I see."
Rain closes her eyes momentarily. "So whenever you close your eyes and think of a stream, or perhaps just a tree in the distance, it takes you to the next. It brings you to the world apart from this one; and that is the difference in what I am talking about and just basic meditation."
"Try this with me, please."
"Get comfortable; either sit relaxed with your hands in your lap and fleet flat against the floor, or sit down on the floor with your legs in front of you, hands wherever you would like." Rain takes her own advice, migrating from the chair to the floor, lanky legs out and pointed away from Yuliana, arms loose as she sits back against the wall.
"Breathe steadily through your nose." Rain murmurs, keeping her voice level but firm, so that Yuliana can focus on it without it taking away from the idea. "Close your eyes. We're not going to think of a clear stream. I want you to focus on yourself. Take a moment, get your breathing into a familiar pattern... in; out." Rain herself is doing a calm six seconds in six-out combination.
"Ask yourself, how are you doing right now? Listen to what your body tells you in response; not only will you think but your feelings and body itself might react. That's fine." More soothing whispers. "Don't react immediately to whatever sensations you get. Take a moment, pause, exhale. Acknowledge what your body is telling you. Allow yourself to experience those emotions, without fighting them or needing to explain them to me, or even yourself."
"Take it one at a time... breathe..."
Rain is feeling awkward but confident right now, but the focus of the idea... well, if this is the only thing she can get Yuliana to practice, she can't be disappointed; after all, she's here to try to help her.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Hrnn..." Yuliana grumbles, but she puts her hands to the couch and slides down to the floor, slowly. She stretches her legs out in front of her -- she has a rather impressive set of boots on -- and folds her hands in her lap, back against the couch.
She frowns, as well, when Rain tells her to close her eyes; it's uncomfortable. But after a few moments, she cedes to try that, too, eyes closing and dropping her into blackness. If Rain's are still open, she'll quite clearly see the way Yuliana bites her lip, once she does. She has one too many teeth, and the fang hanging down the right side of her face presses dangerously against her skin. That entire section of her lip is scarred; she must bite it all the time.
It takes her a while to get her breathing into a pattern, but she gets there, eventually.
"I -- I don't know," Yuliana says, her hands tightening, in her lap. "My shoulders hurt." She's still carrying a lot of tension in them; she's someone who expects to fight. "My back hurts. I can't stop clutching my stomach." Her hands are still in her lap. "What... what am I even doing? When Dr. Tian did this sort of thing with me, it always -- you know, she was nice about it, too, but -- get away from me!"
She cries out, hands flying up to grasp at her ears -- but she still doesn't, notably, open her eyes. Something damp leaks from them. She ignores it.
"N--no, it's not you," she mutters, shoulders curling in as her hands drop back down. And she takes another breath, in and out. In... and out. "It's just, this." The entire patient-provider relationship, presumably. "I'm -- scared to focus on it. What if I lose my grip? I didn't even think the world was real. It's -- it's confronting, all right?" But she shakes her head, and insists: "But of course I can do it. It's simple. It's simple."
Out, and in. She's spent all this time explaining herself to herself, and to Rain -- but finally she quiets down, as she examines herself in the chair. She weighs heavily in it, overweight from the one comfort her medications will allow her; the cotton of her shirt disguises much of the wool of her cardigan, but for the hems at the edges. Her tentacles are cold against her belly, but her face feels hot, even though her ears are cold. She notices her tension, still expecting some order slipped like poison in her ear. She notices that she's noticing it, even though she's afraid. It's because she trusts Leina, who trusts Sayaka; or, perhaps, just because she promised her wife she'd trust them. Yuliana has one thought before the other, but both feel true.
And the strangest thing happens: that tension actually does leak out of her shoulders, when she quiets down, as surely as if she were in her wife's arms. Her clumsy breathing grows deeper and steadier, and her fingers relax, in her lap.
Finally, in a small voice, she remarks: "That's weird..." She's never just sat with herself, evidently; whoever Dr. Tian was, she can't have taught her anything like this. "Um," Yuliana starts, hesitantly, "can I open my eyes, now?"
She's strikingly compliant, as a patient.
<Pose Tracker> Rain Mikamura has posed.
Rain does close her eyes within Yuliana doing so, mostly to make sure that there isn't sort of any issues with the physical activity, mentally noting the fang and scars. She holds her breath pattern simple; allowing Yuliana to pick up on her own pattern, to guide her own.
"I'm right over here, Yuliana. I won't do anything while we're doing this except what I'm asking you to do." She knows that might be hard to believe, but indeed, if Yuliana peeks, Rain's relaxed against the wall, eyes closed, as her own thoughts drift off. Aside from that response, though, she won't talk; she wants Yuliana to react to herself, not Rain react to Yuliana.
It's easy to notice when Yuliana manages to get everything under control enough to do what she's encouraging; in that the quiet in the room stretches on between the two. Rain says nothing; she doesn't need to, nor does she want to. When Yuliana does finally speak up again, she opens her eyes and glances over at Yuliana, noting the relaxing and the breathing changes.
"Yes, of course. You probably don't need to close them when doing this exercise, but it might be helpful for concentration at first until you can find yourself in that zone more easily as you practice."
"How was that, compared to what you've done before?" She asks. She has an inkling, but knowing will tell her if she wants to keep pushing this type of thing or not.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
On the one hand, Yuliana's heard it all before -- that a doctor won't do anything to her. But when Yuliana does peek, Rain is doing what she told Yuliana to do. It's... encouraging?
Encouraging enough for her to do as she's asked, anyway.
"So it's a matter of concentration..." Yuliana frowns, looking down at her hands. "I suppose that makes sense. I do tend to cut things out when I'm concentrating. But not my sight, generally... I just ignore everything that isn't my target." She's not talking about her everyday life, of course, but a battle.
If that's at all a familiar statement, she either doesn't realise or doesn't care to connect the dots.
"That wasn't so bad," Yuliana decides, delicately. "I mean, I guess I freaked out a little, but... I was just worried you were going to... do something." She frowns, pulling one of her legs up, to curl her arms around it. "... not that I think you would. Leina seems to think this is all trustworthy, so I guess it's not like you'd try anything like that... it'd be stupid of you, too. My wife wouldn't forgive you." And Yuliana's wife may very well be a part of a God, for all her fearsome powers.
"But I didn't... See. I guess I had more feelings than I thought I did, and they were all tied up in how my body was feeling... I've never, um, sat down with myself like that," she tries to put words to it, strangely clumsy about it all. "I guess I don't know myself that well... even though I tell my people to know themselves. Haa," Yuliana sighs, looking up at the ceiling, "do you think I'm a hypocrite...?"
<Pose Tracker> Rain Mikamura has posed.
Yes well, compared to many other doctors, Rain isn't an asshole.
"That's what I mean when I talk about mindfulness. It isn't about blocking or cutting out what's going on around you, but taking a moment to figure out why you're responding to stimulus - or lack thereof as it may be. Either that, or perhaps you're trying to figure something out or just want to take a moment to ask yourself how things are going. It can be used for any of those reasons, or even more. That's my encouragement for you; to find a way to take the time for yourself. You clearly love Elisa deeply, but everything that is going on, perhaps, means that you're not spending enough time with the most important part of you: Yourself."
"Don't take that as saying anything about neglect or anything similar, please. When we are focused on other things, it is common that we put the needs of others or the circumstances themselves first. I'm sure Elisa puts you first as she can, and that's important too."
That statement comes with a slightly strained smile, before she looks back down at her lap.
"... I won't force you to do anything. Nor will I ever touch you, without permission. I'm just going to try to help you. Also, if you're not aware of it, I wanted to bring a ... injury?...To your attention." She touches her own lip, where Yuliana's scar would be. "I think it's from your fang." Rain murmurs, kindly. A pause at the last question, and she taps her cheek.
"Honestly? Yes." She says, bluntly. "But you know now, and that's how change can start."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I don't really ask 'why'," Yuliana grumps, leaning back against the couch. "I'm more about 'how', and 'when', and 'where', and 'who'. My Elisa cares more about the long-term, generally speaking..." But she drums her fingers against her knee, and looks down at them, at the ring on her finger. "... but... when Elisa's all caught up in the future, she's relying on me to remind her about the here and now. So maybe I had better practice something like this... since of course my wife always puts me first, too."
She at least doesn't take it as a comment on neglect, though she does still seem quite grumpy about being called a hypocrite.
But finally, Yuliana's hand mirrors Rain's, touching her bottom lip. She blinks, as she realises what she's speaking of. "Oh." Her hand drops, to curl at her chest. "That. Well, you see... I was in a bad situation, and I took it out on someone. For some reason, her Captain punched me in the face... when I lost my tooth, the Republic gave me a prosthetic. But then I was exposed to the Aura of Dawn, and not only did my regular canine grow back in, this tooth became an organic part of my skull." She laughs, though it rings a touch hollow. "Lucky it only brushed past me, isn't it?"
Imagine being consumed by a corrupting force like that.
"It does catch on my skin a lot," she explains, shrugging her shoulders. "I guess the human mouth isn't really designed for it. But there's a lot humans aren't designed for that I deal with, these days. I just... don't like showing it off in public. If people saw what I am... heh, I already have a face that terrifies small children." And her grin is carried on a regretful tone, lending a bittersweet shadow to her expression.
"... but maybe I shouldn't be so modest," she wonders, as her cardigan undulates and a pair of strange snakelike tentacles slither out from inside of it. "If I want to know myself, what's the point in hiding..?"
<Pose Tracker> Rain Mikamura has posed.
If you didn't want it answered then don't ask the question, Yuliana!
In regards to the tooth and scars - "Ah, so you are aware of it. My apologies if I brought up a sensitive topic." Rain inclines her head in a moue of additonal apology. "I just wanted to make sure you were aware of it, although, I suppose with that location you had to have been. So I may have had a moment of cluelessness. Something that affects all of us at one point or the other."
"I'd like to follow up, or at least send you further details on how to do other types of mindfulness meditation that might be useful as well. I've read about some more active varieties and ones you could do while sitting in a chair as well as ones that take less time. If you're okay with continuing with this... if you'd like, we could even seperate this from a ... doctor-patient situation? Invite Leina or Sayaka to join us?"
She makes this offer before something occurs.
Yuliana's tentacles appear in a casual undulation, and Rain raises an eyebrow, before, with a smile and greeting that could really cover any amount of emotions, "Oh, I see. Hello, Yuliana. It's nice to meet you."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Maybe the question should have had a better answer then!
"I forget about it a lot," Yuliana admits, fingers pressing into her lip. "That's why it's all messed up. I need to be careful, and, I'm -- you know -- not?" A beat, "I'm not really the careful type." Again: that's really more her wife's wheelhouse.
But Yuliana is agreeable enough -- as a patient, at least. "Sure, I'll read it," she nods, when Rain offers to send her more details. "And... if you want to meet with them, I guess that would be fine. Though... I didn't think someone like you would want to see me outside of this kind of situation..." That terrible aura around her, presumably.
At least Yuliana doesn't unfurl the frills from behind her ears -- because Rain would have trouble escaping that aura, if she did. She is, still, minding her manners. "Nice... to meet you," she replies, rubbing at an arm with her opposite hand as her tentacles take up the role of curling around her leg instead.
"I don't know if the world would accept me like this... but I guess a lot of people don't really feel like accepting me these days, anyway," Yuliana sighs, as if she hadn't scarred the North Pole with her rituals. "Don't get me wrong -- it's not contagious, or anything -- this isn't a situation like the DG Cells. These gifts were given to me deliberately... by the Empress. But I guess it's a little concerning how She can reach through and change me, these days..."