2023-11-20: .something's wrong with mE
- Cutscene: .something's wrong with mE
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-11-20
- Summary: Yuliana's latest diary entry reveals an extremely labile mood, with doubt over their plans for the world, paranoia that she'll be blamed for Elisa's actions, frustration over her condition, and regret for mind controlling Alma for so long. She's too angry to finish it, but Elisa has arranged to get a copy, anyway.
Yuliana drapes on her fainting couch, tablet-diary in hand. Today, she's dictating her entry; she really doesn't feel like reading, even if it's just reading what she's written. She's generally too proud to abjure ŵriting entirely, but...
"My heart is heavy," Yuliana records, and the voice recording saved alongside the transcript registers her malaise. (It's not easy to access -- out of sight, out of mind -- but it is archived. Elisa made sure of that.) "We've planted three flowers... only one remains. And yet, I know not why we garden. Only that these flowers are like me -- one foot in the grave," and her dour aside is cut off as she corrects herself, "... excuse me. That's not it. I just meant they're not of this world, not entirely. I felt it, when the roots spread... they are here, and elsewhere, too." Violating this physical realm...
She takes a long breath. "Elya assures me, but still I doubt. I feel such guilt... I should not be so easily led astray. I know Leyasha doesn't yet understand -- so why am I dwelling on her concerns? She should be satisfied to know we work tirelessly for this world! Ugh..." Yuliana grumbles, and there's a hitch of breath as she pulls her legs up, onto the couch. "If the Republic hadn't played me for a fool... it's all because they provoked me!" And of course her perspective is warped by her lens --
-- but she's not completely wrong.
The Republic scored a victory, sacrificing the few to control the many.
"I suppose they'll blame me for Elya's methods, too," Yuliana mutters, wounded, as she tucks herself into herself. Her knees come up to her chest; her tentacles wrap about them, to latch them there. "As if I could tell her how to arrange her sacrifice... or tell her to withhold her anger! Why would I fetter my darling wife?! But I hear them now -- saying it's all my fault. Damn them... they just want a villain! Well, I can do that! I was a professional!" When she was with the REA, that is. She knows that black operations from the Republic aren't done by good people.
"No one understands... what we're trying to do," she sniffs, as she rubs at her eyes. "They call us nutcases. Terrorists! But it will be beautiful, don't they see? All that violence -- it's all because this world clings so stubbornly to existence. When the Void is come, it won't hurt any more--!!" She sobs into her hands, as if her very attempts to keep her face clean prompted a greater mess. "They're all s-so selfish... don't they realise what it's like, at night? I don't even want to rest any more... if Elya weren't there to hold me, I might never sleep again! I-I mean --" Yuliana shakes her head, and sniffs, "I know She loves me -- She adores me -- but maybe I really am still human... since it's so difficult to bear. I can scarcely comprehend Her... but what frightens me more is that I can. I feel like Leyasha said something about it... but I can't remember. I think I must have been upset... oh, but when I not upset?! It's just a fact of fucking life!"
So she wails and she cries, and the transcription struggles to keep up. Finally she sniffles, and straightens herself; she dabs at her eyes with her handkerchief, and draws in deep, ragged breath. "Hhhh," is how the tablet transcribes it. "I don't know what happened... I used to be more sure of myself. Now I always feel so helpless... I'm really out of control. I guess this is how I always was... just, the Republic was fooling me." And she is despondent, relating it. "I'm always saying 'I don't know', now... all this doubt and worry. Why am I crying? Why am I crying, when we've almost won...? I should be laughing, I should be happy... I was happy before! I hate going up and down and up and down and up and down and up and down!" There's the sound of her fist pounding down on the arm of the couch, heavily. "Rrrrgh--!!" Bang, bang, bang, and she's angry, now.
And then -- "No, I'm fine," and another breath in. "God damnit, people in to check on me... tch, no, it's not her fault. Guanyu's lovely. I'm glad we replaced our staff... I did regret seeing those dull-eyed people seeing to things." Yuliana has apparently forgotten that they didn't replace the mind-controlled section of their staff -- they only moved them to lower areas. Elisa handles all the details, of course. Yuliana hasn't seen someone under heavy mind control for months, at least not in the Castle. "I suppose we released Alma, in the end, too... ugh, that went too far. I was pleased to be able to extend Elya's influence, but once I figured out why I hated Alma acting like that... well, I guess it's not like Elya could have known I was being brainwashed. And it felt great to hurt Alma, at first... before she became such a fucking doll." Yuliana scoffs, and there's the sound of a foot tapping against the side of the couch. "Maybe I'm just the kind of sicko who needs someone to scream when they're being tortured. It's no fun when they just accept it and ask for more. When I can imagine it happening to me, I get all these scruples... I don't know."
Beat,
"Fuck! Look, there it is again! Always 'I don't know, I don't know, I don't know'! I wasn't like this!" There's a sharp intake of breath, and something shatters, against the far wall. "Something's wrong! Something's wrong with me!"
Sniff - sniffle -- sob.
"I don't feel like doing this any more," Yuliana's pout is audible, sullen and sour.
Luckily, the recording saves, even though she closes out of the entry in a huff.