2023-10-20: The Long-Suppurating Teenage Headspace
- Cast: Leina Ashta, Teletha Testarossa
- Where: Mass Villa, Moralia
- Date: U.C. 0097 10 20
- Summary: Tessa pays a small, unannounced visit to a close friend after doing something for her job. Some wounds are never healed, only hidden, untreated, and rotting for self-imposed penance.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It was too much of a coincidence, and Leina no longer believed in them. Some things were determined not by fate, but by forces of attraction stronger than mere 'chance'.
When Tessa told her she was swinging by, the first thing she did was stare at her exchange between her and Shari, currently in Barcelona meeting Gerardo.
The next thing she did was call the Cathedra security forces on the Villa grounds, to let them know she's allowed to pass without incident.
And then she began to cook. Given the amount of time she had, she chose Migas. Leftover strips of corn tortillas which she cut into strips and fried until crispy, scrambling up some eggs.
"Hm, does she like spicy?" Leina tapped a ladle to the side of her cheek, currently dressed in a pink apron with Magical Girl Natural Lychee posing in a chef's outfit.
"Come on she has to have 'exposure' - if her classmates at Jindai haven't introduced her to curry udon by now they're guilty of crimes against humanity."
And so a mix of diced onions, jalapenos, and onions got introduced, as well as cheese, a touch of some leftover homemade Salsa...
Simple, plain, but good on short notice.
Bowling it up, she sets it out on the table, just in time for Tessa to get there. The apron is off when Leina answers the front door, with a smile, "Hey Tessa, it's great to see you. Come on in-! I made you something, figured I was 'normal enough' to show you some Mass hospitality."
It's only once she's inside and the door is closed that she quirks an eyebrow, holding up a phone...
<darkbackhand> im in barcelona. meeting him soon
<darkbackhand> things are nice
<darkbackhand> hope things are ok with u
<darkbackhand> i wanna talk soon.
"... Just happened to be in the area, hmmm?"
She waggles her phone at her, as if it were some smoking gun of 'coincidence', a light tease perhaps, even as she leads her away towards the small nook in the kitchen.
She does then ask, "How have things been for you lately? Haven't had much time to catch up ever since I got stuck up in space for you know - MONTHS longer than I INTENDED!"
She enunciates that dramatically, because indeed - nothing about that worked out as planned.
Despite the small talk, there's something simmering under the surface? Just a touch, perhaps enough to cause Tessa some minor disquiet but - for now, it's all light and airy.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
Coincidences? Perish the thought. Perish the thought entirely! It was entirely coincidental that she chose to end up here, especially after such events had her fall into Barcelona. Definitely, 100% coincidence.
At the very least, she passed through the front gates for the first time, despite being inside multiple times over at this juncture. For the first time, she managed to take in the sight of the Villa as a whole, someone wheeled in without incident or any sort of interrogration. (This did strike her as strangely off-kilter. Maybe going through the backdoor was exciting in some phantom way.)
Though, she didn't come without an offering. An offering of some local chocolates picked up from a convenience store, just a few quick bars for mid-talk energy. "Then, pardon the intrustion." Inside, closing the door behind her and...
"...So it was you. I should have suspected...Though, if you're going to confirm that, there's much worse on the menu than being in the area, wouldn't you say so~?" Said like the knowledge of people saying things they shouldn't after being cleared for it. She still keeps that smile, naturally brighter at the sight of a good friend.
It's hard not to note the smell of curry. The aromatic mixture clear to smell, her stomach making itself known with a growl of its own...And the blush in response. "It's been...managing." Yeah, that's the best way to explain it. "Sousuke's been through some stuff, Kaname's been trapped in work, everyone's nearly died a few times over, so...! I guess, you could call that...normal?"
It sounded normal enough, perversely. "I didn't expect you to get involved in Cathedra, but considering your brother...I should have expected it? When you're the sister of someone who boarded a Gundam, it runs in the family, I think." ...Should she be lucky enough for that?
But she does head over, taking a lookover the house. Ah, it feels so...so normal, yes. Her eyes stare at a spot on the floor, in front of the fireplace. How long had it been? Since...Since that. Ahem.
"We're not going to be able to settle down for a while, will we." A shake of her head, seating herself at the table. The proper ettiquite to wait, at minimum.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Intrusion? Please! I'd have you over once a week if I could." She says with a flash of a smile, "And pllleeeasseee - there's no way you already didn't. I filed that report myself. And now she's getting the hook up in Barcelona?"
She makes a noise that's more like an affectionate 'Duh', but it does seem as if therapy is going well for her, after all having this much energy again.
"Come on - I have way more faith in Mithril than that."
Does she? Well, perhaps actually, it's true, after Sousuke reaffirmed it - despite everything he went through...
"Just managing?" Leina questions, even as she listens to her explanation, "I dunno, 'normal'? Sounds like you've gone through more than business as usual."
Staff in the house have been cleared far far away from here so they can talk freely as they move from the front door through the living room. "Even now you're talking more about the two of them. Like - if you can't share everything because of my current position..."
She offers her the out at least, but it does offer concern, and opens the door of going more deeply into it.
Her eyes float back towards her in the living room, "... It's a little more complicated than that. I can't exactly file reports to the Alliance right now." Leina smiles at her, "When faced with the future of so many I knew and cared about being considered... terrorists, and existential threats to humanity by the Federation, we charted a different course."
Leina stops briefly in the living room to eye Tessa, "I cut a deal. Perhaps the best deal I could have made. To be their defense against Psycho-field terrorism. A 'deterrence' plan so to speak."
There's a shrug, and a faint smile. It's hard not to think of Sousuke at the moment and the Lambda Driver - but she's not bringing that up right now, "In return, everyone gets to live their lives - and I get to do my part towards a better world. Anaheim's rapid fall from grace? Magallanica's current political position? All that overnight Psycho-frame legislation? Me and Mineva's doing."
There's a soft laugh, and a shake of her head, "I can't really call it following Judau's path. He joined the AEUG for the pay - but only after I twisted his arm to keep him out of a life of crime."
That's... going to be an awkward conversation, she's at least keeping it away from him for a while, let him ride the high of Roux and him getting engaged.
But... that spot on the floor near the fireplace as they pass the living room. Leina's expression softens, and then... there's a sigh...
"We'll always have that night." She says softly, "Way things are going, maybe it's all we'll be allowed for a while."
There is a ghost of a smile in that moment, "But, even so. I have hope, we'll get there. Maybe if not an end to war, then - better times at least, where we can enjoy girls' nights out for years to come."
Why girls' nights out, rather than sleepovers? Well... they are becoming adults, after all, slowly but surely, the march of time exacts its toll.
But it doesn't feel so bad to her in that light.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
There's relief in her eyes, and her smile only brightens at that. THe comfort of seeing someone recover bit by bit every single time...Its been a lot. "She's happy about it, so I hope it goes well enough. He'd probably be in danger if there was anything untoward happening..." ...Good luck, Shari's Date! "Though, she's a pilot, so she can knee him in the crotch at worst." A sigh.
"...Mhm. Everyone just wants to do what they can there." Mithril, huh. Such a place...
"Aha...No, just a few extra things under the docket. Since you're part of Cathedra now, I can't be fortright about all of it, but the major pieces should be obvious." Granted, she's talking abouit that from the perspective of someone who's frighteningly good at puzzle solving. "...Given the circumstances, I wouldn't be surprised if Mithril interfered, anyways..." It's only suspicions.
The lack of staff is clear to see; With how fresh everything looked, it's obvious that this was recently prepared. "Sousuke's been through a bit. We had...A fight. He said a thing, I said some things, and it was testy until Azadistan. We're better now, promise." A fight is a fight, but the fact that they both reached common ground is a start! "I'm...sorry you had to see that." THe fight at Mithril, watching Clouseau...He had his reasons, and the long-term process of it worked. It still hurt the slightest bit to be deceptive.
And in the living room, she stared right back. "...I see." All of the recent happenings around her, the dismantlement, the sudden swerve away from the RX-0 Gundams, the jailing of suits and sequesting them away...Mhm. Things are clicking. "Just you? And Mineva? No one else?"
The parallels ping together in her head. There's only the smallest hint of...sorrow in that sentence. Another person swept up in it all.
A deep breath hoisted in. Don't fall into the self-pity spiral. "Cathedra, AEUG..." No, don't challenge it now. An army is an army, a soldier is a soldier. "Soon enough, someone's going to reuse an acronym." Yes, the easy out.
Her eyes linger on the spot. One normal night. For how long? "I want there to be another. When we don't have to worry about...Everything." Her voice is heavier. Wearier. With the glint of the sunlight, it's obvious enough: Those black rings of sleeplessness and stress have indented themselves that bit further in.
Still, she tries to keep herself upbeat. Agh, it's so strange; Why does coming in with optimism always sends her crashing against the cold realization that her hopes can never live up to what's happening? The few moments of staring at that curry, before taking her spoon and extracting the migas, giving it a sniff...and a chomp.
"...Delicious." The right bit of kick to it that flooded the tongue, the grease of oil complimenting the sizzle of the onions and the increasingly plateau'd spice of jalapenos...
"I do think I needed this, after all, ahaha...I came to check up on you, but..." A deep breath. "It's hard, you know. Everything."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"If he does anything untoward I'll kill him long before anyone else does. He's in my Drama Club." There's a - sighhhh, and a thin smile, "Not my favorite guy, but Shari - well she wanted someone that was her type." She raises a finger, "All the same I had a long talk with him!"
Indeed - Leina wasn't so sure, even now uncertainty creeps in on the idea of how if Mithril can't handle Shari's problem long term...
... what the brass might authorize. But, for now she chooses to believe in Sousuke's opinion, the pragmatic soldier. Which is when... Leina's eyes fall upon Tessa and... that smile just subtly dims. "Come on Tessa -'a few extra things' on the docket? You're obviously facing way more than your usual burdens of command."
There's definitely sympathy in her voice, but even as she describes the fight, and Leina sighs quietly, "I shouldn't have seen it, to be honest. It was just a basic connection test, and instead I pushed my nose into everyone else's business-"
And indeed... it's like she knows something more, but isn't saying it yet. "... I'm glad the two of you are doing better now now.
For now, she moves on to answering her on Cathedra, on Mineva and her, "... It was... a contingency plan I left in place with her - as a bargaining chip to be utilized as a last resort. The incident at Denver Colony happened - and the Assembly was set to stonewall any investigation into Anaheim - and instead empower them to create more Full Psycho-frame units as defense."
A shrug of the shoulders as if it was no big deal really, "So with hours to act - she put the guarantee of - me - on the table, for the sake of peace. Forgiveness rather than permission. Everyone else was involved later, in negotiating the specifics. Everyone got pardons or exonerations. They get to go home - live their lives. And - I get to live mine, just with an added element of doing my part for creating a world where people don't have to worry about Psycho-fields being used as weapons of mass destruction."
She's queiter now, "Cathedra's being empowered with cross-bloc jurisdiction to close down covert Newtype labs - even government funded ones - the same kinds of black site facilities where Whispered are taken to disappear. They're taking it... seriously for once, what kind of world might result if they don't act. This is a net win, really, the best of all worlds for everyone."
Is she trying to convince herself on that?
"Ha... probably one day. Cathedra's... weirdly old school though?" She shakes her head, as she takes a seat to try the Migas, taking a bite, the idea of another. Another where they don't have to worry about... everything...
"The world keeps growing - expanding - and it makes for more stress for us." She says quietly, "But you know - there'll be days when it's not so overwhelming. Days where we can just be - ourselves. Let's make a point of living it up on those days."
Her eyes lift, and she beams a smile at her as she calls it delicious, "Glad you like it and..." There's a moment where she closes her eyes, and just an almost imperceptible nod like 'I feel you'. "... it's still hard for me too. But, I'm getting there."
And indeed, she sees how tired she is, how worn...
Her hand cards through the side of her hair, and her eyes look up and she decides to make a decision, "-Tessa please... talk to me. Not as Anzus, or the Shuffle Commander, or the Captain of the TDD-1... just - just as yourself."
Leina says softly, "What's going on with you? Really going on? This goes way beyond the stresses of command. Yeah you two had that argument - but you look - feel horrible."
Indeed, the plan had been for her to be far harsher about what happened, but seeing her like this - seeing how everything is getting to her, she just can't, "Look I know I'm not cleared for it all - but you look like if you don't unburden soon, you're going to just shatter. So, talk to me - tell me what you can - and God - if you need to have a good cry away from anyone you'd be worried about seeing it? A night where you can just, unload - Please..."
There's a worried look in her eyes as she just radiates concern, "...let me give you that much."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
She can imagine what sort of long talk that involved a Whispered and getting her a date involved. Quite a bit of detail. (It's just an active imagination at work.) "Considering your penchant for people..." The narrowing of the eyes. Staring, as if she's close to figuring something out. "...Well, so long as you don't use it for monarchies?" ...?
"Of course, yes. As it turns out, Gryps-2 wasn't good for the general state of the world." A tired smile and a shrug. "Mineva does give a good speech, I have to say." She leaves her own opinion of it unsaid, the roiling distaste for that so called God of Possibility.
Tessa, however, stays silent. The prick, the spike in the calmness of that statement. She can feel her neck bristle, the instinctual sense of something off-kilter, something wrong. "...Yeah." Just a bit more. A bit more of this peace and calm.
She doesn't retort during Leila's explanation. Mithril's monitoring of Denver was scattershot; The ensuing wave of energy that matched Dakar, that matched the Deflection of Gryps-2...Another gallon of gasoline to stoke the fires of Earth, of the last remnants of Zeon uprising that resisted Minerva's words, of those who had nothing else, of the scattershot responses towards how the world was careening into the normalization of something worse.
"...I see." An extrajudicial organization tasked with cracking down on Newtype labs. It strikes...oddly. "So you give up yourself, in exchange, they'll push for everything." Oddly...defeated. "And Anaheim is down for the count." Well, Mithril was already beginning to maneuver their own contractual obligations elsewhere; It's impossible to not note the downfall.
"One step at a time. I hope Cathedra has forced leave." One foot. In front of the other. No matter how far the road ahead stretches, that's all one can do.
...Forever?
Another chomp of the migas. It really was...delicious. She lost count of the last time she had truly homemmade food, living on Merida Island and moving around so often. There's the slip of a hic, a restrained shudder of the body before closing her eyes, breathing out, breathing in. "We're all getting there on our own, huh... " A soft mutter to herself.
Ah? Her eyes flick up from the food, ashen eyes trying to stay focused. "What's going on?" Just repeating that sentence. "We made up. His meeting for what's next is soon. We already planned for it and came up with everything, and it'll be fine." Dance around it.
She manages a smile. Those mental walls of hers, trembling as they were...Forge themselves. Steel. Reinforce. In the face of compassion, she only stiffens her own resolve. "Shatter? Me?" Does it seem that way? How the past year has been? How much she's worried for others? How she's tried to be a good person? "I've heard of things like that happening, but not so suddenly, no..."
Another bite of the migas. Quicker. Trying to savor the food, trying to focus on the spice. It's something to center herself on. "After all, I'm a Captain. I can't exactly divest myself from that, not when I have the chance to help people. Not when someone out there wants to do much worse." Another bite. "After the submarine was hijacked...I realized I can't exactly rest. Not immediately after." Another bite. "Two people died on that day. I can't say who or be allowed to visit their graves. Their familes have been told a lie, under a shell company. We are reimbursing them for grief counseling and absolved them of all the fees associated with burial, grief, inheritance, and whatnot." Keep dancing around the issue.
Another bite. She's running out of food. It really is delicious. That fact is obvious.
"And with the situation with Yuliana, everywhere, escalating, it's more important than ever that there be an eye on her. Gayatri's already found her path for the next few months. Shari...I hope she finds her own way, Empress or not." Another bite. "I can't burden others, Leina. I can't until I know what he's trying to do. He was associated with Martha. I talked with her." Moving for another bite. The plate is empty.
And yet, her mind radiates unease. "Sayla wanted to punch her." The voice of someone who clearly understood why. "As for myself...She was tossed aside by my brother. Same as everyone else who collaborated with him." Unease...and a simmering conviction. "He's starting to make a move. I can't not use where I am for what I've done. After all, I'm one of a kind. Shouldn't I make use of that?"
What was normal? When everytime she looks at the news, there's at least a small column talking about war. Another politician in some government talking about war, sanctions, restrictions, movements, anxieties, money, everything? Another picture, another recording of yet another civilian caught up in something larger, the buildings a wreck, the energy magazines laying on crushed cars or floating in the debris of space wreckage?
"...The food was delicious." It sounds like an afterthought. A truth, but an afterthought all the same. Her eyes shine with...restraint.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Monarchies?" Leina cants her head to the side, genuinely confused, "Because I'm dating Mineva?"
Still though, it segues into a more important bit, as Leina gives Tessa a searching look as she speaks of her giving a good speech.
"Not everyone thinks so. Her own cousin for example. But... her message of good will, I admit, it made me want to believe in something beyond... what the Vist Foundation put in my head."
She's trying to prevent this from being a conversation where Tessa walks on eggshells. Certainly she'd defend her girlfriend but... it's not really about defending her.
Instead she takes more bites of her Migas as Tessa speaks upon the nature of the deal, "That's the glass half empty way of looking at it. Most days I just see it as - doing my part towards something better."
There's a soft chuckle at the 'forced leave', "Actually better than that, I choose my missions. Even ones involving Psycho-field defense? I have full authority to refuse. Their mandate is - creating a world where personnel are not sacrifices to a mobile suit, so my personal sense of morality is important to them, especially since I'm joining the agency as - part of a negotiated deal."
Granted, if Leina's morality states that any Psycho-field use for terrorism is wrong, then is it truly a choice? Still, that's perhaps interesting to someone who has been military all their life.
That they allowed her to make this kind of deal.
Spooning more Migas into her mouth, eyes focused on Tessa, seeing the slip - moving into iron walls.
"It... feels like it? The way you sound even right now..."
Still, she hears her out, a faint wave of exasperation when she says she can't divest herself from that. 'Hijacking' as she thinks of what Sousuke said of 'Gauron'. and instead a soft wave of sympathy - at the idea of two people, "Tessa..."
It's just a single word, without a need for response, as she keeps outlining the details. Moving on to Yuliana, Gayatri, Shari - "She - I'm working on it." And not just her either, Nova says that Tessa is 'terrifying' but she agreed not to bring her up to Mithril.
Martha causes her to almost drop her fork, as she straightens up, and 'He'. Not until I know what 'he's' trying to do.
The plate is empty, and Leina is just staring- "Tessa...?" Again the vibe is shifting, of how she says that word, but she doesn't force an interruption.
'He' 'My brother' 'tossed aside.' and...
Leina almost gets emotional whiplash in these moments, at how unexpected it is. Even after Tessa says the meal was delicious, she's quiet for many long moments, connecting the dots in her head.
Her eyes trail up as she keeps connecting them, thinking of all the things Syam Vist said, about him being a founding member of Amalgam.
Her fingertips move up to rub the side of her face, "God, you dummy." There's so much sadness in those words, "That's why you did it, isn't it?"
Without so much as a warning, she stands up, walks over to her, and squats down, to wrap her arms around her in a tight hug, "Stop - just..." Her tone drops, much quieter, "...just stop. From one actress to another - you don't have to put on a show of being strong."
A notable softening of tone, "Not to me... it's okay, to be weak sometimes." A beat, "It's okay to be weak... here."
If Tessa herself doesn't understand what triggered this, Leina perhaps reveals it a moment later when she says...
"I didn't even know you had a brother."
A break of Opsec of that magnitude in just... the space of a few moments.
Is it perhaps any wonder, that Leina feels that her instinct that Tessa is so very brittle right now was just... confirmed?
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
"So do I. I do want to believe." She's...She's not going to dispute the speech Mineva gives. Not here.
"You choose your missions? So it's that sort of negotiated type of deal..." A small frown as she tries to connect the dots. "And...That's it. Indeterminate period of time, it sounds like." The pessimistic point of view. After Gryps-2, it's hard not to speculate in the direction of why Cathedra would want her. A show of force along with keeping her restrained to that organization. Devious bastards...
"Shari deserves better. Better than what her situation has. It's like any extraction operation." This should be obvious. This should be clear. What the goal is, what's happening with her is obvious. She keeps that smile.
"...? Did what? Leina?" Her face falters. A look of genuine confusion. There's no motion to resist the hug, to blink in that fugue of trying to sort out what she intended to say. "Wha-"
Her voice quiets down. And slowly, her arms raise to match the hug, petite arms pressing in tight.
She's so warm. How many weeks has it been since I've even shook hands with someone?
"I can't. I can't be weak, Leina." Her voice is monotone. Her mind mutely screams, dying down as those walls seal herself off. She's trying her best to keep calm, even as the raging storm of the mind tosses her about. A singular island in the waves.
"...And?" It's a soft whisper. Ah, that's what she thought. And what? "What are you going to do now that you know?" A brother. A singular brother. Her muscles instinctually tense, before relaxing herself. "He's only related by blood. That's it." Those words carry no emotion at all about a sibling. "So tell me, Leina. Please. What exactly are you going to do now that you know I have a brother? Are you going to try and shoulder something else on your own shoulders? Are we both playing around being hypocrites? Am I going to hear someone else say that I shouldn't be where I am?" Her voice, her inflections.
It bristles with loathing for the subject matter.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
There's so much she could say about Shari's situation, for now, all she says is, "She does." She's not certain if she agrees about it being the same as any other extraction operation.
But she doesn't speak upon that right now, because even as she startles Tessa, and those petite arms return the gesture...
... and respond in a monotone, in contrast to the maelstrom of emotions Leina feels within. It's uncomfortable, even with Tessa trying to close herself off.
Leina feels more open than ever. Like all barriers and layers of protection were just stripped away by her experiences.
"Don't." Is all Leina says at first, in response to hearing her say 'I can't.' "Don't-"
Yet she stops, as Tessa asks 'And?' - and hears her out, feels that lack of emotion, as she shifts in the angle of the hug, seagreen eyes flashing in her words, "What am I going to do? Is this where we're at right now? For the love of God Tessa, first off - if it wasn't obvious-"
There's just a tightening of her arms, "-I'm gonna hug your stupid ass. And I'm not going to tell you anything of the sort, dummy. What I'm going to TELL YOU - is that you were there for me when I needed you - when I hit rock bottom, when I was being a coward, you marched your ass up into space and told my own stupid ass off. You said you'd drag me back to Earth like some-"
A pause...
"-some demon. But you don't need a demon right now. What you need is someone to say what else you were feeling in the moment."
Untightening the hug subtly, she remains in that space, but draws back enough to look her dead on in the eyes and whisper, "We're both still just teenagers. I'm not gonna tell you you don't belong where you are - I'm gonna tell you that you deserve to have that side acknowledged now and not to wait for the world to settle down and allow it. I know what I said earlier! But that was before I saw THIS!"
She lets her emphasis sink in, before she says more softly, "You should get to be weak on occasion, and the fact that you think you can't - even here, now - when there's noone under your command - no world ending STAKES - nothing but privacy and a hot meal - my God, Tessa, even I know that I'm allowed to be sometimes...!"
Her eyes search hers as she asks the question, "How old were you the last time you allowed yourself to be in front of anyone? Tell me the truth."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
Tessa is closing herself off, more than ever. There's people dependent on her. People trusting in her. The thoughts of the world, the burden on her shoulders, imperceptibly warping herself as every additional idea, every additional attempt to push seems farther away than ever.
Those ashen eyes barely flicker to Leina's own. Staring her headon, that smile with nothing that could describe joy on her lips. She's hugged. It's an instinctual hug back. Warmth. Blessed warmth of someone. "...Demon. Witch. Does it matter what the moniker is?" Inflections of something. Of something scratching at the core of her soul.
'She shouldn't have had to join Cathedra. She had a choice in the matter.'
The hug is lightly loosened. She's staring back, keeping that placid smile. Trying to force her lips to twitch, those mental walls trembling from the inside and out. Something. Anything to retort against the onslaught of words. "I know. I know I'm only 17, and..."
Those eyes. Gazing back. Wavering. "You think...I don't want to be weak? People look up to me, more than ever. People are willing to die for me. I see it in their eyes. What am I supposed to do, than to be strong and lie until that's true?"
"To be myself...?" Her hands slowly unclench, looking to the side and down. One hand working, counting out digits. One digit. And another. And another. And another. Continuing, scanning back in her head. "...Never. I think. What does that mean, being myself? Without any worries? Without any burdens? Without any thoughts about...what I've seen?"
The hand trembles, before latching back on. "Just. Listen for a second." It's trembling so minutely. "Around a month ago, I watched someone be tortured."
She allows that fact to rest.
"Amalgam. I watched him be punched in the face. I watched his finger be broken. I watched him behind a one-way mirror, screaming and calling us hypocrites. ...Do you want to know what I felt from that?"
A hard, heavy breath. Holding. Tight. Tighter. Tighter still.
"I wanted to assert my authority. I wanted to torture him. I wanted to..." A gulp. "Hurt him. I enjoyed seeing him be hurt. I wanted to see him grovel, beg, plead for my forgiveness, for his pentinence to be enough, Leina. Hammers. Tweezers. Fingernails. Toenails. The entire gamut." A deep breath.
"...What do I do with that, Leina? How can I try and be normal when I'm...When I know I'm like my brother that way? Our...My wants don't make for who I am, but..."
"What do I do, as a person, when I think I might realize I like hurting people in all the worst ways possible? Me, one who wants to help for...for what I've done and not burden the world more?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Not really." Leina answers softly, knowing she can't answer to her closing off, save to keep barreling in...
... to open the door, to throw open the curtains, to brandish a spatula if she has to. Just like when Judau was sleeping in within his room.
Does she realize? Certainly she must - after all, it's why she kept the people in her life out of the decision until it was too late.
Tessa may acknowledge her age but...
"Of course I realize you want to be weak!" Leina says sharply, "Everything since I've met you screams it!" As if to tell her at least 'you can't fool me - others perhaps, not me.
"What you're SUPPOSED to do is not BREAK yourself to meet their expectations!" She takes a deep breath, then softer. She's not REALLY angry at her, even if she thinks she's being stupid here, "What you're supposed to do is let yourself go backstage on occasion. Not even the best actress is putting on a production twenty four seven three sixty five! You're supposed to take the mask off every now and then-!"
A deep shuddering breath is taken and then... softer still in tone, "You rest. You kick your feet up - you vent or even cry-! Then you put it back on, and go back out there."
As Tessa tells her to listen, as she trembles so minutely, Leina's hands clutch tighter, but - she listens...
... to the horrors she suffered...
... and how she felt was...? "Oh Tessa..." She says quietly, emotions all roiling in turmoil, of the inherent guilt, shame in it.
What does one do?
It's easy enough to feel like there's judgment in that comment but...
"... You accept that's a part of you. That's what you do. You don't overcompensate until you crack - and strain under the pressure of trying to self-discipline yourself to overcome something like that."
She looks up at her with her seagreen eyes, something fiercely protective in her gaze, "You wanna know what not accepting something like that led to?" It's obviously not a question meant to have an answer, but obviously she pauses for effect, "What Vist did to me."
A breath, she tries to keep steady, because of Tessa's trembling, "I thought I was a bad person because I was Glemy Toto's best student. A fine little 'Lady of Neo-Zeon' in training that he personally groomed. A manipulative little shit who took to his lessons way too well."
There's this bitter - bitter laugh at the moment, "I was good at them. Real good. After four months I was able to shame a bunch of old aristocrats into going back into the middle of a ballroom that was actively being bombed. Maybe they died! I don't know. It didn't matter to me as much as my goal that night - of clearing them away from the exits so we could get by."
It becomes her deflating into a sigh, "I had a gunshot wound at the time, when I couldn't walk any longer as I felt faint from the blood loss I told my brother that heaven won't want me because of the type of person I'd become."
She lets go with one hand, just to gesture off to the side, "And Vist took ALL those feelings, of guilt - of shame - of the idea that I was terrible goddamn person, for that - and all the things I blamed myself for NOT doing and-"
Her next comment is whisper thin, "They made Puru One."
It just hangs there, for so long, for so long, until she looks Tessa up in the eyes, "It's a poison, thinking these things make you a bad person - or less worthy of grace. Maybe I am the perfect little 'Lady of Neo-Zeon' - and still am but I was eleven when I became that. And I deserve to give myself some grace for the position I was in."
Leina eyes Tessa again with that same protective ferocity, "And maybe you are someone who likes to hurt someone. But you're seventeen, and you've gone through more than any seventeen year old should have to. And while I won't tell you that you don't belong where you are... what I will tell you is that what you do with it, is what matters."
It becomes a plea, then and there, "Please... don't break yourself, under the belief you're no better than him."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
There's only silence in the air as she listens on. Of course, her mind screams. Of course what she's doing is dumb. Foolish. Idiotic. What sort of person can live with steeling themselves forever? What sort of person can stad, day by day, and not have any form of relaxation? Humans are not machines. She isn't a machine. And yet.
And yet.
She still jolts in surprise. Ah. Of course. Of course. Did I think I can play a fool for someone forever? Did I ever think that someone would see right through? ...Did I want to be seen, in the end? She can only...look on. Those eyes, trembling. Listening.
A friend is worrying about you. Can't you see that?
"...Mhm." Frustrating. To know that's not her deepest depts, and still, to know, in her heart, that she's like this. The yawning abyss of desolation and anxiety and nihilism. Neverending.
She listens to Leina. To accept yourself. To understand yourself. The hardest thing in the world. To bare yourself completely...There's a stray thought. Have I ever done that?
She refuses to allow the hug to slacken. To listen to Leina's tale, to allow the secrets of her soul to be dug up for her. There's a spark of recognition; Something important, something deep. Of the proper princess of Glemy Toto, the man who deserved to rot. The ballroom. The self-loathing. The abandonment. ...Puru One.
Her gaze is stuck on that hand. A mixture of understanding, empathy, the attempts to parse the various ways of how those emotions ratcheted to something more, to ascend to the spolight of swearing to become a demon for the ones she cherished. Lips trying to form sentences.
Failing even at that.
Her gaze refocuses on Leina's own. That fugue she was under, disappating. Looking away for a few moments, trying to force her mind to listen, to understand, to learn from another who had similar thoughts, and a worse outcome.
"What I do with it is what matters..."
Its inflection carries resignation, as if that ship had already sailed years ago.
"I'll..." A lick of her dry lips, swallowing her saliva. "I'll try my best, Leina. I am better than him. I am...Better than him. At this, at least."
It takes a while for her to release the hug. And when she eventually does, her face is still bone-dry.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
It's hard to say how far it goes, how deep it goes with Tessa. You see - to Leina - the instinctual drive to connect with her has always been met with...
... a wound...
It's hard to separate her from the feeling of Deja Vu one gets from the attempt. The ever expanding house of Whispers she receives that were always there, and new in coming.
It's different. It's different. It's different.
It's harder to separate the girl from the wound - the experiences that shape her - from her.
In the end, her barriers are akin to fog - wandering lost within it, hollow, numb.
And as much as she tries to reach out to it, it's like she never quite gets there. All she can do is continue to try.
The hug is tighter than ever, and it feels like she's more distant. And...
"... Alright." Resignation perhaps, that this as far as she can go, right now. So instead she brightens, as she puts a hand on her shoulder.
She can be an actress too, in her smile, in her energy - in...
"... You're staying the night. Let's go marathon something stupid until our eyes are watering."
There are depths she cannot go, but she can give her this, at least, her persistence, her insistence...
... that she spend more time being a teenager.