2023-10-13: The Eternal Flame Within
- Cast: Seolla Schweizer, Teletha Testarossa
- Where: Nouvelle Tokyo
- Date: U.C. 0097 10 13
- Summary: Tessa and Seolla attend classes! Heart-to-heart talk afterwards about life, combat, and what it means to actually live in peace when one has only known war.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
Sometimes, she has to allow herself for a calm day in the middle of everything. To allow something to vent out while everything is creaking bit by bit, to be able to walk back in refreshed and ready...As much as she could be, anyways. The days of short sleep and long hours have continued on, and stepping into school with the Jindai Uniform feels oddly...stifling, even if she wears less fabric than her usual uniform.
No matter. Fielding questions about Sousuke all day, managing to evade the curious eyes of "Just what the hell happened?" with talks about family and whatnot. Everyone knew that war was around the world. It hadn't hit home, but both of them being transfer students and already mobile as it was, it's hard to discount someone not wanting to talk about current events and how it was affecting their families.
At least...At least school was easy.
Still, it wasn't as if she was walking around without a bodyguard. Seolla was capable, and it was only with the insistence that someone go along that Seolla had been taken about. Sousuke's Apartment to school and back...
...She's munching on a crepe right now. A small bit of sugar to mark the winddown of the day, the autumn breeze beginning to percolate through the air. There's a glance every so often as she chewed, sighing out. Steps wandering about, off the presrcibed path from school to apartment, wandering into a nearby park.
"How nice..." A circular fountain, a few benches lined around to face the calming streams of water. "Has all this been good to you, Seolla?"
<Pose Tracker> Seolla Schweizer has posed.
...School being easy makes one of the two here.
It's no secret by now that Seolla's attendance record hasn't been the best, owing to her 'special circumstances' that many at Jindai have. ...It's also no secret that Seolla's rather curiously diligent at volunteering /for/ thise circumstances, even somewhat inane ones.
...the way Seolla comports herself too, around other classmates...there's a strange shared look between them. They get ever so slightly on edge - she gives them a bit of distance. The occasional whisper or shared text - but no confrontations. Likely they know - it's not hard to tell that Seolla's stature and composure and breathlessly fast walking speed makes her someone bad to push around...but...it doesn't say a lot good that people appraise her on that merit.
...Put together with how her grades aren't the best, and the discomfort she seems to have with this school uniform, gripping her skirt tightly as she keeps a water bottle cradled between her knees- and is it any surprise?
"...I'm...kinda sorry, Tessa. That you all pulled a lot of strings for me...and I'm not doing very well at this school at all, really. Nn. ...harder for me to make friends /here/ than.../there/," she murmurs, alluding to Merida Island carefully in this public setting.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
Indeed, she worked at the schoolwork that hadn't been seen in weeks on pure autopilot. Stealing glances at the newest transfer student in the class every so often. Jindai students were used to the mayhem that Sagara Sousuke brought into the classroom, but when it isn't bombastic...It's a different kind of nervousness. Bless Eri Kagurazaka, their teacher, for being so internally calm about it and trying to walk her through everything (with Tessa's occasional assistance).
It's the same sort of feeling she got when she first received Sousuke's initial reports: To put it simply...A near-disaster. Daily. It's only by sheer luck that things have panned out, and to have lightning strike twice...
"I know." Another munch on the crepe. Strawberry. Extra cream. "Sagara's own acclimation took just as much effort and time, so the class should be used to it. Truth be told, they're probably thankful you aren't catapuling the shoe locker budget." Just how much money was spent on replacements?
"...Still, I insist you keep attending. I know how overbearing some of it is, but..." ...It's something none of them can conclusively have. "We don't know what we have until it's gone."
Chomp.
"That being said, are you doing well? Your reports have been...slightly strange to me nowadays."
Another bite of the crepe. The wind blows a cold current.
<Pose Tracker> Seolla Schweizer has posed.
"...Nnn, I heard about some of those inci - ...wait, I've seen him in action at it," Seolla recalls, stifling a slightly nervous laugh. "...mmm. ...But you know...he's so straightforward that...Sousuke's not really the type to get into /arguments/, though. ...It's...despite how he's had his struggles, it's something he can clearly.../do/, you know...?"
A long sigh, as the deep-rooted problem Seolla is still desperately trying to resolve rears its head. "...I really...have a very hard time doing any sort of studying. I'm just...not cut out for this at all! I can read things over and over, but they never...really stick. It's painful...and...whenever I talk to people here, since we don't have anything in common, at best I freeze up, and at worst..."
There's something fidgety in Seolla's arm. That incredible tension she has around Tessa. Loyalty and yearning. Distrust and distance. The captain she'd do anything in the world for. Who she can't help but feel a thousand miles away from, even when she's sitting right next to her, enjoying a crepe. Adorable mannerisms with a terrifying look in her eyes. A honey-like voice that always seems to make the room shake.
"...It must be stress getting to me," Seolla puffs quickly at the response, pulling her skirt lower, tightening her knees around her water bottle. "It's getting to all of us." It's an easy answer.
It should be an easy answer.
---just then, however.
...Another set of Jindai students walking in a carefree sort of manner down the road. Three boys, one of them on his phone. Another of them, with messy purple hair and vivid green eyes, turns to take a look at the two girls on the bench. He lets out a brief call in recognition, raising his arm and starting to belt out, "Ah-"
-Then his eyes flicker to Tessa.
He freezes in place, then creakily turns away to keep walking - clearly looking over his shoulder once or twice.
...the sudden /spike/ of wariness in his thoughts easily reaches Tessa, beyond simply a mistaken acquaintance.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
"He's..." Is it an insult to say it? No, not simple. "What you see is what you get from him." It's a compliment, really. "He...I know what you mean." Straightforwardness. For all his strangeness and eccentricities that put him out of line with the realms of common sense, the times when he does take action...has an explanation for them, however absurd. And they make sense in a twisted sort of sense. "As much as he's been the way he is, he's honest at his core." That was the crux of it. He's not trying to be something he's not.
...Not like herself. /She/ was the one who pushed him for this assignment in the first place.
"...Mhm." The studying, she can't help with. There's been stuff she's read, stuff she's had to absorb outside of what was granted to her by providence. But she can't straight up suggest that. To adopt normal study habits after so long, to wrench oneself from one gear ot another without proper guidelines... "It's a different sort of battlefield, so he said. Ones where rules are implicit rather than spoken, where measurement of worth is by standing and not just performance." It hurts. It really hurts.
"I've been there." I don't want to think of people as idiots. I can make them understand if they have the right background, but to watch even adults pale at the explanations that make sense, that click so perfectly in her mind...It does tick the boxes of frustration every so often. "Trying to relate to people is hard." It's said so matter of factly, that crepe disappearing the slightest bit faster.
And it's gone.
Stress. "Mhm." Stress, that's all it is. There's already a few building blocks in her mind of Goldberry's recommendations. There has to be someone in the Shuffle Alliance that can help. Whatever the meeting about Sousuke's work pans out to be, he'll be of help due to how in step they can be. There's hope, there's a path forw-
The practiced glance of a soldier upwards at the oncoming beat of sudden noises. Jindai students. Unfamiliar. Not from the class. The call of recognition.
She only stares, the glare of someone curious, someone who's eyes are brimming with the experience that only the middle-aged are wont to have. The black rings that have accumulated around those eyes for over a year, pupils of mild suspicion dilated and watching...
And she keeps that gaze, noting how the cadence of steps changed. ...It's more practiced. More formal. The trio fading into the distance, but the change in pace...
"...It may be just stress." A look up to the sky, noting the slowly saturating glow of orange from the sun. Sunset had begun. "That's all I want this to be. As someone...of this height in the world, we all have to keep doing what we can so no one can experience what we have." Her tone slowly hardens, eyes flicking left and right. There's no one save for them.
That wariness. Was it for her? Because of her? Because of...Seolla? Social cues insisted on one thing, not the other...One conclusion.
"For someone in your juncture, you have the ability...to do anything. I chose this spot of my own volition. I'm sitting where I am because I choose to be." The attempts at relaxing just moments earlier had ceased entirely; stiffening shoulders. That gaze having retreated back into a hardened mask, leaning back on the bench before turning her head to face Seolla. "We don't inquire about what members do on off-duty. The specialists, the general units, cooks, janitors, everyone over /there/. However."
She allows that word to hang in the air, a hand reaching forth and taking Seolla's own. It's a slightly firm grasp, one that minutely trembles.
"I don't want to have to sign off on doing the obvious if push comes to shove again. Can I trust you on that, Seolla Schweizer?"
<Pose Tracker> Seolla Schweizer has posed.
One foot crossing over the other. The breeze bringing her hair to tousle over her face. Seolla's been letting it grow just a little longer, bangs brushing against her eyes a little, braid tip against her mouth for a while. Her opposite arm, crossing over her body, reaches up to pinch at it between thumb and forefinger. A more obvious nervous tic has never been seen.
"...I relate to people easier back ho- ...back at...there." A slip. "...cause we go through the same things together. We're in the same boat about what we have to do. We can move forward into a future where less tragedies happen. ...I...I..." Fists balled up, finally raising her head (just in time for her to miss a familiar face) - Seolla stares straight into Tessa's eyes, and stammers, "I feel like I'm wasting my time here! Like what's important is that I become strong enough to protect you and everyone else, and not this...this...meaningless stuff I can never understand, not all these people I'll never be able to know!"
"...what are we even doing here, Tessa? ...Didn't we care about this place for some important reason? Someone who...probably doesn't belong here? I don't know her that well, but if people like that are after her - what, are we making this peaceful school our battlefield? Hasn't that already gone poorly for us? Shouldn't we accept the reality that we're not normal people and stop pining for it?"
"...that's just not what we are. I don't get why you want us to try so hard to fit in here. Do you think I have some kind of life I aspire to, or something? No way...I want to give other people that possibility, but all I care about are you, Sousuke, and the others we work with. You're the only kind of people I know how to think about."
The sudden grip to Seolla's hand leads her to stiffen upright - swallowing deep, locking eyes with her captain's, her defensive arm tightening over her front, pulling her braid once. "...of course you can trust me. How in the world can you ask me that by now? ...I wanted to share everything with you with a smile, because it's what I was used to. Giving out every single detail of everything I do was something I had no choice but to agree with. So doing it for someone I want to like and care for...but...really...is it necessary anymore? The longer I spend able to think for myself, the more I realize it was always a little intrusive into me, to share every detail of every action I take. To give anyone a near-constant window into my every waking thought and deed. ...you know everything about me by now. Even things I realize are a little embarrassing. ...isn't that okay? What do you need me being so meticulous about it all for?"
...She's justified what she's excluded quite well.
It may be enough to persuade a lesser captain. But the patterns of exclusion, surrounding specific important incidents...while it's true the specifics of her reporting have slowly diminished...
...And yet, the feelings radiating from Seolla are passionate enough to feel true. So...?
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
Stress. THis is all this is. Just the stress of a lifetime accumulating bit by bit, a slow drip of agonizing over anything and everything day by day, week by week, month by month. Secrets to keep, grudges to nurse, realities set in motion by coincidences and timings that have been ascribed to since her birth. It's just stress. It's not anyone's fault. This is something she's in by herself.
I can't walk away from all this.
...So that's the central crux. A waste of time. Strength. That's all that's needed in this world, so Seolla thinks. Her gaze refuses to part from Seolla's lips minutely moving in a successful attempt to calm herself down. It's just stress. Think about it rationally. A girl who's known strife all her life, being told to cut it all. Someone who wants nothing more than to push forth, even as...
Her eyes glance down at Seolla's stomach. And back up. The injury.
...Even as the world seems to be going to hell. "I know." Wasting time. Pining for something more. "I know, I know, I know." I know, I damn well know. "It's not just...to protect. Everyone can say they can protect a thing. It's easy. It's too easy to say that, and to do it, even after you lost it...Or don't know it at all."
I can't walk away from all that, even as I pine for these placid days.
What are we doing here? Am I an idiot? To think that lightning could strike twice? It's only by providence of Kaname that Sousuke was able to settle down a small bit, and by extension herself. What about Seolla? "We're here...We're here because if we're there, out there, always..." Those eyes. Multiple emotions bashing about inside. "...We can't make a peaceful reality if we don't know what it feels like. Think abo- no, please think about it. What about after? What will you do after you do what you've headed there for?" Are you...Are you just going to toss your life away after everything is said and done?
It's something to work through. Trying to do her best as a commander, trying not to suffer another outburst. Just one was enough to set her on pins and needles for weeks, worrying, agonizing, muttering to herself about what needed to be done and trying her best to push forward through the guilt eating away, the penance she had left to give, the lifetime she had to sacrifice so that there would be a better tomorrow.
Her mouth closes. Opens. "I don't want you to have nothing to push for if you're sidelined for good. After your injury..." Her gaze turns downcast. The line across Seolla's stomach, so near-death. Something outside of the world of combat. "Sousuke...he was heading down the same path." Those eyes, steeling. "I see that in you, and I don't want either of you to have nothing but your weapons as keepsakes afterwards. That's why you're here. To be here is a blessing in of itself, but...no one understands that, including myself."
And yet, her grip tightens. Firm. On the offensive. Eyes shining radiantly, a voice firm with resolve even as her shoulders weigh down with the anxieties of duties that should be hoisted on someone twice her age, minimum. "Ah, is that so...?" All the reasons. They survive the test of initially glancing through them, parsing through and filtering through her own rhetorical devices.
Unfortunately, Tessa's mind works in multiple angles, the simple mental parallax showcasing the holes.
.- .-. . / -.-- --- ..- ARE YOU
"Then, how is it that there's a person that recognizes you, but wants to stay away from me?" The grip tightens. She's well aware that Seolla could just kick and run away; She's a commander, not a soldier raised on combat. "...I do want to trust you. I do. But they aren't random things being omitted. If it's a small thing here and there, that means you're improving, bit by bit. But...the consistency, in of itself, for someone that just said that their only role is combat...If you wanted to jump into combat and die, then you'd show everything, because what does it matter?"
She's trying so hard to not have her face warp. In what sort of emotion, the teenager herself couldn't say.
"Don't say that you're not aspiring to anything when you're clearly doing something that isn't regular fighting. What is it? Did you pick something up? Did you pick someone up? Is it something so dire that...?"
-... . .. -. --. / .-- .- - -.-. .... . -.. BEING WATCHED
Even her thumb prods at the skin, pressing, depressing in rapid succession all the while.
-.. --- -. - / .-.. . - / --. --- DONT LET GO
"I'm there by choice. Everyone there has a choice to be where they are. The ones with nothing...They're gone the quickest." By desertion, paralyzation, or death. "It's ones that have something in their heart other than just sortieing that thrive."
<Pose Tracker> Seolla Schweizer has posed.
"...After...?"
"...After what?"
Seolla's pupils contract a little. "...ha...h. ...after we save everyone who suffers? After the weeds are all finally pulled forever? ...Tessa...I've never once assumed it'd end. It's just something that us, and people like us, have to keep doing. Maybe one day in the distant future, after everything that can burn has, then people like us aren't needed to pull the weak from the fire, but when even is that? I've remembered enough history lessons to know it's been happening long before us, and it's probably going to keep happening long after we're gone."
Fingers lace together. An almost wistful smile crosses Seolla's lips. "...it's weird to say that. That there's some sort of other life I should be living. I mean I guess I could be living something easier, but it's really not like I'm good for much else. You might as well tell that to a farmer, and call it tragic that we all need to eat. You might as well tell that to a bus driver, and call it tragic that we all can't fly. ...Maybe that's a bad way of saying it, but...people need help. They will always need help. I can do something about it with you. It's maybe the only thing I'm sure I can do. So I will. As long as it takes."
Tears well up in the corners of those sky blue eyes. "...is there something you really want, past all this? ...do you want to stop? That's probably never been an option. ...Maybe I'd consider stopping as well, but probably only if everyone else did. Only if we all did it together. ...I...really...all that matters is that I'm with you. Even if I'm not..." There's a flash of warmth across Seolla's face. She almost wants to take the tapping as a simple gesture of care.
...The urgency of the patterns, though - weather clears from Seolla's eyes, as they gaze around furtively, but subtly, at the park's surroundings, taking in both streams of messages at once with...familiarity, but slight difficulty.
A difficult and terse swallow - this confluence of feelings, followed by Tessa's sudden paranoia, has Seolla...all in a knot. She's not able to hide that something odd is going on, not when directly confronted by this. The realization that she doesn't have a good way to convince Tessa that nothing's going on-
...the realization that Tessa's come to believe that she's-
A tear rolls down Seolla's face. "...I've...made you worry that much about me?" Her thumb pushes back into Tessa's palm. "...I...I'm so sorry. ...No. No no no no. No! ...no. Everything you're thinking about...it's entirely my fault. I...I..."
Falling forward against Tessa's shoulder, Seolla's braid-toying hand pulls down to grip Tessa's with both - an almost painfully tight grip. "...god, I'm so stupid. ...why? Why did I think that I should've worried so much? ...Why did I think so badly that I had to do that myself...and act like it was so much more than it was? ...I...it's nothing...dire...I...I really...you guessed it right. ...I saved someone. ...Someone who probably 'should' be helping us. ...but I saw a future in him. I didn't want him to get involved with anything. I thought if I made sure there was mutual lacking of knowledge, he could just live normally. ...I was...I was worried you'd...you'd...try to find out, that you'd figure out that...yeah, he /should/ be helping us, helping /me/, that I'm making myself more useless not having that dolt around, and that he'd...wind up living the kind of life you're just trying to tell me I shouldn't! Fine! It's selfish and weird of me, okay? I'm sorry!"
"...I'm sorry that...I'm saying I don't have much of a future beyond this, and then going and trying to give one to someone like me. I'm sorry. I still hope you never meet. That he can have that. I'm sorry..." She's crying quite fiercely into Tessa's shoulder by now...
...not realizing at all that such a ship has sailed. Not realizing that Tessa's asking this because she and Arado so briefly locked eyes.
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
It's an inherently impossible thing to think of. That one day, the fighting will end. That one day, there can be a time where one can say that they've done enough, what they could, and hang up their laurels and let the next generation take the mantle. To have herself, a 17-year old think that already was the height of foolishness. "I know. There's always somewhere to be, but what's important is that if you're forced out, you have something."
So that you cultivate a better life for everyone, not just a soldier on a battlefield dying for things they don't understand in a place they've never heard of.
"It's not that you have to take the choice of another life. As I said, we're here by choice. But the important thing is that the choice you make has merit." It's a perverse way of thinking. That in order to fight, you need to have something worth leaving behind and coming back to. But it works.
Tessa has nothing to come back to.
"Do I...? I can't stop, Seolla. Even if I wanted to, what I know is out there, and who's he aligned himself with...I can't turn a blind eye. Unfortunately, I'm on that chair until he's gone." Not from Leonard. Not from what he wants, who he wants, and what his goal is. Not in the slightest. Her lips turn wistfully upwards at the thought. Could she one day step down? No...Probably not. There's too much at stake to even think of that.
And yet, that thumb taps away. Practiced, quick, an expert's graze that conveys what's needed.
And she watches. It's...She's not sure if the face she's wearing is a mask or not. Concern. Obvious. To hide her intentions if someone is truly watching, mixing the real with the fake. Grain of truth in every lie, as much as she doesn't want to lie.
Her heart pounds. She tries to keep steady, keen eyes narrowing. Don't glance. Follow a natural pattern, keep the eyes low, try your best to not show that you're also looking in other directions, praying desperately for the worst case scenario. A paranoia that will never cease.
It's only when her hand is grabbed that she can finally force herself to relax. "..." She only stays silent with Seolla's outburst, leaning in to support the gal's head as her other hand rests on the ones clasping her own. Moments of silence, of trying to keep herself composed. Relief. Simple relief.
"...I'm just glad it wasn't the worst thought in my head." What a relief. One incident was enough to keep her on edge, even now. Another...Deep breaths. Deep breaths. "You have my word as someone in my position. It's only if they want to. That's been the case for everyone. Everyone who's there /wants/ to be there. It's their choice to step away from these peaceful days, Seolla."
That same hand rises, gingerly pressing the bluenette's head slightly further against her shoulder. "As much as I want to ask more, just write it in the journals. Whatever feels comfortable." The 'wise' decision to omit the quickly conjured leaps of practical logic, even if she knows that it'll be awkward whenever they cross in the hallway.
...Hell, she might just do so intentionally just to watch him squirm. It's the price of being hidden.
"Congratulations on saving someone you care about, Seolla. That's something to celebrate. It's a small step for what you want to do, right? There's something past the current goal. It's nice to dream about forever, but...The small things count, like today." Her voice is low. Doing her best to keep herself together. To stay strong for another, commander to soldier.
Friend to friend.
<Pose Tracker> Seolla Schweizer has posed.
All it takes to relieve the tension straining hearts was to be willing to push together.
In that little moment, the troubled hearts of two people who have few other places to go - they almost seem as resolvable and tangible as the laws of physics. A long, slow, deep, shuddering pull of breath as the fear and worry that animated her these past few months slackens blessedly.
"...mou...I...I really hoped he wouldn't have to. ...the light in that frail boy's eyes when we saved him together...giving him a little bit of hope...m-maybe I...was an idiot to think I could give that to that hot-headed dork, after all the times we fought together...maybe...maybe I should...maybe I shouldn't have...hooouuuu..."
The cable-like tightness in Seolla's grasp finally loosens - turning into both arms wrapped around Tessa's, chin planted tightly on her captain's shoulder. "...All I ever wanted was to trust you with everything. Why...why was I giving myself so many reasons to doubt I should? ...no...no, that's...that's obvious. ...because a future that splits us apart is something I'm terrified of. ...Everything I have with you all is so fragile. I'm not the person who can keep it tied together. I tried to be. I hoped I could be! I'm begging that I somehow, by some miracle, that I could be! ...but if I can't, I didn't...want...to be left with as few others as possible."
"...hah. ...what am I thinking of? ...that if I followed you to the ends of the earth, one day it'd just be you and me, and something I could never understand would sweep you up? ...mn. ...Tessa, can you promise me something. It's a stupid, totally irrational fear I have. It's something I...I just...I get this...I look at you, and I can't help but imagine this as something that'd happen to you..."
Fingertips quaking, as though embarrassed of this admission, this request - Seolla whispers... "...please don't get betrayed by the world. ...if you have my loyalty, you...you have others, right? I don't want to see you ever standing alone, even as capable as you are. I don't want to be the only one who could save you, and find out I'm still not strong enough. Please...keep as many people with you as you can..."
<Pose Tracker> Teletha Testarossa has posed.
It's relief. This sensation is relief, no matter how many times she's experienced it in the past year and a tad. The relief of knowing someone is there. The relief of knowing that the things being hidden are because of someone trying to find their own way through life, not because of anything being truly hidden for something worse.
She's trying to pace her breathing. To not collapse in relief of knowing that someone else was trying to stab her in the back.
"It's not anyone's fault." The feeling of wanting to save another, and to see their eyes brighten at knowing that they're safe. It's a familiar gaze, that. "To save someone that you wanted to save, it's not a wrong thing to want at all."
The skin on Tessa's hand is red from pressure, something swiftly ignored with the oncoming hug. Her own arms slide up, embracing the bluenette with the tight strength of emotional relief. Just. Relief. "That's your goal, then. Thinking of grand things...Yes, I want to eradicate it all, but...One person. Two. Three. Everyone starts with one." So that was it. The voice of someone who's had...some experience in this regard.
The blind leading the blind.
She listens. Keeping that hug. Keeping that embrace. Her own heart pounding, reassuring that yes, she's here in this moment, in this city full of civilians and passerby, in this peaceful idyllic life that the two could only dip into every so often.
"I..." Her hug only tightens. Betrayed by the world. What does this mean? What does it entail? To not be backstabbed again? To lose faith in the world? To...what, exactly? To be able to have others in your corner...? "I'll do my best, Seolla. I can't...promise exactly that. I don't know where this road will take me."
...Even her crew. They're just serving her because...Because she made it there. The grumbles, the minor infractions of the first days. They stick. They fester. They're happy with her now, they move for her, but...Really, are they there for their duty, or for her...? She couldn't answer.
"...I promise." If nothing else, there's three. Seolla. Sousuke. Kaname. And if all three were to fall apart, then...
...Don't think on the hypotheticals. Don't think how alluring it is to cut loose and just be like your damn brother.