2022-08-18: Hope
- Log: 2022-08-18 Hope
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa, Shinji Ikari
- Where: Manyoso Hotel, Tokyo-3
- OOC - IC Date: August 18, 0096 (2022)
- Summary: Kaworu and Shinji have a heart-to-heart.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
For all that August tends to be the hottest month of the year, and that heat is only exacerbated by the steel and concrete of the city, today there's a nice breeze. It strikes Kaworu's face as he leans on the sill of his window in his room in the onsen hotel where he and Rei are still staying. A gentle smile curves up his lips as he breathes in the fresh air with shut eyes. He hums a classical tune to himself while the open curtains waft around him.
Today's a good day, after all. His arm sling is gone; it's now replaced by a shoulder brace. After an examination earlier that day, he's been cleared to start using his right arm again, if gently and with either a brace or bandages for another couple of weeks. His left leg still needs a little while to heal, but that's all right. It's progress--forward movement--and that's something to celebrate.
That's why he intends to call Shinji. Now that his arm is healed, he can invite him to practice their instruments together. Maybe it's not really necessary to have an excuse to see him, but... he wants there to be cause for joy when next he seems him.
For now, though, a moment. His smartphone rests on a desk nearby. He'll simply enjoy the weather while it remains refreshing, before inviting Shinji to play.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Another trip to the hotel, with Shinji's head all noise. He squeezes the strap of his cello case until it bunches in his fist, fidgeting his thumb against it. It isn't that the onsen hotel is that disturbing -- though it still isn't Shinji's favorite place, symbolizing a strange holding ground for friends that deserve better -- but what if he's mistaken? He already put his foot in his mouth trying to hold a conversation with Liam.
Kaworu was looking at Shinji when he said that piece about pushing away, right? It wasn't about them, but it could have been. It's difficult to imagine a proverbial Devil having that level of influence over Kaworu...
Shinji's gaze fixes on the ground as he puts one foot in front of the other. Eventually, he'll get there, eventually he'll be in front of Kaworu's door, and eventually he'll have thought of something to say. That's the plan. An apology should go in there somewhere. He accused Kaworu of not asking for anything, and that's not quite what Shinji had meant when the words fumbled out as the moment grew more frantic and precarious. Kaworu isn't entirely wordless on the matter of wants.
Hence, the cello.
But Shinji sees the now familiar footing of his arrival, hears a hum, and reflexively looks up.
"Kaworu?" A spoken surprise to himself, too far away to properly greet him.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
As a place to stay, the onsen hotel could be worse. But it could also be better. Considering how valuable Evangelion pilots supposedly are, one would think NERV would put more effort into their accommodations. But then, NERV's always working under the constraints of a budget, and it's so easy to neglect the human aspect of things. Kaworu would still be in that postage stamp of an apartment if he hadn't been shot--maybe even after that, if Rei hadn't been moved to this hotel and made it more efficient and cost-effective to move Kaworu across the hall from her too.
For his part, Kaworu doesn't mind. This place is a considerable step up from his previous lodgings in a variety of ways. And Shinji comes by sometimes to visit Rei, which means he can enjoy his presence too...
That presence approaches now. He looks down, just as Shinji looks up. Across a closing distance, red eyes meet blue.
"Shinji..." he murmurs--and then breaks into a broad smile. He can't help it. Bittersweet as it is, he can't help but always rejoice in when he can see him. And that instrument case strapped to his thin body... Kaworu leans forward. "Did you come to see me?" he calls.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji stares back as if pinned in place by that smile. That's a good sign, isn't it? Something welcoming, and not upset Shinji's come back after being told to keep his distance. Only once Kaworu calls out to him does the instinct to react awaken.
If only he knew how to react. Tension draws Shinji in on himself, and the cello on his back makes him appear even smaller by comparison.
"Yes," he mumbles, wincing because there's no way anyone in Kaworu's position could be reasonably expected to have heard that. "I did...!" he tries again, standing straighter, struggling to match the volume and cheeks reddening with how very announced to the entire world this conversation feels.
Hoping that's a good enough declaration of intentions to stop shouting in the street (that's not what's happening), Shinji rushes into the hotel and past its security with flustered cooperation. Kaworu can hear Shinji's hurrying footsteps, unusually loud in their rush and stumbling with a whispered complaint under Shinji's breath before he arrives at the door to knock on it politely.
Apparently, he's under the false impression if he moves fast enough, embarrassment can't catch up.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Though his voice may be small, Kaworu hears him anyway. He continues to smile, as if he'd never told him to stay away in the first place, and when Shinji rushes inside to come see him face-to-face that much sooner, it elicits a charmed little laugh. Is there anything Shinji could do that Kaworu wouldn't adore? (Maybe a few things. But that's true of anyone.) By the time Shinji makes it through security inside, hurries to Kaworu's door, and gives a polite knock, Kaworu has been waiting there for a moment. But that's only fair. He only had to move a few feet.
The door opens invitingly--with Kaworu's right arm, Shinji might notice. He's wearing his school clothes, but only partially; the violet undershirt is folded over the back of a chair deeper inside, and his button-up shirt is halfway unbuttoned, enough to show the brace on his shoulder.
"Hi," he greets him, tone and expression warm. "Thank you, Shinji. Even though I tried to push you away, you still came back to see me." He steps to one side to give him room to enter; once he's inside, he shuts the door and follows him in, hands tucked into his pockets.
The interior, whose layout is basically the same as Rei's room, is neat almost to the point of being unlived-in. That's a distinct 'almost,' though: there's a potted bamboo plant with a Tanabata wish tag on a mini-table near the door, a vase of flowers on the desk next to a currently-shut laptop and a calendar on the wall, a red notebook atop a dresser on the inside wall next to the bathroom, and at the end table next to the bed, the metal wristwatch that Shinji had gifted Kaworu back in March, when they'd gone birthday present shopping for Rei together. There are other things, but they're all neatly put away.
Kaworu takes one of them out now: the chair that's in front of the desk. He holds it out for Shinji to sit upon, then rests himself on the bed. He does so with care; while he didn't bring his walking cane with him, there is a small but distinct limp to his gait. Once they've both settled in, Kaworu rests his gaze on his friend.
"...I want to apologize," he says quietly. Quite possibly in unison with Shinji, even, which gets another small laugh out of him if so.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji thinks he may get a moment to catch his breath even though Kaworu is clearly right in this room and knows he's coming. He's still red in the face, but at least in a way that can be blamed in hurrying through the halls. Which he should not have done! Hotels are not for trampling through, and Shinji gets a jolt of delayed mortification.
Kaworu opens the door to rescue him, and Shinji slips in carefully and quietly to make up for it. Whatever greeting might have had stalls in his brain as he sees Kaworu's bare shoulder and brace. Another good sign, right...? Shinji had only got as far as assuming Kaworu might want to listen if he still wasn't able to play. It wasn't even a matter of an excuse this time. Shinji wanted to show he had been listening to Kaworu, despite what he had blurted out in the onsen.
This is far too long to be staring at Kaworu's -- or anyone's! -- bare shoulder and Shinji's attention snaps back to Kaworu's face.
"It... didn't feel right," Shinji says quietly as his reason for coming back. A simple, but honest response. Shinji wouldn't have had a practical explanation to give if Kaworu were unhappy about it, or tried to keep avoiding him. He didn't come armed with good reasons why, or a logical argument. Only that the idea of leaving it like that made a miserable seed fester.
Shinji takes a brief moment to look over the room, but what did he expect if not a copy of Rei's? Somehow, that offends him more on their behalf. (Shinji, that's how hotels work.) The glint of a wristwatch catches his attention, his eyes lighting up a fraction.
Once the chair is awkwardly slid into and cello set carefully at his side, Shinji does, indeed, work up the nerve to speak.
"I need to apologize-- ah." Kaworu laughs and Shinji blushes, looking down again. He huffs out a breath with a faint smile. "S-Sorry," he says, mindlessly apologizing for the apology pileup.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Fortunately for Shinji, Kaworu doesn't mind the staring at all. He only continues to smile at him fondly.
It didn't feel right. It didn't feel right to stay away... Something in Kaworu's soul lightens to hear that. He couldn't agree more, after all.
They do indeed apologize together, and it seems like it helps ease the tension. The breeze picks up, and the curtains flutter anew. "No, it's all right," he reassures him. For a fraction of a second, he considers inviting Shinji to go first--but he imagines Shinji, kind soul that he is, would only insist he go first. And... it was his fault, after all.
"Please, let me go first," Kaworu thus says, sobering. "I want to apologize for not listening to you. I thought about what you said after we parted, and I realized you were right. It isn't my place to decide for you what's best... and even if it were, as you said, it's too late to protect you by staying away." He hesitates. "And..." He ducks his head; then he looks up again. "You were trying to say then you wish for my happiness, just as I wish for yours, weren't you...? I'm sorry I didn't understand at the time."
He laughs a little, more a breath than anything, as he shuts his eyes. "...It's hard for me to imagine myself as worthy of happiness."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It is with guilty relief that Shinji accepts Kaworu asking to go first. This has prevented another politeness cycle from drawing out. And it might be easier to react to Kaworu's words than to try and force his own to come out right.
...Which turns out to be the case. Shinji lets out a tense breath. Kaworu even understood what Shinji didn't know what he was precisely getting at before, or how he was going to say now. The real foolishness might have been expecting less from Kaworu.
"I wasn't clear," Shinji says, balling his fists on his thighs. "And I shouldn't have yelled like that. I was..." He has to use his words, thick as they feel in his throat. "Scared." Not angry, he's trying to say. His gaze is down again, but he wills himself to lift back up and meet Kaworu's gaze.
"But yes. Wh-what you said." He swallows, face redder. That's an intense way for Kaworu to put it if you ask Shinji, but it's not incorrect. "And also -- something was bothering you, and you didn't say anything..." That's closely related to trying to be happy. Or at least, trying to hurt less. Those aren't the same things, but Shinji doesn't know the line between them yet.
Am I that unreliable? Shinji might have thought before. Now he knows of the Devil's poison, and that Kaworu really had meant to protect him... And right now now, Kaworu admits another distressing idea.
Shinji frowns, searching Kaworu's face for an answer he knows he has to ask for. It's hard to imagine Kaworu wouldn't be worth of happiness. Previously, it had been difficult to imagine Kaworu so... deeply pained. He smiles a lot for someone who hurts.
"Why?" Shinji asks more quietly, like it might be a deadly sort of secret. Might it be? There's a lot about Kaworu he realizes he doesn't understand. "Did... someone say that?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu's gaze softens, a faint smile returning, as Shinji admits he was scared. Shinji is often scared, but there's a different context here: he was scared for him. And he confirms that he wishes for his happiness... Captain Hebikura was right. That being the case, there was no way he would have ever made Shinji happy by sacrificing his own. The idea he'd convinced himself of, that he's incapable of making Shinji happy... Was that only a self-fulfilling prophecy?
"...It's true. But I couldn't say anything. Not without endangering you, and all of Tokyo-3," he replies quietly, meeting his gaze again. "I need to apologize for that, too. I knew the true nature of Tsutsujidai and its rulers far earlier than you or anyone else in NERV, yet I let you continue to investigate as if I knew nothing."
After all that was discussed in the meeting the other day, though, he hopes Shinji understands why he made that choice. He'd spoken of a Devil whispering poison in one's ear, and he wasn't entirely speaking in metaphor.
It's also true, though, that Kaworu smiles a lot for someone who hurts. Shinji asks him why, and he pauses, considering his words--and Shinji's follow-up question. They won't get closer if he hides things from him. But... there's so much he simply can't share.
"It's hard to describe. It's simply a fundamental truth of my existence. No one needs to say it for it to be true. However..." He breathes in; puffs out a short sigh. He doesn't need to breathe, but it adds so much to the expressiveness of a Lilim. Is it wrong of him to act as though he is one too? Is that a deception--a betrayal, as Shinji might well put it? "...I mentioned before that I met the Devil when I first went to Tsutsujidai," he continues quietly. "I had the wrong estimation of him at first. When he made his true nature apparent, it... made me question some things about myself. That was a tipping point."
He pauses slightly to collect his thoughts. "Things are what they are. They will continue to be what they are, regardless of what one does. Even so, there are some things that, with enough effort, one can change." Another pause. "But... what if one's efforts only change them for the worse? ...That's what I became afraid of." His smile doesn't fade, but his eyes glisten as if about to break into tears, even though he shows no signs of shedding any. "I... didn't want to cause you to suffer even more, Shinji. And so I began to think that, if that was the case, it was better if I stayed away."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji's eyes widen a little at Kaworu's mention of endangering everyone. Then he frowns, brow pinched with his own quickly following realizations. It's all interconnected then, what Kaworu was thinking and the issues of Tsutsujidai... Kaworu's come forward with it now. It's still difficult for Shinji to wrap his head around, but he gets it. Even so...
"I wish there weren't things you couldn't tell me." That it makes sense not to is more frustrating, not less. Shinji's expression grows put out as his gaze wanders away.
It's back to listen to Kaworu try and explain his feelings, though. Truth of Kaworu's existence...?! Shinji sits forward, holding himself from interrupting only by virtue of having no words to say to that.
"So it was him." Shinji's fingers dig into his own thighs. First grooming Akane Shinjo, possibly others, then even getting to Kaworu. Shinji had assumed someone might be putting unpleasant thoughts in Kaworu's head, but thought -- hoped? -- it was someone closer. But it was the same Devil's poison. The Devil they have to face...
Coiling tension bleeds out with a sag of Shinji's shoulders. "Kaworu..." Shinji's fingers lift up and curl back into fists, clenched only a moment before settling loose. They're afraid of the same things, him and Kaworu. It's... surreal. Kaworu seemed so serene. So tranquil. So sure of every move he ever made.
"...You can't make me worse," Shinji says, very quietly.
"But you can be happy, right...? You've felt it before?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"I wish that too," Kaworu replies in full sincerity. "I don't like having to hide things from you."
But he does, all the same. And he'll continue to have to hide things, even once the matter of Alexis Kerib is resolved. It's unfair of him to let others blame everything on him, too... from the truth of who tried to kill him, to the matter of his true nature. Shinji's anger is low but palpable simmer as he goes where Kaworu suggests and pins the blame on Alexis. Though it's true that it was Alexis that had gotten into his head... It was after that day that Kaworu started to spiral downwards. The birthday party... was only when it reached its sharpest incline.
He watches him as that tension sags out of Shinji. He only watches; he doesn't try to interrupt his thoughts as he works through them. It does seem strange, doesn't it? On the surface, Kaworu seems as though he's completely put together. It would be easy to make the mistake of thinking he has no emotional problems. But they are both Children bound by the scenario. If he seems as though he has no problems, it's only because he's accepted his lot.
Yes... it's only because Shinji was there that he started to believe that he could have a different future. If he can't make Shinji worse, then that's a relief of a sort. But...
"Yes," he murmurs, brimming with sincerity, "when I'm with you."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
It unnerves Shinji to hear Kaworu say that so plainly. The plausible deniability that there's some things Kaworu would rather not say makes withholding information normal. Classified information is uncomfortable between them when they're supposed to be peers. Friends. And anything beyond that... Shinji wouldn't know where to begin guessing. He supposes he's not meant to guess.
He can't help wondering, though. There's too much Shinji doesn't know, and the more he learns, the less he has.
But Kaworu's happiness... Shinji got ahead of himself. He thought Kaworu's surely been happy? Not every smile is a performance. And if Kaworu is capable of being happy, then how can it be against his existence? That wouldn't make any sense. This is an argument Shinji is prepared to win. It's important.
Then Kaworu goes and says that and Shinji's thoughts evaporate.
"What? That's --" A joke. To break the tension. Obviously! But Kaworu's eyes aren't joking and the longer Shinji stares at him, the hotter is face is getting. That wouldn't make any sense. "I --"
A few more utterances attempt to form words while Shinji fumbles off his own script.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu breaks into more laughter, so deeply fond it breaks into loving. There's nothing mocking about it whatsoever; it's an expression of pure joy. Just as he said, he's happy when he's with him. "Forgive me, but you look so adorable! I could look at you all day," Kaworu declares, voice rich with the bliss of companionship, smile warm with contentment. It's probably not making Shinji any *less* flustered. At the same time, though, he doesn't try to close the distance between them. He could step over and kneel down to rest his head in Shinji's lap, but... he doesn't want to make him feel weird.
"Captain Hebikura and I spoke of happiness the other day, too," he continues. "Actually, he's the one who helped me realized how foolish I've been lately." He leans back, supporting his weight with his good arm, and turns his gaze out the window. "He told me that even if I don't know how to be happy, it doesn't mean I can't be happy all the same. And he was right. Beyond just you, there's also Rei Ayanami, and..." He turns his gaze back towards Shinji--or rather, towards his cello case. "...when I engage in music."
He lifts his eyes to meet Shinji's again, smile fond. "I don't have an instrument here, I'm afraid, so for now, I can't play with you. But... would it be all right if I asked you to play something for me, Shinji? Whatever you desire."
He never asks for anything... but it's all right to be selfish once in a while, isn't it? So... he'll ask for this.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Why is it summer. Why is Shinji in a thin shirt without a coat or a scarf to turtle into. He's completely exposed, red from neck to ears, curling on himself with his hands creeping up the lower half of his face to hide it.
He hesitates on an impulsive thought, driven by the inability to find any malicious intent in Kaworu's laughter: it would be rude to hide from Kaworu if this is what makes him happy.
Another thought screams about how completely nonsensical that is, and the noise in Shinji's head goes to war. Shinji's left with his fingers splayed barely over his lips, watching Kaworu without a single idea of how he's expected to respond to this.
And Kaworu... moves on! Like all of that was normal!
"Oh?" Shinji squeaks, trying desperately to rejoin the conversation. It sounds like Hebikura beat Shinji to his own logical argument, which was destroyed by Kaworu being Kaworu. All of Kaworu's friends make him happy. Right, of course. That actually was extremely normal. Shinji's the one getting worked up...!
Shinji tries his best to add his voice now that he's calmed down, settling back in his chair and gripping the edges to keep his hands still. "...If you can experience happiness, then it's not fundamentally true you shouldn't. That's what I think."
And right now, there's something Shinji may be able to do about that, warmth settling over his nerves with the idea.
"That's okay. I wasn't really sure you'd be recovered enough. I just thought... it was one of the few things you did mention..."
Shinji unlatches the case, every motion careful and precise in a way Shinji isn't always as he prepares his cello. He pauses once he has the bow hovering about the strings, looking back up with a faint smile and a soft flush of his cheeks as he dares to match Kaworu's peculiar frankness.
"I'll try to make you happy."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It does make him happy. Didn't he already say so? Just being with Shinji brings him happiness. Kaworu had been willing to sacrifice that if it meant Shinji would be happy, but... they both misunderstood the other's happiness, didn't they? But overcoming those misunderstandings and growing closer as a result is what it means to be friends.
Yes. As long as he has Shinji's friendship, he's more than happy enough. It's a little worrying that Shinji *is* getting worked up, but it looks as though he's settled soon enough. Enough to make his feelings known on it. If you can experience happiness, then it's not fundamentally true he shouldn't... Kaworu smiles fondly. He really is kind... When the truth comes out, will he accept him again...?
...No, he surely will. That's the "hope" that Shinji gives him. Just as Shinji now has the "hope" that he can do something for Kaworu. (They really are alike.)
And simply saying that he remembered it was something he wanted... simply bringing it here so he could play for him... simply saying he'll do what he can to make him happy... Kaworu matches that softness in Shinji's expression as he watches him.
He doesn't say anything. That look he gives him says it all. And as Shinji begins to play, Kaworu shuts his eyes again, this time to bask in his music.