2023-09-23: Musing
- Log: 2023-09-23 Musing
- Cast: Shinji Ikari, Akane Shinjo
- Where: En route to Geofront, Tokyo-3
- OOC - IC Date: September 23, UC 0097 (2023)
- Summary: As Shinji frets about if he should ask his father for permission to talk to Kaworu while Kaworu's in the brig for insubordination, Akane crosses paths with him.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Ka-tank ka-tank... ko-ton ko-ton... Even though he's seated in front of the rails of his connection between the Geofront line and the line that would take him to NERV Headquarters, the sound of trains leaving, entering, and passing through the station don't reach Shinji Ikari's ears. He simply sits on the plastic chairs riveted before the lines, eyes down, earbuds playing his SDAT's familiar tunes in his ears.
Klick. Track 25 moves forward into track 26.
After the disastrous Unit-03 meeting the other day, Shinji's talked to Rei, and he's talked to Asuka. He wants to talk to Kaworu, but he needs to work up the nerve to ask his father for permission first. That's the biggest problem he's facing right now, is figuring out how to approach Gendo and ask him for... well, anything. He keeps going back and forth about how to do it--if maybe it'd be better to just wait until the ten days are up--before telling himself that even if he doesn't like how Kaworu handled things, he's still his best friend and he can't let him just wallow in the darkness for ten days without at least trying to go see him. But there's no knowing if his father will even give him permission, or if even asking would upset him, and the dinner is coming up, and...
Klick. Track 26 reverses to track 25.
Shinji's hands tighten on the tape player that used to belong to his father. He wishes sorely that he could be listening to this track with one earbud and Kaworu on the other.
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
Akane's been going back and forth from NERV office to NERV office lately -- the unfortunate result of being the junior member in Intelligence. She's actually kind of missing school, now, which is a rarity for her. That's meant a lot of high-speed rail transit, and today seems to be no different.
She also has to head to NERV HQ to formally file some paperwork regarding the sudden departure of the OCU from the Earth Federation. It's going to be a huge mess, frankly, and she isn't that enthused for the possibility of having to fill out more paperwork on her own as a follow-up...
... She sits down next to Shinji, when she sees him, noticing the SDAT player. Leaning forward far enough to meet his gaze, she gives him a quick wave, but doesn't say anything. The implicit refusal-to-connect of headphones is something she can respect, so she leaves it to him whether to start a conversation or sit in silence for a while.
Instead, she takes a little time to adjust her uniform hoodie-vest. It feels like it fits a little better, lately...
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Paperwork is something Shinji has blessedly not had to worry about for the most part, which means it doesn't enter into his mind and as such he doesn't realize how relatively good he has it. Then again, should a teenager as young as him (or at least, as young as he was) really be in an organization where he might need to do paperwork in the first place...?
As his head swirls with thoughts, someone sits down next to him. He doesn't pay her any mind at first, but then she leans over and waves, and he startles, sitting up straight and blinking wide at her.
"Shinjo-senpai! You startled me," he says, pulling out one of the earbuds. "Sorry, if you were saying anything, I didn't hear... Um... A-are you headed into HQ too?"
It's an awkward question, but it's been a pretty long while since they spoke face-to-face. And one of the last times they did, well... He's glad to see her in a better place, doing better for herself and being happier, and it was nice to see her again the other day even if she was just there to take notes, just... he isn't really sure where they stand as just a pair of people. Are they friends? (Were they ever friends?) Just GUTSmates/co-workers?
...It's probably a good time to find out. His gaze dips down to his lap as he cradles his fingers together, palm up; then he looks back at her as she fidgets with her hoodie. "Um... how are you feeling after the other day? It was really shocking, huh...?"
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"Oh, nah," Akane says, waving it off. "I just wanted to make sure you knew I was there. I don't..." She gestures vaguely, trying to find the words and eventually finishing, "If someone has both headphones in I have a hard time saying anything, ahaha..."
... she remembers psyching herself out more than once on the bus, when she first moved to Tsutsujidai. It's been a long time since then, huh...
"Yeah, I'm headed to HQ. There's... a lot of stuff we have to file about the Invisible Burst operation, and some of it has to be hard copy." It gets a little bit of a grimace-smile -- but she doesn't seem that bothered. "It's good to see you, though. It's... hahaha, man, it's a lot. Thanks for the help, uh... gosh, it's really been a month, huh..." It feels like yesterday.
He asks her how she's feeling, though, and she takes a deep breath. She... ought to be honest. "Pretty much everything from the moment Eva-04's tests came up onward was seriously freaky. I kinda... it's scary, right? It got really tense in there... I seriously felt like I couldn't even say anything. What about you?"
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
"Oh! Well... thanks," Shinji replies. He really does appreciate the consideration. If he has his earbuds in, chances are extremely good he doesn't want to be bothered. ...He doesn't mind it so much right now, though. Maybe talking to Akane will help him clear his mind.
He nods at her reply. "I bet you must be pretty busy, huh. Are you going to Jupiter yourself?" She might catch a note in his voice like he hopes not. She might be part of a branch of GGG, but it doesn't feel right to him that an intern like her take part in such a massive operation. He's already not that keen on Mari going, though if he's being honest, if any of the Evangelion pilots had to go, Mari seems like the best pick. She really enjoys fighting, after all.
A lot, though, huh. Akane doesn't need to specify what she means by 'a month ago'; a lot happened a month ago, but the thing that's relevant to both of them is the defeat of Alexis Kerib. Shinji's mouth twists a bit in memory of when the Hyper Devil approached him--makes him remember what he said about Kaworu--but still, he shakes his head a little, raising a hand. "I barely did anything. Still, if it helped, I'm glad," he says. "I don't like fighting, but when it came to him, there was really no getting around it."
He lowers his hand back to his lap. It's no surprise to hear that she's helping out with the Invisible Burst operation. After all, that's the big thing for everyone right now, far moreso than a new unit. Even if there's a lot of uncertainty about it. And--
"Yeah, it is scary. I keep overhearing bad rumors about it, like the only reason it was finished was because of how well the Eleventh Angel mission went." He rubs his wrists. The pain has long since vanished, but just thinking about it brings a phantom of it back. "It was hard for me to say anything, too. At the time, I didn't understand why they were suddenly arguing like that. I mean, Asuka and Kaworu-kun don't like each other--they haven't ever since they first met--but they've never outright argued like that... at least, not in public where everyone could see."
Shinji falls silent for a moment. After talking to Rei and Asuka about it afterwards, he's pulled together some thoughts on it, but... "What do you think about all that? You and Kaworu-kun are pretty close, right?" Though, actually, he wouldn't be surprised to hear otherwise. He considers Kaworu one of his best friends, along with Tohji and Kensuke, but there's a lot about him that's still a mystery.
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
Taking a deep breath as the topic of Jupiter comes up, Akane says, "... yeah," with the acute knowldge that it's going to disappoint Shinji to hear it. She looks out at the rails, taking a second to marshal her thoughts before elaborating. "I already filed for some school stuff about it. Rikka, Namiko, and Hass are coming, too. Originally I was going to talk to her about it, but she seems pretty motivated to help."
It sits a little awkwardly with Akane -- part of her had imagined Rikka having a 'normal life' after Alexis was finally addressed. ... but at the same time -- she's become very strong-hearted.
"Yeah... it's nice that things are finally over." She does miss Gridman, a little, and worries a lot for Yuta -- it's hard to put away those sacrifices in her head. On the other hand... the best thing she can do is work hard for the sake of her own happiness, then.
Rather than lingering there, she moves on to her and Shinji's shared concern -- the argument from the other day. "Yeah... I kind of get where both of them were coming from, but it's really a lot to watch people you know pretty well just go at each other." She lets out a sigh, shaking her head. "I dunno."
She, too, stays silent for a moment; she needs the time to marshal her thoughts, especially with that follow-up question.
"I wish both of them would've been a little more honest, I guess? Then again, I'm not really one to talk." She half-snickers at herself, then says, "I feel like... I've never seen Kaworu this motivated to do something specific? The vibes are weird. I kind of get where Asuka's coming from, but this isn't much like the Kaworu I know."
At the question of their closeness... "... I guess we're pretty close. He was the first person from outside my city I saw in over a year -- uh, besides Gridman, I guess, but I didn't know that at the time. Apparently he knew Alexis before any of that started..."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
"Really?" Shinji utters, taken aback. But... the more he thinks about it, the more it makes sense. He doesn't really know Namiko or Hass, but he does know Rikka, and she's not the type to just sit back and do nothing. Akane... after all the help everyone has given her over the past couple years, of course she'd want to give back. She's a lot braver than he is, after all. "Well... I hope you all come back safely," he thus says. It's impossible for him to mask his worry, but at least they're (presumably) all going into this with fully informed consent.
He nods, too, about Alexis finally being dealt with--and though Shinji can often be caught up in his own head, he does notice that Akane doesn't mention Utsumi or Yuta. He wonders if he should bring up that he and Kaworu went to see Yuta after Gridman left, but... it... didn't really go well. If she doesn't know already, it's probably better not to give Akane one more thing to worry about. What could she really do about it, especially if she's leaving for deep space soon?
"Yeah... That's about where I'm at," he replies. "It's normal for Asuka, but Kaworu-kun... I've never seen him act like that before. He's not someone to use his position to push to get his own way, either. Well, I guess he did say that he was only doing it because he thought it was something Asuka would listen to, but still..."
He falls quiet to listen to Akane's experience with Kaworu. The first person outside her city, not counting Gridman...? He furrows his eyebrows. "When exactly was that?" he wonders. That frown doesn't go away when Akane brings up Alexis and Kaworu knowing each other already, either. "...Do you know how?" he wonders.
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"... yeah, me too," Akane admits, still grimacing her way through it a little bit. "I mean, if we don't do anything, maybe no one comes back safely, so, like... haha, guess that's that, then!" It's not a very happy topic, but what else is she going to say?
The topic of Yuta and Utsumi goes unvoiced; Akane, too, visited Yuta after Gridman's departure, but it mostly gave her more cause to worry. At the same time, it definitely wouldn't seem right to drag them along to Jupiter if they could at all avoid doing so -- what Yuta needs right this second probably isn't even more life-or-death things barely in his control.
"It does feel a little... I dunno if I'd say different, from Asuka, but definitely there's more up there than usual," Akane muses, on the topic of that fight. "I think..." She sighs. Is it really as simple as 'something Asuka would listen to?' If she knew a little more about him...
"That was January of last year? Right before that big group all pushed in..." She thinks about the other question. "I don't. It always seemed like there was some..." She looks off to the side, then back at Shinji. "... well, for him to have known Alexis before I did it would've had to be when Kaworu was like ten, right? But it always felt more like Alexis treated him as a peer. The whole vibe was weird."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
"...Yeah. That's true." It's something that's as unavoidable as the Angels. SOMEONE has to do something about it, or the whole world will die. Of course, in Shinji's case, 'the world' was just so... outside his ability to grasp. The only reason he got in the Evangelion that first night was because if he didn't, Rei would have to, and he just--couldn't. He couldn't let a girl who was bleeding and suffering right in front of him have to suffer even more.
But it is a very unhappy topic. Shinji feels Akane, grimacing her way through that one. He's willing to let it drop for now, then. He... really does understand how she must feel, there.
His lips twitch up in a smile, at least, when Akane mentions that it felt like there was more going on there for Asuka. He's about to tell her about how he and Rei were planning on a family dinner on the 29th, how Asuka volunteered so Rei wouldn't have to change her plans... but he decides against it at the last second. Knowing Asuka, she'd hate having people know for certain about her secret squishy center.
So, instead: "I know it might not seem like it sometimes, but Asuka's not a bad person," he says. That smile fades. "But she is really proud, and she never backs down from a challenge, and she talks a lot of smack. He doesn't like any of that about her. I think... Kaworu-kun probably didn't trust her, and that's why he wouldn't back down. I bet he didn't like the way she was talking about Ayanami, either."
Which seems reasonable enough on its surface, but is it really that bad? Even Shinji, who's positing it in the first place, isn't fully sure. Asuka would barely talk about it at all, and Kaworu has always been willing to be, if not friendly, then at least cordial to her. The few times Kaworu's brought up his concerns about the way she treats him, Shinji had shut him down, and Kaworu had left it alone afterwards. Even if he didn't trust Asuka, even if he didn't like how she'd talked about Rei... is that really enough to move someone as gentle and placid as him into direct conflict?
He shakes his head a little. Maybe he'll have a better picture after he talks to Kaworu. For now, he's getting Akane's perspective... and it only raises more questions. January--that was the same month he and Asuka and so many others had just... slipped into Tsutsujidai as if via a dream, only for it all to turn out to be all too real. Kaworu had gotten involved right after then too, but... "Before they pushed in? Do you mean--when a bunch of us appeared out of nowhere to fight a kaiju? Including Asuka and me?"
Because Kaworu had acted as though he hadn't known anything about it either, but if he'd actually been there before... "What was he like, when he talked to you that first time?" Shinji persists.
And then there's the matter of the vibe Alexis and Kaworu apparently had. "That does sound weird... Kaworu-kun just turned seventeen this month," he says slowly. "His birthday was the 13th." The day of Second Impact, in other words--though surely there's lots of babies who were born that day. He hesitates, then decides to commit: "Actually, a little before the final showdown... Alexis approached me one night. He scared the living daylights out of me, but he was just there to talk." His frown deepens. "Well. To trash-talk. But to talk, rather than fight."
It sparks guilt in him, actually. Alexis had said all that stuff to try to get Shinji to distrust Kaworu--he knows that. And here he is, distrusting Kaworu, just like Alexis had wanted. It doesn't matter if he's gone now if he still does what the Hyper Devil wanted. But...
He can't just ignore this, can he?
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
Akane notices that small smile at the mention of Asuka... but she doesn't have the context, so she doesn't press. Instead, she lets him talk about her -- and what he says seems to accord with her own understanding of the abrasive pilot. "No, yeah, I get it. Asuka's... trying her best for you guys." More than that isn't really her place to speculate on.
The idea that Kaworu didn't trust her, though -- that gives her pause. Kaworu certainly seemed like he trusted Akane, for a given value, and Asuka's not that different in a lot of ways... what part of this is she missing? It's still gnawing at her, and gnaws at her more the more Shinji talks.
"Yeah," she affirms, at the mention of Shinji and Asuka fighting a kaiju. "Before all that stuff. This was between kaiju fights... I was working on Knight, at the time." He'd been Anti then, but now it actually feels weird to call him that. He's more than the Anti-Gridman, ready to fight Gridman to fix a fixed world -- more than the Anti-Akane, everything she couldn't express. He's his own creature, now.
She thinks back to the time she first met Kaworu, and sees no reason to lie. She doesn't want to expose the secret of his true nature, but... "... He was really curious about everything. He couldn't stop asking questions, but not in, like, a little kid way. He wanted to know if I was happy there, and, uh..."
Here, she turns a little pink, and her gaze turns down. "... I started doing the foot thing to him and he wanted to know why I was doing it," she answers, embarrassed.
There's also Alexis to discuss, though. "... He stopped by to see you? Really?" Akane blinks in surprise. "What did he even want to talk about?"
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Akane puts her own summary on Asuka's behavior, and Shinji nods, that little smile lingering. "Yeah. Exactly." More than that isn't his place to say, but... it makes him happy to know that there are people who understand her. She's his girlfriend, after all. He doesn't like people saying bad things about her, even if--as in Liam's case--they're only doing it to try to defend someone else he cares about.
Before all that stuff... Hearing that confirmed definitely gives Shinji pause. He's not sure how he feels about that. Maybe he'd have good cause to hide it from NERV, but why would he hide it from him? Shinji supposes they had just met, so maybe he was just being cautious, but...
He does laugh a little when he hears what Kaworu had actually done. "That sounds just like him," he says, affection plain in his voice. It's that affection that keeps him from getting embarrassed, given that Akane's done it to him too. "I bet he was totally unbothered besides asking you what you were doing, right?"
...So if a weird and frankly uncomfortable violation of boundaries wasn't enough to upset him, why again was he so adamant about Unit-03...? Then again, maybe it's unfair to compare the two? Shinji honestly isn't sure.
He grimaces at the question about Alexis, even though he'd been the one to bring the topic up. "Mostly about Kaworu-kun. He kept saying things like I'm the only person he cares about and he's totally obsessed with me and hinting that I shouldn't trust him, when none of that's true. Kaworu-kun does care about me a lot, but I'm not special. He's really caring towards a lot of people. There was this girl we ran into the day of his birthday, totally by happenstance, and she just happened to be a friend of his. It wasn't a planned meeting. We were just hanging out in the city."
He laughs a little, leaning back in his seat. Remembering that weird green-haired girl who gave a name so obviously fake Shinji hasn't even bothered remembering it just as weirdly makes him feel better about all this. "Maybe it's just who Kaworu-kun is. He can talk to anyone like they're an equal--even someone as scummy as Alexis Kerib. He even told my father to his face he thought he was wrong, and... Father's really intimidating. Most people would never dare."
It would be a nice way to wrap a bow on the matter, but...
"...What do you think?"
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
"Haha, yeah. Sometimes it's hard for me to tell if he's asking for his own sake or just to get you to look at what you're doing, you know?" Akane replies, with a slightly tense laugh. "Sometimes that kinda thing annoys me, but... you can tell he doesn't mean it in a bad way." Or maybe she's just more inclined to let him get away with things because he's a kaiju...
"I mean..." Akane pauses. It's not really her business to confess on Kaworu-kun's behalf, but at the same time, there's a lot unsaid here and some of it, well... is it better for Shinji to think it's not true just because it came from Alexis? Akane goes quiet for a bit.
When she at last sorts through her feelings, she says, "... Nah, you two definitely -- you're something unique, and not just 'cuz of the Evangelion stuff. Like, Kaworu and I are friends, but... well, he's outright said that if it's between you and me, the choice is easy." That kind of clarity is something Akane envies -- even as she's taken strength from it.
Shaking her head, she says, "Alexis did something like that to me when I was gonna confess to Rikka, too, but like -- that doesn't mean our feelings for each other weren't real, so... I think you ought to really consider why a guy who likes wrecking teenagers' relationships would mess around with you and Kaworu."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
"Yeah," Shinji agrees with actually no tension, of both the nature of Kaworu's questions and of his lack of ill will. He absolutely gets why Akane would be annoyed, but with Kaworu... you really can tell he doesn't mean anything bad by it. He's always incredibly nice to everyone--well, not everyone, that's literally why they're having this conversation, but Shinji actually likes that about him too, if not quite the specifics of it. The fact that Kaworu has someone he doesn't like, even if it's someone Shinji wishes he'd get along with, means he's not just nice to be nice. He really does mean it.
But then Akane goes quiet. Shinji doesn't press. After all, he asked her what she thought, and he wants to know. As far as he knows, Kaworu is at least as close with Akane as he is with him, and having the perspective of a mutual friend can only help, right?
Except that isn't Akane's take--she even says that if he had to choose between the two of them, he'd choose him easily. Shinji blinks, owl-eyed, rocking back a little in his seat. "What? But why?" he asks, genuinely baffled. "He met you around the same time he met me. Why would I be that much more special to him than you?"
He'd assume it is because of the Eva stuff--Shinji has to admit that the bond he feels with his fellow Eva pilots is different from the bond he has from Misato or the rest of his friends; dare he say, more special--but... one of the very few people Kaworu dislikes is one of those Eva pilots.
He falls silent himself when Akane gives him a different perspective on Alexis's behavior, color rising in his cheeks. Kaworu... liking him...? The idea makes his chest tighten--but also guilt bubble up in his gut. Kaworu is dating Rei, was also (is maybe technically still?) dating Gridman, and Shinji's dating Asuka. It just... isn't right to feel this way about a friend. Even if Kaworu don't feel strongly about gender. Or sexuality. Or how many partners he has...
"I-it's because we're best friends," he protests, and he kind of hates how hot his face feels. "We co-pilot Unit-01 now, even. We'd just started right around when he came to harass me--that's it! That must be it!" he declares, sitting up straight. "Kaworu-kun had just become my co-pilot, and it was not that long before his big move. He must've figured Kaworu-kun and I would help fight back against him and wanted to mess us to keep us out of his way. If I started distrusting him, our sync ratio with Unit-01 would've dropped for sure, and we wouldn't be able to pilot as well, and that would've made us easier to beat!"
How's that saying go? Something about protesting too much?
<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.
Why would Shinji be so much more special to Kaworu than Akane, despite that? Akane still has to think about that. She doesn't know the answers in Kaworu's heart, doesn't really know the full extent of his strangeness. There's clearly something that passed between him and Alexis she doesn't understand -- perhaps there's something similar between Kaworu and Shinji...?
That part Akane doesn't know. She chews her way through it, slowly, bit by bit. It's a lot -- Kaworu's a complicated person. The fluster, though, gives her more to think about still. Does Shinji like Kaworu that way? But Kaworu's dating Rei and Gridman, and isn't Shinji dating Asuka...?
When at last she works her way through it, she says, "I guess that makes sense. But even if he wanted to get under your skin, like... you two definitely have to navigate that. You and Kaworu, I mean. That might make it even more important. Rikka and I took a year to get there, and... a lot of people got hurt."
The wind seems to be a bit out of her sails, now. "I'd tell you good luck, but I always kinda hated hearing that one. So instead, uh..." She pauses, groping for words. "... You can do it?" She smiles, and lets out an awkward laugh. "It'll probably be on you, though. Kaworu doesn't seem like he'll tell anyone anything without a ton of prompting."
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Perhaps, but how could that be? Shinji is certain the first time he met Kaworu was that day in NERV's mess hall, with at least half a dozen other people. They're close friends now, but back at the beginning, things were still pretty awkward, just as they were with Shinji and everyone. But it's true Kaworu was kind to him right from the start. Shinji knows Kaworu cares about him--acknowledges it, even as he doesn't truly believe he deserves it--but why? Why would he care about him that much?
R
Let's not even touch how Shinji actually feels about Kaworu. He's been trying not to analyze that for almost a year now. If Kaworu did feel that way about him, why would he push him so hard, so insistently, towards Asuka? Even if he did feel that way, even if Shinji felt that way back, it isn't fair to either of them or to either of their partners. He just... can't.
But Akane does have a point: whatever the nature of Shinji and Kaworu's relationship, it's even more unfair to just pretend there isn't anything meaningful there. Shinji... doesn't understand how special he is to Kaworu, but Kaworu is very special to him. If that's something that Alexis noticed enough to want to try to ruin, then... maybe it's time that Shinji try to understand, instead of simply leaving it be and taking it for granted.
You can do it, Akane reassures him, though she sounds as though she needs reassuring herself. Shinji doesn't know if it's right to compare him and Kaworu to her and Rikka, but...
Klick. Track 25 works backwards into track 24, into a familiar classical melody.
Wohl mir, dass ich Jesum habe...
Shinji rolls his hand around. The earbud that matches the one in his ear lays alone there at the center of his palm, waiting quietly for the one with which to share its music--the end of the song that Shinji knows so well, he doesn't need to hear it to know the lyrics whose meaning he doesn't know.
...ach drum lass' ich Jesum nicht, wenn mir gleich mein Herze bricht.
Shinji closes his hand around it and lifts his chin, a new resolve glinting in his eyes.
"...Yeah. It probably will be. But still, I'll talk to him," he says, as much a promise to himself as it is to Akane. Which means his next stop is...
He offers her a smile as their train rolls in; he gathers up his SDAT and rises to his feet. "Thanks for the talk, senpai. It actually helped out a lot," he tells her. "Let's go."