2023-08-20: Reflection
- Log: 2023-08-20: Reflection
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa, Shozo
- Where: Tsutsujidai - Sluice Gate
- OOC - IC Date: 0097-08-20
- Summary: Shozo goes to find Kaworu before he leaves Tsutsujidai. They have a lot to talk about.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu is a frequent visitor of Tsutsujidai for a variety of reasons. Today, it's because he came yesterday for a meeting about what to do about the future of Tsutsujidai and its guardians, and stayed for the Hyper Devil who tried to destabilize it from reality, again. Now he's been sealed away, and can harm no one any longer.
This has its own consequences. But Kaworu hasn't come to Tsutsujidai's sluice gate for them. He's gently encouraged Shinji to talk to who he needs to while NERV handles packing up Unit-01 for transit back to Orbit Base. He didn't mention that he wouldn't be there for that either. He needs... a little time to himself.
And so he sits atop the railing of said sluice gate, gazing out at the city restored, one leg perched atop with an arm draped over it, one leg dangling off with a hand resting on the railing next to it. For a human, this would require quite a bit of balance and coordination, but Kaworu doesn't pay it any mind at all. It's normal for him.
And normalcy will soon return to Tsutsujidai. And, with Duma likewise sealed away, normalcy has been returned to Tokyo-3. But...
Well. He has his own feelings about it all.
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"Hooooh... This is where we first met, isn't it?"
Someone walks out onto the concrete of the floodgate -- it's Shozo! Though... he looks older right now. Not older than Kaworu looks, but definitely a few years older than the child he's been presenting as.
"I've been hoping to talk to you, Kaworu. Sorry if I'm interrupting after a... particularly chaotic event." His voice is slightly more mature as well, but still youthful. As he leans on the railing, he looks at Kaworu and gives him a warm smile.
His eyes are still filled with those unsettling red rings, however.
"How are you doing, after... all that? I sometimes wonder if *you* get to talk to people, in the same way that other pilots at NERV have to."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu blinks once and looks to one side as Shozo emerges. The presence is not a surprise, and actually neither is his sudden age-up, but that manner of speaking... He doesn't stop staring at Shozo as he explains his reason for being here, though he does settle slightly.
"I'm here to talk if you wish, Shozo," he replies, smiling back. "It isn't an interruption. I was merely thinking. I can think and talk at the same time."
From other people, this would be a joke. Kaworu is quite serious about it, though.
"If I 'get to' talk to people?" he echoes. "As for me, mm... this outcome was inevitable. Alexis Kerib refused to let go of the past. For those who are eager to step forward into the future, he would need to be dealt with by necessity."
He pauses.
"By the way, why are you imitating his cadence?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
Shozo blinks, genuine surprise in his eyes.
"...Am I? I hadn't actually realized." He scratches the back of his head, a bit of an embarrassed look on his face. "Wasn't my intention. Acting older like this -- well, it's still me, and still my thoughts, but I interpret them a bit differently. It's a bit disquieting to imagine I'll be *more* like Alexis when I'm older." He chuckles a bit awkwardly.
"In all seriousness, I actually *did* want to check in on you. I suppose I'm not human enough to be any good at caring about people who are Important to them." He looks over at Kaworu, rubbing his nose. "It's just that -- well, Between Duma, and all that happened here, and -- Well, I caught you looking, during the battle." He smiles at the Angel. "It was a certain kind of look."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"It was a little startling at first," Kaworu replies. "As I recall, Alexis was the first person you met when you were born, wasn't he? You seemed quite contemptuous of him during yesterday's battle, but perhaps you've been more influenced by him than you realized. When we first met, you spoke like him then, too."
It's something to be mindful of, at least. One often doesn't notice the subtle way in which their interactions with others changes them. As much as Alexis Kerib went on and on about how he was immutable, the way he presented himself this time around was very different from how he was originally.
But the subject moves on, and that's fine with him. He continues to smile back. "Thank you. I appreciate your concern, Shozo." His expression turns thoughtful as he goes on, though. There's a moment that he thinks Shozo is talking about, but just in case, he prompts him with: "Oh?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"If you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to talk about it," Shozo says calmly. "Just wanted you to know that it's still all me here." He gives Kaworu a genuine smile, but hesitates to reach out and make contact.
"...I really wanted to talk about Duma more, if that's alright, more than anything. I feel... wrong, with how it ended. Not least of all because I don't think it's over." Shozo lets the smile drop off his face, and sighs. "I think I would have been fine if Duma had just been allowed to die. He... deserved to die, as off as I'm sure that sounds." He lets his thumb rub against the railing, wiping the shine off the metal.
"And I don't think he got to."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"Why would I not want to talk about it?" Kaworu wonders, confused. He'd just finished talking about Shozo's connection with Alexis, after all. Still, if it's Shozo's own way of saying he doesn't want to talk about it, he's content to let it drop with a nod of acceptance. Shozo is still himself. That's enough.
The topic turns more fully to Duma. Kaworu nods him on in silence, to allow Shozo to express his thoughts on how that battle ended. "It doesn't," he reassures him. He heard 'Duma deserved to die' as 'Duma deserved the dignity of death,' after all. The rest, though... Kaworu turns his gaze out towards the city.
"I don't think so, either," he agrees quietly. To prompt Shozo into exploring this feeling of wrongness further, he gently wonders, "Why does that bother you?"
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"Why shouldn't it bother me?" Shozo says, a note of terseness in his voice. "To kill something -- to *end its life* -- is a natural thing. If you don't do it, time will eventually. And once the body dies, it's just meat." It was a bleak philosophy, but not a particularly hateful one.
"But to take a life, and *profane* it -- to make it, still living against its will, into something it does not want to be-" Shozo's face is a mask of *rage* as he speaks now. He's *angry* as he says this.
"It's the sort of thing my fathers -- *both* of them -- do, and it's-" His thumb punches clean through the metal of the railing, perforating it.
"I reject it. I reject them. I always considered them evil, but... What happened to Duma gave me *context*. It let me understand how *unacceptable* it is."
Shozo catches his breath, and actively lets his hitched shoulders slump. He looks up at Kaworu again, exhaling through his nose.
"I think Duma is going to be made into something to hurt people, and I want to put him beyond use. For his own sake. How can I help you so that we can make that happen?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
As Shozo expresses his anger with more and more intensity as he goes on, Kaworu listens in silence, watching him from where he sits. He doesn't react to Shozo perforating the metal of the railing, though he does observe it. More important to Kaworu is how Shozo processes and expresses his feelings on the matter.
And when he's done...
"..."
His smile turns apologetic, the inner tips of his eyebrows turning upward. "I don't know. This has never happened before," he says quietly. "I don't know where to locate Duma to resolve this matter, nor do I know the plan of they who captured him. Without information, the actions one can take are limited. Even NERV has decided to consider this matter tentatively resolved."
Not to mention, if Shozo wants to destroy anything and anyone that profanes life and the will of a living being, he'd have to destroy NERV too for what they've done to create the Evangelions and many of their pilots in the first place. So, naturally, Kaworu does not mention it.
"We may get more information in the future," he says instead. "At that point, there may be an opportunity to act. Until then, as frustrating as it may be to you, we must wait."
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
"And how are we supposed to *wait*?" Shozo says, actively biting back his words as he realizes that his anger is tilting towards Kaworu. He stops, breathes, releases his grip on the railing -- though not without leaving DEEP handprints in the metal.
"I am MADE to rage, and be wrathful and hateful. I am made to *resolve* things." He looks at Kaworu, a mournful expression in his eyes.
"I love you, Kaworu. I don't have a better word for it, but you are someone incredibly important to me. I've known you longer than I've known my family -- I *consider* you family, even if it's not mutual. You were the first good thing to come into my life. And maybe I'm wrong -- I still don't understand emotions properly -- but I think what happened with Duma hurt you. More than it hurt me, more than I think it hurt anyone but *maybe* Gridman. And it makes me *angry* that I can't just go out and help fix your hurt." He puts out a hand to Kaworu -- just like he did when they first met.
" I was Gridman's monster today, but going forward, let me be yours when you need one." He looks up at the moon. "Even if I'm one among many."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
For a time, Kaworu says nothing; he simply lets Shozo snap, the railing bending under his grasp. Shozo gets himself under control, and speaks of what he was made to do. Kaworu is generally aware of these things; he doesn't outwardly react to this, either.
But being told he is loved and considered family gets Shozo a widening of those crimson eyes, casting a flummoxed shadow on his features. They soften as Shozo says he thinks what happened to Duma hurt him. When Shozo reaches his hand out to cover his, Kaworu doesn't pull away.
"Thank you. Whatever you were made by your fathers to be, it's kind of you to want to heal someone else's pain," he tells him gently. "But you aren't Gridman's monster. Gridman wanted to save Duma, but you went to kill them of your own will and your own volition. Gridman wanted you to stay off the battlefield, but you fought Alexis of your own will and your own volition."
He turns his gaze out towards the blue skies overhead, tracing it to the Moon. "In the same way, you would not be my monster, even if you called yourself that. That is a good thing; I don't want to bend you to my will. That is the very thing you despise, isn't it?" He offers him a rueful smile. "I'm touched that you care so much about me, Shozo. But you are your own being and no one else's. Not your fathers, not Gridman, and not me."
He turns his hand over and curls his fingers around Shozo's. "If, however, you would like to help me out on occasion as a friend... then I accept."
<Pose Tracker> Shozo has posed.
Shozo says nothing, but lets that gentle, warm contact between the two persist for a while, smiling at Kaworu.
"Helping a friend? Always." he says simply. "...And for the record, that extends to those you care for as well. I heard his voice this time, in all the chaos -- Shinji, right? He sounds nice." He shows some teeth now, as the grin gets a bit more childish. "If he needs something, feel free to call me in." He then reaches into the backpack he walked over with, and produces a few small boxes.
"Speaking of things for friends, some souvenirs. Vit always taught me to be gregarious, and I don't know if you guys are going to be sticking around long enough to explore the town." He offers them to Kaworu. "Considering this place didn't exist too long ago, they make some pretty good traditional sweets here."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"He is nice," Kaworu confirms, not just his voice but his whole demeanor warming at the mention of his own 'Important Person.'
He lets him go to retrieve those souvenirs, and accepts the box of traditional sweets when offered it. "We're leaving soon, but we've been here before," he tells him. And of Tsutsujidai itself: "Yes. There are many wonderful things here... and there will continue to be as it continues to thrive, I'm sure."
He'll take in that brilliant blue sky for a while longer as they hang out on the sluice gate, quietly reflecting on who is there and who is not... before he, too, moves on.