2023-08-20: No One Knows You Better
- Cutscene: No One Knows You Better
- Cast: Naoko Suzuki and friends
- Where: Nova Stellar's Quarters, Ra Mari II
- Date: 0097-08-20
- Summary: Still clueless regarding the exact nature of her actions during the Miracle of Magallanica, Naoko presses her friends for answers. The one she gets is not one she was prepared for.
Naoko awakens with a start, looking at her surroundings in confusion for a moment, before recognizing the features of her own quarters. In front of her is the dark screen of her laptop, gone into sleep mode. She doesn't remember turning it on. She doesn't even remember going back to her quarters and sitting down at her desk, let alone dozing off.
It only makes sense, with how she's been working herself to the bone doing repairs on the Sukeban. Full Frontal did a real number on it, and she needs to get it fully operational again ASAP. Besides, this is nothing new, it's always like this. Once she starts working on something, it's hard to know when to quit. Far from the first time she's stumbled back to her room on autopilot.
Stretching herself out, her thoughts drift back to how the day began. The medical checkup, following her post-battle collapse. The same conclusion, once again. No external or internal injuries. Just exhaustion. She lets out a chuckle, and shakes her head.
"Heh. Just exhaustion. Are they just going to pretend nothing happened back there? Even if they didn't notice the rest, I stabbed a teammate's Mobile Suit. Hardly something people do out of 'just exhaustion'."
She stands up, starting to pace back and forth. "I bet Rena spoke up for me. Probably said I was just helping. Heh, yeah, I guess I was, but isn't anybody going to ask about how I helped? People here got the weirdest attitude, asking so few questions. Not that I have any answers for them."
Abruptly, she stops, and looks down. The two butterfly hairclips are in their usual spots, affixed to her braids. Unmoving, and silent. They've been saying very little, ever since then. She'd be fine with the crew glossing over the incident. But not them.
"...How long are you two planning to stay quiet about this? Don't you think we need to talk?"
Silence. Naoko sighs, walking to her bed, and letting herself fall back on it. It's not as if she likes having to have this conversation. But she can't just overlook this.
"Alright, fine. I'll talk. You can just chime in whenever you have something to say." She pauses for a short moment, before continuing. "I heard what you said, Uriel. You thought this would be 'the same as always'. That I would lose consciousness and not remember what I did. You were saying that to Ariel, thinking I wouldn't hear it. So that leads us to some obvious conclusions. This sort of thing has happened before, multiple times. Both you and Ariel were aware of that. And you never told me about it."
She leaves an opening for objections. Again, she receives nothing but silence. "I'm hearing no argument, so I have to assume I'm right so far. Now, I've noticed that you're always the one who objects to me talking about my abilities, or anything related to the Sukeban. Could be that this, too, was all Uriel's idea. Is that how it is, Ariel? If so, now's the time to tell me. If you stay silent, I have to assume that both of you, together, have decided to keep things from me. Are you alright with that?"
This isn't fair, Naoko is well aware. She knows what Ariel is like. Unable to bear misunderstandings, always wanting to smooth things over as best as possible, as soon as possible. She's purposely putting pressure on the one she knows is more likely to break under it. And yet... complete and utter silence. Not even a 'mumu' of distress. Naoko lets out another deep sigh, palming her face.
"So that's how it's gonna be? Ignore the problem, maybe it'll go away, is that what you think? I'm not going to just drop this, you two. I..." Slowly, she sits up, head lowered. This is miserable. But she has to keep pushing.
"...I need the both of you. Not just for company, or to help me pilot. To keep me from losing my mind."
That got a reaction. No words, nothing she 'heard', for lack of a better word. But she did sense something, a mild shift. If she had to describe it, she might compare it to a breath catching in someone's throat. Suddenly, it all makes sense.
"Aha. So that's it. You thought that knowing about these... episodes... that it would be bad for me. Much like how you keep telling me that I'm rushing into things too much. That's all you're doing, you're just looking out for me."
Abruptly, her tone hardens. "So, telling yourselves that it's all for my own good... does that make it easier to lie to me?"
>"It's not like that!"<
Bingo. Now that Ariel's broken her silence, there's no way that Uriel won't speak up, too. Sure enough...
>"Ugh, you're so damn persistent! Fine, we kept things from you, is that what you wanted to hear? We were just trying to protect you! We didn't tell you any lies!"<
"That's a lie right there!" Naoko raises her voice in anger. "You've told me 'we don't know' so often - just how many times has that been a lie?!"
The twin AIs don't appear to have an immediate response for that. 'Poor kids', she catches herself thinking. 'I shouldn't have yelled at them, they didn't even realize what they were doing.' This is her fault too - she's been excusing their behavior out of hand for so long. She never even questioned whether they were telling her the truth. But now that she's put this much together--
"...the Sukeban. You told me that 'something activated' when I got in the cockpit that day, that the interface had just 'appeared'. That wasn't true, was it?"
It was just like what happened today. Waking up and not recalling when she fell asleep. Easy to explain away when you habitually overwork yourself. It doesn't feel abnormal when something happens that often, you don't see the need to question it further. It's just... the same as always.
But, that technology... she doesn't understand how it works. Even if you asked her, there's no way she could replicate it. She'd had the thought that there would have to be something online about something so remarkable. Papers, books, anything. She's looked. She found things that resemble it, but nothing quite like it. She had to assume it was one of her parents' top secret projects. She had no reason to even entertain the thought that it could have been her own.
But she remembers that feeling. Of floating in space, as if her own body was that of a machine. She may not remember the actions that led to it, but... what else could that have been, but an extension of what the Sukeban was already capable of? And who else could have known how to do that, but the one who invented it?
Uriel and Ariel aren't responding to the question. She has to assume that this is the truth. In which case...
Very calmly and deliberately, she removes the white hairclip from its resting place, gently holding Ariel in her hands as she rises from the bed. "Let's not keep any more secrets from each other, okay? Now that I know this much, I might as well know everything. It's alright. I'm not upset. You can tell me. So... What more is there?"
There is a moment's hesitation, before Ariel begins, >"I-it's not that simple. There's, um, circumstances that make it difficult for me to, ah... w-what I mean is, this is putting me in a very awkward position--"<
Naoko tightens her grip, her face contorting in anger. "I don't give a shit about your position! You have no right to decide what I do and don't get to know! Whose idea was it to keep all this from me?!"
>"It was YOURS!"<
Naoko's eyes go wide, Uriel's words landing like a punch to the gut. Ariel flies away, easily escaping from her loosened grip as she slowly sinks back down to a seated position. Meanwhile, the black metal butterfly also takes to the air, floating in front of Naoko's face.
>"YOU were the one who said not to tell you about these things! Don't get mad at us, we're only doing what YOU told us to do!"<
Is that why she never tried to look into Sukeban's construction any deeper than she did? Was she subconsciously trying to keep herself away from the truth? It all comes back around to that eternal question - 'what am I?' - floating around in her head. The struggle of simultaneously yearning for the answer and being deathly afraid of it.
'I'm sorry,' she mouths inaudibly, before repeating in a whisper. "...I'm sorry." As Uriel flies off in a huff, she pulls her legs up onto the bed, hugging her knees against her chest. Soon after, Ariel lands on her arm.
>"...I'm sorry too. We wanted to be more honest with you--"
>"Speak for yourself!"<
>"...Well, it's always been hard for Uriel to be completely honest. But we never meant to hurt you. We didn't lie about that."<
Naoko gives a slight nod. "...I know. I just... this is a lot. Did I really...?"
>"You did. You knew that you wouldn't remember. And you didn't want yourself to remember. You said that... one day you'd be ready to hear. But we couldn't tell if you were ready. So we just... kept waiting. Maybe we waited a bit too long."<
"No," Naoko responds immediately. "I understand. This is my fault. Always thinking I know better... even better than myself." Laying down on her back, she places the back of her hand on her forehead. "I'll ask you again... when I actually am ready."
Who is she kidding. There is no 'being ready', not for this. As soon as she sees the path, she can't get herself to follow it any further, fearing what lies at the end.
Even after all this time, after all she's been through... she hasn't changed at all.