2023-07-14: .an acceptable salvE
- Log: .an acceptable salvE
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Leina Ashta
- Where: The Silent Castle / Villa Mass (Video Call)
- Date: 2023-07-14
- Summary: Yuliana rings Leina to try and help support her through her torments, and the two of them talk about some of the worse scars and horrors of their experiences. For Yuliana, expressing this care is a safer proposition -- because Leina is in no position to say something to upset Elisa -- but her self-centric method of empathy leaves something to be desired. Perhaps this is the best she can do... and is it doing anything good, for Leina? She's happy that Yuliana is part of her life, anyway. (Content warning: Medical torture/isolation, self-harm, suicide, brainwashing)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
This time, it's easier.
Yuliana still needs a nice, long, hot bath when she's done practising her dance steps -- SHE is still the one dancing, in there, with none of the typical cockpit seating of a wanzer -- but her head doesn't feel like it's been trapped in a bed of spikes, so much, any more. Oh, it's still a touch strange, it's still an expansive experience... but it's one she's more at peace with, now. It's not as frightening, when she isn't torn between two halves of her existence.
(A common affliction, for Yuliana Kafim.)
It feels more like her choice, in the days which follow, to rest and to recover; Elisa's been lovely, of course, and so, so supportive. She has spent much time draped over her wife, bleeding her affections, luxuriating in her praise and her protectiveness. She feels so much better, now she isn't distressing her wife until her strings all cut.
She has a moment to herself right now, at least; she isn't glued to her wife, at this point. (She was, for a while. It happens quite often.) In a moment of bored inspiration, less forethought and more whimsy, Yuliana has a servant fetch her phone again; she thinks speaking to Leina ought to be a much safer prospect.
Leina is so occupied with herself, right now, that she'd scarcely think to do the wrong Rita has done. And doesn't it make Yuliana look so good, how she's giving Leina attention now? She's the most kind and caring woman there was.
Well -- she dials her up. There may be a process; she goes through it. Until:
"Hello, Leyasha," Yuliana smiles, through her camera, as she seats it all propped up on the table beside her sitting-couch. She is dressed in the black robes she wears so often, now; she has tucked her green fold crystal under the blue scarf she's tossed on, for the occasion. (She doesn't wear it around the house. Modesty rules are different, under one's own roof.) "Are you well?"
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina was doing better today after her recent sessions. She didn't need anyone in the bathroom other than Foras when she took a shower. She brushed her hair in front of a mirror without bursting into tears. Little things. Small acts.
She made herself lunch. Pringa. Some of the spiced chicken from last night. The pork was too salty for her appetite yet, bacon felt like licking a salt lake, and made the nausea worse.
Just Pringa. Simple.
Little things that got her out of her room, and back into the act of living again. When Yuliana calls, today, she's not in her pajamas when she answers. Instead it's in an old, faded Magical Girl Wonderful Persimmon shirt, and a pair of jean shorts. They both look too big for her, like she borrowed them from an older sister.
It's okay. It's just a video call. A member of household security was standing out of frame and monitoring the call, but she didn't need Banagher or Mineva or Sayla or Judau to actually be standing there with her.
Or at least, that's her hope.
"Hey, Yuliana." She waves a hand at her, tries her best to smile. It's thin, like putting on a sticker. Right now not one but two cats are actually visible. Foras, the Blue Maine coon is on her lap, she's seated bedside, but it's hard to tell at this angle, whereas Buer, the Red Abyssinian is on a wardrobe that's almost entirely out of the frame, curled there lazily, her tail flicks as she watches. "I'm- doing better. Making progress. The sessions are helping. How are you?"
She nudges Foras, "Say Hi to Yuliana~" And picks up his paw, as she makes a small wave at her. He doesn't seem to mind since the motion is quick, before he goes right back to purring under the attention of her hand.
"Yuliana! Hi! Yuliana! Hi!" A Haro enthuses distantly, but it's not in frame. It's perhaps not surprising that even without Banagher or one of her loved ones in frame, that she is well accompanied.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Good. I'm glad to hear it," Yuliana smiles, and smiles a little more brightly, seeing those cats. "Aww, they're just darling! Hello, dear! Hello!" With a little wave to the little cat. (All cats are little, when your cat is a tiger.) And there's a Haro, too. Probably not just a Haro, Yuliana supposes, and she asks: "Oh, I hear Haro, too... is Nasya there?"
It's an innocent question! She's interested, after all. Why, isn't Banagher also her friend?
"You do look better," and the improvement is a little painted-on, but Yuliana is giving her the benefit of the doubt, surely. "Expect the progress of those sessions to take some time, of course... it even took me months to right myself. But improvement is improvement, no? I'm glad I was able to help you, in the end."
She settles back on her couch, resting her cheek on her curled fingers. "You know, I understand that it's you who passed on those deprogramming protocols to my wife, back then. Funny how it works out, isn't it?" Who knew that months later, Yuliana would be the one handing over intel to help in Leina's deprogramming? "Well, you did a good deed, after all... it's fine to repay that."
Not that Yuliana has always paid her debts, but she'd like to be seen as someone who does.
"Have you been able to occupy yourself?" She turns to, tilting her head into her fingers. "I found improvement when I found things to do with myself... why, when Ujico brought over a model of flowers which required construction, I discovered a whole new hobby for myself! It's important to have something to do, I think."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Foras and Buer, our little devils." She rubs Foras' side and neck with a certain attention that makes Foras' tip up in contentment as she looks to check out where Buer is in the room, "Yes you are, Oh yes you are." Before she smiles, "He's asleep, in the guest room, I insisted he take a long nap. He's going to make himself sick trying to keep to my sleep schedule right now."
She gives Yuliana an apologetic look, and without makeup, the dark circles are quite apparent, "It's kinda wrecked right now." There is a smile as Yuliana says she looks better, and then there's a slow nod, "You were. Thank you. Right now we're looking at-" She closes her eyes, takes a deep breath, "-optimistically, six months. Give or take. Existing deprogramming protocols aren't... aren't effective, because of the traps he set. Memory is his- his specialty."
Opening her seagreen eyes again, she nods at her, "Yes, that's true. I was happy to provide it, I'm glad they were able to help her keep the process smoother. I also worked with Dr. Nam Minh to come up with a withdrawal regimen where... well, they were ordered to craft your medication regimen to make it unnecessarily torturous should you leave their care."
Does Leina even catch how it is fine to repay that? Does she? It's hard to say. Right now she's in a state where she hardly trusts her own ability to critically think through a situation. To catch context clues.
Any thought she has, she second guesses it, considers herself to be taking it in the worst possible way.
Does she catch it? Yes. Yes she does.
And she discards that thought. Instead focusing on Yuliana's question about occupying herself.
"It's... I'm slowly moving back into routine. It's been a little difficult, so much of what I do is, to take care of the people in my life- and right now, it feels like that desire to care is coming from the wrong place, I suppose?" This is a vulnerable admission, to dissect that kind of thing and nakedly bare it for her to see, "I'm not in any state right now to care for... anyone else. I have to let others... care for me, until I'm in the proper state of mind for it."
There is a moment's pause and, "I did go swimming again? After my last therapy session. I'm... months out of training, but it felt nice to get back into the pool. I guess I was worried after the sensory deprivation experiments if- if I'd be able to handle it, but I took to it again just fine."
There's a struggle for a long moment, as she grapples with just how much of what she does is for other people, "A lot of the things I was doing to occupy myself with before, I'm... not allowed, right now. I'm an active liability. There is homework but? It's trivial because I'm- repeating the year." There's a prolonged sigh on that, "I guess a new hobby would be- useful? Just, my head isn't in the best space for choosing which one to pick up."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"They're lovely little devils!" Yuliana enthuses, on the subject of Foras and Buer. And on the subject of Banagher, Yuliana smiles, sympathetic. "Ah, insomnia..? Yes, of course. Mm, I hope I didn't wake you. It's... difficult to really absorb the time, where I live." The sun is shining through the window, behind her, but that means little to nothing.
Because the sun never sets, when Summer hits the North Pole.
She's sympathetic as she nods, too. "Memory... it's a difficult thing. Even now, though it wasn't Dr. Devi's entire focus, my memory is..." Yuliana looks a shade distant, as she glances over to the flickering fireplace. "Sometimes I remember things that aren't so," she admits, "or I forget things that happened. I need -- I need my Elisa's help quite often, orienting myself. Particularly when something's upsetting... my memory does fail me, then." And she tells Leina this as if it were a result of the REA's crimes, because it's a reasonable place for the blame to fall.
"Well, I can imagine it would be even more difficult, under that wretched man... good luck, Leyasha."
With a smaller smile, she looks back, to the camera. "Ah, of course. They do so love for us to be dependent, don't they? Well, I won't say it wasn't a trial, adjusting my medications, but... I would say I take less of them, now." Less, not none; Yuliana will never escape a medicated existence entirely, as a Cyber-Newtype of the '80s. Still, it's better, now. "I appreciate your efforts, working with that man." She doesn't have any particular recognition over that name, but -- well, the pharmacists don't often deal with patients personally, in an inpatient setting.
"It must be difficult," Yuliana agrees, when Leina says she's trying to let others care for her instead. "But it's necessary, right now. None of us wish to see you wounded irrevocably, Leyasha, so I hope you'll accept their consideration."
Yuliana pauses, when Leina talks about swimming, too. Long enough for Leina to speak again -- and she'll say she was waiting for her. "I wonder if you'd enjoy constructing things with your hands, as well," she supposes, tilting her head. "They make kits, you know, to make wanzers and Gundams and the like -- or other things, if you'd rather avoid the war machines. The pre-fabricated kits are something like 3D puzzles, you see, so there's much to occupy yourself with without having to dwell on yourself." Of course, Leina isn't Yuliana, but... Yuliana offering Leina the same craft which helped her is hardly a bad thing, is it?
Perhaps she wants to stick to what works.
Or to what's familiar, as she comes back to the thought of the pool. (No, THAT pool.) "Leyasha, I..." Yuliana starts, delicately, shifting on the couch; she drapes an elbow over the back, leaning on it, a frown on her face. "I should just like you to know," she settles on, a moment later, "that I do... understand that experience, by the way. The, ah -- the deprivation. Not as a metaphor, you understand, it was... unfortunately, isolation tanks are a common avenue of experimentation." She pauses, again, for another breath. "If you wish to speak on it..."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Leina beams, and makes a mental note to send Yuli some cat pictures over the phone, before, "Oh! No you didn't at all." Leina perhaps still doesn't really understand where Yuliana is living, despite the sun shining.
"My rhythm is a bit more regular now. Just... troublesome getting as much sleep as I know I should. Nightmares or-" A shake of her head, "-I'm like the... the dogs in those early conditioning experiments. With the bells?" She explains, it's not quite the same but its close enough, "At three hours, on the dot- I hear the alarms, even if there aren't any, and I wake up. The- the adrenaline rush makes it hard to get back to sleep."
She quiets as she listens to her speak of her own experiences with memory, frowning, then nods quickly, "That's awful... I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was so bad." She offers, sincerely, before stating, "I'm glad she's there to help you reorient. Me I-?" There's an abstracted look in her eyes, as a hand plays with a lock of curly hair, disturbed, "I'm told memories can't really be... restored, once gone. The remnant in the Banshee's Psycoframe, it- it responded to me? Showed me some things they, cut out, but they're not... my memories. The emotional context is gone." More and more she sounds haunted, "I'm just an... observer, as they do things to me. As they make me put a gun to my head... as they-"
Her breath catches, and she looks overwhelmed, but before it becomes an all out panic attack, she takes a deep breath, quickly gropes for a tissue, reminds herself she's safe. She's home. She's with Foras, she can feel his fur. She can smell him. She can hear his small confused 'merp?' as the vibe about her shifts.
"I- I still don't even know how they caught me. I don't know how I was... careless or- what-!" She sniffs into the tissue, upset, "I just know- I have memories of going into- into Vist-Carbine's office, and making a deal. But it showed me just- me on a stretcher, and facing down-"
She forces herself to take another breath, this isn't a happy subject, indeed like Yuliana she needs someone in her life usually to anchor herself to reality, to reorient her to the truth. Right now it's mostly Foras.
Just his existence in her space, to her senses allows her to understand that the nightmare is... if not over, then progressing in that direction where it will become easier to deal with.
"They do." She sniffs, oddly the change in subject helps, "And, I'm glad. I saw the list before. They were being so cruel to you! It was awful - listening to him describe their- their methodology-!" All the same, she seems to finally calm when Yuliana tells her it's necessary. Somehow being told definitive things, helps. Facts. It being necessary. That the people in her life don't want to see her hurt. "I-I do- I will. It's... necessary."
There is a blink of her eyes, which now at least seem clear of tears as she mentions working with her hands, "I used to do... arts and crafts as a kid. I- we didn't have much money." And thus, making gifts became more sensible than buying them. "Kits? Oh-!" As recognition lights up on her eyes, "I- maybe Banagher would enjoy doing that with me."
Even now she can't quite think of it just for herself, can she?
"Thank you. That's- a good idea."
The subject moves to the isolation tanks, and Leina falls quiet for many long moments, as if remembering and also, not... more remembering the feelings in that place. "I... saw them, at the Institute. One survivor- he-" She shakes her head, thinking about how, little of him was left by the time they got them out, "I'm sorry- you shouldn't have had to go through that."
She bites the edge of her lip.
"He- he told me it had a purpose. That, the nightmares, they'd wear people down, make them give up. That she- she'd like it too." Leina absently asides, "She always did love her baths."
Taking a deep breath, she recenters herself on Foras, patting him on the ears in that moment, "It was cold. It was always cold. You don't notice it at first, because - the water is room temperature, but it takes it's- it's toll. Then I- stopped noticing that, because she was-" She corrects after a moment, "-I thought she was there. And I just let her- let her take over."
An uncomfortable shift in her seat, Foras looks at her.
"They'd wake me up every so often, and I was always shivering. And there was- no light- my own body just was so loud, so loud- my heart was always too damn loud- until she- what I thought was her, came back again. I think if- if not for letting her take over for most of it. I'd have- I'd have gone mad."
She then looks straight at Yuliana, eyes haunted.
"Maybe I did a little- anyway. But I still- always went in. Always.”
A beat, and then it becomes a faint whisper, “Every time.”
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Of course, I understand," Yuliana says, when Leina speaks of her sleep deprivation. She does not say, in her understanding, that she understands inflicting it just as well as experiencing it; they called them interrogation techniques, in the military, but they all knew it was just torture. Rather, "I'm... very familiar," which is a much more reasonable thing to say.
Yuliana is glad that Elisa is here for her, as well, and it shows in the redoubled warmth of her smile, even if she doesn't interrupt the raw spill of memories from Leina's mouth. The emotional context, is it...?
"It's all right," she says, soothing as she can manage, when Leina's voice hitches over the memories. "You don't have to say. It was a terrible crime they did, Leyasha."
She sighs, tilting her head, and she can generously offer her experience here just the same. "No," she says, voice even and measured, "I doubt you were careless. I've performed enough kidnappings in my time, you see, to guess that they were likely profiling you for some time before you even realised there was any danger. No doubt they knew your habits and your foibles. Perhaps they kidnapped you off the very street, or perhaps they lured you in with a false cry for help... perhaps they engineered a situation which you felt that you were solving, some danger posed to your Nasya, or something so compelling. Perhaps they set up a fake appointment for you to meet, or else subverted a true appointment you'd previously vetted. There are a dozen ways and more to make someone disappear, but I can promise you that a beast such as the Vist Foundation would not have hinged their plot on something as unreliable as their victims' carelessness." Yuliana pauses, and emphasises: "That, you see, is the domain of amateurs and passion crime."
She'll give Martha more credit than that.
Yuliana pauses, though, when the topic drifts. Her brow knits. "It was unforgivable," she says, and she has not released her anger towards the REA, even now. "But it is done, and you assisted me, then. I am grateful." And does Leina hear the way it's always Yuliana who is appreciative, Yuliana who is grateful? She struggles with a simple 'thank you' to this day. Maybe she's trying.
Leina might not be able to think of it as for herself, but Yuliana will encourage her, anyway. "Yes, I think he surely would," she smiles. "Or else perhaps your brother? It is something of a boy's hobby, as I understand, but we mustn't let that stop us." They are both women. There's nothing strange about that point of commonality.
"Yes," she says, and she is a shade distant, too. "Always, the torture has purpose." And what lies on that distant shore is disgust.
She looks to the camera, at least, as Leina recounts it. Her lips thin, pressed together. "You did go mad," she confirms, at length. "Objectively. There's science, you know. Abject isolation is deleterious to the human psyche. And it's mad, isn't it?" Her own voice thins, winnowed, as her hand clasps at her chest. "They tell you to do it, and you do it. Even after the air thins, and you don't know that you'll get out. Screaming for anything... but no one came."
Her fingers press against her wedding ring, and her eyes close, for a moment. She needs to centre herself, too. There's only one person she'd orient herself to.
"You do what you can to survive, in that infinite black. If you thought she was with you, and if it was her problem... it's how you got through it, Leyasha. There's no shame in that." Yuliana squeezes her own hand. "I had my own..." help, she trails off, and does not say. She should not speak of sacred things. "... well, if I had no protection of my own, I would not have the wit to speak now," she settles on, instead. "You understand."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Fortunately, to 'I'm... very familiar.' Leina only gives a nod, everyone says that will fade with time, that the hypnotherapy will slowly get that out of her psyche by supplanting it. There's no need for her to keep harping on it, to bring back bad memories for Yuliana.
Upset, overwhelmed, Yuliana tries to soothe her out of talking about her own struggles with her loss of memories, and despite being momentarily emotional, wiping at her eyes, she nods again, very quickly, grateful.
Instead Yuliana slowly reassures her, that it wasn't carelessness. That she didn't err per se, that it was simply that there was no option in which they failed. All the scenarios, all the possibilities which lead to the inevitable conclusion, there was no real defense against this. It was no fault of her own.
"Mom always- always wanted me to have a bodyguard." She sniffs, "I was- was so stubborn, I wanted to live a normal life, not to have- have someone hover over me. I wouldn't hear of it. Or maybe I just didn't want- want anyone to get hurt protecting me."
She looks down at Foras, "I forced myself to- to learn to use a gun instead. Even though I- I hated them." Yuliana's seen the scar, she can guess why. Then she sniffs, "And it didn't- didn't help. Of course it didn't. I wasn't expecting to- make enemies of- of-!" She shakes her head, preventing herself from ending that sentence before deflating, tired, sad, "I guess in the end, the bodyguard would have only, only- alerted them that something was wrong, sooner-"
And only if Murasame hadn't gotten to them, hadn't altered their mind as well.
Without a word, she shifts Foras weight so that he's now laying upon her chest, even as she leans back. Her attention focused solely on just, giving him pets as she looks him in the eye. It's not that engaging with Yuliana is unpleasant, of course not. She just needs to distract herself with the simple act of giving affection to something - someone - anyone.
It's like breathing to her.
She looks up again when Yuliana says she's appreciative, she's grateful. It's hard to say what Leina thinks of that in the moment, she's not in the best state to judge. Perhaps she at least hopes that Yuliana is trying.
"Judau would probably like it, sure." Leina says after a moment, "You know he was in the junk salvage business? Even when I was a kid. But he likes- projects that are hands on." She then smiles at the implication, "Oh I wouldn't let that stop me at all. I kinda got turned way off of a lot of things that a 'proper' young woman are supposed to enjoy." A small wink, "So of course I'd need to look to things I'm not 'supposed' to like."
It is a brief moment perhaps, that shows that she is not too broken by her experiences, before they discuss the fact that... indeed she is, in fact she must be.
"I... admit I tried to avoid reading about it. I was scared." She closes her eyes slowly, then, "I don't- remember if I screamed, I woke up in a medbay sometimes." She looks sideways, and says quietly, "One time they said I had seizures."
Foras in this moment sure is getting a lot of attention isn't he? He doesn't seem to mind laying on her chest and stomach in that position, but he does perhaps sense the shift in mood slightly enough that he bats at her to demand attention every time it's not enough.
"Yes. I-" A pause, and she looks up at Yuliana. For a long moment, there is silence. Like she's weighing something. Then there's a slow nod, "I understand." And perhaps she does, "I can't know what it's... what it's like for you for- that long."
Then she murmurs, as she puts her face down against Foras, kissing his forehead, "Only a little." She murmurs, then echoes, "Only a little. It's- I'm glad you weren't alone."
She gets it.
Better to be in the thrall of something horrible, hurtful...
... than alone.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
If Leina had a bodyguard, Yuliana supposes, she wouldn't be here talking with her today.
She doesn't say that, though. Instead: "Your independence is important to you," Yuliana echoes. "That's only natural. And yes, you did all you could... but you couldn't have calculated for the enemy you made, Leyasha. I'm -- saying it isn't your fault, you understand." And if it's a little irritating to have to spell it out, well -- she's a gracious woman. She'll bear that injury for the sake of reassuring her dear friend.
(Yuliana is an animal lover, for all her faults, so Leina paying attention to her cat is a fine enough trait.)
"Was he?" She asks, conversational, of Judau, as if he matters. (He doesn't, to Yuliana, beyond his fearsome reputation and role in Haman's downfall; he is accessory to Leina, in her eyes.) "I do find them the best projects, all in all. And yes, I can imagine why," she offers a little shrug, "but there's a difference between going as a man goes and doing as a man does. No?"
It wasn't for the same reason that Yuliana rejected femininity -- not for trauma but to seek her own love, all hidden behind implications in a country which prized large families so highly -- but she does understand something of the complexities of gender presentation. Not for nothing is she more feminine these days, now she's happily married and no longer looking... though she still doesn't reach the sheer femme heights of her wife.
In both the literal and figurative respects.
Yuliana nods, though, as Leina says she was scared. (She would be. Yuliana would never forgive her if Leina were more brave than she was, in the face of that oblivion.) "Those do happen," she says, sotto voce, when Leina speaks of her fits. To Yuliana, as well.
"Little enough, then," Yuliana agrees, her own tone growing distant, again. "Though, I..." A beat of silence. "You see, the tanks were designed to accelerate the process," she says, a little too calm. "For people like you, the hope was to force them to rely on those violations, stripped of options and pushed to the brink. And I suppose they were trying to train less sensitive individuals, ah... my Elisa mentioned their crimes in preparing a young man to plunder paradise, one day. Amit, I suppose -- Amit Zaman -- he was a nice boy, really. Full conversion. I suppose it's since we got along that he... ah, never mind that," Yuliana shakes her head, nostrils flaring as she takes a breath.
"No, I'm... trying to say I was often alone. For a long, long time... until I came to a darkness so dark, that I... I thought I was mad. I did not realise, so many years ago, that the truth was so much easier to hear without the distractions of this world." Without thinking Yuliana pulls her legs up onto the couch, though the black of her robes makes it a little hard to tell, through the camera. A little more obvious is the skin which flashes as her arms curl around them, sleeves caught and pulled back. "But I was alone with myself, Leyasha. I was -- I understand why, anyone would want not to be. Screaming, biting my lip, twisting about... just for any feedback at all. Any sensation at all. It's -- it's no wonder..."
She pauses, and looks up, to the chandelier above. "Did they ever play commands for you, in there, too? Sometimes -- I'd be screaming, and -- all a sudden the wall would light up, and there'd be some images, or I'd hear... I'd not thought of it, of course. Not until my Elisa dug into it. I thought I was mad then, too, I suppose, and just dismissed it as some tiresome madness or another. But... I wonder," and it's fragile enough that she may just honestly wonder, "if he ever did it to you..."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
Yuliana is gracious, isn't she? "Ah. Yes. I understand. Sorry- I-" She shakes her head, then rubs her face, "-Sorry, It's hard to tell myself it's not my fault. As many times as I hear it- it doesn't- doesn't sink in like it should."
Her attention returns to Foras, who for all of his goofy doofy faults would never ever judge Leina. Save for whether he's becoming skin of bones for lack of feeding.
A nod, of Judau, as her hand continues to tease Foras' side, the cat seeming to drink in this attention as if he were a perpetual purr engine, "Huh." A small tilt of her head, "Yeah, I see your point, certainly. I know that mobile suit maintenance and development was your passion, I imagine that wasn't easy for you-"
Her eyes tilt down towards Foras, "Even in this day and age it's considered a man's job... to do that kind of work." Certainly women take maintenance jobs, it's more popular than actual soldiering in the Federation for them, it's just the hard labor aspect becomes associated with men when promotion time comes up, or with wage increases, or beginning salary, perceived credentials and competency... "Well, I'll give it a try. It'd be nice to just- have something to occupy myself with."
'Those do happen.' Leina just inhales when it comes to her fits, for a time trying to remember how she felt afterwards. She listens to Yuliana, the word 'violations' is one she tries to allow go in one ear and out the other, as she speaks of the tanks, the process. The purpose of isolation.
When she mentions Amit Zaman, Leina looks away, "He's... we got him out. Progress is... it's slow. They..." She shakes her head, and for a moment, Leina only trembles to think of the results if she'd been forced to undergo the same. Her eyes then slowly look upon Yuliana as she speaks of how she was alone, until the darkness brought her a place so deep and dark...
"You're here now." Leina tells her quietly, seeing her reaction, "With me. And Elisa is nearby too. And-" She holds up Foras, turning him around to look at the camera, his body lengthening from his weight as he cocks his head at Yuliana, "-this fluffy boi too." She tells her, and it's hard to say if she's trying to ground Yuliana, herself, or both of them at once.
Her questions though, "I... they'd wake me up. And sometimes I'd think I'd hear things, see things. But I wondered if I was- if I was hallucinating." Leina bites down on her lip. "I don't know if they were doing it to me on purpose- or if I was just-" A shake of her head, "-it was- it was easier to sink into that embrace, let it take over. But they'd- they'd bring me out! Just to- hurt me, to break me? They'd say it was- part of my regimen."
Leina repeats the words, "Self-denial makes a more efficient pilot. Submission is strength." She shakes her head, as if to offer the obvious conclusion, that they were trying to erode her sense of self, to make it easier for that thing to take over.
"God-" She rubs her face again, trying to not breakdown on the spot, "-I wasn't aware I was Puru-1 most of the time I was walking around, is that how I held it together?" And what does holding it together even mean, when someone is trying to wear down your sense of self?
Does your lack of ability to recall even matter? The cracks would show anyway.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana is so gracious. "It's all right," she finds it in her heart to forgive her.
"Not always," she agrees, in turn, when Leina remembers her passion for machinery. "But I was taught by a woman, and it rather set me straight. Voyevoda, she was... taken by the war, now." A light sigh, but she doesn't linger. "... it is important to keep busy."
Quietly accepting her reality, of course, is acceptable.
And Amit... "It would be," she says, quietly. "At least he's out, now." And, she is --
"Of course," Yuliana smiles, fingers pressing to her ring again. "My Elisa's never far. And how wonderful to be in the presence of such a fluffy young gentleman!" He's a fluffy boi, Yuliana, god.
Fingertips to those rose gold bands, feeling the rich gemstones pressing at her, she listens to Leina's account. "I'm sure it was on purpose," she offers, quietly. "One way or another." Her lips pull down, in displeasure or disgust, and perhaps it's because they're speaking of the scientists here. Submission is strength...
No, no, no. She's realised what she could do, here. And she knows the benefit she would reap from doing it now. Even so.
(And do not think of the logic to which she's submitted, in the thought.)
Leina's questions, first. She is so wanting. Yuliana gentles her expression, and says: "I'm sure it was. I was... aware of what I would go back to when the week ended, but... bereft of me was any urge to kick and scream, to speak on it, to let anyone see my suffering. So... I can sympathise with hiding it, in one's day to day. How do you go back, knowing what waits you?" Yuliana shakes her head, and says: "One way or another, they lead you to it."
And then, though it wounds her: "You should... tell them, Leyasha. What you saw in the pool." As if someone else could help her, where Yuliana can't! As if she's insufficient! And why isn't she enough?! Why --
Yuliana takes a breath to calm herself, rolling her shoulders back, stretching out her legs a little on the couch. "Excuse me," she says, to Leina, who has surely noticed her malaise, "I am just affected, you see, for their crimes are many and grievous. I'm not upset at you, dear."
She wouldn't understand.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"It sounds like you went far under her tutelage." Leina notes quietly, and instead of offering her condolences, she leaves the condolences in her tone. The soft sympathy of knowing a loss from the war, without dwelling upon that loss.
"I- yes. I need to take that to heart. Especially since I can't- can't... do the things I used to do right now."
It's frustrating for her, visibly, she wants so badly to even just, go back to normal, but the way her head is...
... she's scared even of how she cares and shows care for other people in this state.
There is a smile and a soft giggle as Yuliana calls Foras a fluffy young gentleman. Leina does not correct it of course, it makes Foras sound more dapper. Leina of course knows he's a complete hopeless dork, as all cats are.
There's this, dull-eyed nod as Yuliana tells her it was on purpose. Long silence, an uncomfortable shift. The alternative is of course, that she was going a little mad.
That too, would be on purpose though, wouldn't it?
In this moment, one hand subtly creeps to her opposite arm, the other hand stays against Foras. If Yuliana looks she might notice the soft rub, the moment when her short nails dig in a touch more deeply than usual. It's probably not enough to break the skin.
Her nails are so short.
Is it harming when it's meant to center one's self? "That's- how did you cope? How?" She asks, softly, but perhaps urgently. Even if it might not help her now, for some reason she needs to know.
There is a long moment, as Yuliana urges her, to tell them, what she saw in the pool. The grip on her arm subtly increases in that moment, and the petting of Foras stops.
Leina's eyes grow distant, then there's a flinch, and-
"Can I tell you about it?" As she refocuses in on her, and it's like she's asking permission, "Can I... tell you?"
She asks again, quietly, not even seemingly worried about the idea of whether Yuliana is upset with her.
"Sometimes... she came. Rita." Leina notes, "While I was in there."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"I did." And Yuliana does have affection for the old battleaxe, clear enough in her words, but she doesn't dwell on it. If not for Voyevoda's mentorship, where would she be, now? Of course, that's why she knows it's so important to look out for the young.
And she assures her, when Leina expresses her frustrations over not being able to do what she was always able to do: "This isn't forever."
All cats, Leina, are dapper gentlemen and proper little ladies. That's why she likes cats so much! They're regal! Elegant!
(Elsewhere in the Castle, Sokrova flops onto the side of a large cardboard box, splitting it open. He makes a 'chrruff??' sound as he looks up and tries to figure out where his box went, only to fold himself up on the collapsed box so that he's still sitting inside it.)
Yuliana's nails are short for many reasons, but amongst them, yes, is her tendency to dig her fingers into her skin. It's for this reason that she does notice the way Leina's nails dig in; it's for this reason she doesn't tell her to stop.
She's not even being malicious.
"I... I don't know," Yuliana says, honestly, when Leina asks how she coped. "I hurt people, and I hurt myself, just to -- make it real for a moment. And I guess it's true I was in an awful lot of denial... when things got too bad, I even resorted to thought-stopping. It was -- I wasn't well, back then, you see. And even now, my Elisa's bothered when she catches me ramming my head into the windows... I'm sure Nasya gives you the same grief."
She thinks she's relating to her.
But Leina all but pleads her to ask her about it, and Yuliana's eyes blink shut, for a moment. Her own fingers tighten, about the back of her hand. But she takes another breath, and looks back to the camera, and says: "You can. Of course you can, Leyasha," she repeats, and she is soothing, in her way. "You can tell me anything."
(She could yell at her about how she can't help her, and why is she taunting her with all she cannot do, when she's trying to help her?! But, Yuliana reminds herself, Leina's wounded. She's bleeding. Yuliana felt miserable, when she lashed out and stormed from that meeting. She should humour her more thoughtfully, she thinks. Surely she's not the sort of person who keeps repeating the same ineffectual... oh, don't call them mistakes.)
"Did she?" She asks, of Rita, all open-ended.
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
A nod again, affirmation, it's not forever. Relief. Relief. So much relief at it not being forever. Yet at the same time thoughts creep in, she never really finished dealing with the last blow to her life, before the next came?
When does she catch up? When does she stop treading water and start swimming again?
Buer meanwhile, unbeknowst to Leina, but perhaps noted by Yuliana, reaches out a paw. It hovers, twitching until it taps a swim medal on the wall.
Her head goes to and fro, watching it. Elegant lady that she is.
Foras meanwhile is put back down on her lap, as he paces about, pivoting back to turn and look at her with a 'what was that all about?'
Leina's about to respond to her thoughts, when she mentions how Banagher would- give her grief about that, "He- he- wouldn't like it, no." She's not intentionally trying to put distance between them.
She's just never gotten so bad as to self harm to that degree. That she's aware of.
"He- hates the way I talk about myself, in this... in this state." She tells her quietly, as if shifting it away from extreme self-harm to instead, her feelings. "He knew about it already, before- before I was like this, but it was, smaller then. And they made it, so large. Untenable."
Yuliana's voice is so soothing, and Leina feels calmer after a moment, "Thank you for- for being so kind. I have trouble talking about these things with- with others."
Having no idea whatsoever how she's taunting her. Having no idea how Yuliana is humoring her. There is a, short nod, "Yeah. She- she offered to come, to give me a reprieve, and I kept- trying to push her away."
So then, like Yuliana - Rita knew?
"She actually... taught me how to- to do what she did... to herself... but I told her no. I- I always hated that she did that to herself."
Her hand curls tighter about her arm, "I hated it. That she cut- her life short. She tried to convince me that it would- that I was brainwashed and- if I did it, my suffering would end but-"
There's a sharp laugh, and a shake of her head, "I guess- at least, I wasn't a hypocrite, in that way." As if she found some humor in that fact, "I don't know. I kept pushing her away, telling her this was- training- it was necessary, and she kept... coming anyway."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Bat, bat... yep, that's a good cat. Those are both excellent cats. 1010 cat game.
Banagher wouldn't like it, though, implying that Leina doesn't get that bad. Yuliana, of course, hears it a slightly different way: she doesn't get that bad yet. "He cares for you," she says, instead. And it would be nice to say more on Banagher's devotion, at this junction, but surely she's listening.
Anyway, Yuliana smiles, when Leina thanks her. "You are welcome, of course. It is hard, isn't it...? Particularly, these things... many can't imagine them." It's not even an incorrect thing, the way it can feel so alienating to have gone through so much it's difficult to comprehend.
People who comprehend that pain are valuable, aren't they?
Yuliana hooks her arms around her legs, again, as she listens to what Rita has done. She frowns. "I am glad that you didn't take her up on it, Leyasha," she says, finally. "That wretched advice --" -- but she cuts herself off, and shakes her head, and pulls away from the open flame of the wound she's carved in Elisa already.
"No. It is best you did not. Else that machine would surely push you, too, to transgress and insult." Yuliana's a little sulky, even, hugging her knees to her chest. "Though... I suppose that explains why she said she let bad things happen. I..."
Yuliana sighs, looking up at the chandelier again. "Perhaps it would have been better, if I had been able to do something of the sort, to... keep trying. But... Elisa said..." Yuliana starts, and stops, trailing to nothing. Of course she consulted Elisa. When has she not?
"Well... I was frustrated, of course. I couldn't help the pilot of the Banshee, and it bothered me... you know, that's when I decided to try and reach out to the world, Leyasha. I started the Silent Calling so that I could at least help someone, the way everyone helped me. I like to think it's made some small difference, but... well, you understand that I'm more personally relieved you're safe and recovering, now." A light sigh, "I wonder if that makes me selfish..."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"He- he does." Leina says gently before confiding, "He's smitten with me. I'm sure he thinks, I'm the girl he's going to marry one day. But- I won't hear of it, yet. It's too soon for him."
Indeed, he's still a teenager, "There needs to be- time. Yes. Time. For us to grow as people, and discover if we're right for each other."
It's not meant to be insulting to Yuliana and Elisa. After all the two of them are so young. And Banagher younger still. Surely she thinks she has to be the responsible one, always keeping that in mind.
"It is. And it feels like- feels like if they don't know what it's like. You'll only hurt them?"
Like she'll crush the part of them that is ignorant of the horrors of this world, or at least ignorant of first hand experiences with them. "Me too. It- I can't imagine- I'm glad it didn't get so bad that I-" She shakes her head, "I- I threatened it. Once, when I was- when I was at my lowest but- but I don't think- I hope I couldn't have done it."
She takes one deep, shuddering breath, "I hope." She tries to shift away from that thought, suicidal ideations were just her constant companion during that time frame in her life, at least now she knows she's not supposed to feel this way.
"I think-" There is a pause, and- "In some ways, she's still so much like a child in the way she sees the world." She tells Yuliana, "To you and me, it's obvious what she did. To her, she doesn't - doesn't see it in the same way, because she chose this- for herself, as a child."
Her eyes give Yuliana a forlorn look, "What child should ever be making such a decision? It's- wrong-headed."
To transgress, and insult. The wording is uncomfortable, and indeed she shifts. "Yes. I did ask her at one point if she would help me. Help me... end this more quickly. And she showed me- how that would end."
She mumbles quietly, "It was awful." Her eyes then turn upon Yuliana, "To... keep trying?" She prompts, as if not understanding what she means.
She looks momentarily startled, "Oh- that's right. I attended while I was- while I was..."
It's somehow surprising to her, to realize that she was Puru-1, while attending a meeting of the Silent Calling. "I was really frustrating, wasn't I?"
A shake of her head, and a thin smile, "I'm glad- you were able to help others. And in the end, you helped me too, right?"
As she acknowledges yet again, "Well. I don't think it's- it's selfish, to have that personal investment, in someone else. In..."
She stops, and thinks about it, "... in me? I really wanted- wanted to help you too back then. I admit, even though I was there to shut the Institute down, to help everyone there- you're really the biggest reason why I did it."
Before she notes quietly, "For you. To help you have a life away from... that horrible place."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Yes," Yuliana agrees, and Leina escapes causing her offence, because: "You both are too young, really. Oh, not that it isn't fashionable to marry in university, but... it is better to do these things with a little more experience." She's given similar advice to Banagher, just the same.
She sighs, and adds: "Or they'll hurt you." Which says so much about her mindset, really.
"I've... acted recklessly many times," Yuliana says, a touch haltingly, on the topic of endings, "but I really -- don't want to die." It's a surprisingly core tenet of her existence, that she doesn't wish it to end. She didn't entirely mean to give it. "I don't suppose you wish to, either, Leyasha."
Rita, then.
"She is childish," Yuliana scowls, all sullen. "Even if she wanted to help, such a clumsy effort...!" She tucks herself in a little more tightly, all hooked about her legs. Is she talking about Leina's experiences? Surely she is.
"To reach you," she supplies, when Leina asks her to explain 'trying'. A light pause, as she listens, and she shakes her head. "You did not understand my efforts," she says, "but you were rather afflicted, at the time. All is forgiven."
Her own smile grows warmer, at least, when Leina says she helped her in the end, that she isn't selfish. (Not that it would be bad for Yuliana to be selfish, of course, but it's nice that Leina will say she isn't.) Her head tilts, as her knees slip down to rest against the armrest, instead.
"I'm glad to hear that," Yuliana smiles. "Really. I would never have expected... so many people to help me. But you, particularly... I know we've had our misunderstandings, so I suppose I'd not have been surprised if you'd failed to bother. Ah, not to say that's a reflection on your values, of course," she allows, shaking her head, "but that... I expected the world to forsake me."
(She prayed for help, but no one came.)
"I do quite like you," she insists. "It -- wasn't always easy for me to accept it, the things I was taught made it quite difficult, but -- you shared some common experience with me, when I could not relate to anyone. I decided... well, I do care, you know." Of course she's the one who decided that Leina was worthy; Elisa remembers, and Elisa has a much better memory than Yuliana does. She evades saying it so plainly only because it would make her look bad.
It doesn't feel weird that she'd decide something like that in the state she was in back then.
"I know I am not always... I don't always express it in the ways you'd prefer," Yuliana settles on, delicately. "But I hope you'll believe that much." Of course she cares about Leina; Leina does so much, for her. She's a kind girl...
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"Ah. Yes! Absolutely." She tells her in agreement, "It's better for us to see each other at our best, and worst- and know for a fact that we don't just love each other, that it's not just... passion, but that we like each other."
Leina tells Yuliana before dwelling on the idea of them hurting her back, before, nodding in turn, "Yes. Just because, they don't get it." It's not really at the forefront of her mind, but she can at least validate the idea.
It's a surprisingly vulnerable thing to hear from Yuliana, especially for someone who was a Wanzer pilot, in such a dangerous life, "I don't. Not any time soon." She tells her gently, "I want..."
She closes her eyes, trying to search her feelings on this, to be certain it's correct, "... I want to know my grandchildren, maybe my great grandchildren even. To live life to the fullest with the people I love."
Her eyes slowly lid, but she's smiling, "Then- then maybe I can say that death wouldn't be so bad for me, at that point."
The subject turns to Rita quickly enough, as if linked, and indeed it is! "She can be very clumsy. I guess it's hard, relating to people when you've lived as she has. Most people saw her as- a Goddess. She encouraged it even... but I saw right through her, from the start. I guess- that's how we became close."
There's a prolonged pause, as she looks at Yuliana's body language, wondering if this is about her or what, but in the end she decides not to judge it. "Ah. Yes. Thank you for understanding." She murmurs as Yuliana tells her she's forgiven.
Should there be anything to forgive? Leina's mind isn't in the best place to judge such a thing. Fortunately, as Yuliana smiles, there's a sort of relief that untwists from her system.
"We did- just... just I guess-" It is halting the way she starts, but then she smiles back, "-I guess I invested myself in your- welfare, your happiness, your future."
It would be easy to say she did this for any person in Yuliana's position right? And yet, in the end, it was for her primarily. The other people in the Institute? Certainly, but they were not the primary factor.
It would be unhealthy of her to claim she gives equal attention to everyone in such a position, impossible. No. She did it for her, and she's not ashamed to admit that.
"It was- I felt you'd understand." Leina tells her quietly, "Not many do." She's still awkward in this state, but she's definitely trying to respond to her feelings, to offer this care, "I like you too."
Does she not tell people in private that Yuliana is an asshole? She does, but- perhaps it can be said that she can become attached to assholes.
Her experiences in Neo-Zeon taught her that.
"I do. I do believe that much." And then, she offers the simple expression by telling her back, "I care about you too, Yuliana. I'm... glad that you're a part of my life."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"It is best for you to give it time," Yuliana agrees, for they are young, and do not share the type of deep and revolutionary love she shares with her wife. How could they? "You'll get there."
And it's so nice that Leina will validate Yuliana, isn't it?
She smiles, though. "Ah, yes, you'd like children, as well. How lovely... perhaps ours will know each other." A light pause, "... we've not yet found success, but my Elisa's dedication is peerless, so I'm certain we'll have a family of our own soon." A happy little void family...
Rita is not part of the happy little void family, evidently. "Tcha... a Goddess? Don't make me laugh! She's a woman, same as you or I, though she's currently corporally impaired." And it's not quite why they're close, but it may well certainly help, the way Yuliana never brought into Rita's hype.
Yuliana does look happy, to hear that Leina is invested. She smiles, relieved and validated. It's not entirely suspicious, though certainly it also is; the fact of the matter is that people investing in Yuliana kept her from being taken downstairs to be disposed of, long ago.
She is deeply motivated to matter.
Yuliana would, of course, be so upset if she heard what Leina was saying behind her back -- but Yuliana is not the sort of violator who can pluck the thought from Leina's mind. She is safe from any unkind assumptions or rumours.
"And I am pleased for you to have a place in mine," Yuliana says, in that strange way Yuliana says things. "If ever you are in need, do call on me, won't you? I should like to support you in your tribulations, Leyasha."
She pauses, though, and considers an earlier point of conversation. "You know, I... understand how troublesome nightmares can be. Why, if not for my Elisa, I don't know how I'd get any sleep at all," which raises questions of how she handled the nightmares before Elisa entered her life.
(Yuliana got different types of nightmares, before Elisa entered her life. No -- to be exact -- before those green fold crystals entered her life.)
"But even if it's only for three hours," she goes on, caring in tone and expression, "you must try to rest. They kept waking you to erode your psyche, you know -- to make you more pliant. The best resistance you can offer those memories is to continue trying, I think." Yuliana pauses, and assures her: "You'll find recovery easier, I promise you that."
<Pose Tracker> Leina Ashta has posed.
"I think so. I don't wanna... act like it's a sure thing yet..."
Leina understands the impulse, when her soul is bonded to his to- well, it's an intense relationship in that regard.
"... Thanks." She smiles at her, before-
"Oh!" Leina actually starts at the idea, "You two are trying! I'm happy for you-!"
It could occur to Leina that trying for children might not mean the same thing for Elisa, but it doesn't in this moment.
"That'd be wonderful, certainly! One day!"
The subject shifts to Rita, "I know I know- it's just, people just, take for granted what is presented before them." A shake of her head, "I honestly couldn't believe so many people- saw her that way."
Both of her hands rub Foras, "But, it's how she wanted them to see her, so I suppose it's understandable."
Even if Leina can't feel Yuliana's happiness, sometimes it's quite clear, "Of course." She tells her when it comes to calling upon her, "I'm- It's a new thing, for me to place myself in the- care of others."
Leina says, vulnerable in the admission, "So I hope you'll forgive me if fall short, sometimes..."
The conversation returns to nightmares, and- "Oh, I-" Leina looks sideways, "-it's... it's embarrassing you know. When I have a nightmare... most of the household knows it."
She offers that, quietly to her, as she shifts in her seat, "But- it helps if they're there, to help... soothe me back to sleep..." She closes her eyes, and then nods, "I will. It's-" And she smiles, "I know it's what I need."
The wear perhaps, shows in her tone on the subject of sleep. It's a hard thing for her to do, in the past she would have forced herself to keep going and going, more and more in their conversation, no matter her limits but...
"Actually, I'm... a little tired. Do you mind if I go take a nap?"
She still leaves the decision to Yuliana, in that sense, but the fact that she's asking at all, considering her needs in this situation... it's- an improvement for her.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana smiles, when Leina expresses happiness for her family. "Wonderful," she agrees. "I'm so glad you agree." Leina, at least, has never hurt her by saying cruel things about her wife.
She shakes her head, on the subject of Rita. "I suppose," she says, still sulky. She doesn't... entirely, want to degenerate her friend... but she can't just forgive how she hurt Elisa, either. Certainly, it's difficult for her to say something nice.
(It just doesn't feel safe, right now.)
"It's all right," Yuliana assures Leina, when she worries about falling short. "You needn't be perfect when first starting out." Leina doesn't have to do that, anyway.
She nods, as she listens to Leina's tribulations with her nightmares, as well. She used to keep such a vice grip on herself that she wouldn't even let slip that she'd woken, but... well, now Elisa's always protecting her, she's able to verbalise her distress more. So she can understand something like that, can't she?
But she smiles, gently, when Leina asks something like that. "It's why I brought it up at all," Yuliana says, all permissive. "So do go ahead, Leyasha. Feel free to call again if you can't sleep, but give it a good effort, would you? I'd be pleased if you were able to get a little more rest, tonight."
A pause, and she adds: "All my best to your Nasya, dear. And do pet those lovely feline friends of yours for me, all right?" And of course, Yuliana will linger to let Leina issue her goodbyes -- before she ends the call, and drapes back on the couch again.
Maybe, she thinks... maybe this will be all right.