2023-06-06: This World Is Waiting For You
- Log: This World Is Waiting For You
- Cast: Naoko Suzuki, Eight York
- Where: Sitting Room, Ra Mari II
- OOC - IC Date: 0097-06-06
- Summary: Naoko admits to Eight that she's been having a rough time of things, and receives some advice to help her move forward. That, and a promise to look into an important personal matter...
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
It has been... a rough few weeks, to put it mildly. Between Metis, Ra-Shalom and Dakar, many are not in the best headspace right now. The girl known by Nova Stellar realizes this all too well, and has thus sought to keep to herself a greater than average amount. Everybody needs help right now. She doesn't feel qualified to give them the help they need. And she certainly doesn't want anybody to go out of their way to help her, of all people. It's a familiar song and dance. To not leave her room much, yet to anyone who might ask, insist there's nothing to worry about. That she's a little tired and not feeling like doing much. But otherwise, totally fine.
She is totally not fine. To start with, being forced to be out of contact with her two Friends for even a short moment nearly tore her apart mentally. On top of that, Yuliana quite nearly killed her, that realization didn't help matters. When Ra-Shalom happened, she reached an all-time mental low for her time on the Ra Mari II, locking herself in her room and hiding under the covers. She pushed herself back into action for Dakar as a self-imposed attempt to make up for being such a general let-down, but then that had a poor ending to it. And now...
Now Naoko looks much the same as she usually does, dressed casually in a hoodie and jean shorts, just like when she first arrived on the ship. What's missing from the picture is her endless supply of candy, and endless supply of boisterous confidence. She's not very tall to begin with, but she looks particularly small right now, walking with a slight hunch, hands in her pockets. Things are at the point where she's even forgotten to take pains not to appear as bummed out as she feels.
There's a slight gasp when, purely coincidentally, she happens upon Eight in the corridor, forced face to face as they were headed in opposite directions. Though it feels like the silence lasts forever, it takes her only a short moment to mull something over in her head, and come to a decision. Taking a deep breath, she nods once, before deciding to speak up to the one she still feels she owes more to than she can repay.
"...Eight," she starts, not once having moved away from addressing the captain by her first name. "I'm terribly sorry to bother you, but... can we talk? There are some... important matters I need to discuss." She tried to make it sound as official as she could, but her feelings of distress in this moment speak volumes. Small wonder that she immediately starts to second-guess herself, "But, um, if this is a bad time..."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Everyone has had trouble, and everyone is in need. Eight York has been busy attending to these matters as well as doing what she can for her crew--but while this has kept her busy, it means she's aware of the difficulty that Naoko's having. At the same time... She doesn't have the space to force her to come and accept help, so it's a relief when she comes to her. For instance, right now:
"It's not a problem," Eight says, and while out of uniform, she prefers 'Eight' usually. She is indeed out of uniform, in a red dress with a white jacket, neither of which do anything to hide how far along she is now--about halfway! But..
"We can talk," she confirms. "I'm happy to. How about over here?" She gestures up the hall, where there's one of many small sitting-rooms, and begins to lead that way. She notices the lack of candy, the lack of confidence, the smallness.
In short order Eight has led Naoko into a room with a couple of couches, gesturing towards a seat and taking one nearby opposite her, so that they can look at each other as they speak.
"So, Nova," Eight says. "What's on your mind?"
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
"...Okay," Naoko confirms, in a tone that moreso suggests that she'd been the one who was asked to talk about things that she's not sure she's ready to discuss. That's just how it goes when she does something that feels out of character even to herself. ...out of both characters, really. Nova Stellar wouldn't need to have this discussion. Naoko Suzuki doesn't want to have it. But she's realized the need for it a long time ago.
The choice of venue visibly surprises her. She was expecting an office. That's where one generally goes for serious talks, right? This must be an attempt to put her at ease. It's appreciated, but... she's very uncertain about whether she could feel at ease anywhere, with this matter hanging over her.
Still, she plops down on the couch casually enough, looking about for a second before refocusing on Eight. She can't stop herself from apologizing a second time. "I'm sorry. I know you must have... a lot on your mind right now." She's trying not to stare at the obvious belly. She has to avoid getting caught in that topic, it could well end up even more awkward than what she really needs to say right now. "I..." She has to just say it. Stop stalling, and say it.
"I'm not... happy right now. About where I am."
She lets out a deep sigh. Whether it looked it or not, that took a tremendous amount of effort to actually vocalize. Strangely, even though it felt impossible a second ago, just getting this much out is like a weight falling off her shoulders. "I should've said something earlier, to somebody, but... yeah. That's... how it is."
Still, not quite so confident to continue until she can gauge Eight's reaction.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
The simple truth is that the sitting-room is closer than the office. The door is still locked, either way; Eight doesn't intend for anyone to come in during a talk like this.
Eight notices the difficulty looking away, but she doesn't draw attention to it either. That's not what Nova came to talk to her about, she's quite sure. There's a lot on her mind, but, "I do. But that's all right. One of the things on my mind is how you're doing." So they can take care of that one.
She's not happy...
"Earlier or later, you've said it now. Do you think you know of a place you'd be happier?" Eight wonders. "Or some changes you'd like to see made? It's fine if you're not sure. We can figure that out together."
"...What I'm saying is, that's fine; feel free to keep going."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
It's not the first time that Naoko looks strangely surprised and flustered by what many would consider to be a simple matter of openness. An obvious attitude of understanding. Letting her speak her own mind, rather than dictating what she should think. This girl clearly isn't used to those kinds of responses, even now.
"I-it's not so much the place, I think," she starts, trying to piece together her fragmented thoughts. "It's, well, it's nice here, and I feel safe." Most of the time, she doesn't say out loud. "You let me do what I want to do, and I appreciate that, I really do. Although it's hard to get used to. This is... very different, from what I'm used to. I just don't think..." Yes, that's the problem here, isn't it. She needs to acknowledge this.
"...I just don't think I'm very different."
This is going to take a bit of explaining. Realizing this, she fiddles with her left braid as she thinks about how to best explain it. It hasn't been that long that she started to figure this stuff out even a little. Having to put it into words isn't easy. Especially when she realizes, "I've never really told you much about myself, have I?" Well... she's not sure if this is the time for that. She should stick to what's relevant right now.
"This is... a pattern for me. I've started to recognize it. It's where I just sort of... retreat into my own little world. Do my own little things. Let everything pass me by." She closes her eyes, reciting the next few words as if they were a mantra.
"It has nothing to do with me. I don't know these people. This shouldn't mean anything to me."
Slowly opening her eyes, she concludes, "Keep distance between yourself and others, and you won't get hurt. That's how I dealt with everything, until..." She gestures vaguely. "All this happened."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight waits, and listens. She's used to fragmented thoughts, and people with them. She smiles, when Nova mentions that it's nice here, but only briefly. It's hard to get used to, it's very different...
Ah. Eight looks thoughtful, when she says she doesn't feel she looks very different. She keeps her hands folded, her attention fully on Nova in the moment, a furrowed brow the sign of that. She is trying to figure it out, as well.
"Not much," Eight admits. Of herself.
"I see." Eight pauses. "...That's hard, isn't it?" Eight says. "Staying distant, with everything happening. You care, even though you didn't want to. That's normal, really. It takes a very hard kind of person to see all this death and devastation and just say 'it has nothing to do with me'. I think... you'll have to find a new way."
"Of course, if you want to detach, to make sure it all stays apart from you, there are ways to do that. But that's not something I'm equipped to do, myself. Instead, I try to focus on... Yes, I care. But what can I actually do? And go from there."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
"...A new way." The words are murmured, Naoko agreeing with them, but also disagreeing. Because that would be... "...Another new way." It feels to her like Eight's suggestion is what she already has been doing, or attempting to. There's more of her feelings to put on the metaphorical table, while she leans back on the not so metaphorical couch.
"...I always wanted to be more. Someone who could make a real difference. Not just help, but really help, actually improve people's lives." She sits up again, becoming more animated. "And it felt like I finally got my chance. Even if... the circumstances weren't great, and I still don't really know how this ended up happening... I have the Sukeban now. And I can use it, much better than I ever imagined!" And therein lies the rub.
"...I have the power to change things now. That's what I can do. So, I have to. That's how I feel." A want, mixed with an obligation. She can't help but wonder, "Is that how it's supposed to be? What it's like for you, for all of you?"
Still, it hasn't been all bad. "Don't get me wrong, things were great for a while! I still can't believe what I managed to do, did you see how I handled those Funnels?!" They were DRAGOONs, but that detail aside... dodging them as well as she did with next to no piloting experience could only be called a miracle, in her estimation. Which to be fair, calling her accomplishments miracles is kind of her thing. Riding the momentary high, she makes a fist, glancing briefly towards the ceiling. "I really felt like I'd found what I was meant to do. I could be... I could be a hero!"
And that's when her mood crashes down again, thinking back to her more recent combat sorties. "...I'm pretty sure those we fight are the bad guys. So why aren't we winning all the time? Why do they keep getting away with things, getting away with hurting people? It's not right. It's not... how it's supposed to go."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Another new way. So she's already going outside her 'zone'. Nova explains, and Eight tries to think it through. The circumstances aren't great, that much is true. Eight leans forward, hands together, and nods.
"Yes, that makes sense. You feel you have to because you can, and you want to for the same reason." She considers. "It's how it is for a lot of us. It varies, depending on the person. For me... I suppose I don't 'have' to, but I want to. I think it's worth doing. Now I'm carrying all these expectations... but it's because I chose it, not because some fate thrust it on me."
"I did," Eight says of the Funnels, but it's still impressive whether they were actually funnels or not. That high is nice, but...
Ah. Eight's expression falls, and then softens, as she comes to understand the problem. "Nova..."
"I'm sorry," she says. "But that's just... life. Being 'right', being moral, being good and kind... those things don't automatically translate into 'winning'. We have to fight for what we believe in, and sometimes that's hard. Sometimes we only get a little bit, and we can't save everyone. But we do it anyway, because the people we can save still matter."
"We can try to stop them... But we won't always succeed. And that's why it's important to talk, too. To get more people on our side. So that we can save as many people as we can."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
The heart of the problem is made bare, in the simple fact that... in Nova's world, the good guys always win. In her isolation, her focus on her own interests and little else, she quite simply didn't notice that for many, reality was often different. She'd said before that war had never affected her before... but that went far more deeply than she may have conveyed at the time.
It has nothing to do with me. I don't know these people. This shouldn't mean anything to me.
...She can't stand on that crutch anymore. She doesn't know how to deal with this. But Eight is the one in front of her now, so it will be Eight who gets to hear all the frustrations at her core. In a raised voice, dripping with desperation as she tries one last time to deny this reality.
"But... but that's just it! I resolved to be a Miracle Worker so I could help stop even that sort of thing, to make the impossible possible! If I can't do that, why does Nova Stellar even exist?!"
'Not like I was even supposed to exist in the first place,' the unbidden thought comes to her again. Try as she might, she can never completely shake it. Trauma so easily gained, and so hard to escape. Thoughts which proceed to take her back to a conversation she had not too long ago...
>"Nova... are you sure you're okay? After, um... being without us for a bit?"<
"That woman, Yuliana. She hated me so much, just because of what I am." A bitter laugh. "Maybe I should ask her, nobody else seems to know exactly what I am. Wanna see if I can dodge enough axes to finally get some answers?"
>"M-mumu! That's not funny, Nova!"<
It really wasn't. It was just deflection. Though not directly answering the question was an answer in itself. Of course she's not sure if she's okay. Exactly what basis does she have to be sure about anything?
>"Okay, okay, that's enough of this pity party. You did good, Nova, you know you did. You know what your problem is? It's that you're never satisfied. You need everything to be perfect. Maybe you had a shot at that when it was just about your own stuff. But this is the world you're talking about. You can't make the whole world perfect. You just can't."<
Even if she didn't share the conversation with her friends out loud, there was a lot going on in Nova's mind just now. To the point where the gist of it was likely conveyed all the same, her deepest feelings subconsciously projected outward for all to sense. Following that emotional roller coaster, she can only echo the words she spoke in reply to Uriel at that time, slumping forward in a defeated posture.
"...It feels like the world's gone mad. But I'm starting to see that... the world's been mad for a long time. I just... haven't been living in it."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
It's a terrible problem. Eight doesn't really enjoy saying what she's saying. The world that Nova lives in... doesn't really exist, to Eight. And she had no idea just how much war hadn't affected her. So Eight hears those frustrations, and that last time--
"Nova..."
She starts to say something, but then she feels that frustration, feels those feelings, and she waits. So she doesn't respond immediately; she can't hear those 'friends', but she gets a flash of insight nonetheless, an understanding beyond words.
"That we can't do everything we want... doesn't mean that what we 'can' do doesn't matter," the Captain says.
"...That's right. The world can be. But a good friend of mine told me... These things aren't normal. If they were 'normal', then the crew--you--wouldn't have so much trouble with it. If it were 'normal' for so many people to die and be hurt, for these bad things to happen, then who would mind them?"
"...So yes, the world is full of terrible things. But you're not the only one who wants to make it better. It's hard, but... This world is waiting for you. And you can make a difference."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
Nova can't really communicate it in words, but it means so much to be able to loudly vent like this - in more ways than one - and be met with calm and understanding. Her Friends - they mean well, but they can't help but give constant advice about how she should handle things. They may not ever fully understand how difficult it is to change who you are. It genuinely felt like she'd given that her best shot, but it's starting to feel like she's been doing it wrong. Does she really need to abandon this course she's set herself on?
She looks up then, tightly holding onto a hope that Eight just gave her. "It's not normal..." Which means that while the world may be mad... it's not supposed to be this way. That she's right for rejecting that, and others reject it too. Then, perhaps she wasn't entirely wrong. She just needs to go about it a little differently. 'This world is waiting for you'... is it? She may be starting to see a path through the unhappy place she's found herself in.
"What I want to do... what I need to do..." Nova pauses for just long enough for it to seem like there will be no immediate continuation to that thought, before blurting out, "I just... need to get out more."
She can't suppress a chuckle. Wow, that really came out in the lamest possible way, didn't it? But it still is the gist of what she's trying to get at. "Well, I, what I mean by that is... I need to go out and see more things, I think. Not just stay on the ship the whole time." She waves her hands as if to cut any possible objections. "Just me, I mean! Just... need to do my own thing at times. You all have important stuff to do, and I'm not really a crew member anyway." At least not officially, by her own choice. Still, she should make it clear this doesn't mean cutting ties. "Though, I still want to help with the important stuff when I can!"
After a moment's thought, she adds, "I'll have to take the Sukeban though. Not that I don't trust you, it's just, I need it, to get around." Another short pause. "So, I pretty much have to stay in touch anyway, it's not like I know anywhere else to refuel." Another pause...
She loudly laughs, suddenly, shaking her head. "Ahhh... this must be what it's like to tell your parents you want to move out, but then still come by regularly to mooch dinner and have them take care of your laundry." Purely a metaphor of course. It's not like she can speak from experience, having less 'moved out' and more 'fled against her will'. The point is, "I'm kinda failing at this 'being less dependent' thing, huh?"
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight tries to give hope where she can. She views it as an important thing she can do. And Nova seems to get it--to get what she said. Maye there's a way out--but ultimately, Eight can't walk it for Nova. She has to see it for herself.
Need to get out more? Eight lifts an eyebrow, but she doesn't look disapproving. She just doesn't think she quite gets it yet. "Hm?"
See more things... "That makes sense," Eight agrees after a moment. Then, "Of course. It's yours. Take it where you want."
She laughs, a little, at that laugh. "Hmmm. Then maybe it's good practice for me for later." A wink. Then, "But still, that's fine. You can take it in steps. Getting out more on your own, that's a good first step. And you're still welcome here, for fuel or just a place to stay. My hope is... that this ship can be a home. Not just a ship."
"We'll want to know if you run into trouble when you're here--just to know what to expect, if anyone new will be looking for you, that kind of thing. But this sounds fine to me. Good, even."
She smiles. "I hope it helps."
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
Naoko fails her perception check on the 'good practice' remark, visibly needing a moment to put that one together. "O-oh, yeah, I guess, haha..." Still quite awkward about anything to do with that topic. She just doesn't get the 'mom' vibes very well, which... has a reason. And speaking of that reason... the mention of the ship being intended as a home, combined with people looking for her, that brings her mind around to the obvious place, making her look appropriately somber.
"There's just... one place I would like to go, but can't." Her actual home. She does have one, after all, even if she rarely seemed very bothered by the unknown status of her parents. This has actually bothered her, quite a bit, despite how calm she is about this whole situation on an emotional level. Of course, there are more reasons for avoiding the subject. But, with this, she feels more ready to get into that. She leans forward a bit, speaking more softly.
"Before I get into this, let me just say... I think this ship makes for a good home, and I've honestly kind of come to see it that way. If I look into this... well, I don't know how things might change. But, even so... I have to know." She scratches her cheek, feeling awkward when she realizes, "Listen to me, talking as if we've already arranged anything. After all, I can't go there, so I would once again be depending on what you can do for me..." Which still feels a lot to ask, even if they've briefly discussed it before. "If you were to do so, though...
Naoko takes a deep breath. This is where her friends would caution her, she's certain, had they not resolved to stay quiet in situations where others might hear them. But she's going to do it. It's her only shot at ever finding out more.
"...Akaigawa, Hokkaido prefecture. That's where I'm from. You probably never heard of it, there's only like a thousand people living there. It's got farms, a resort, and not much else." Well, there was definitely something else. But that's where she lived, so it doesn't count as noteworthy.
Another breath, before she continues. She can't really get out from under having to add at least this much. "...the Suzuki family. That's the house you'd be looking for. Most common last name ever, I know." The non-Japanese might not, but she glosses over that. Just like she glosses over the fact that this must almost certainly mean that Suzuki is her own actual last name. "There's a big house on a hill, much larger than anything else in the neighborhood, that's the one. 'The Suzuki manor', everyone calls it. They like to exaggerate, it's not that big." She, in turn, might be underselling it a bit. Part of it is nerves. Even now, she still can't quite get herself to directly ask for help in finding out what happened to set all this in motion.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight is willing to give Nova a moment. And the obvious place, well, Eight can guess from what she says. There are good reasons to avoid the subject. But Nova gives a caveat and...
"All right." It might change. Eight listens, and--"That's fine," she says, on depending. And here she listens. There might be caution warranted, but Eight is willing to hear Nova out in any case. And so, leaning back into her seat a little, she does.
"Akaigawa, Hokkaido prefecture..."
Eight nods. "All right," Eight says. "I'll have someone look into it." And it's that easy to get Eight to help, after all. Nova only mentions 'if they were to', but Eight goes on and says she will.
"We have reasons to go near that area again sometimes anyway, so it's not like it's very far out of our way, right?" She does try to offer an 'out'--it's 'not much trouble', and all.
<Pose Tracker> Naoko Suzuki has posed.
Nova is - perhaps predictably at this point - perfectly flummoxed by how easily Eight just goes along with the conversation as if it had all been set in stone already. Like it's no big deal. How is it so easy, this doesn't even begin to feel close to the amount of effort this should be costing. It's enough to make her get self-conscious, and start to backpedal a little. "W-well, if you're sure, that would be... ah, but it might be risky. I don't know if anybody'd still be watching the house, maybe waiting for me. It could, well..."
Her objections quickly peter out when she catches what she's doing. Not like she actually wanted to object to this. But she'd sure never forgive herself if people got hurt for her sake, that much was still a valid concern. Yet in the end, she nods firmly. "Yes! Thank you... I guess I owe you even more now." And here she is not even having kept count of the favors she feels like she owes by this point. She'll just have to keep trying her best in whatever capacity she can, she supposes.
Almost as an afterthought, she takes a regular paper notepad and pen out of her pocket, starting to jot something down. "In that case, let me also give you some instructions and the code to get into the secret underground hangar bay..."
Well of course there had to be one of those!
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"...I'll make sure they're careful," Eight assures Naoko. "My people are no strangers to risk, and they know how to mitigate it." She does notice, of course. But she also notices that Nova just goes for it, and talks of owing. She smiles at her. "Then keep doing your best," she says. "I'll call it 'good' that way." Besides! If Nova were actually part of the crew, they'd be paying her!
Ha ha ha.
"Oh," Eight says, blinking in surprise. "Yes, that... would be very useful..."