2023-06-19: The Student's Decision
- Log: The Student's Decision
- Cast: Permanence Pasternak (NPCed by Ruri Hoshino), Eight York
- Where: The Ra Mari II - Eight's Quarters
- Date: 2023-06-19
- Summary: Permanence comes to her mentor and Captain, Eight York, to ask her advice on her approach with Leina. Eight affirms her belief and pride in Permanence and her progress, and the two share their optimism, even in the face of a bleak world.
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
Eight York, as is known to her crew, is currently On Maternity Leave. There was this whole internal email chain, didn't you see it? And, indeed, Permanence has put in a request to talk to the Acting Captain, but -- well, Enba's a busy person, right now. They have a lot of shit to take care of, and Permanence gets that.
Besides, just on a personal level...
She's put in a word with Eight, too, to ask to speak to her -- and that's why she's knocking on Eight's door, after getting done with her shift. (It means she's still in her blue-and-pink uniform, but that's fine. They don't win extra points for fashion.) She's brought a box of peanut butter chocolates, because she's heard a thing or two about cravings since she got out.
Knock, knock..!
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
There's a few transitionary things still going; Eight is assuming leave, but is still handling a few matters as she moves towards letting Rezza take over full-time. ...Rezza is pretty patient with this, and Eight is aware there's a little imposition there... But while Rezza is willing to talk to Permanence, Eight is willing to invite her to her house!
That is, her quarters. When Eight opens the door, the red decor is obvious; she has a theme color, and a palette in the room that suits it, pinks and reds and other warm colors to match. There are little pillows on the couch and chairs, which Eight would insist make the place more homey, and a door to an office not too far away--but it's the sort of office where one does paperwork rather than take meetings, usually.
But now, "Hi there," Eight says, out of uniform herself and in more casual attire.
"I'm glad you could make it. I know some people would rather have a more official setting to talk."
She steps back from the opening door, "Come on in. Make yourself comfortable. It's just us; Mr. Orlodhari is still working."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
One's quarters are basically their house, living on a ship. "Hey, Captain," Permanence grins, and holds out the box. "I heard you were hounding after peanut butter, so I picked you up some of these on my last bout of shore leave." It's a space brand! Eight probably knows it better than she does, but she was assured these were Good.
She laughs, and adds: "Oh, come on, you know I don't give a shit. This is nicer, honestly. Like -- I love what you've done with the place?" She makes her way in, and goes to settle down on a chair. She reaches around to retrieve that pillow, holding it up. "Who did this embroidery? It's adorable."
Settling it on her lap, she sighs, fingers drumming on the soft fabric. "It's a bit grim, but -- I wanted to talk about Leina," she settles on, after a moment. "And myself, I guess. Just... all that shit. I mean, I'm gonna talk to the Acting Captain all officially, but -- just personally, I wanted to get your opinion. You... you up for something like that right now?"
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight was being coy about the box. Now that Permanence holds it out, she smiles first--and then laughs. "You heard right! Oh, these are great, too!" Eight does know the brand! They're one that she used to favor on Winter Wonderland. That's not the only place to find them, of course, but it is a little homey. "Thanks, Permanence."
Then she laughs a little back. Then, "Oh? Thank you!" She always likes compliments on the decor. And when Permanence settles down, retrieve the pillow--
"That one was a gift; Lavhi's sister is into embroidery. I'm trying to learn, too. I'm not quite good enough for that kind of design, though. Yet!" Sedentary hobbies! ...It's a new approach for Eight, but if she's supposed to be resting...
Then she listens. Grim. All that...
Eight could say no. She's aware of that. But it's the fact that she could that makes her more inclined to say, "Yes, I'm up for that."
She takes a seat, too. "I'll give you what I can for it. So what in particular is on your mind?"
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"Wow, so this is her, huh?" Permanence grins, admiring the design. "She must have such stable hands to pull this off. All that detail is just... damn." She's never been much of a needlework person. Or is she? She's still figuring out 'hobbies'.
(It wasn't exactly something she had a lot of room for, in her life.)
She could say no; Permanence wouldn't even be particularly put out. As she's expressed, this is something of an extra-curricular opinion-seeking venture -- it's not Eight's job, right now. Even so, her opinion matters, to her.
"Well -- you know, I've been keeping my head down for... what, four, five months? It... took me a while to get comfortable," or to trust any of the Ra Mari II's doctors to really take a look at her, "but I think I've been doing pretty good, I mean -- all told. It's just --"
Permanence taps the pillow, with her fingers. "All this business with Leina... I think I want to get out there and fight for her, too. But... you know, the shit they shove in your brain... I've talked to you a lot about how you straightened yourself out, so I wanted to --" she shakes her head, and there's a flash of anxiety, all carried in her frown as she looks to Eight with her grey eyes. "I mean, am I making a mistake? Can I really handle being in a cockpit after all that? Is it me thinking I can help like this, or..." The alternative -- that it's not the decision she'd make -- ought to be plain enough to both of them.
... but the fact that she's worried about it says a lot about where the desire came from. The REA's certainty has never much broached question or dissent.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"She's steady as a rock," Eight agrees pleasantly. "It's really impressive. It's one of the things that got me wanting to try it." Eight remembers what it was like, to figure out these aspects. It's... nice, to see Permanence doing it herself. And she knows full well that her opinion matters. So...
She nods along, at first. "You seem to be!" Eight assures Permanence, but--
What she wants... Eight was hoping, on one level, that it wouldn't come to this; that she wouldn't feel the need to go back to war. It's so dangerous, so fraught...
But that anxiety tells her what she needs to know.
"That's up to you," Eight says first. "...But since you're asking my view... I think that the fact that you're worrying about it tells me a lot. Questioning, not being sure of things... That's one of the signs you're thinking for yourself. It's not a happy sign exactly, but it's a good one when you look at it that way."
On another level, though... Eight doesn't regret her own choice to return to war. And Permanence has the right to decide for herself.
Eight is quiet for a few more moments, as she weighs her words carefully. "Like I said, it's your choice. But it sounds to me like you're making that choice for your own reasons."
"...I couldn't step aside either," she admits. "It's part of why I haven't fully committed to my leave yet."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
Permanence has been trying out photography, lately. It took her a while to get to that point, where she can try and take a creative outlet and experiment with it, but...
Well, she's getting there. She's taken some pretty nice shots, actually. Eight might even have some! A lot of landscape shots, a lot of scenery. Not much centering people. Maybe that's still a little confronting, in its way.
She listens, as Eight goes through it, with a considerate hum as she points out the implications of questioning it. "Mm..." But she doesn't interrupt; she wants to hear Eight's thoughts, so she's not going to get in her own way, here.
Permanence nods, and frowns, pressing that pillow subtly into her lap. "Yeah... I get it. It's hard to just stay back... hearing about the Banshee bothered me. But I always told myself it wasn't really my fight... I wasn't ready. It's just --" She shakes her head, with a heavy blink. "Back then -- Leina's the one who put a cap in Dr. Tian. That woman... she was really a fucking snake, you know? I only just got there, and I already knew. Damn bastard was always so reasonable, so calm... you couldn't argue with her." Permanence frowns, and takes a breath, ten seconds of silence as she counts them down in reverse. There's the texture of silk thread under her fingertips, where it's been stitched in to make patterns and messages. "Every one of us," the survivors of the Institute, "owes her for that... so when I learned it was Leina, staying back got a lot harder to justify."
She pauses, glancing aside, to a cheerful spot of red. "And the kids are really struggling with it, too, you know? Especially Banagher... I don't want them to feel like they're alone in this shit. I mean, I told him there's no way we'd leave him to handle it alone, but -- you know, I can fight. I was pretty fucking good at it. I feel like... I should do something. Because I can do something."
(Permanence is definitely kind of hugging that pillow on the sly. Don't tell anyone.)
"... but... you know, Chris asked for my help bringing all the damn labs in the world down, the other day. It was really just her own wounds, I think... she doesn't know how to be anything but a hammer, but she still wants to help, right? But..." Permanence sighs, scuffing a heel against the carpet, loosely. "You know, it makes me think. What it means to be pissed about all this... what I'm signing up for. I ended up telling her I wanted to focus on Leina... I think that's for the best, right now. All the theoretical horrors in the world don't really weigh up to the shit right in front of my face."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight totally has some of those photographs! She likes landscapes and scenery. But then, even if she didn't she'd want to see Permanence's efforts...
But Eight does share her thoughts. And when Permanence finally responds, Eight gives her her full attention. Dr. Tian... "I see," Eight says. She grimaces; she can imagine that kind of approach, but she notices the way Permanence takes in a breath, centers herself. "...That makes sense."
She should do something because she can do something. The kinds of words Eight herself has said.
"...The world needs help," Eight says. "But it's hard to just do that from nothing. To just approach the whole world at once... I'm admittedly not sure how anyone would handle that for long; it's just too big."
"The things in front of you, the things you have the power to see and notice and maybe change--those we can work on. I'm the same way. Sure, I want to help the world... But I have to start somewhere. And I think that's reasonable."
"...Leina's easy to want to help. She does a lot, for a lot of people. She's a friend to me, too."
"We can be more than hammers. ...But sometimes fighting is the answer."
"I don't want them to feel alone, either. I admit I...;"
"Well. It's a little hard, to be stepping back now, when everything is..." She gestures. "So if this is what you want, I support you."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
There's this one shot of a slope in Winter Wonderland Eight might still have, from that time Permanence visited, a month or two ago. Probably one of the first photographs she was willing to offer other people; she'd be embarrassed of it, now, and its complete disregard for the rule of thirds, but maybe that's why it's so precious.
Permanence has always had an anger about her, when it comes to science and doctors. The doctors on the Ra Mari II -- well, they're exceptions, and not what she's talking about when she discusses the doctors who tortured her for decades. But she's learned how to address her anger, over the months, so that it doesn't hurt her overmuch; she's been working hard at internalising all these coping strategies, even though she started late. Learning to stop and orient one's self is a difficult skill, but Eight has been an excellent role model.
"There's so much," Permanence sighs, in agreement, as Eight talks about how big the world and its problems are. But more than speaking, she listens, and she nods.
"... yeah, it's got to be hard," she says, finally. "It'd be nice if the world could just -- stop exploding for a few months for your sake, huh?" Permanence laughs, a shade wan, as she shakes her head. "But... she's going to need you too, when she gets back, Captain. I... you know, I really don't think I could've made any progress if you hadn't sat my ass down and told me you'd been there. You'd been there, and now you're here, like... made me think anyone could get from being in the shit to making something of themselves, you know?"
Permanence reaches up, to brush a hand over her head, but her bun is very neatly done -- no hairs loose. "Leina's gonna need that, too... I'll bet you anything." A moment's quiet, and she adds: "There's a lot she needs. I'm sure she'll tell us, when her head's on straighter. But I think -- you know, I really think this is what I can do for her, right now. I killed a lot of people in those wanzers, but... if I could do something good with the whole damn skillset, you know, that's worth something."
Her hands fold, on the pillow. "So... yeah. This is what I wanna do, for my reasons. I want to fight to help Leina. And... I'm glad you're supporting me, Captain." She cracks a rueful grin, and adds: "But hey, do you think I can convince Captain Rezza to let me requisition an RPG to ride shotgun with me? You know -- just in case that fucking Murasame grabs me out of the sky and drags me back to his house of goddamn horrors." It's one of those jokes which really isn't a joke; this sort of thing is still vastly personal, still vastly frightening, even now she's out.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight likes that one. She keeps it in a little book, along with a few others.
Eight... did not come through with anger, when she escaped the labs. Eight had a different journey entirely. She had to learn how to be angry, how to allow herself that level of feeling at all.
But it's not so different.
"It would be," Eight says with a small smile. "...Yes, that's true. She will. She needs to be reminded that life goes on." She pauses. Then, she looks to Permanence again. "But you have. ...And she will, too."
Eight's hair is loose, of course; she tends to wear it down, especially out of uniform. "...I understand," Eight says. "Being able to use your skills... That's worth something."
She smiles, at first--and then looks very, very serious. Because this is indeed not a joke. "...Yes," Eight says. "I think you can make that happen." It's better than a cyanide pill, anyway. That's not how they do things.
"We'll get you everything you need."
"...But be careful, all right?"
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
Anger was something Permanence was permitted to use, back then.
... fear wasn't.
(Even so, now, she can express her fear to Eight.)
"She will," Permanence agrees. "And... yeah, I guess I really am, huh? But... I wouldn't have been able to without you, Captain." She smiles, to her, and she is grateful.
It is, in fact, better than a cyanide pill. At least a rocket launcher implies she'd take the bastards with her. It's not something she'd ever use, surely -- hopefully; but having that option, that ability to fight back if something happened, it's important to someone like Permanence.
"Thanks," she says, and she's serious, too. "I really appreciate it -- really. And... it's okay. I'll be careful. And it's not like I'm not planning on doing anything stupid like getting myself captured out there. Well, I say that, but the battlefield's where everyone does stupid shit..." She laughs, and shakes her head. "... but I really just want to get everyone through this safely. Especially Banagher... that poor kid's been through so much shit."
A hand to her heart, "... so I'm going to do my best to help us through this. And me, too. We're all connected by these horrors... but that means we're stronger working together, too. Even if you can't get in the Monster and go out there, Captain, I'll be out there. And when Leina comes back, I'm sure we'll both have to help her adjust back to normal life." She smiles, a hand coming up to her cheek. "... you know, these days, people look at me and think I've got all my shit together? It's flattering, but sometimes I laugh to myself about how I looked even three months ago... I'm still learning how to recover, too." She was... more despondent, about the capacity to get better, starting out. For a while, she felt that things would always be bad.
That's why Eight's so important, to her.
Permanence pauses, and adds, working through those remembered feelings: "... but, I mean... I think I'm ready to say I can, these days. And Leina can. No matter what shit they put you through... they can't make you suffer forever."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
'Emotion' was something in general that Eight had to learn. And she's learned it! ...A little at a time. Like Permanence is learning now.
She smiles back. "I'm just glad I could help," Eight answers warmly. "It's important to me, to give back. To do what I can, too."
The ability to fight back matters a lot to Eight, too.
"Thanks," Eight says, of being careful. "...True. The battlefield isn't the place for being overly careful. But even so... You're right. I just... Well. I worry, is all. I'm very good at it."
She smiles, though, at Permanence's resolve. "Yes. So you can get out there for me, too." She smiles more fondly at how flattering that is. She remembers how Permanence was. She knows how much better things are, now. "It's an ongoing process," Eight says. "It takes a while. But it's definitely worth it. Being able to be part of the world... There's nothing better."
"And you're exactly right. ...You have the chance to decide for yourself, now. And I'm proud to see you do it."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
One day at a time, and eventually you'll have more good days than bad days. Right?
Just like that.
Permanence is warm, just the same. "Worrying's not out of our ways, huh..? Thanks for worrying about me. I was always the one worried about other people, so... it's nice, you know? Like, it was nice meeting Chris, there, too... I really had a sense she'd been thinking about me, like that. A lot of people care about me..." She trails off, a shade embarrassed. But it's flattering, even so.
She tilts her head, and smiles, as she finally adds: "I'm glad I get to be part of the world, too. And... it means a lot that you're proud of me, Captain. I worked hard to get here, and I know I'm not close to done, but... the Ra Mari II's the place where I could do the work." Her fingers trace the embroidery, as she adds: "... this is my home, too. It really... really does mean a lot to me."
If she's quiet for a moment, after that, it's just because she has a lot of emotions crowding into her throat.
They're not bad ones, though.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"...You're welcome," Eight says, warmly in turn. It's nice to be worried 'about'. Eight reflects on that. She knows more people like that, really--who try to take it all on themselves. "We do," she says, and smiles.
But then she adds that, and Eight is happy to hear it. "...It means a lot to me," Eight says, "That you can say that. That's my hope, for this ship. I know we're at war, and likely to be for some time. But as long as we're here... That's my fervent wish. That this can be 'home.'"
She knows there's a lot of emotions there. She feels them, too.
Eight extends a hand, which Permanence can take, or not.
"I was given that, when I was younger. ...It's important to me, not just for me, or the children, but... For more."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"War... when I was a kid, I thought it'd get better," Permanence sighs. "Our beef with the Zentradi finally stopped for good when I was a toddler, so I got to grow up seeing them come to the table, on Earth... I remember when we got our first half-Melt kid in school. I asked my mom why we'd never seen any Zentradi coming in before that... I mean, looking back, it was pretty funny how she had to figure out how to explain cloning to a nine-year-old." She laughs, and shakes her head, the amusement fading to a shade of melancholy. "Well, not that things with Zeon weren't still pretty tense, but... people on the street, we had reasons to be positive about it, you know?"
A beat, "... I guess that's why we didn't expect the state to pull that Huffman shit. But I got pulled in to do that dirty work, and it just never ended... these days, I can't imagine thinking the worst is over. The danger's just a fact of life. But even if that's true, and it's not just me getting into my own head -- people need a home even if everything's exploding around them." Permanence pauses, again, tapping her fingers to the pillow. "No... maybe it's even more important, when it's like that." Having a place to come home to must be vital, with war raging outside.
She reaches out, and grasps Eight's hand. Her fingers are calloused, and there are enough medical scars, on her wrist and her hand; but her grip is firm with warmth, and not crushingly so.
"I'm glad they helped you," she says, and she means it. "I think... this sort of thing, it echoes out, further than you. You know, I saw Callisto, in the hangars... she was all tangled up in herself, but she still wanted to help. All this has got to be hard on her... even so, she still came back. She has a place here, too. Really, a lot of us..."
Permanence smiles. "No wonder you ended up refurbishing a Monitor, yeah? Wasn't gonna be anything else big enough to hold everyone close."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"Mm. That must've really been something." Eight obviously has an interest in that kind of thing--that era of history, those sorts of relationships. "...Haha," she says, of explaining cloning. But, well... "Right. You did." Lavhi's family is troubled by that, too. ....Lavhi himself, truth be told. "You'd think we'd have been able to get ourselves in order, after something like that."
But it never ended... The danger is a fact of life. "...Yes," Eight says. "I think so. I hope so, anyway. For now... that's what I can do. I can keep this place going."
Eight squeezes Permanence's fingers. Her own grip is careful, likewise warm, and strong. Not overpoweringly so, but Eight is not a frail person, for all that she needs to rest.
"...I'm glad to hear that about Callie," Eight murmurs. Then she smiles.
"...It was his idea, you know... But I'm so glad that we did it."
"I'll keep hanging on. For you, too."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"You'd think, right...? Though... for all shit's sucked, it's notable the Zentradi peace stuck." Permanence shrugs a shoulder, looking down at the Meltrandi-sewn cushion, for a moment. "I mean, I did hear about those remnant violence issues, but... people were happy the fighting stopped, and they never really turned around and called backsies on that, either."
Maybe not all shit sucks. Universally.
"So long as you're here... I know this place will keep on keeping on," Permanence smiles, squeezing Eight's hand, gently. "And Lahvi too, yeah? I'm not surprised to hear he thought of it. You keep a firm grasp on that guy, 'cause he's definitely going to hold shit together for you one day." Her smile cracks into a grin, saying that.
"I can't wait for the wedding. You're gonna kill it. After all this shit... everyone's gonna need something to celebrate, and I can't think of anyone better than you to centre that on. But don't count me out yet," she laughs, her grin widening, a little. "I'm only forty, you know! There's still plenty of time for me to meet a nice guy and steal the whole show!"