2023-06-12: Permanent Arrangements
- Log: Permanent Arrangements
- Cast: Permanence Pasternak (NPCed by Ruri Hoshino), Banagher Links
- Where: The Ra Mari II
- Date: 2023-06-12
- Summary: Banagher reconnects with Permanence Pasternak, after they manage to face each other in the Garuda. Permanence tries to offer him support, but ends up needing some herself, when it comes to her lingering anguish over the victims of the Ypotryll Gundam. Banagher learns about Permanence's history, as an experiment which began all the way back in the '70s -- and Permanence promises to help Banagher save Leina, even if it means getting back behind the controls of a machine. (Content warning: discussions of medical trauma)
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
The Ra Mari II is massive, as Monitors are; there is plenty of space, in a ship of this size, for personal quarters. There are double cabins available for families -- like the Yetlanqs, who came aboard after their home was destroyed in the invasion of Orb.
A laundry hamper has been wheeled in, with a dwindling trolley of fresh linen and another section with full bags waiting in the hall... but there's one little problem. "Don't touch my bed!!" Young Tenni insists, her blue twintails curling about her head in clear mirrored pique. The half-Meltrandi child stomps her foot, and insists: "Mx. Dolly's still missing! You can't just take everything away!!"
"Haa? A missing person's case, huh?" Permanence Pasternak asks, as she puts her armful of fresh sheets down on the dresser. "They never told me it was that serious! But don't worry, yes? We'll find them! Look, if we just shake all these out to make sure no one's hiding --" she goes through the procession of shaking out the girl's blankets, and then her sheets, before she tucks them into the hamper. "And they're not hiding in here?" She asks, as she takes the pillowcase off, and turns it inside out for Tenni's inspection.
"But... but then, where are they?!" Tenni asks, tears welling in her big blue eyes.
Permanence crouches, and pats her shoulder, and smiles to her. "Hey, hey, don't cry, come on, are you giving up that easy? Here, I'll show you a trick." She scoots around, and unsecures the mattress from the bedframe, with all those clasps which keep it in place in case the gravity fails. Once it's free of its bindings, she straightens her knees and hoists the whole thing UP, off of the frame secured to the floor. (Another trick against gravity.) And there's the doll, tucked against the wall of the cabin. "Can you reach them, between the slats?" Permanence asks, but Tenni's already scrambling over to reach through and rescue her precious toy.
"Mx. Dolly!" She cries, hugging the doll to herself and spinning around.
Permanence grins, as she puts the mattress back down and secures it again. "There we are! Safe and sound?" It doesn't take long to put some fresh linen on, now the rescue mission's done.
"Yeah!" Tenni grins, hugging the cloth doll. "They're like Mx. Rezza! Mommy says they've 'really got their head on straight', so they're the best one running things!"
Permanence laughs, as she straightens out her pillow. "A fan of the Acting Captain, huh? You oughta go tell them sometime."
"Wow!" Tenni exclaims, eyes going wide. "You think I can?!"
"Sure," Permanence smiles. "They don't bite. Why don't you ask your mom if you can set something up?"
"Ya-huh!" Tenni nods, cheerfully, and nyooms off into the living room to interrupt her mother's paperwork. Judging by the conversation which Permanence interrupts briefly ("You're all good here!" "Thanks for your help,") she ran off to do just that.
Out in the hall again, she wheels the hamper and the trolley to the office, at the end of the hall; this was the last dwelling-block in this sector, thankfully. (Not the last dwelling-block PERIOD -- no one person could change all those sheets. Permanence is part of a team, thank you very much.) She hoists the bags of laundry to be washed onto another trolley, and sets about restocking the fresh linen into their cubby slots for the next person to take this section.
She doesn't bother closing the door; it's not like the Ra Mari II's sheets are a matter of operational security.
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Real Life > Serious > New Thread
Title: I'm Back -- Again
[MOD] thelastHaro: As some of you know, I've been wrapped up in a lot of intense RL stuff lately. My girlfriends and I were caught up in the battle at Dakar, and since then, it's been tough keeping my head up. I'm okay, nobody needs to worry, but I'll be absent for a while longer.
If anything goes wrong, you can rely on your mod team as always. @solidwall0084 is in charge until I get back. Thanks for your support, as ever, and I'll be back soon!
---
Banagher hopes he will, anyway.
With the post made, he lingers on the Haroics webpage, looking over his forum's activity. There's plenty of new posts, lots of topics he'd like to read and weigh in on. But none of that is important. Only saving Leina matters.
For that purpose, he and the Unicorn have returned to the Ra Mari II. Work on her upgrades is proceeding incredibly quickly -- between Takuya and Tomura and the wealth of parts they have to scavenge from the Garuda, the Gundam will be completed well before he could've hoped.
Banagher closes his web browser. He shouldn't stay cooped up in his quarters any more, the Captain made sure to emphasize how important it was to not isolate himself. Pulling on his leather Garencieres-crew jacket, the young pilot wanders into the hallway. He picks a direction at random, letting his momentum carry him forward.
Mx. Dolly! A child's voice cries, and Banagher floats toward the sound. Peeking around a doorway, he sees Permanence and a blue-haired child talking happily. A smile comes to his face, and he floats back as Permanence exits the room.
"Hey." Banagher greets, as Permanence restocks the fresh linens. He's carefully far away, not wanting to startle her into lashing out -- just in case. "It's really sweet of you to help that little girl."
Bonk. Banagher lightly stops himself on a wall, watching Permanence work. "Can I help you out with anything? I'm out of projects, and when I'm just sitting still, I get a little..."
"Upset." He finishes. If anyone will understand, Permanence will. "I don't want to take your work away from you or anything. Takuya kicked me out of the hangar to get some rest, but I just can't sleep."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
Permanence did have trouble with that, when she first came aboard the ship. She was real jumpy, for a while. But -- well, they managed to get her medications adjusted, and she eventually managed to agree to some actual therapy, and --
All that to say that she doesn't flinch or whip around, when Banagher greets her. She does turn, though, and smiles to him. "Ahh, shit," she says, because she can swear, now she's in the company of someone whose age can be measured in double digits. "What was I gonna do, just let her think her doll got put through the wash? Besides, a ship this size -- if it did get put through, you'd never find it again. Like, you know we got industrial washing machines in here, right?" She laughs, shaking her head.
She gestures him in, and points to a half-ajar cupboard -- "Fresh stuff's in there," she says, and doesn't challenge him for a second on whether he should be messing with someone else's work. Because, as it happens: "I get it. Like, they just gave me a room when I came in here, and when they caught me straightening shit out they were like, 'you don't have to do anything, you just went through some mad shit'. Screw that!" She laughs, despite the crass exclamation. "Let a woman meddle!"
She shifts over to give him room to help fill the trolley out, too. (She's possessed of Zaftran height, so she's a good four inches taller than him, and she's broad to boot; she's used to minding the space she takes up.) "Still eaten up about all that, huh?" She ventures, after she tucks in another stack of pillowcases. "Anyone would be. If you can't sleep, you can't sleep. Won't help anyone to stare at the wall and go over all the bullshit in your brain."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Permanence's smile is still a surprise to Banagher, and he smiles in return as he sees it. "Yeah, no kidding. It's got to be hard to be a kid in a place like this. But I think they find they own way to adapt and have fun."
"I've been thinking about making a Haro for the Ra Mari II kids to play with, you know, like Amuro Ray did on White Base... But I don't know." Banagher admits, a little embarrassed. "I don't want to be weird or anything. And I'm already making one for Captain York's baby, so it'd be a long term project."
Banagher floats in as Permanence gestures. He's not a stranger to this kind of work -- he had to keep house while his mother was in the hospital, then fend for himself after she passed. The trolley is filled quickly, Banagher focusing quietly on his task.
The young pilot grins at Permanence's crass language. "Yeah, seriously! Some people just need things to work on. Rest makes it worse. After my mom died, I," Banagher loads another pile of linens, "made a whole website dedicated to Haros. I barely did anything else for weeks. Being alone with my thoughts was overwhelming."
"Yeah..." Banagher is quiet for a moment, as Permanence asks if he's still eaten up about things. "When I was -- when they had us. The doctor never even talked to me, or came to see me. I had to watch the girls suffer while I was totally fine, and know Leina'd been going through this for months."
He pauses, looking very carefully at the cupboard. "I wish they'd just taken me. I'm the one Vist wants, it's stupid... This could've been over by now."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"Haros, huh? What website?" Permanence asks, as she works. She's... probably a little old to be an enthusiast, but that doesn't mean she can't show interest. "Might not be a bad idea, making one for the little'uns. Maddy and her kid came on when the Federation took a swing at Orb -- their house got trashed in the fighting, so they stayed here a while, and now I guess they're comfortable. Can't really blame them for feeling safer on a warship than in a house. That conflict's done, but there's always another."
She pauses, and adds: "Sorry to hear about your mom, though. It's rough to lose them that young." She pauses, and considers: "Ahh, though I guess I was around the same age, technically speaking... well, she died later, but you know how it goes." And there's a lot of bitterness rolled up in that what-can-you-do tone, but it's long been shelved.
She shelves some blankets, too. "... yeah. It's hard to just sit there and watch. A whole bunch of us were imported from Bailuo, back then... but they decided I was too old to suit their experiments. Too many cooks," she adds, with a sneer. "And you know -- I know, like, logically, I've been working on it with my team -- there ain't shit I could have done even if I was suitable. I wouldn't have saved anyone, if they'd dragged me out. But just, kind of..."
She shrugs, and leans, against the wall beside the cupboard. "... you know, at this stage, you sit there and you feel all their feelings, and you do what you can, but there's shit all you can do. I tried to keep them together, but it didn't fucking matter. I didn't even see what they did, really. It was just..." Her grey gaze grows distant, focusing on the far door.
"..."
A girl screams for her mother, and then she screams for Prima, and then she stops screaming at all. A boy's pain goes deep to his bones, and deeper still, until he lives inside them with no door to escape. A man knows regret; a woman, dawning horror. She does not speak a name. She screams 'NO,' and the whole world of Medical feels it. The voices never stop. They only grow more discordant, more enmeshed, more difficult to tell apart.
Permanence shakes her head. "-- anyway," she calls herself back to herself, "I guess it must've been twice as bad, since you were who they wanted. I'm just, old furniture... well, I can't imagine how hard using them to get to you must've fucked you over, there." Her fingers drum, against her arms, and she adds: "Though you're painting a pretty good picture."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Banagher looks pleased at Permanence's interest in his Haro forum. "It's called Haroics -- it's a little clunky, I made it when I was pretty young. But I'm too nostalgic to really change it. Really, it's just an old-school forum where people talk about Haros."
"Everyone on board has been through something terrible." Banagher murmurs. "Yeah. I think I'll make one for the kids. It won't hurt anything, and maybe it'll be fun for them. Something durable and cute... Maybe red, to match the Ra Mari II."
Ideas are already clear in Banagher's mind. He smiles, grateful for new inspiration. Starting a project is always a very distracting time -- maybe he can work on the ship Haro and Eight's Haro simultaneously. He's got enough room in his quarters...
Banagher blinks back to the conversation as Permanence mentions her own mother. "What happened? If -- I can ask. It's okay if you'd rather not talk about it. My mom... she worked herself to death, I think. It was just me and her, and she worked all these tough jobs so we could get by. She had an diagnosed heart problem, and by the time they found it, it was too late."
"She didn't suffer, though." Banagher adds, quietly. "I'm really thankful for that."
Falling silent, Banagher listens to Permanence describe her experience. So the Institute wasn't even her first laboratory? He'd never considered people could just be... shuffled between facilities like that, like some kind of merchandise. The horror of it makes him shudder -- makes him remember what was said at the meeting about Murasame wanting to take the girls and vanish.
It isn't just a nightmare, Banagher realizes. It's a reality, for lots of people, suffering in those labs.
His grief is nearly palpable, at this realization. And the emotion only grows as Permanence goes on. By the time her focus shifts to the far door...
Permanence's memory strikes Banagher's heart, tearing through his practically non-existent walls with the ferocity of her anger and sorrow. Wincing in pain, he brings one hand up to cover his left eye.
"It wasn't just months for you." Banagher whispers. "And you knew -- nobody was coming to save you. There was nothing you could rely on... No deals you could make, to make it end."
Tears drip down his face, and he doesn't bother wiping them away. "It was your life. It was all some of them ever knew, and still... To not even know what happened to them at the end. I -- I'm so sorry. It shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be -- possible for the world to be this horrible."
Golden eyes squeeze closed. Banagher puts one more set of linens on the trolley, not wanting to get his tears on the clean sheets. "I can't -- I can't fight her. Not knowing -- not after everything -- Leina's barely holding on! Forcing her to take a hit from the Unicorn could kill her! She was already tearing herself apart to capture me, I can't--!"
Panic floats around the young man, his hands gripping the side of the trolley as if to cling to reality. "I can't do this." He whispers, desperately.
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"Haroics, huh? Cute name. Like 'heroics', right?" Permanence laughs. "I'd be pretty worried about a Haro pulling some heroics, though... they're just little guys. But hey," she adds, "it's worth working on it all. Keeps you busy, if nothing else. That's worth something."
She shrugs, when the topic of her mother comes up. "My mother, she -- well, the official story is she tripped and fell out the window after putting in too much overtime. But you see, in the old country, we call that 'Zaftran window disease', and the idea that it's clumsiness is just some bullshit to keep the peace." She sighs, a hand reaching up to sweep over her hair. (It's kept in a bun, of course, but she likes to make sure there's no strands free.) "Sounds like your mom really did work herself to death, though... it's hard for single mothers, out there." And, she supposes, Banagher's mother had to work twice as hard to make sure his father didn't get involved.
There's an entire stab of bitterness there she doesn't bother verbalising, but at least it doesn't feel like it's directed at Banagher.
"No," Permanence says, quietly. "No... it wasn't." It wasn't months. It wasn't...
And his resolve's wavering, too.
She knows she shouldn't be touching him at a time like this, but she can't just leave him crying, either. She grabs a box of tissues, she dabs at his face --
A straw-haired girl not much younger than Banagher works in a classroom, visions of Moscow stretching out from the windows. There's a 'Gifted & Talented Recognition Board' on the wall; photos of her litter it. Outside, a man in a suit talks to a set of parents. She looks to them, sometimes. More frequently, she focuses on her work, a high-level spatial reasoning puzzle on a handheld tablet.
The man comes in and introduces himself. The name's not important; she's lost it to time. He says that her talents are wasted, in these classes. He says her parents have agreed to let her attend an advanced program.
She learns only later that the state took custody from her, then. When her mother tries to learn what happened to her, she trips out of a fifth-story window, having spent... too much time working, perhaps. Her father, in his grief, kills himself soon afterwards. It serves as a tool to break her. Another tool, to break her.
The first experiments are not what anyone would recognise as modern 'Cyber-Newtype' efforts. The first experiments seek only to boost her capabilities. And she has many capabilities, they find, when they unleash her on the Second Huffman Conflict. She is employed as a PMC; she is not officially associated with the REA. Even so, she's a Republic asset.
But she survives. Their interest grows. The experiments grow to resemble more of what one expects, from those laboratories. The '70s are an unkind time, to be a subject there. The '80s, after the One Year War, are in some ways even worse.
The facilities torturing her fall, one by one. She never quite manages to escape. She's always sent to another lab, another scientist, another program. A curiosity. A survivor of the early experiments. She serves a purpose, in this way.
And she watches her younger comrades suffer and die, around her, and all she can do is encourage them to hold on.
She feels responsible.
-- her hand jerks away, and she offers him the box, instead. "Sorry," she mutters. "I wasn't thinking. It's -- still kinda raw. But hey, you... you should sit down. Here," she gestures him to the chairs in the office, where staff can sit down and have lunch. "You're -- overwhelmed. You'll fall on your ass if you don't take a second." She heads over, and pulls him out a chair, and goes and pours him a glass of water from the cooler on the sink. This, she puts on the table for him.
"We can talk about it," she assures him, and pulls out a chair of her own to demonstrate her willingness to do so. "But you gotta take a second first. You're injured, and you're opening your wounds up like this. That won't help her, and it won't help you."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"Ha, yeah. As a kid, I thought it was pretty clever. I made the icon myself, a green Haro with an RX-78-2 Gundam helmet on. It's still up there." Banagher smiles to himself. "It was only a few years ago, but it feels like another lifetime."
Banagher looks distressed, hearing the fate of Permanence's mother. Knowing his mother essentially died for him is one thing, but having your mother murdered... He squeezes his eyes closed, letting the echo of her pain land on his heart, gentle and heavy all at once.
"I -- I knew Yuliana was an assassin, and stuff like that happened, but --" Again, he never thought of it as a real thing that happened. It felt like a concept, a possibility. "Both of your parents... Just so they could..."
Golden eyes look up at her as she dabs at his tears. He doesn't react, at first. Not until the memories begin again, and his body goes stiff. Banagher's eyes dart back and forth, tracking people and events from long ago, blind to the present reality.
This time, the communication isn't one way. With Permanence's touch, and Banagher's focus on her experiences, one of his own few memories of experimentation echoes from his heart. Compared to Permanence's experiences, it's... almost embarrassingly minor.
A middle-aged man calls to a toddler with brown, fluffy hair. As the child makes his way toward him, the man -- Cardeas, father -- holds out a strange object. A puzzle, of some kind. Spatial reasoning, like the one Permanence was instructed to solve.
The puzzle is shiny. Gold and mint-green. It rattles in the child's hands, and though Cardeas watches with a critical eye, he still presses a kiss to the toddler's cheek. The puzzle is meant to take adults quite a while to solve. But in the hands of the little brunette child--
Click.
Opening like a flower, the puzzle box reveals a child-sized lanyard, attached to a key card emblazoned with the Vist Foundation's symbol. Thrilled, the small boy puts it around his own neck immediately, as his father looks at him with new sharpness in his gaze.
Banagher gasps as both memories break, Permanence pulling away from him. With a sob, he curls in on himself, reaching for her for just a moment -- before realizing they'll hurt each other further.
It takes the young pilot a moment to adjust back to reality enough to follow Permanence's gesture. He nods, propelling himself toward them, and 'sitting' just above the chair she pulls out.
"N--nh--" He starts, losing his voice on a sob. Banagher takes the drink of water. It's grounding, feeling the cool glass touch his skin, and the liquid wash against his taste buds.
"You shouldn't--" A breath. Eyes squeeze closed. The lights in the room are too much. He just needs a second, like Permanence says. "You shouldn't -- have to comfort me. Or anyone else, ever -- after -- you should be the one being protected and comforted."
Banagher looks almost desperately toward her. "How can you go on, after so much-- How do you bear it, Permanence? They hurt you so much, and you had to watch so many others--" A shudder. Despair prickles against his skin. "It isn't your fault. It never, never was your fault."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"Yeah. It happens. Not... too often," she assures him, a touch carefully. "Even with that prick, like -- the Nega Force was, what? Three agents?" It's a fair guess, for someone who never left the Institute. Parminder never set foot in the building, after all. "It feels like a lot of wetwork, but it's pretty targeted. You can't achieve widespread death with three dudes -- and I don't think they had too many teams, like that. I mean, I'm sure they weren't the only assassins on the REA's roster, but... most people don't... die, because they're inconvenient to the state." Permanence frowns. "But back then, it was even more of a secret... I guess that's why they did something about my mother sniffing about."
But the memories she finds -- they're not minor, to her.
She draws a glass of water for herself, too. The glass is cool against her fingertips; she can see the faint rattle of the ship in operation, echoing in the ripples of the water. The room smells like linen, and when she sips it, it tastes just faintly of the treatment chemicals in the water system. Gulp... gulp... gulp.
"Hey," she says, gently, and only after she's grounded herself in turn. "It's okay. I'm getting comfort here -- the Captain's been really good with, like, reminding me you can get better after all this shit. But it's not up to you to take it all on, either, all right? I'm a lot older than you... it would be a real dick move if I expected you to protect me."
She takes a breath. "It's not my fault. And it wasn't your fault, Banagher. You were so young! I was stuck there for longer than you've been alive, but -- but were you even properly out of diapers, when your father pulled that shit with you!? It really pisses me off!" She snaps, her grip tightening painfully around the glass -- but only for a second, before she takes another breath, and lets it out more slowly. "No, sorry... my emotions fuck me up sometimes, but... I'm not mad at you. P--promise."
She reaches over to grab a tissue from the box she gave Banagher; her eyes are getting kind of damp, by this point, too.
"It's hard. It's hard to go on, and it's hard to do what you gotta do. Sometimes I still look in the mirror and wonder if this is what I think, what I want to do... a lot of how I got by, it was because they made sure I wouldn't think to complain in an inconvenient way. I didn't even notice... who I was mad at. I thought I was... I thought I knew myself, I thought I at least had my anger. But I wasn't a person to those people... I was as powerless as anyone else."
She dabs at her eyes, again. "It... it took me a whole month before I'd even let anyone near me. I kept saying I was fine... I wasn't fine. I'm sure... it's the same for your girl, out there. Admitting something's wrong... it won't happen until she's out. Maybe not even for a while after. It's -- it's hard for -- the human brain's not really built to accept being a thing."
Permanence takes a breath, and a sip of water, and looks to Banagher again.
"But it's okay," she tells him. "It's okay if you can't fight her. Us adults should be protecting you, Banagher... maybe it's time I stopped avoiding you and put the work in. I don't mind dragging someone in by the heels... hell, I don't think I could live with myself if I sat back and let another girl get eaten by this fucking machine."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"I didn't look too much into it, after what happened." Banagher admits, quietly. "Leina's the one who arranged all the data being made public. I wasn't there for her nearly as much as I should've been. It's horrible to think a country had assassin squads at all."
Banagher's learned so much, in the year and change since the destruction of Industrial 7, but there's always more. More horror, more sadness. Is a world like this even possible to change? Leina's despair return to him again, and the young pilot brings a hand up to clutch at his heart.
The frantic energy in the room cools, easing off into something tolerable for both Newtypes. Banagher breathes in and out, holding his glass of water tight with both hands.
"While I was captured, my... half-brother... ran a test on my blood and found out my father was prepping me for 'physical and mental enhancement', even when I was that young. Who knows what he would've done if my mom didn't get me away from him." Banagher slumps a little. "I wanted to think he loved me, but maybe he just had me so he could have a subject to work with."
A little smile at Permanence's anger. "It's okay. I don't mind, I promise. Leina's the same way about this topic. I wanted a family so badly after I lost my mom. What a joke, right?" He takes another drink.
As Permanence dabs at her eyes, Banagher takes another tissue, wiping at his own. He hadn't realized his tears had continued, and he gently wipes them away. The skin beneath his eyes is sore and delicate after all the tears he's shed in the past few weeks.
"The fact that you can still -- get mad for someone else... The fact that you can still care." Banagher looks up at Permanence, something like awe in his expression. "I don't think I could be like that after a life like you've had. I -- I think that makes you really, really incredible."
It gives him hope he can't quite bear to verbalize.
Permanence speaks, and Banagher is quiet, his gaze dipping down to watch the ripples in his glass of water. "It sounds like you kept going because it was the only thing you could do. At least at first."
"Leina believes she's a 'willing collaborator'. They're not only making her do all this -- horror, they're making her think she's doing it because she wants to. It's so sick. I couldn't get through to her, no matter what I tried." Banagher wipes at his eyes again, too. "I -- I hope you're right. That once she's out, she'll realize... The truth about all this. But... They've been starving her, and not letting her sleep, and torturing her, and -- I'm so scared it's going to kill her. The shock, or... something."
He mumbles that last part. It's difficult, speaking fears out loud. It feels like he's making them more real by giving them form.
Golden eyes raise. Banagher looks at Permanance for a long, long moment, his expression unreadable. "I don't want you to have to fight." He says, voice barely a whisper. "I don't want any of us..."
"I don't know what's right anymore. I've never been able to defeat the Banshee in battle, even with help. Do I ask for more people to come fight for me? Knowing it could hurt Leina, or she could hurt them? The Banshee, the Unicorn -- they're --" Banagher struggles, his breathing uneven. "They're strong. Too strong. Some people think they shouldn't even exist."
A hand comes to his heart again.
"I feel like it's got to be me who brings her home. What other machine can keep up with the Banshee but her sister unit? And nobody else can pilot the Unicorn..." Tears squeeze out of Banagher's eyes. "But the thought of -- shooting at her. It makes me feel like I'm going to throw up."
"D--do I ask... you, and everyone... to fight that battle for me? While I stay back? I don't want to be a liability on the battlefield and get someone killed." Banagher's voice trembles. "But I know -- I know how strong the Banshee is. I can't just do nothing!"
Slowly, Banagher lowers his head, shoulders hunched. "I don't know what's right anymore. But I -- can't ask you to do this, Permanence. It can't be right to ask someone like you to come back to piloting. You deserve so much more than a battlefield."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"It is," Permanence says, gently. "But... even if I didn't much like her, that woman they had heading up their death squad was just more mill to the grindstone. Ulyana?" Not quite, but it's a close match to 'Yuliana', if you're Zaftran. "It pissed me off how she'd get involved in my testing, but... she wasn't a scientist, like they were. She was just another victim of it all... and it's not like we couldn't tell they'd really put those three through the wringer. To pass as normal in society, they'd have to be really fucking deluded..."
She shuts her eyes, briefly, and sighs. "Ahh, still, everyone wanted to be them. Most of our deployments were -- way more limited than that. They'd send me out as a Valentine, but I'd never leave the wanzer... hell, I didn't even have external comms. I know they took Prima out more -- she was on the same career track, hope she's doing well now -- and Gim, he really was on deployment when you all came. But they told me they managed to get him... those people you came with." She laughs, a shade light and a shade ragged. "Not sure if you're terrorists or some secret society, with how secretive it all is... but it's not just my life I owe you, so I'm not about to talk shit." Technically, it was a collaboration between terrorists and at least one secret society (two, if you consider G-Hound to also be one), but never mind that.
Permanence shakes her head, and -- starts to reach out for Banagher, before she reminds herself that they've both got raw nerves, right now. They settle back down, on the table, though she looks to him. "I'm no fan of science, obviously, but... people are complicated, Banagher. They're not all good, and they're not all bad, even if I could fucking swear that makes way more sense sometimes. You can love someone and use them at the same time. But even if you get a chance to ask your old man, could you accept an answer, right now...? Don't answer that so quickly," she adds, lifting a hand from the table in a loose wave. It's that part she clarifies, and not the presumption that Banagher can talk to ghosts -- after all, she felt what Wira did for him, back then. The ghost conversations are simply a point of fact. "How you feel doesn't have to pay anything to his intentions. Even we can't always know what someone was thinking, all the time... if you stake too much on the other guy, you'll forget you've got your own heart, somewhere in there." She gestures, vaguely, to his chest. Left, right... and now she's pointing to his liver?! "Ehhhh, somewhere around there," she grins, through her damp eyes.
Maybe she's trying to break up some of the tension, in here.
"Ahh, come on, I'm just a mean old biddy," she smiles, waving her hand, again. "But -- thanks. I guess I always just wanted to take care of people, so giving a shit keeps me together. ... got to know Wira pretty well, given that," she sighs, the wind leaving her own sails momentarily. "He was a good kid..." He was older than Banagher, but apparently that's still a kid, when you're forty. (Imagine being forty! That's as many as four tens!)
She sighs, curling her fingers around her glass. "She'll die if she stays there," she points out, gaze darting away. "Even if she's not deliberately killed. Scientists expect it, you know." Sometimes, they -- but she pushes the thoughts of them pushing people aside, before they can roar up too loudly. "I know you're afraid, but she can't get herself out of this. She needs your help."
Her gaze drifts, to the linen, as she murmurs: "Perhaps they shouldn't exist," and she speaks of the Unicorns, too. "I'm sorry if you've grown attached... but Psychoframe is built on the foundation of human misery." She takes a breath, and pushes down her own memories of Psycommu experiments, buried deeper beneath the trauma of Ypotryll. A flash of teeth, under her lips: "Fuck it all! They won't even give us the dignity of a real coffin."
Oh, neighbour to electric shock, opening every nerve, loosing every gate --
"Even so, they exist," Permanence sighs, looking back to Banagher. "If you can't stay back, you have to fight. And if you have to fight, you must commit. You can't ask yourself, what if this attack kills her, what if saving her kills her? Freezing up isn't a mercy to Leina, Banagher. I mean, shit, it's not even really a mercy to yourself... not when you'll go over it again and again, when you're out of your suit, like this." She lifts a hand, to gesture to -- well -- all of him.
"But... you're a bit stubborn, aren't you?" She asks, with the ghost of a smile. "Saying 'it has to be me', or 'it has to be you'... you're not the only one responsible for this. You're -- what, seventeen? Maybe eighteen? No one should be asking you to shoulder all the responsibility of getting her back, no matter how powerful a gun they've given you for your solitary use." Permanence shakes her head, and takes another sip of water. "At the same time, the alternative isn't just that you do nothing. What it really comes down to is whether you want to save her by fighting -- or whether you can save her better outside of the battlefield. It's your decision. The Captain wouldn't accept anyone else making it for you." Permanence speaks highly of Eight York, habitually; she's been instrumental in helping her get to this point.
"People here don't fight battles 'for' other people... well, not with the Three Ships Alliance, anyway. The Sleeves..." Permanence frowns, as she thinks of the way Marida tends to deploy, the way Zoltan used to deploy before he disappeared, the dirty tricks she's heard of Full Frontal using to activate other people's programming. They're loud enough feelings, disgruntled and discomforted, but she verbalises: "... actually, I'm not gonna say shit about the guests. Point is, the Captain's people fight with other people. And that's what you need, I think."
Her glass clinks, as she sets it down on the table; she is quiet, for a moment. "... wanzers... were never too kind to me," she admits, a shade downcast. "Neither was fighting... people like us, in the REA, we're just military equipment. They expected me to perform to my specifications... and it fucking sucked for me if I didn't." Her gaze diverts, as she admits: "It didn't much matter what I thought about a fight. And, you know... I played along. I destroyed the suits they pointed me at. It got me out of the lab... I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of my record... well, not like I officially have one, anyway." She was kept on a shorter leash; she didn't need the cover of a military career. They called her a Private, when they had to call her anything at all, and all her kills just glory to her commanders.
"But rescuing someone from the same shit I went through...?" She asks, as her grey eyes settle back on the boy in front of her. "I can be proud of that, Banagher. You didn't ask me to do anything. I volunteered my own damn self... well, I'll have to speak to the Captain, of course. Probably need to get a psych test done, make sure my head's on straight... but I want to help her. I mean..." She breathes out, one hand reaching over to curl around the other, as she clasps her hands together on the table. "She killed that bastard, Dr. Tian. That fucking piece of shit would... she'd screw up every time we tried to think and call it therapy... and we'd be like, well, at least she's nice, like, what the hell! I owe Leina for double-tapping that fucker -- we all do."
She manages to undig her hands from each other before she does too much damage, at least.
"... so you see, it's personal to me, too. I want to help her, Banagher."
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
Banagher isn't sure if he should name Yuliana. Despite everything she's done, he can't help but think of Yuliana as a crying woman, bleeding out in his arms. He doesn't want her to be hated any more than she already is. Instead, he listens, nodding at what Permanence chooses to share.
"That reminds me of one of the other captives on the Garuda. She was playing along, pretending to be on Murasame's side. She wasn't any more free than the rest of us... Even if they treated her a little better. We were all in the same situation, more or less."
Banagher shakes his head. "It's so messed up they made you fight for them after they hurt you so badly. Um, if you want to find any of them, I'm sure that can be arranged. The group I work with helped as many people as would accept their help." A tiny smile. "One of the little girls even got to go on a pony ride. Leina made that happen..."
It takes him a second to collect himself again.
"I'm not sure what I am anymore either. Terrorist or secret society member. I'm... technically one of the Earthsphere's most wanted." It's not technical at all. Banagher is one of the Earthsphere's most wanted criminals. but it feels odd saying such a thing outright. "But I'd like to be more on the secret society end of things, I guess. I never wanted to hurt anyone."
Golden eyes watch Permanence's hands raise, then lower again. Banagher gives her a sympathetic smile. Her question about Cardeas makes the young man open his mouth immediately -- but he closes it again, at her instruction. Though Cardeas has never chosen to visit Banagher spiritually, it's certainly possible. If he did...
A little laugh as Permanence fails to point to Banagher's heart. "I get what you're saying. In the end, nothing he intended really matters. What happened, happened. I can't let myself get wrapped up in my father's feelings. But if I got to see him again, I'd want to know --" A pause. He looks away. "If he actually loved me, or if I was just a subject to him. As he was dying, he pushed me into the Unicorn, and touched my face really softly, like he cared about me. He said he wanted more for me. But what does that even mean?"
"I don't know. It won't change anything. He did what he did. I don't think you can love a child and experiment on them at the same time." Banagher sighs. "His last words were calling my mom's name. He just -- doesn't make any sense."
Another tiny laugh. "You're not old!" He insists. "Your life is just starting! Now that you're free, you can do anything you want. Stay here, explore the Earth, visit the Colonies... There's so many possibilities. You've done so much for others, all your life. I think you should think about what you want, and go for it."
"I get money from my organization, I don't really use it, so if you want some to go on a trip or get started somewhere or anything, I've got you." Banagher, who grew up in poverty, offers this with weight in his words. He knows how difficult it is to start a new life.
The conversation returns to Leina, and the young pilot looks stricken, feeling Permanence push away another layer of horrible memories, and while Banagher is thankful, he can't help but feel distressed that there can even be more.
"You're right." He murmurs. "My... half-brother... cares about Leina. Not in a weird way, just -- he's not okay with what they've done to her. But he's too much of a coward to change anything. It's disgusting." Anger vibrates around Banagher, thrumming in the air. "I can't rely on him to save her if Murasame or Martha wanted to kill Leina. The next time we see the Banshee -- we can't fail. We can't."
Lowering his head slightly, Banagher lets Permanence speak about the Psychoframe. "I know they're horrible, but the Unicorn -- her Psychoframe let me perform a Miracle like Axis Shock. It saved everyone on board this ship and the Garencieres -- a Sleeves vessel. The Unicorn is --" Banagher almost says, 'a good person', but realizes that would sound insane. "...I believe in her. I believe she can be more than the family she was born into."
"Would it help, um." Banagher's voice is soft, after Permanence's outburst. He remembers seeing the Ypotryll, a machine radiating horror. "If we had funerals for them? I know -- their bodies are... lost, but it could be a memorial of sorts. They deserve to be remembered."
As if in response to Permanence's advice, Banagher goes very, very still. This is a reality he's been dancing around since they escaped the Garuda. If he's going to fight the Banshee, he has to give it all he has. Anything less -- well. Banagher has a string of losses to prove what his halfhearted motivation results in.
"They took her because of me." He murmurs. "I know it isn't my fault, but the causation can't be denied. And I love her. There's no way I can sit on the sidelines." A pause. "Seventeen. You're right, about Captain York. She's never forced me into anything. Neither has Captain Zinnerman... I've been really lucky. So much luckier than most people."
"Healing is going to be a really long road for Leina, with how long Vist's had her, and how much they've done. I'm going to be there with her every step." Banagher vows. "And I'm going to pull her out of that Gundam. It's not even something I have to think about, really, I'm just -- scared."
Sip. The water remains a grounding experience, keeping Banagher's emotions from running away with him again. Permanence's feelings about Marida reach the young pilot, and he looks down. That's a situation he's never known how to handle.
Maybe it's time he says something to Captain Zinnerman about Marida. After what he's seen both in the Institute and on board the Garuda... There's no way Marida could choose to de-condition herself. It has to come from someone who loves her.
"I'm sorry. You were doing what you had to. I don't think anyone can blame you for that." Banagher murmurs. "I know I don't. Not after what I was willing to do on the Garuda."
Golden eyes shimmer in the harsh artificial light. Banagher grabs another tissue. "Okay. If this is your choice, I'd be -- so, so thankful for your help. Knowing someone out there understands what she's going through... It can only be a good thing." Banagher's hands clench. "Leina hates killing. She hates guns. But she still -- she protected me. Us."
"Thank you, Permanence." Banagher's voice is so soft. "You're an incredible person. I can feel --" A hand comes to his heart again, and for the first time, there's a quiet look of peace in the young man's eyes. "We're going to be okay. We're going to bring her home."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"People like that, they play us against each other... and I mean, it works. Back then, I blamed you, right..? I heard what that goddamn woman said, but I blamed you." She's had time to regret it. "That's just how things worked, in Medical... and with these Vist bastards, sounds like." Being turned against each other so habitually --
Well, it informs a lot of the victims which came out of the Institute, really.
She smiles, though, hearing about what Leina has done. "So Ira got her pony, huh? Good for her. She was always pretty creative... I always hoped that meant she'd be able to bounce back, if she got half a chance. She's too young for all this..." Not that the rest of them were old enough for it; there's really no age at which torturing people to forcibly create psychic soldiers becomes permissible. But there's a special level of hell for the scientists who take in subjects that young, she thinks.
She's glad Leina's taking care of her, anyway. Or, at least... she was, before this happened. One can imagine the extensive string of expletives which run through her mind, given that.
"I hope you can get some answers, someday," she says, gently, on the topic of Banagher's father. "It's a real struggle, when it doesn't make sense. No quick answers for that one... sometimes, it's just rough." She could pretend to have a wise answer for him, but either he'd see through the lie or he'd take it as truth, and neither of those will do anything to really help him. Permanence knows that sometimes the best thing you can do is just admit you don't know... especially coming from her environment, where trust was so easy to shatter.
She laughs, though, when he insists she's not old. "Really? Sometimes I feel like I'm pushing eighty. I swear you age three times as fast, in a facility... but thanks, Banagher. That's -- real sweet of you." Sweeter than she can really express, given how she's never much had money of her own, having been treated as equipment throughout her adult life. She grabs another tissue, and dabs at her eyes. "Maybe sometime I'll go back to Moscow, try and find my big sisters... back then, there was a hell of a rift between us. People didn't really know about Newtypes, back then, so they just thought I was a bit of a genius... Provenance and Pursuance worked hard, but I think they were always kind of pissy that their graduation and careers got overshadowed by this kid still in school. They never mentioned them to me later, so I think they're still alive... if they'd died, too, they would've used that just the same." She shakes her head, scrunching the tissue, in a hand. "The Captain's offered to chase them up for me, but I'm still kind of scared... well, I have time." As Banagher says, her life's just starting.
There's always more. The well of human suffering in the Earth Sphere is deep, and rich, and dark; when human lives cost so little against the march of progress, crimes against humanity become a matter of fact. To face what is drawn from that well is horrible. Permanence is... trying, not to expose him just for the sake of horrifying him.
But it's hard to keep it under wraps, entirely, in a conversation like this.
"Me, I've never trusted torturers with moral dilemmas," she says, scowling, "but... how you feel about your half-brother, that's your call to make." She's not going to tell him not to be angry, certainly.
"... just remember that you were really fucking pushed into it," she adds, on the Unicorn. "They never gave you a choice. Would you feel that way about your machine if you didn't have to? Psychoframe, it.... parasitises you, Banagher. Claims you. It makes a hungry ghost of you, and never lets you die. I just don't want you to..." She sighs, gently, and shakes her head. "... but I guess you gotta cope with it how you cope with it," she cuts herself off. "And it's not as if the Unicorn's the only Psychoframe suit in the hangar, here... maybe I'm just carrying too many scars to understand how you kids feel about those machines." Has she had this exact conversation with Rena, about the Gaia Gear? Maybe. Probably. That's a story for another time.
It's so hard for Permanence to imagine anything good coming from those hungry ghosts.
Can Banagher?
She unbunches the tissue, a little, so she can scrub at her eyes again. "They're not just fucking dead, is the whole problem," she insists, her voice at strain. "They're not at rest! Sometimes, when I'm asleep, I still hear them, all at once. So long as that machine's out there... but they can't find it. They can't find it... I'm not going to pretend they can rest while their bones are still aching!" Her shoulders shake, for a moment, as she presses herself into herself.
Quieter: "... sorry. Sorry," she insists, again, grabbing at another tissue, scrubbing at her face. "It's not your fault. You're just trying to help... I shouldn't've gone off at you. I'm okay," she assures him, as she takes another sip of water.
Water is a liquid, as it goes down her throat. The glass is solid. Her breath, against the glass, that's air. It's okay. It's okay.
She listens to him, when he speaks up quietly, and doesn't interrupt, except to say: "It's okay. It's scary. This is scary shit, Banagher." It's normal, to be scared, in this situation. She'd be worried about him if he wasn't.
Permanence tends to largely hear rumours, of course, about people's deployment. But a woman who says, 'Master, Master', as she goes out to fight for him... she can't approve of whatever those circumstances are, even not having pried deeply. For that reason, she's a little sceptical of what Banagher says about Zinnerman never having forced him into anything -- but she keeps her silence about it. They are, after all, their guests.
And to be honest, Permanence has been avoiding that whole contingent, a little.
... she doesn't want to find out she killed someone important to them, given her hand in the Valentines' conflict.
She smiles, though, when Banagher accepts her help. "Not just me," she reminds him. "There's a lot of us who've gone through this shit, or something like it... we gotta stick together. And we'll get her back, okay? We'll get her back, and we'll get her better. I promise -- I'll do everything in my power to make sure you get your shot to drag her back to safety, Banagher. And if you need to take a breath, I'll be right there to catch her, too."
The one thing Permanence has always been able to offer her fellow victims is reassurance that they're not alone; perhaps it's no wonder, now, that she assures Banagher he won't fight alone.
<Pose Tracker> Banagher Links has posed.
"Leina cares so much about people." Banagher says, softly, affection in his eyes. "Especially kids. She's always doing something for someone -- never resting enough, or caring for herself..."
It only got worse after her conditioning. Banagher closes his eyes, hating himself for not noticing.
"Ira's going to be safe. People are watching out for her. And like you said... Kids are resilient. With enough time, I hope -- no, I believe, she's going to live just as happy a life as any other little girl." Remembering the light in Leina's eyes as she described Ira and Rainbow the pony, Banagher manages to smile.
Banagher finishes his water, letting his empty glass float in the low-gravity before them. Tapping it with a finger, he sets it slowly spinning. The young pilot watches it quietly for a moment.
"I hope I do too." He says, quietly, of his father. "But I think I'll be okay if I never find out."
After all, Alberto made it very, very clear that Banagher is not a Vist. As far as Banagher's concerned, his mother was his only family. She's more than enough.
"You have sisters!" Banagher lights up. "They must still be out there. Even if they were jealous back then, there's no way they'd still be that shallow. Especially if they understood everything you've been through. I think -- you should reach out to them." A little pause, as if quieting his enthusiasm. "When you're ready."
Another soft tap to the glass, sending it spinning once more. "Alberto -- my half brother -- told me he wants nothing to do with me, and as far as I'm concerned, that's fine."
But... Alberto had sat with Leina through all her torture. He can't quite bring himself to hate the man, not entirely. Even if all Alberto could do is watch, knowing that there was at least one mitigating factor in her treatment is a relief.
"You sound like you're talking about the Phenex. It's piloted by a ghost." Banagher murmurs. "I'm still alive, at least. But I can't imagine not having the Unicorn in my life. Maybe you're right, Permanence. You're not the first person to tell me they're worried about it, and you would know more than anyone how dangerous these machines are."
"The Phenex, the Banshee... They're both haunted. Maybe I'm tempting fate." Banagher looks troubled, glancing away from his rotating glass back to Permanence. "But until the Box is found, I'm going to keep going out there. There's no other way this will end, and it has to end. I -- can't let anyone else get hurt."
Permanence grows emotional again, and Banagher reaches out, almost touching her arm. It's the closest he can come to comforting her. "I -- have nightmares like that too, from the thing inside the Banshee. It's not the real spirit of the girl they say it is, it's... some twisted thing. It's hurting Leina really, really badly."
"If they're... trapped in that machine... Do you think we could find it? And set them free somehow?" Banagher scoots the tissues closer to Permanence as she reaches for them. "I wonder if destroying it would be enough, or if we need some kind of -- spiritual thing. There must be a way to find it. Once the Box is sealed, I'll help you. We'll make sure they can rest."
It's a promise made so easily, but Banagher says the words with sincerity. Banagher shakes his head as Permanence apologizes again. "It's okay. It's amazing you're doing as well as you are, knowing... that thing is out there."
"Thank you." A fragile little smile. "Knowing I won't be alone helps so much. I haven't wanted to tell people everything Leina's been put through. It feels like a violation of her privacy, and she's really, really serious about that kind of thing. But you understand. I don't have to say anything at all, and you know -- how bad it is." Banagher's smile breaks, and he sobs out a breath. "That's such a relief."
It's his turn to take another tissue, now, wiping his eyes gently.
"I'm so grateful. Thank you -- thank you. So many people love Leina, and we're going to need everyone. I know we can do this." Determination steels him, making his voice strong. "I'm not alone, and neither is she."
<Pose Tracker> Permanence Pasternak has posed.
"It's not your fault," Permanence underlines, again, gently. That Leina pushes herself so hard? That Banagher never noticed the full extent?
It's not hard to guess he's bothered, either way.
"Good," she smiles, hearing about Ira. "I should track down Amit and Prima, too, see how they're going... they're around your age, so it still would've been tough." Amit -- needed intensive therapy, after the extended isolation they were putting him through. Prima... needed her own specialised interventions, given her training as an assassin.
Who knows? Perhaps they'll go back to school, one day.
"I haven't seen them for over twenty years... I guess I feel like I'll fuck up their lives, coming into it. But... I don't know. Maybe." She smiles, though it's a shade wan. "Heh heh... if you're going to goad me on this much, I'll put you up to coming with me. Then you'll really be sorry." It's funny, because she wouldn't really demand a teenager take responsibility for her torrent of emotions like that. She's just giving him a hard time.
It's funny when it's hypothetical, like that.
With a stab of confusion: "The Phenex? No, I'm talking about Ypotryll," Permanence sighs. "Just... keep an eye on your 'I can'ts', and your 'no other ways', there." A boy, forced to one path of action...
She looks at the Unicorn, and sees shackles.
She takes a breath, and feels something like warmth or electricity or emotion, coming from Banagher's fingertips. "If it's not a ghost, in there, then what's twisted up?" She wonders, scowling.
Banagher helps with the tissues, and Permanence appreciates it, even if he can't much pat her arm right now. "It must be destroyed," she insists, voice shaking though she manages to lower it. "They built it from their bones, so that fucking -- Oldtypes would be able to kill a little better, that's it, that's the whole reason! So long as that machine's out there... so long as it's out there, they won't stop screaming --" She shakes her head, and swallows, against the lump in her throat. "I don't... I don't know exactly what they need. If you can find the survivors from Flanagan... I heard that's where EXAM started. Ypotryll's not the same, it can't be, but it was built from that research. So -- so maybe they'd know more, I don't know... and thanks, I mean," she wipes at her eyes again, "it's really kinda shitty of me to put all this on you, when you're doing so bad, but you're -- you're a good kid, you know?"
She scooches the box of tissues over to him, when he sobs out a breath. "Yeah," she tells him, gently. "I get it. And she's lucky to have you on her side, you know that, right? Look at you. You're a genuine, caring, open kind of guy... if she's got you with her, I think she'll be alright."
She makes a note to give the poor kid a hug when they're both a little less... overtly emotional.
"Yeah... it might take some time, but she'll be alright."