2023-05-28: Beyond the Boundary of Words
- Log: Beyond the Boundary of Words
- Cast: Arriety Hearn, Eight York, BC-001 Minae
- Where: Ra Mari II, Residential Quarter
- OOC - IC Date: 28th May UC 97
- Summary: Arriety searches for Eight and Minae for an important talk...
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety's searching for Eight and... well, Minae as well, at about the same time, roughly a full day after Dakar; she's surprisingly hasn't locked herself in her room with alcohol like she's so often done in the last couple of months, but she definitely doesn't look like she's become better. As Minae's noted, she's been deteriorating on multiple fronts from some level; she's always tense, withdrawn, not approaching people. Her duties as assistant chef have been going by the wayside, and she's preferred long-range patrols -- just to be alone for longer periods of time.
Today, it feels like something's going to change... for the better? She's not sure. She's not finding better days to come, in Minae's words, like this. She's cleaned her wounds and blood from the Dakar engagement and is in another big jacket, with another turtleneck and pants.
She has a coloured paper slip in her hand.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight is not terribly hard to find on the ship, but it does require the right approach. Looking here in the residential block is a good option. Arriety will find Eight walking back from one of the gardens when she finds her. In uniform, the Captain is thoughtful, but her thinking is interrupted by the way that she senses Arriety close by. So she turns, and--
"Arriety," Eight says. SHe's been worried about her, to say the least; how long can things go on as they've gone on? Not much longer, to be sure. It's dangerous.
...But there's soemthing different...
She glances to the slip, and back to Arriety. "You're up and about."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae is not the sort of person to keep to herself - even in the wake of the events in Dakar she's still spent the last day in her capacity as a nurse, helping with pilot injuries both physical and mental. The fact she might have partially rebooted in the cockpit of the Zeta is not something she's dismissing with ease, but the advantage of being powered by a G-Stone is a remarkable ability to bounce back.
But she's also very good at compartmentalizing her thoughts, and even as she works she's going over a multitude of worries in her head. Arriety's downwards spiral, Callisto's mental state, whatever might have happened to Akane and Leina... she doesn't have any answers for any of them. Faced with such serious and very immediate concerns, it almost feels insensitive to be her usual self, and platitudes don't feel like they're going to cut it. She's a long way from a 3G medical institute or a peaceful little colony.
She hasn't had the luxury of focusing in on Arriety, nor does she want to smother the pilot - but she can't help but be nearby, and the meeting with Eight is a chance to-- a chance to-- she's not sure. A chance for something to change, or some words that desperately need to be exchanged to be exchanged.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety looks like she's facing a lot of pressure right now. Her fractured psyche -- which has slowly just been fraying more and more, on that psychic layer -- is evidently very tight and wound up; though one doesn't need to be a Newtype with how it reads on her face. At least she's clean, and doesn't smell of liquor. She hesitates.
"Hey, Eight. Um... is now a good time? It's both personal and... well, partly on the clock stuff too," she murmurs. A pause. It feels like the horse's bolted, with that. She nods. "I wasn't injured too badly..." Physically, anyway. What she saw -- what everyone saw -- was a shock.
She hesitates, and then just pushes through: "I'm... thinking of transferring. To the Nadesico."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight has had a lot to think about, herself. What happened with Leina; Callisto going missing. Arriety. ...Arriety is obviously at the forefront of her thoughts at th moment, considering. But she notices Minae nearby, and...
Seh doesn't smell of liquor. That's good.
"Sure," Eight answers of it being a good time. "Hm? Well, work can be personal," she says. She does regard rriety again, because--well, frankly, she isn't sure Arriety wouldn't downplay injuries. But what they saw was a shock...
"Oh." Eight blinks; of all the things she expected...
"Tell me about it," Eight asks.
Leina Ashta (Leina) has paged Arriety Hearn and Eight York with, 'Hey hey, mind an observer?'
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae almost hesitates at the first sight of Arriety and Eight talking. Most of her processing tells her that there's no way she would be intruding, not after everything that's happened - but something in her chest makes her pause for just an instant before the rest of her propels her forwards. "Ah-ri, Eight," she smiles faintly as she calls to them both, a little subdued but still relieved to see them both standing.
Minae obviously picks up on Eight's worries, because she can still find it in herself to be a little cheeky at Arriety's expense. "It's true. Perhaps not exactly a full bill of health, and she should really not be moving around too much when she has bandages on, but Ah-ri's doing well enough to be walking around," she reports. She's about to say more--
--when Arriety reveals her request, and even Minae has to take several seconds to stop dead and consider that. As requests go, it's not one she ever considered - up until now, Arriety's focus has been almost entirely on staying with and protecting her childhood friends. She's silent, quietly realigning her thoughts.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Uuugh.
Arriety wants to go back to before the horse bolted. The everything after the mic-drop; the 'things have been said' wasn't that bad at first, but then it got *bad* in the next two seconds. Shouldn't she first talk about Leina? Shouldn't she ask where Callisto is? Shouldn't she be searching for her? There are problems that need solutioning! Solutioning. Listen to yourself talk, Arriety.
"... ... I'm not healing here," is what she goes with, walking towards a set of couches to sit down on. Residential area; it's pretty private at this hour.
"I should've done something a month ago, even two; I just let it fester and fester. Then when the coping got too hard..." The drinks came in. "I didn't know what to say... it's not like I didn't want to help, when you were dealing with pregnancy issues. Still dealing. I don't regret helping. But the guilt got worse and worse... at not being able to admit..."
A pause, as she stares up towards the artificial ceiling, which is rendering a shade of comforting warm light at the moment.
"... I wasn't happy."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Minae's reassurance is good. Eight wishes she didn't have to rely on it, though. She smiles at her anyway, and then looks to Arriety, as she finally explains... and Eight walks with her, to those couches. The privacy is good; these are important things to talk about. So Eight listens.
"I do appreciate that help," she says. But the guilt...
Eight nods. "There's something wrong, all right. It's untenable. To be honest... I've thought about if we'd have to ground you, with the drinking." She pauses. "But... I think you're right. You're not; I can see it. But you don't have to be guilty for not being happy. There's no... magic solution, where you should just deal with it all."
"Do you think transferring would make you happier?"
"...Do you think it would help, to face those feelings?"
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
The nature of being a robot means that Minae tends to only make human-like tics of motion when she actually remembers to. Her mind is spinning through possibilities and thoughts around the situation, and it's a couple of seconds before she catches herself and actually puts on a show of thinking rather than staring blankly into the middle distance.
"It's alright to feel that way," she promises as the absolute first thing, walking over to sit next to Arriety on one side and gently pat her shoulder. "And it's alright to recognize if a situation isn't for you. This doesn't undo all - or any - of the work you've done trying to support the others." They're the most important assurances she can give, she knows; a foundation for everything afterwards to build on top of.
"... um," she adds, knowing she's about to say something that clashes with her own image as the purely helpful, optimistic counsellor. But part of her own growth is learning who 'Minae' is, and where one ends and the other begins. "And I should really say 'you have nothing to feel guilty about in trying to push through this for so long', but... I was getting very worried."
Her eyes flick to Eight. Her expression turns more solemn; she's obviously evaluating the suggestion in her head, but also studying the other woman's first impression of it. The questions she asks are encouraging, at least, and it helps remind her that her own evaluation of the situation needs to be forthright if they're going to find a way to progress forwards.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Minae's reassurance is good. Arriety's the type to immediately discard every inch of progress she's made if she faltered in the end. As to whether it's okay to feel that way, though...
"... I can't be grounded right now. No matter what else, I have to keep fighting. It's the only thing that means anything to me right now," Arriety murmurs. "Fighting to get Leina back. Akane back. Callisto... I don't know where she is. Finding a solution that lets us drive the biggest wedge into the gears of the system letting everything slide right now."
She's rubbing at her eyebrows, then at her temples. She still has a headache.
"I don't know if anything'd make me happier, right now. But I wasn't going to do it without being honest about everything, before I go."
She looks to Eight, then to Minae, then to Eight again.
"... I said multiple times I was okay, when we broke up, but I never really was. Everything started from there. Every little devil-whisper: if only I was more mature, more grown-up, more attractive, less... less asexual, whatever. There's a thousand little different excuses and they're all the same." Are they, though?
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight notices when Minae forgets. She doesn't comment, but she notices. She nods, as Minae gives those assurances, and then the matter of the guilt... Well. They were both getting very worried, Eight makes clear. Her impression, to look at her face, is not one of rejection--she just wanted more information. And as it turns out...
The only thing that means anything... That worries Eight more of course. "Then we need to find a solution," she says, as friend and Captain both. But...
"Being honest is good."
She looks between the two--and then back at Arriety. She was never okay... and those whispers.
"...I see." She nods, then. "I understand. ...But..." More mature? More grown-up? "...Maybe some of those things could've made a difference, maybe not. But what it ultimately boils down to is, 'If you were someone else, would it have worked out?' and... maybe. Maybe not. But you weren't, and you aren't. You're you. I care about the 'you' that is, not the 'you' that you aren't."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae's expression doesn't fall, but she doesn't necessarily seem terribly enthused at Arriety's estimation of her options right now either. It's important for her not to discount the pilot's feelings on the matter, and of course it's alright for Arriety to want to fight if that's her choice. Where she worries is in the finality, the fatalistic nature of the statement.
Even if it's true that fighting is the only thing that means anything to Arriety right now, there's always a chance to find something else that does. It's her job to hold out that hope, she feels.
Minae isn't equipped to chastise Arriety for not telling the truth about her reaction to the break up. She's not really able to evaluate Eight's response to it either, not on the spot without a long period to examine her own thoughts. She falls back to silence, making sure to listen fully to both sides and take their views on board. It's a complex thing that she's well aware she can't approach with logic, but-- something inside her makes her speak up.
"You were both trying to look out for each other a little too much. I think it might be a little too easy, in this situation, to go 'I'll just stay quiet for their sake.' Um, I probably shouldn't recommend a shouting match, but..."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
A solution. Yes, they need to find a solution. "I'm not so trigger-happy to know I can solve this on my own. None of us can. The neurotoxin, how to work around the law, how to work around money and the systems... it'll take every talent in the Three Ships Alliance -- and our allies -- to resolve this..."
But when it comes time for a hammer to drop, she has to be there.
She looks just a bit more sober as she pulls up on her couch, sits up straight. "... but I don't care about the 'me' that is. I know you care, but that just makes it hurt more. What did it amount..." And there's where Minae's reminder comes into play, that just because it didn't work out, doesn't mean it amounted to nothing.
She pauses mid-sentence, then glances to the view again. Trying to look out for each other a little too much... maybe that's true.
"I don't know if a transfer is just running away, like I've run away from so many things, or if it's just distance to heal. It could be either, but... at least there are other people who know and can provide care, on that ship. Ruri, Omoikane, Miss Howmei, the girls... it's not like I'm transferring to some random Federation ship full of suits."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"I meant 'a solution to your problem', too. ...But that's also true. We need everything we can use." That includes pilots, of course. They will almost certainly have to fight. Still... Eight looks sad, when Arriety saysshe doesn't care. What did it amount to? "..." At least Minae is there, to speak up. "...No, but talking it out might help," Eight tells Minae.
"I think it would be distance to heal," Eight says. "What we're doing right now isn't working. And you're right. They're our friends. Your friends."
"...I don't think you're going to be able to be happy until you can learn to care about yourself," Eight says carefully. "Maybe a new space will help you there."
"...It hurts," she says. "To hear that you don't care. But I'm glad you can finally tell me, anyway."
"...Assuming that Minae and Medical clear you," Eight says, "I'm going to approve the transfer. I'm satisfied that you've thought it through. ...And I'll be relying on them, to take care of you."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Watching Arriety sag in her seat, it's another of those times that Minae really wishes she had much more sense of her own heart and her own growth. Can she say for sure who the 'Minae' of now is? If she could, would that help her have the right words to answer Arriety's worries? (Of course not, part of her adds; this is not a situation where there's just an answer ready and waiting.)
Romantic affection is something she can only experience from a distance, like watching through a pane of glass. She knows that there's a line to be drawn between it and familial affection, but how to identify that line or how it feels to step back and forth over it is still beyond her. It feels too detached to speak up, but she chooses to anyway, reaching over to hug around the pilot's shoulders. "It's still an important experience. It's part of what makes you 'you' going forwards."
She feels like she has more to say and even winces a little when Eight says 'it hurts' - there's a protective streak in her chest she didn't expect to find there. It doesn't seem fair that it's taken so long to open the channels of communication only to have that be the first response, but Minae knows this isn't a situation that has an easy or a quick answer, and that it'll be raw in the meantime. Something tells her that this is not her place to speak up... which is a little ironic, given what she just said.
Her expression is tight as she frowns. There's an implicit question in Eight's last comment. "... on the face of it, I think it's worth trying. The ships are tightly integrated enough that it shouldn't affect operations, but I think there's an implicit difference between the Ra Mari and the Nadesico. The Ra Mari is primarily a military battleship, the Nadesico a civilian one. I think that's reflected in their crew and outlooks: that might make for a positive change."
"... I'd like to transfer as well, in that case. It won't affect my work with the Alliance - I'm not exactly someone who really operates much on the physical level anyway. I can continue to use the facilities you've provided here. I just mean-- off periods, I suppose."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Eight thinks it's distance to heal. What they're doing now... isn't working. That much is clear, of course. But what she says next... ...
It's not that she didn't want to hear it. It's not that she doesn't agree with it. But she doesn't miss the way Eight has to... carefully craft that, like there's... so much more she could've said, perhaps things not worth saying, perhaps things that're unhelpful, perhaps things that would lead them down a distraction... she doesn't know, but...
It's the barrier of words...
...
When did they, as children who had trouble with words, who spent hours communing in psychic presence with each other with no words, end up hedging each other out with words?
It's adulthood, Arriety resolves privately to herself. This is the scary reality of adulthood.
"... I don't think so either," Arriety resolves, less privately. "But I also think happiness isn't something you aim for, rather... something that just comes out as a byproduct of doing things... trying to chase after happiness is as fuzzy and unfocused as fighting just 'for peace', 'for justice'."
It hurts Eight, to hear that she doesn't care. It maybe hurts Eight more than it hurts herself, on a conscious level, because self-loathing is, as Arriety discovered, really, really, really cheap. It hardly takes any effort.
She's going to approve the transfer... and that she's satisfied she's thought it through. "... yeah. Thank you."
She feels Minae's hands around her, and Arriety blinks once at the Super AI's reaction. If everything she does makes her 'her', can she ever truly escape herself? (She's glad a mirror isn't around for Myrme to taunt her, right now.)
"I don't think that's entirely fair... Eight's done so much work to make the Ra Mari II more of a home than before. ... it's not because this ship isn't homey, or lacks people I like..." she feels like she's just spilling things out right now, though.
She's surprised to hear Minae would like to transfer, though. "... you sure?"
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight is always being careful with her words, anymore. She knows how much weight they have. Like it or not, she can't return to the days when she was just 'Eight'. Her name means more than that now. Everything she does has ripples...
Eight is glad Minae doesn't let herself be too detached. An important experience...
"Fair enough," Eight says of happiness. "It's not really my place to tell you how to feel. But I do care. And I hope that you can, eventually, too."
Eight looks between the two. "...The civilian atmosphere might be a good change," she agrees, and smiles at Arriety. "I appreciate that," she says. "But just because it's homey, doesn't mean it's working for you. I understand. And I want you to be happy."
But Minae... That doesn't surprise Eight nearly as much as it seems to Arriety.
"Granted," Eight says. "I hope you can look after one another where I can't."
<Pose Tracker> BC-001 Minae has posed.
Minae still has only the most fledgling of access to the space beyond that barrier of words; it is perhaps her biggest failing as a counsellor, and one that will take time yet for her to rectify and move past. She wonders sometimes if a heart powered by bravery would be so much easier to awaken - but if she had one of those, she simply wouldn't be Minae any more. She can have that much pride in herself.
She surprises herself a little as she hugs Arriety, and she's fairly quick to let go. It's not that she's embarrassed, just-- she was literally just worrying about crowding Arriety. Analyzing that impulse can come later. "I know, but that's not what I mean," she nods instead. "The Ra Mari II is a much more livable space that I ever would have expected, and I think Eight's modifications to it are very welcome. But we came to it in a time of war, a time that was very difficult for you, and that can leave an impression."
"I'm sure," the robot adds with a smile. "It's not like I can't just pilot a shuttle between the two ships if I need to be physically in my office, and a lot of the time I can just work remotely. I was thinking that, if anything, we should try to revive the feeling of our apartment back in Londenium. Ah-- unless you think you need a break from a fussy robot," she adds, mischief in her expression.
That fades away rapidly as Eight speaks, and Minae is the first one to deeply frown and hold up a hand. "Please don't say that," she requests solemnly. "It's not healthy for you, and I don't think it's healthy for Arriety to hear it either. Looking after each other isn't a duty to be failed, and it isn't something that you either succeed or fail at with nothing in-between. We know you've been looking out for us in the way you think is best, and that you'll continue to do so. What Arriety is doing is one part of a whole. It doesn't remove you from the picture, and it's not the end of anything for good either."