2023-04-25: .and i consumed you, rusalkA
- Log: .and i consumed you, rusalkA
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Alma Stirner
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-04-25
- Summary: Yuliana talks to Alma about what she did, pretending to slip back into Londo Bell's ranks. Alma's worries lead into Yuliana's, though -- and she tells Alma a great deal about how her relationship with her wife, and her relationship with the world, really works. Alma could never use the information to hurt her, after all. (CW: Brainwashing/abuse)
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
OST: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CzbSz2wN_bw Florence + The Machine - Prayer Factory
Yuliana Kafim, internationally wanted for Federation questioning, is currently committing the most grievous sin of all:
Gunpla.
She's the worst, all right.
The Silent Castle's South Wing features all the most comfortable living spaces; this sitting room, for instance, with a table which has been commandeered to set up a scaled-down replica model of a Tiandong 3. There are paints! There are also itty-bitty screwdrivers and several screws and hinges all collected on magnetised sheets, because no one can ever accuse Yuliana of doing things by halves.
She's wearing a pair of glasses with stepped magnification and a light at the side, which isn't just a tool for making ridiculously elaborate models, but certainly has applications here too. She picks up her soldering iron -- because obviously she's also brought a soldering iron in here, and if you're wondering who she got the power to run it from in this medieval landscape, don't worry about it -- to fix a teeny-tiny heat sink, and she presses the hot tip into damp sponge once it's all formed together.
"Haaa," Yuliana sighs, as she straightens up, and moves off to the side, to grab her cup of bubble tea and sip it through the festive green straw. Of course they have people who can make bubble tea in here, because Yuliana wanted it at one point, and what Yuliana wants she gets.
It's a pretty good day!
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
Alma... has her Federation credentials, still, and she's sorting through how she feels about it. Officially, after the Nega Force got burned, she was placed on extended administrative leave. They even let her pilot in defense of the...
... former...
... Councilor in Charge of Settlement Issues.
That particular element of her most recent mission, though, she doesn't care about at all -- and immediately, she used her status as 'Londo Bell irregular forces' to sulk off to the Silent Castle. She is not having a terribly good day, unlike Yuliana -- which means, naturally, she seeks out someone to comfort. Hopefully, in the process, she'll get the chance to feel more comfortable herself.
When she enters the sitting room Yuliana's set up in, Alma notices she's hard at work. "Yulie...?" she starts, quietly, doing her absolute best not to startle her. She's feeling a little needy, but if Yuliana doesn't want company, well... she'll deal with it herself.
She cranes her neck slightly, trying to peek at Yuliana's model without getting too close without permission. "What's that?" she asks. It's not really her style of project, so she's not recognizing it on sight at this stage of development.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Ah, Rusalka!" Yuliana says, putting her drink and her misgivings down. She... sounds like she's in a good mood, anyway. It can be hard to tell, these days -- Yuliana's been a lot more emotionally labile since Dr. Kafim altered her medication regime to wean her off a lot of the drugs the REA were using to keep her controllable, and lowering the doses of the ones she needed as a result. But then, Yuliana's mood swing has always had an utterly precarious range, so in the end... isn't she more of her genuine self, this way?
(Her genuinely frightening self.)
Right now, at least, she's smiling. "It's a model wanzer!" She says, waving Alma over. "A Tiandong 3 -- you might not recognise it without its armour hull," she's even nice enough to offer Alma an out, looking at that strange scaffolding of metal and wires. "Well, and I made a few improvements, anyway," she adds, scratching at a cheek, with a loose shrug. That explains why nothing quite like this has ever shown up in a storefront.
She slips her glasses off, shutting off the torchlight and folding them on the table as she gestures Alma over to the sitting room's couches, anyway. (Obviously it has places to lounge. It's a sitting room.) One black tendril pats the seat, as she settles down, too. "But come, come -- your infiltration went well? They caused you no problems? We were worried about you, you know." She's lying to Alma's face, because Yuliana only thought about it the one time, and she doubts Elisa even did that much. But how would she tell, silent as it is? She sounds honest enough, and it really is a nice diversion to get invested in her life for a moment. "How did it go?"
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
Ah, great! She's already in a good mood -- Rusalka wouldn't want to be a bring-down, but at the same time, she doesn't want to upset Yuliana while her mood is good, either... maybe she should just try her best to enjoy Yuliana's good time with her.
"It's really detailed! I could never be that precise with something that small... even my cake decorating skills are kinda so-so," she admits, with a laugh. It's obvious that she's straining to remain fun, but she is making the effort, at the same time. "The frame is already really impressive..."
She does in fact head over toward the couch as she's gestured to do so, taking a seat and doing her best to get comfortable with Yuliana. She never really feels right around her, but by the same token, she is getting a lot closer to feeling comfortable. "... things went so bad though! Things went so bad though." She lets out a huffy sigh, explaining, "You might have seen on the news that the mission was a failure -- I mean, I don't really care what happens to the Federation Assembly, so it's not that that's the problem. There were just... so many people, and it was the place I met Lilith for the first time, and everyone kept pulling me all these different ways, and one of my earrings got cracked while Char was attacking me..."
She curls over forward, unable to quite hide her sadness and frustration. "Everyone out there is just -- so much, all of them want all this stuff from me..." This has progressed to whining, at this point.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Ah, but they're delicious, so that's fine," Yuliana's in a good enough mood to celebrate Alma's cakes, even! Alma is definitely the best baker in the Castle, at least of those people who aren't in uniforms which make them blend in with the stonework.
(She's probably tasted Parminder's baking by now. It might have been even more disappointing if she'd tasted his curries beforehand, because his cooking is pretty good. Man just can't bake a muffin to save his life. Wen insists he's getting better, but Wen literally has no taste.)
Yuliana tilts her head, as Alma tells her how it went. (Bad. It went bad.) "Mm," she hums recognition, when she suggests she might have seen the news. She has, of course. What she cares about more is Alma's context for the failure, though, and -- her cracked jewellery, evidently, as her green eyes narrow just so.
"You poor dear," Yuliana says, and her tone at least is soothing, as she shifts closer to sit beside Alma. One of those horrible things which aren't entirely snakes curls around her back to rest its black -- claws? jaws? -- on her opposite shoulder, gently. "So it's always been a place where people have demanded too much of you... and you had to fight that Aznable, of all people!" It's at least her actual hand which reaches over to find Alma's, to cradle it, gently, in hers.
"And he broke your earring, too... he's such a wretched man. Don't you worry, Rusalka," she gives her hand a supportive little squeeze. "I'll make sure he gets what's coming to him. And we'll get you some new earrings, all right? I'm so glad you told me." She would be; it would be a problem for them, if Alma started shattering her jewellery.
It would be a problem, wouldn't it?
Elisa's taking care of everything, after all.
"It sounds like an utterly confounding situation," Yuliana sympathises, "but you got back safe. That's what's most important. Sometimes... it can be baffling, out there," she sighs, glancing down to Alma's fingertips. "People can say such awful things... but you're safe, here." Yes, she's safe, here.
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
Praise! Rusalka takes it brightly, agreeing, "I don't know if it's perfect yet... even now that I managed to meet up with Mia again it's not quite coming together. But if you say it's good I'm happy..." There's that classic Alma grin returning, at least. (Yuliana isn't the only one whose mood is getting uncontrollable...)
She can't stay animated for long, as they talk about Alma's last outing. "That other Psychoframe machine acted like it wanted me to be its mother, and it's just... oh, Yulie, everyone out there demands so much, just like you said."
At this point, the not-snakes barely even register. They're just part of Yuliana, and Rusalka's devotion to Yuliana and Elisa still outstrips everything else -- even if her resolve is starting to waver out there in the outside world... Well, what else is there for her?
Alma finally fishes the earring -- still worn -- out of her right ear. Sure enough, the stone is cracked clean through. "The choker and the other earring are still fine," she says, brightly. "I'm glad you're not mad... I really treasure that stuff!"
Cuddling up to Yuliana, she agrees, "I'm always safe with you," with a slightly placid smile. "I was so scared when that awful woman was going to take you away from me -- it's really been just a horrible year, hasn't it?" (Does she mean Devi, or Lilith?)
(... she'd actually struggle with the question, if asked.) "Anita seems worried about me... ugh, but those horrible women are always hovering over her shoulder. She's way too kind. I don't get why she hangs out with them."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Some things never work quite right," Yuliana assures her. "It's all right. You can't be expected to do everything." She is assuring her, isn't she? "It's still marvellous cake," and surely she is.
But -- the other Psychoframe machine, she says, and a frown crosses over Yuliana's features as she places just what one would call Alma mother. "It doesn't know what it wants," she assures her, with a stab of bitterness. "Or what's good for it. Put it out of your mind -- there's nothing you can do." That lost Puru, haunting that machine...
Their mother is hers, now. Let the Banshee retrieve her, here at the seat of of Yuliana's power, if it's really so important.
Her lip curls, and she gives no words to the malice in her heart.
Yuliana's expression shofts to concern, though, as Alma shows her the earring. "How horrible!" She exclaims, with that same sympathy. "Char Aznable is really an unforgivable man... it's all right. I'll not let him get away with it." Well, she won't let him get away with this, either, anyway. It is somewhere on the list of unforgivable acts.
"It has been," she agrees, eyes drifting closed for a moment. (It's a hard question, isn't it?) But she can't look away from that horror forever, so she smiles to Alma, instead. "They've really misled her," she explains, not unkindly. "It's difficult to watch her say all those things about standing with them, knowing she's so disadvantaged, isn't it? But it's all right, Rusalka. We will set it to rights, and she'll not be so deprived, soon enough." Peace and equality for all... well, that's what they're preaching, anyway.
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
Yuliana tells Rusalka to let go of her concerns about a machine that would call her mother, and after a moment, she pushes that all the way out of her mind. It takes a little effort this time -- and it's clear she's still troubled. "You're right," she affirms, softly. "It's not like I could fight against it, anyway... it was on the Federation's side in this stuff, anyway."
Just what side is Alma on at this point? Even she doesn't really know, in her heart of hearts -- she always saw these things as something that divides humanity from its shared soul, but the clarity that came with that understanding... that's not quite present, or at least not in the same way, now.
She'll let Yuliana handle the matter of her damaged earring, now. She and Elisa have always been good to her -- and they have more to talk about.
"It's the worst," Alma huffs, childishly, flopping a little tighter against Yuliana. "She showed up after another meeting the other day... it was nice to talk, but I really do hate the way she just -- ugh, she's like their dog." Her irritation spikes as she asks, "How do they even tolerate it? Winding these people around their fingers like that..."
She realizes she's tripping into something, and adds, "N-not like what Dr. Kafim does! I like the staff around here!" It's clear expressing that makes her anxious, though, from the way she makes herself just a bit smaller next to Yuliana.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"The Federation does so love making their monsters," the Federation's monster scowls.
She's not on the Federation's side, any more; if Alma needs to be more confused, that's of course fine, but all the forgiveness in her heart's burned away. For so long she fought to keep Elisa from destroying the REA. Now, she and Parminder make games out of who can subvert the online discourse fastest, or in the funniest way.
They made a saboteur, and she works.
She'll get Alma another earring, of course -- but first, debriefing. That horrible black tendril coils around Alma, as she flops against her side, holding her to her even as she holds her hand. "How awful," she sympathises, and doesn't have much time to figure out the rest of her approach --
Alma's tripping right over something, after all, and her fingers tighten around Alma's. "Mm," she hums, frowning. "It's... so nice to have people here to attend to everything. They're so... helpful..."
A shudder passes through her arms, through her hands; her lips twist in another frown. "But then," she supposes, distantly, "you wouldn't say anything if I said anything else, would you? Yes, even if you went out there... there's no way you could betray my confidence. You're such a good girl, after all..." But what else could she say, with such distempered muttering?
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
"Ahah... Zeon's not really any better," Alma concedes, scratching at her cheek. "It feels like that's just kinda how things happen... it's really horrible, but it feels so hard to stop, too." What does she even say to that?
Pulled in tighter by that tendril, Alma agrees, "Everyone here is really helpful!" But... when she notices that shudder, she catches herself. She's about to gush about what a good job Dr. Kafim does in keeping this place so well-appointed, but it's clear that it's Yuliana's turn to be bothered by something.
She sits mutely for several seconds. It's not really Rusalka's place to interrupt her when she's thinking aloud like this, even if it is about whether-and-what Yuliana might do next in the conversation. With a slightly awkward but very earnest smile, she prompts, "Of course I wouldn't! Yulie, if there's something bothering you, you can tell me anything." Her hands fold in her lap comfortably, and she agrees, "Anything at all. I don't want you to feel like you can't express yourself..."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"We'll take care of it," Yuliana assures Alma, on the topic of all those atrocities. "In the revelation to come, there will be no more need to forge weapons from the flesh of men."
It is not from men their weapons come, though as fuel, they suffice.
For now, anyway.
Anyway.
Yuliana is of course the first to gush about Elisa's accomplishments; perhaps that's why her hand releases Alma's, to grasp at her own arm, instead. "Of course," she agrees, easily.
"Of course." The same words, but they're colder, the second time, as if she's stepped outside without putting on a cloak. (It's terribly chilly, out there, even if the fireplace makes things comfortable in here.) "A doll like you could say nothing else. Cheh... no one would ever raise a word against me. Shallow and superficial -- it's a wonder I don't turn the lot of you off walking by!" Her voice raises, as she grasps herself, tightly.
Unfortunately, it's the same impulse which controls all her limbs, so that tentacle's holding Alma here just the same.
"Do you know how -- how alienating it is?! There's always people here, but so often I'm alone! All I have is Elya... Elya, and my men, and there's already nothing but rocks in your brain!" Which at least means she's including Alma in her squad. Isn't that nice? (Nothing about her is nice.) "Once they know me, no one wants to know me... how horrid am I, that my wife's forced to hollow men out to make sure they won't betray me?!"
She lifts a hand, but it's just so she can bury her face in it. "Of course I was impressed by her power... it's not as if I've never indoctrinated a prisoner myself, so of course I know how hard it is, and she makes it look so effortless. But -- I was always disgusted by those machine-prompt people -- oh, I guess I was disgusted by myself. I didn't know the Republic did as much to me... I didn't."
Did Elisa know?
Yuliana thinks of this, and then, quickly, doesn't.
"I'm so ungrateful," she sobs into her hand, instead. "I couldn't trust anyone, so my dearest zhenushka made sure they'd never hurt me... but I'm always damaging them, because they're always getting on my nerves! Will nothing make me happy?! Anything I want, my Elya gets for me, and then I'm -- I'm such a moody wretch about it! Even though she's always trying to do things for me..! All of this -- for me!"
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
In a place full of people, yet so alone... Alma tries to think very hard about whether she can truly relate to it. She cants her head a little, even as Yuliana begins to shout. "Yulie..." she starts, remaining comfortably held by that tentacle. She doesn't protest at the notion she has nothing but rocks in her brain -- but her head hangs a bit as she's told it, nevertheless.
(Does she need to become something more, for Yuliana's sake...?)
Yuliana talks about the process of hollowing men out for her sake -- by herself, and by Elisa. Alma just listens, mutely. It's something that could've happened to her, too, she realizes, had the war gone on longer, or the Flanagan Institute turned for the worse... she's relieved to have control of herself.
"I don't think that's ungrateful...?" she offers, tentatively. She tries to trace every step of this and it's honestly a little beyond her, right now. "Things would be so much better if things didn't have to be this way... it's not wrong to wish that that already happened."
It's the best she can offer, in her present state. After all, she wouldn't dare defy Dr. Kafim. (... why does she feel that way?)
(... it's probably not important.)
"You're not horrid, either..." she coos. "The world's just not meant for you. That's why you're working so hard to change it, right...?"
She offers Yuliana a tentative smile. This much, at least, makes sense -- this much is the world she wants to make. ... right? "And I don't mind being a doll! I made so many bad decisions when I... wasn't?"
Her brow furrows. Something about this is off. But what can she do about it? She can --
"You're worth all of this stuff! All of it, Yulie," Rusalka enthuses. "And I think I should go make you a cake about it! That's how we got started down this whole track, right?" ... it nags at her in a way she feels it oughtn't, but... maybe getting herself doing something will ease the feeling.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"You're... you're right," Yuliana sighs, curling into herself. "Elya would never find fault in me, either... I really must stop acting like I've done something wrong."
The reason they all say they must care for her is because it is Elisa's will. That's why she said it, too.
Yes, everything has been prepared for her.
Here -- at the centre of the universe.
(Her universe.)
"This world... it doesn't suit me," she repeats, hand lowering. Her fingers curl; her eyes surely focus on her wedding band. (It's a little hard to tell.) "Yes... that's why they keep betraying me. There's little more they can do, clutched by the poison of this existence. Yes..."
She can't quite manage to smile, though, as she assures the space beside Alma: "Oh, you're such a sweet thing."
"But there's really nothing but rocks in your head, you know."
"We got started like this because I wanted to ruin you."
"If I weren't such a spiteful woman... Elya would have done nothing to you."
"But then," she sighs, coming back to herself, looking aside to that crackling fireplace, "I suppose that's true of many things. She never cared terribly much either way before I got involved... so it seems I gave her all my malice in the marriage."
She blinks, against tears, as if she's the one being hurt. "And now we've come so far together... there's no way we can turn back now. Oh, I feel like I'm laughing as I drive right for a wall again... no one understood why I did that, either."
A beat, and she adds: "I just wanted to destroy myself. Tear it all down... I can't stand hurting on the inside."
Is that why she wanted to break Alma, too?
That's one explanation.
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
Yuliana curls into herself, and Alma watches for some cue on whether to push toward her or pull away; when she doesn't quite get either -- when she notices Yuliana talking to the space beside her rather than her, but addressing her nevertheless -- she just sits there, mute, hands remaining in her lap.
"Exactly," she agrees, as Yuliana comes to a conclusion that seems to soothe her, and then keeps talking. She wanted to -- what? "That's... not how I remember it," Alma protests, weakly -- but it must be so, Yulie wouldn't lie to her...
Sorting out her feelings, she spots those tears, and her anxiety starts to spike. "Yulie, I..." No. No, she shouldn't ask that. She can put together the answer, even with the rocks in her head. Yulie hates being surrounded by dolls and hollowed-out people. Yulie hates people with rocks in her head, because they remind her of herself.
(She can't quite get it to the last step. She thinks too much of Yuliana.)
"Well -- if you... ah..." She gestures vaguely, then says, "... I'm definitely going to make you that cake. I'm sorry, Yulie, but that's all I can do for you... but that's okay." It's at this point that she starts to gather herself up, to move to stand.
... she takes it so slowly, though, as if Yuliana's frustration and sorrow has its own gravitational pull, drawing her in.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Alma moves to stand, but Yuliana throws her arms around her, anyway. "I didn't mean for it to be like this!" She cries, clutching her tightly and tightly, and it's really not fair she has two sets of arms for this, functionally speaking. "If I'd known, I would have just killed you! It would have been kinder! But now I can't stop it, and I, I--!!"
She takes a ragged breath. "... everything I touch, I destroy." Fingertips to Alma's fine green cloth, she lifts her head, to stare at her. "I guess it's pointless to apologise to someone like you... maybe you are better, this way." Is it for her own good?
It's for Yuliana's own good, certainly.
Yuliana swallows, through, and releases Alma from her clutches -- reaches up for her hand, instead, so Alma can help her standing too. "Cake... yes," she says, a little vaguely, but it's permission enough. She grabs some tissues, from the side-table, to scrub at her face. (There are a lot of tissue boxes, scattered around the castle, given the gentle mistress's moods.) "Cake would be -- lovely. Why don't you go ahead? I'll see about your jewellery, dear." Which is not to say that Yuliana would ever be caught in the kitchens herself; that's for the help. But she'll have new earrings for Alma when she brings her cake.
<Pose Tracker> Alma Stirner has posed.
Yuliana interrupts Alma's attempt to stand, and she's held so tightly, almost smotheringly. Maybe those four appendages will tear her apart.
Indeed, 'it would have been kinder,' Yuliana says.
Alma knows who she means it to be kinder for. But... what else is she supposed to do...? If even Yuliana doesn't really want her --
She shakes that out of her head. It... can wait. Regardless of how either of them feel, there are things to get done. She finishes standing up and helps Yuliana to her feet, and it's as if that jagged, miserable moment never happened.
Alma agrees, "I'll do that. Thank you, Yulie." She smiles a flat, plastic smile, turns, and heads to start work on another cake.