2022-09-21: Ranka - Friendship's Warmth
- Log: 2022-09-21: Ranka - Friendship's Warmth
- Cast: Emilia Eschonbach, Ranka Lee
- Where: Ashford Academy, Nagoya, Area 11
- OOC - IC Date: 20 September 0096
- Summary: Ranka makes an emergency check-in on a girl who is falling apart.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
Any time not spent in class, at work or working on the wrap up and handover materials for the Deculture Festival, Emilia Eschonbach has been... not just withdrawn but perhaps a non-presence. She's barely leaving her room for meals. She's been picking up any extra shifts as an excuse to be elsewhere and then retiring immediately to her room.
Inside her room, the lights are off but given how early in the evening it is, Emilia is hardly likely to be asleep. She lies on her side on her bed, facing away from the door. No music, no TV, no phone. She doesn't even have the excuse of being sick.
She just lays there, staring at the wall, going over her mistakes and failures and stupidity in her head. The only light in her room comes from her laptop, open in the word processor. Fortunately for visitors, she has also failed to lock her door.
<Pose Tracker> Ranka Lee has posed.
Many texts came for Emilia over the past few hours. At first they were innocuous enough. Then the urgency started to increase.
And this led Ranka to where she is, standing outside of her dorm room door. Ranka can feel her in there, and that... its palpable.
For a while she just stands there in indecision. Originally she was worried that it was something having to do with Joseph. That he'd... taken her away somewhere. However, she feels even worse than she has at the games, at her concert...
... and she just didn't know why, and couldn't get an opportunity to talk to her.
Eventually. She knocks softly at the door, "Emilia?" Then again... "Emilia?"
She tries the knob. And sees her just laying there in the dark. She definitely isn't asleep, she wouldn't feel this way if she were. Ranka doesn't flick the light switch on.
In fact, she closes the door, the room illuminated by the soft light of the laptop, she walks across the room and sits on the foot of the bed, just behind Emilia.
And assuming she hasn't moved up until now, all Ranka does is put a hand on her shoulder. As if to just say 'I'm here.'...
... like she doesn't know what else to do right now, other than just to let her know that simple fact.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
The fact that Emilia doesn't respond until she feels Ranka's hand on her shoulder, and that response is to flinch away... This close Emilia feels like a roiling mess of sadness and self-flagellation- and if it's at all clear, a feeling like she doesn't deserve any better.
When she finally speaks, it's not a word Ranka would expect to here. "S-s-s-sorry..." She still doesn't move. It's too hard. She doesn't deserve someone checking on her. She doesn't deserve...
"I'm n-n-n-not a... a good supp--orter...." She couldn't enjoy the concert. She couldn't even finish her job at the concert. She really was just a total failure.
<Pose Tracker> Ranka Lee has posed.
Ranka feels that flinch. But more acutely she feels those emotions. That just, complete mess. And she doesn't say anything for a bit, stunned, her red eyes just... fastened upon her.
She lets her speak. Then...
"You were still there, weren't you? And you were there so much for me before that day?"
She continues speaking so quietly, "You don't need to be perfect, for me to know how much you support me. You're in such a bad situation, Emilia. I don't blame you for not being able to always give it your all. Who could, given all that you're up against? It's just so much."
Slowly, she lowers herself down behind her on the bed, and slides an arm around her in a loose hug. "So let me just support you for a while, alright? Please?"
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
"B-b-but..." What does it matter, if she wasn't there when it mattered? Couldn't do what she promised? Isn't.... Isn't that the only thing that the only thing that matters? All those thoughts of inadequacy she can't say out loud.
But someone else to acknowledge her pain, or situation. To tell her to her face what it's like. That makes it real. It makes it all too real. She's trying so hard to hide the sobs from Ranka.
Ranka putting her arm around her is all it takes to be unable to hide anymore. Emilia's tears are quiet but this is full body crying. If Ranka wanted to tighten the hug, or shift her round to face her, it would be easy. Emilia just can't bring herself to do it herself.
On the bedside table next to Ranka, one of the two phones lights up- the flip phone given by Milly. The message tone is not Emilia's normal one, but one that's designed to cut through noise, to ensure she doesn't miss it- though miss it Emmy does, in her current mental state.
It seems what happens with it is up to Ranka.
<Pose Tracker> Ranka Lee has posed.
"It's okay. I know you think it's not. It's okay."
As she starts to sob, Ranka tightens that arm around her, just holding her in this moment and letting her cry, "You're not okay - but I promise. This is okay."
A phone lights up, and Ranka slowly looks towards it. Ordinarily she would never snoop in someone's cell phone. What happens if it's a bad family situation though? She might never tell her. She might not know if she's in some huge trouble that's causing her to spiral. Carefully, she works an arm back. Picks up the phone, and brings it down over the edge of the bed. She looks. Reads. Her other arm stays tightly around her. She moves over to the contact information associated.
And just mouths 'Cousin?'
She double checks just quickly to make sure there's no other recent texts, sees the names are all friends - realizes only then that it's a second phone, and puts it back.
"Emilia. You're not a bad friend because you can't always be there." She says, as she keeps her in the hug, "You're a good friend because you tried to be there, even with you feeling so horribly."
Cousin. Does she even dare ask?
"If you were really a bad friend, you wouldn't be worried about failing me? ... And you didn't."
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
This sort of comfort is something Emilia remains unused to, unsure how to respond. As Ranka pulls her in tightly, Emilia shifts closer. With so many people, this would be too much. But Ranka's earned that intimate trust. It's why she's so worried about disappointing her.
It's okay, but she's not okay. She starts to roll over- movement at last. Her face is tearstreaked, and not just from now, her carefully applied makeup running. But she's not pulling away. She's trying not to hide from Ranka.
If she's not a bad friend... If it's okay... If she didn't fail...
"W-w-w-why?" Her now red eyes look to Ranka for a moment, before looking away. "W-why... did e-e-everything g-g-g-go wr-wrong?"
<Pose Tracker> Ranka Lee has posed.
As Emilia turns around, Ranka slides a hand up to her eyes, to carefully wipe tears away, she doesn't try to push her to stop crying. Never that. Crying can be a cathartic experience, better that than desolation.
The hand shifts up to move her hair out of her face, to tuck it back.
"Because you've been set up to think you're a bad girl Emilia. To always see yourself, and your actions in the worst possible light."
Ranka whispers quietly, "By a horrible person. And that brings you back to this place, again, and again, and again."
There's a pause, and she wraps her arm back around her, "It's not you though. If I were in your shoes, I bet I'd be very similar to how you are right now. Maybe even worse."
Ranka notes to her, "I've been where you are before, when I was younger. And worse... I didn't even know what brought me to feel this way. I can't... remember. My big brother helped me through it... he didn't know what he was doing, but he loved me, and supported me. It still took years."
Ranka pauses, then says to her firmly, "You have people who love and support you too. It's going to take a long time, but we'll be there. And your Grandfather will be there, trying to undo all that. But we won't let him win. We're too stubborn for that."
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
The fact that Ranka is so tender, so gentle with her is a lot. As much as it's calming, it's also troubling. After all, the last person who treated Emilia remotely like this was... long dead.
Emilia doesn't have much to say at first. She's listening, trying to take it in and struggling. But her mind catches on one sentence. "I... d-d-d-don't have y-years..." She knows she doesn't. With everything that happened at the festival, it's only a matter of time. "I n-n-needed to ch-change. W-w-wasn't enough. Not f-fast enough."
And things that don't change...
And then a wave of fear comes over Emilia, she feels like she should push Ranka away for her own safety. "D-d-d-d-d-don't!" She practically buries her head into Ranka's shoulder. "H-he a-always w-w-w-wins... N-no matter wh-what..."
<Pose Tracker> Ranka Lee has posed.
She listens to it all, that stammering and that struggle, that wave of fear, and as she feels that idea of pushing her away, she asks her, "So what? I should give up on you? Because it's impossible?" Ranka says sadly to Emilia, "I told myself over and over - something like what I'm doing now is impossible for me. I didn't think I could sing in front of other people. I was my own worst enemy. The people in my life fought me on that - told me it was possible. Where am I now?"
She pauses long enough for that - she doesn't expect her to answer, it's rhetorical of course, "I know you're scared of him. I know you think it's impossible. That's what he wants you to think."
She takes some time, thinking it over.
"You can't brute force these things Emilia." Ranka tells her gently, "You can't rush them. Change from inside your own head doesn't work like that. And I know. I know you don't - but you're holding yourself up to an impossible standard. If I was in this bed right now, feeling the same way, with someone like your Grandfather controlling my life. Would you tell me that I need to change faster? That I'm not working hard enough?"
There's a small smile, as her red eyes look her way in the dark, illuminated only by the glow of the laptop, "I don't think you would. So what is it? What has you so convinced that you can't be kinder to yourself? What has he told you that's got you so stuck inside your own head?"
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
Emmy seems stopped dead for a few moments. Ranka *should* give up on her, but the idea of Ranka doing so is something she doesn't want. Anymore than she wants Kallen to stop looking after her or to be torn away from Milly. But right now, she can't believe in the impenetrable fortress.
Her hand reaches up slowly, cautiously, to her locket. The one source of strength that's hers. The one thing of her mothers. She shakes her head. "...M-M-Milly t-told me th-that. Things th-that d-don't ch-change die out..." She says so quietly. "I th-thought if I c-c-could change... m-maybe I c-could... do s-something. B-b-but I didn't... change en-enough. And n-now..."
There's a click, and Ranka can hear the locket open, and Emmy shifts to let her see it, even hold it. Inside are two pictures, the first is of what looks like a very young Emilia with a blonde woman that shares her brilliant green eyes. The second is that same woman with a young man in a military uniform (a Zeon military uniform, if Ranka has paid that much attention) with the same purple hair Emilia has.
"G-G-G-Grandfather... d-d-doesn't speak t-to me..." He always signs a letter from his staff, or has his secretary makes calls. "He d-didn't... tell m-m-me anything." She takes a deep breath, before saying the next- and likely last thing she can say tonight. Her voice is straining. But maybe then Ranka would understand the danger.
"He... l-l-let Mom d-d-d-d-die...wh-when he. Wh-when he c-could have..."
<Pose Tracker> Ranka Lee has posed.
"That does sound like Milly." Ranka says after a moment, "But did she say it has to be immediate? That fast?"
However Emilia starts clicking open her locket. Ranka looks at the pair, "She's beautiful." Ranka says softly... she does recognize the Zeon uniform. However, that's only after the trip to Zeon itself. She wouldn't have before, if not for that walk through the museum. The hair is distinct, she almost feels like she recognizes it, vaguely, but mostly her mind just turns to Emilia's inheritance of it...
There's so much she could say to her Grandfather not speaking to her, not telling her anything. She can tell the strain this is causing her and...
Her red eyes are suddenly as wide as saucers, as something deep inside of her shudders. It's like a hole, she doesn't even know exists, where her mother should be. It hits this deep incredible, sadness. "Horrible! Awful! How could he - his own daughter-!"
Ranka Lee has never hated anyone in her entire life. Not her childhood bullies. Not even Yuliana. She finds in this moment - she despises this man.
However, after that outburst, what she does is put her arms around Emilia and draws her in close, as she speaks her name with such sadness. "Oh Emilia..."
And she just holds her, arms encompassing her, letting her cry, or anything she needs.
"... We're not going anywhere." In the end, perhaps that's all she can tell her. Ranka doesn't know what to say to someone who lost her mother...
... she can't remember what it's like to have one.
<Pose Tracker> Emilia Eschonbach has posed.
All Emmy can do in response to Ranka's outrage is nod weakly. The affirmation that she's not going anywhere- that they're not going anywhere...
It sets her tears flowing again, as she seems to be trying to make herself as small as she can. Emmy may be out of words, but with Ranka she doesn't always need them. And right now something's obvious- despite her self imposed isolation, she doesn't want to be alone right now. If she had any words left to speak, she'd be asking- begging Ranka to stay, at least tonight.
If only she realized she didn't need to ask.