2022-09-22: Out of Love
- Log: 2022-09-22: Out of Love
- Cast: Ouka Nagisa, Kaworu Nagisa
- Where: Tokyo-3 Municipal School District, Tokyo-3, Free Japan
- OOC - IC Date: September 22, 0096 (2022)
- Summary: Kaworu checks in on Ouka after the events at Luna II.
<Pose Tracker> Ouka Nagisa has posed.
Returning to school was significantly easier on Ouka than joining it for the first time. A lot of ceremony was old hat to her, and though she did not realize it the cultural competencies necessary to survive in a typical Japanese school environment had started to sink in on her. Even though she is still frequently referred to as 'Spy Hime' by many individuals of the student body, it seems less a matter of heated gossip and more a matter of... tradition? Just a nickname? She still is uncomfortable with it, as she feels it doesn't reflect who she is, but she at least she understands a reason for its use.
... it is a name for which the most people across the school know her by.
That said there are still times when she seeks to find solace in isolation. One of those times is during lunch, where rather than sitting in a classroom or the cafeteria she will go to an unused classroom or even the roof top. Today she has chosen the latter. From what she understands yesterday was the last day of Summer and the first day of Fall.
The concept seasons is itself something vague to her. Spending most of her life moving from sterilized concrete room to underground hangars to military bases in space, the passage of a season being marked in a location that she is familiar is something new to her.
She wants to Experience it.
She sits upon the roof, wearing the Tokyo-3 school uniform and with her unopened metal meal container still sitting in her lap. She is sitting on the edge of the roof, atop the concrete divider next to the chain link fence that acts as a barrier between the students and any notion of attempting an abrupt end to their time at Tokyo-3. Her Golden Eyes gaze outwards, through the wired crosshatch pattern and out into the schoolyard. Her ears picking up the sounds of birds in the trees, or the Summer insects still living in defiance of the change of seasons.
She records it all in her mind, into her memory, and smiles faintly. At this moment at least she is at peace.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu has his own school troubles, though they're far less dramatic than Ouka's. It's a simple matter: he's just still getting ignored.
It started just before summer vacation when he returned from the hospital bandaged up and the joking rumors about him having been shot and stabbed next to a train station turned out to be true. Prior to that, people had wondered if he was a Coordinator, but most treated it as alluring. The prospect that any of them could have been caught up in an assassination attempt had they been with him that day mutated that allure into fear. Now...
Now, it's pretty much just the other Children and a handful of others who'll still talk to Kaworu. It saddens him, but he accepts it for what it is. All considered, it really is safer for them to stay away. As long as no one causes any trouble for those who do still talk to him, he can handle it.
It does mean that sometimes he needs some solitude of his own. It's easier to be alone when you're actually alone than when you're an island in a sea of people, somehow. Besides, the view from the roof is lovely--as is the breeze.
So, today, Kaworu abandons the classroom and makes his way up to the rooftop. He senses Ouka's presence before he arrives, but he doesn't mind that, either. It's a good opportunity to check in on her.
Ouka will hear the creak of the door to the rooftop first. Then the easy tread of sneakered footfalls, moving at a steady, unhurried pace. There's no hostility in the air, and if she turns around, she'll see Kaworu approaching with his hands in his pockets and a crooked smile on his lips. So, about as usual.
"Hey," he greets her casually, coming to a stop at the edge of the fence. Looking up at her, he adds, "Sorry if I'm disturbing you. I wanted to come by to see how you're doing."
It's true, even if it wasn't his original purpose. Were it not for that, he would have gone somewhere else when he noticed her presence here.
<Pose Tracker> Ouka Nagisa has posed.
Lacking any sort of extrasensory talents or enhanced hearing, the approach of Kaworu to the rooftop was unknown to Ouka until she heard the creak of the door opening out onto the roof. She pulls back then from her peaceful reverie overlooking the school grounds to instead watch for who it is coming onto the roof with her. She knows by experience that there are only certain subsets of the student population who would bother to come up to the roof, and most of them aren't the types to pester her with rumor mongering. Even then though she feels some mild relief at the shape of Kaworu Nagisa arriving at the roof top.
... though it is relief mixed with uncertainty.
The two haven't had time alone for a long time. Not since before the assassination attempt on his life. Perhaps absurdly it may seem to some she feels some guilt in that - a guilt that she does not similarly have toward Liam and the attempt on his life. Perhaps it is because they are both school mates? Not School mates... but school mates still. Perhaps there is some misappropriated feelings of kinship between her and those who share her uniform, that her kouhai are much akin to her younger siblings. They are those who she has a responsibility to.
Or perhaps there is something darker, deeper, and more mysterious shaping her feelings. Something she can barely remember, and can't hope to understand.
Regardless, despite her uncertainty, she smiles warmly and assumes a more upright posture as Kaworu greets her. "Good afternoon." She returns, with a polite inclining of her head in response. Gentle and formal, as is typical for the First Boosted Child. "Not at all..." She lies, though just a bit. His presence had disturbed her reverie - but she does not blame him for that.
... the final part does cause some disturbance for her. He has come by to see how she is doing? Ah... perhaps as his role in NERV. As an auxiliary, perhaps her condition would be a part of his remit too. Ouka's confused expression melts from confusion into one of placid indulgence. "Is that so? I appreciate the gesture. I'll admit that attending a school like this one is still very much alien to me. But... there are some aspects to it that are starting to feel familiar, too? The faces. The places. The sounds. The smells. And the patterns - of class, of meal, and of activities. It's all becoming... knowable?"
Her voice raises a bit on the last word, though less as a question for Kaworu to answer and more to signal her uncertainty in the appropriateness of the word to describe her feelings. Her golden eyes then slide over Kaworu's form. Her placid smile faltering slightly. Her eyelids drooping, the corners of her mouth tensing: "How about you? Are you... doing well now, after your injury?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Something darker and deeper... These things do happen. But they're quite the rarity, and this one is buried so deep in a place so unexpected. Does Kaworu notice it? Well... That's a question for another time. What's clearer is her ease--and at the same time, her discomfort--at his presence. Kaworu comments on neither.
Instead, he seats himself on the edge of the concrete block on which the fence his built, his back leaning into the diamond-shaped links. He's seen enough of Ouka's fate to not have much hope for her, but plenty of sympathy. It is a tragedy when fate simply won't allow you to be saved, and she's too far removed from his demense. There simply isn't anything he can do for her. Not without her having her own will to defy her fate.
"You get used to it after a while. It is a strange experience, though, after growing up in such different circumstances." He tilts his head to smile up at her. He hears that uncertainty, and to it, he says, "To those like us, the 'normal' is abnormal. So to have it gradually become known as 'normal' to us is wonderful in its own way."
Even if they're being ignored and targeted by gossip. But Kaworu isn't really bothered by that kind of bullying.
Her smile falters as she looks over him. Her question makes it clear why, though not precisely why. The feelings of Lilim can be rather dense sometimes. "Yes," he replies. "I have some lingering pain sometimes, but I can move as well as I used to." He pauses. "What about yourself? The incident at Luna II..."
<Pose Tracker> Ouka Nagisa has posed.
A will to defy one's fate...
Ouka is a being of incredible will. The fact that she is able to maintain some semblance of rational personhood after innumerable violations of self is evidence of that. But just as the proud and mighty oak might begin to crack and lean under the weight of drought and disease, the mighty self of Aurum-1 is similarly faltering. In another world, another time, a curious being's ungentle grasping of her memories was enough to shatter her. But even then she was able to be salvaged...
... though that being which resulted was naught but a silent reminder, a monument to the tragic violences inflicted by beings who did not recognize her personhood. Either out of intentional malice, or unintentional ignorance.
Knowing that, Ouka would forgive another of not holding out much hope for her. After all, Ouka's hopes too are more invested in her siblings than herself. For her she sees no future but in that which The School gives her. It's in when she looks into the innocent blue eyes of Arado and Seolla that she sees greater things, and greater possibilities. Things which she dare not whisper, and only Dr. Cero is privy to sharing.
"To those like us?" Ouka asks, watching as her kouhai comes to share the concrete blocks upon which she herself is seated. She is at first confused... but then embarrassed. After all, she has seen enough of Rei Ayanami to understand she is not like the other students. The two of them are similar, even if they are still distinct. So too is Kaworu similar to Rei, yet distinct. But those similarities were marked by Ouka - and now perhaps confirmed, in some way? "... I see, you don't have to explain if you don't want to. It seems a lot of us who have come to NERV share a similar history... after all."
Her voice is sad at this. Though she cannot rebel against her programming easily, it is clear she recognizes the wretchedness of her own situation. It is something she would not wish on anyone else. Least of all the boy with the gentle smile sitting near her.
"I see..." Ouka responds, before nodding, "We still haven't confirmed the identity of the perpetrator, despite our effort to investigate and pin down a subject. If you ever find need for someone to act as a body guard, so long as it doesn't interfere with my other duties, I would be happy to do so."
She would kill for you. She would die for you. And she doesn't know why.
Then the topic shifts to Luna II. Is she okay, given the violence inflicted against her at Luna II? Not by Celestial Being or Zaft... but by her own machine. And then by her own self. Her left arm, at one time heavily bruised, is now healed. However sometimes she can still feel the cold pinpricks - as she does now with Kaworu's question. Her right hand reaches over to rub her forearm, as if to restore warmth.
"A full psychological and physiological workup was performed after the sabotage on my machine during the presentation at Luna II. While I sustained physical injuries due to combat and some mental contamination due to the GEIM System malfunctioning, it was determined that no permanent injuries had occurred. After my treatment and observation I was released to normal duty."
... perhaps that wasn't the answer he was expecting. Or perhaps it was, given the nature of the person asked, but not the one hoped for.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Ouka is a being of incredible will. But her will is to stay right where she is to protect her 'younger siblings,' no matter how much that destroys her more and more over time. It's because of that will that she's able to endure as much as she does... but everyone has a breaking point. Even those beings whose hearts project an inviolable light. Ouka's fate has over and over been a tragic one, and she would face it gladly if it meant her dear siblings are safe, wouldn't it? In that respect, she gets precisely what she wants.
But to defy that fate and instead search for something better for herself... Kaworu doesn't think it's very likely. As acknowledged, Ouka's hope isn't for herself, after all.
"Can you not sense it?" Kaworu wonders back at her when she echoes. And indeed, she does sense it. She doesn't ask him to explain, simply accepting his comment for what it is. He chuckles a bit, even though it is a sad subject. "Lilim would use even that which they hate and fear to ensure the survival of their own race. Sacrificing their young to that same altar is not so great a leap."
The perpetrator... Kaworu wonders how Alouette's investigation is coming along--or not coming along, as the case no doubt is. He wonders if it vexes her. He can't say anything, though. In the same way, when Ouka offers her services as a bodyguard, he simply gives her another smile. "Thank you. I'll keep that in mind." He pauses. "Why do you make such an offer, though? You did say only if it doesn't interfere with your other duties, but there's any number of other people who could perform such a duty for me. Why volunteer yourself?"
He asks about Luna II, as delicately as he can. Sure enough, Ouka rubs her arm and answers in as clinical a way as possible. "I see," he says quietly. "Shinji was there too, as you may know. He was worried about you." His smile turns fond, his gaze a little distant. "He possesses a kind and pure soul like that."
<Pose Tracker> Ouka Nagisa has posed.
'Sacrificing their young to that same altar is not so great a leap.'
Those words strike Ouka pretty hard, though again she would have difficulty explaining exactly why. Her memory has been rewritten time and time again but, and so she doesn't clearly remember any of her siblings dying in her arms. However she does remember Latune-11 - Latooni, her dear littlest sister, who had tragically died in a training accident while she was undergoing treatment in the Moderator. It hurt for her to know she was gone when she had been reawoken. She was sacrificed... on the altar of man's ambition.
Were she a more philosophic individual she might reflect on how child sacrifice has an even longer history. How some of the oldest practiced religions base their name on a man who was only deterred in the last instant from bringing his own son to slaughter.
Instead she all she can do is sit there and look down at the metal food container on her lap. The one embossed with A-01.
... there were many children brought to slaughter for the advent of Aurum-1.
"There are many who would try to perform the duty." Ouka admits, "However based on the reported capabilities of your assailant... there are far less who could hope to protect you, much less themselves. While I can't be sure I'd do any better, given the number of unknowns, I don't know of anyone who would have a better chance of doing so."
From anyone else that would sound like bragging. However there is no self-satisfaction in Ouka's tone. She volunteers herself because it just makes sense to send an Aurum against an assassin that can leap up the side of a building.
"Also..." Ouka adds faintly, "... I hate to see people get hurt when I'm not there..." Says a being entirely built to hurt people. "... especially if me being there could have stopped it."
When the topic turns back to Luna II, and then about Shinji being worried about her, Ouka pauses. She remembers him coming to her after she had finished a test. A bottle of water, a gift offered without prompting. The sweetness of it on her tongue. Her throwing that same gift into the trash with scorn. She dimly remembers him asking about Luna II, and then walking away in cold anger, but she doesn't remember why. Her brow knits in consternation. Did he say something to upset her?
Regardless she nods and affirms, "I believe he is a kind soul too. Part of me wonders if he should even be here though. He seems so uncomfortable in this world." She's clearly not talking about Tokyo-3 Municipal so much as in NERV, despite her current physical location. "Perhaps you could help put his mind at ease? I'm fine, after all. And him getting involved might... do more harm to him, than good." The School isn't a place for lost Children, after all.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
God can be a cruel lord. He may have stopped Abraham at the last moment, claiming that He only wanted to know that Abraham would have sacrificed his only son--but that only means that there are circumstances under which God would have demanded that sacrifice for real. It's pointless to test whether someone would do something if you have no intention of ever having them do it.
In the moment of silence when Ouka stares at the container for her daily nutrients, Kaworu drapes an arm over his thigh and looks up at her again. He doesn't press her to speak, though. Yes, they're both intimately acquainted with sacrifice.
She instead answers his question about her offer to protect him. It makes reasonable sense. Kaworu can think of a few of people who might do as well, but one of them has his own mission to worry about, one has been suffering from hesitation and doubt, and the last hates him as much as he hates her. He thus nods once.
"I see. That sounds like you." She did try to protect Shinji against the Angel the other day. Putting herself in harm's way to protect others is normal for her, so it follows logically that she would be upset that an ally was harmed by a foe she might have been able to stop had she been there. "There's no need to feel out of sorts about it. The assassin was stopped," he points out. "Given that their aim was my life, a few wounds that took only a paltry number of weeks to heal aren't so bad. I do appreciate your care, though."
Ouka pauses at the mention of Shinji. She seems confused, Kaworu notes. Memory editing? Did something happen between them...? "Whether he should or should not be here, he must be here," Kaworu replies. He doesn't respond to her suggestion that Kaworu put Shinji's mind at ease. He would do his best on that topic generally, but if it's about Ouka, there isn't anything to reassure him about... though it's true that Shinji getting involved with the School would only go poorly for Shinji.
"You aren't fine," he replies, looking away and forward towards the endless sky. "But I realize you lie and say you are to protect others. As you imply... the School is an even less forgiving place than NERV."
He doesn't say he'll encourage Shinji to not stick his nose in, but he doesn't not say it, either.
<Pose Tracker> Ouka Nagisa has posed.
It's always an odd situation - the injured party comforting that of the uninjured. Though in truth while Kaworu's the one with physical injuries... it is Ouka which was injured emotionally. She doesn't understand fully the source of the connection she shares with Kaworu, but she felt familiar shadows of memories brushing against her consciousness. Of those she had been connected to being injured, being taken to a place she could not reach, and then never being heard from again.
Ouka wants to object to Kaworu's logic that things went well in spite her absence. The attempt on his life was stopped, sure. The assassin's aim was foiled, of course. The injuries healed with time too. She can't argue against any of this, but her desire to protect another still beats strongly within her chest. Still, seeing that there's not much to be gained from pushing the topic further, she simply nods her head, "Of course... you're welcome."
And so the conversation turns back to Shinji and Luna II. "Must be here?" Ouka blinks, once again confused. Is this perhaps because he's Gendo Ikari's son? Or is it like she has things she Must do. Either way she can't help but feel badly for this young man with no combat experience being thrust into NERV's machine beasts and forced to fight eldritch abominations.
What causes her to pull up short though is when he tells her she is not fine. It is VERY common for her to express she is fine. It's a fair bit rarer for someone to tell her, quite rudely, that she isn't fine. There is a brief gust of wind in this moment, sending Ouka's long green hair forward and over her shoulders. She makes no move to brush it back to its normal position - so struck but the certainty of Kaworu's declaration.
He even goes further to say that she lies. That she says it to protect others. All at once she feels like she is transparent. Like Kaworu has seen through her completely. And for a moment it may seem like too much was said. The way she freezes up - the fact that she takes a minute to process before saying anything more. It's a trauma response in its own way. The response of an animal when it realizes it might have been seen when it didn't expect to be.
"I am fine, because I must be fine." Ouka says, finally brushing back some of her displaced hair. She attempts now to sit taller, to put on an imperious air. Another defense mechanism? To seem cold and confident in the face of uncertainty? "The School is an unforgiving place, it is true. But our affairs are our own, just as NERVs are yours. From our understanding we were to avoid criticizing each others... personel issues."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It was certainly frightening at the time. Kaworu was whisked away after being grievously injured; it was reported that he'd sustained radiation poisoning; no one knew where he was or what his status was for several weeks. The not knowing had haunted Shinji, too. Perhaps it had haunted others as well. Kaworu knows objectively that there are those who care about him, but it's always difficult for him to internalize--except for Shinji, of course. And even then, for a while this time around, it felt as though Shinji only tolerated him out of pity...
He knows that isn't true now, of course. But it did feel that way for a time. It was that feeling that Alexis took advantage of for a time. Now that it's been shaken out of place, Kaworu himself is no longer so well shaken.
Case in point: Ouka puts on imperious airs well; there's no lack of schoolmates who've been intimidated by her when she acts like that. But Kaworu isn't intimidated easily, and her straightened shoulders and cold glare are only met with a soft smile. What he said may have sounded rude to her, but being rude wasn't his intent; he merely made a true observation. The long pause between his statement and her reaction doesn't bother him, either. Kaworu, on top of being hard to intimidate, is extremely patient.
"Does it sound like criticism to you?" he wonders. "The more you deny the reality of it, the more disastrous it will be once you no longer can. Still, I understand. It's your way of protecting your heart, so that you can continue to protect those you love. I find that resolve admirable." He leans back on the fence, shutting his eyes as that breeze blows through his own gray hair. It's a pleasantly cool breeze, one that heralds the changing of the seasons. It truly is a fine time to admire nature... The moon is especially bright this time of year.
"Still, the way you say that, it sounds as though you may have some criticism of your own for how NERV does things," he notes. "If you want to express them, I don't mind. I'll hear you out, Ouka Nagisa."
Maybe she might start with fielding someone like Shinji, who had no combat experience before becoming an Evangelion pilot, into live battle. Maybe it'll be something else entirely. Kaworu won't mind either way. He'll still listen to the end.
<Pose Tracker> Ouka Nagisa has posed.
... perhaps by taking it as a criticism reveals more of her personal perspective than was intended, by herself or her handlers. They have installed safeguards to prevent her from being swayed from their control, or allowing her to present The School in a poor light. But in being so sensitive to such criticism it reveals perhaps their own guilty conscious. The fact that they know that the acts they engage with are outside the norms of acceptable scientific endeavour. That their crimes are too deep and many to countenance, even with the results they produce.
But in this way NERV is a kindred spirit. The skeletons in their basement are a bit on the larger size than many in The School's basement, but exist in much the same number.
Again though Kaworu speaks in a way for which she feels like she has no defense. Like she can't hide from those crimson eyes facing her from under his short mane of gray hair, faintly rustling in the cool breeze. The purpose of this persona is as much to inspire intimidation as it is to project confidence. The 'Regal Aurum', a soldier which in spite of her youth is capable of bringing down larger, more seasoned veterans to their knees. She is professional lethality personified.
... but it too is to protect her heart. As he faces her down with that same gentle smile she can't help but feel that Kaworu can see her heart. The same heart of a child, long forgotten, who stood crying and alone in the wake of Second Impact and the wars that followed.
When Kaworu offers to hear out her complaints though, she stands up. Her still unopened food container in her hands. She turns back to look over her shoulder, and down at him, with that same imperious stare.
But then the ice breaks, and her gaze shifts away towards the ground at Kaworu's feet. "Would anything change?" Is her question. Her expressed thought comes from the woman who often attempted to advocate on behalf of others to both Koch and Setme. She knows in the end these organizations are adults. Adults who don't listen to children, or test subjects, like herself.
The question is rhetorical though, and before waiting to here an answer she makes her way to the stairwell exit to the roof. Rather than tall and imperious, for this one moment she looks small. Small, and carrying a heavy burden she refuses to let slip from her shoulders.
Out of love.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Would anything change?
"It might," Kaworu replies, "within your own heart."
It might be a rhetorical question, but he has an answer all the same. Lilim are creatures of the heart, after all. Change that, and you could well change the world.
At the same time, though, it's true that as the world is now, simply complaining won't sway the adults in charge. Whether his answer means anything to Ouka, whether it affects her or not, whether she even hears it or not as she already starts walking away, he doesn't try to chase her down.
He watches her, though. He watches her so that she may be seen, for to be seen means to not be alone.