2022-09-21: The Freedom of Bonds
- Log: 2022-09-21 The Freedom of Bonds
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa, Liam 7-020
- Where: Geofront, Tokyo-3, Free Japan
- OOC - IC Date: September 21, 0096 (2022)
- Summary: Liam asks Kaworu about whether or not it's appropriate to feel compassion for a kaiju enemy.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The days--sometimes weeks--after an Angel attack are always the busiest at NERV Headquarters. NERV and its subsidiaries deal with kaiju attacks in general, but it was specifically Angels for which NERV was formed, those being the highly specialized kind of kaiju that only the highly specialized Evangelions can defeat. (Other kinds of mechs can help, of course. But one would need at least one Evangelion to finish an Angel off.)
As a NERV administrator, Kaworu has a moderate amount of power and authority. As someone who can do the work of three adults in a third of the time, Kaworu has an absurd amount of responsibility. Right now, he's surveying a massive stack of paperwork, split across his actual desk and his desktop computer. The computer paperwork is easier, really. Kaworu can process that without even looking at it.
He rather likes physical paperwork, though, despite it taking far longer to process. There's a certain appeal to taking a pen in hand and writing things out on paper. Kaworu's penmanship in particular flows with elegance and grace.
So it is that Kaworu is working through this stack with rhythm and speed. Being on duty as an administrator, he's of course wearing his suit with the purple scarf-tie; his office is sparse and utilitarian, with only a few bookcases, all stuffed with various high-level texts, on each side of the room to 'decorate' it. His door is open a crack.
He's an administrator rather than human resources, but he is known to be a kaiju expert specializing in Angels. If someone had a question about Angels, he would be the logical person to go to.
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam has been standing outside Kaworu's office for three minutes, trying to work up the nerve to knock. The Administrator has been nothing but compassionate to him, even if some of what he's said in other arenas is suspicious. And yet, does Kaworu even have time to speak with Liam about something as trivial as his own inappropriate emotions? Even if he did, what would he say to someone who felt sympathy--maybe even empathy--for an Angel?
Liam lets out a breath, and decides to get it over with. He reaches out and raps his knuckles against the door three times, firm but not disruptive.
"Administrator," Liam says, when the door opens. He's dressed in his own uniform, a variant of the jumpsuit and beret worn by NERV security. "Requesting a moment." He glances at the paperwork on Kaworu's desk, and a spike of anxiety shoots through him. "If time allows."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
There's any number of reasons Liam might be lingering outside his office door. Kaworu doesn't pressure him by calling out to him; he simply waits, and as he waits, he does paperwork. At length, a rapping comes at the door. "Come in," Kaworu says, and Liam slips inside.
He's already looks up at him with a smile by the time he requests a moment. "Time does allow," he replies. "What did you want to talk to me about, Liam?"
Perhaps Kaworu has said some suspicious things from time to time. However, at the very least, that smile and that interest is genuine. There's a chair in front of Kaworu's desk (as well as the one behind it that he sits upon), and he nods at it to silently indicate to Liam that he's welcome to sit if he so chooses.
NERV doesn't have any mental health personnel. It really should invest in some. In the meantime, one could do worse than come here.
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam closes the door behind him, and takes a seat. He sits for a moment, tensing in what to him is awkward silence, before finally finding the words.
"Sandalphon," Liam says. "How did you... feel, as you fought it?" His eyes darken, subtly, as emotion creeps in. "It was the objective. It kept screaming. It kept struggling. Did it... want to live, sir?"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
To Kaworu, the silence is only silence. He sets aside his pen and watches Liam with patience until he's ready to speak. His patience and attention don't wane any when Liam finally speaks, and in doing so, gets straight to the point. However, there's a slight shift in his expression. It's hard to describe, but it's a bit like when the afternoon sunlight starts to shift towards evening.
"The natural instinct of all those with life is to want to keep living, Liam," Kaworu replies quietly. "It is the reason why the Angel screamed and struggled. And that is the reason why we had no choice but to destroy it." He pauses. "You were present when Mary and I conducted that lesson about Angels. Is there a reason why you're wondering these things now?"
There's no judgment or condemnation there in his voice or his face. It's simply a question, simply stated. If anything, his expression might be called... wistful.
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam would loom over Kaworu if they were both standing. Seated, there's less of a difference--and it becomes a bit less so as the cyborg shrinks back. Kaworu's tone is patient and gentle, but he's so used to searching for hostile intent that he can't help but see it.
"Understood," Liam says. "Jophiel and Sandalphon presented vastly different physiologies. Sandalphon seemed..." And here he pauses, well aware of how ridiculous he must sound. "Young. Newborn. Clearly emotive. And regardless, destructive to everything around it. I... felt for it. I apologized for having to kill it."
Liam lowers his head, and awaits Kaworu's judgment.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Even if they were standing, Kaworu would remain as calm. He isn't the type of person to be intimidated by someone bigger than he is. He does note the way Liam shrinks away even as they sit across each other. It may be that Liam is only imagining hostile intent, but Kaworu at least remains even in demeanor to try to keep him from being more nervous.
It helps what he actually says, at that. From from judging him, Kaworu smiles slightly, the corners of his eyes crinkling. "You're a truly kind person, Liam," he says, raising a hand to rest his head on it. "It's true that the Angels are enemies we must defeat. But that doesn't mean we must bear them ill will. They wish to live, just as Lilim do. There is no malice in that, any more than there is in a lion snaring its prey, or humans leveling a forest to build a city."
He pauses, seeing Liam lower his head. "...You seem troubled by it, even so," he observes. "Why?"
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
'You're a truly kind person, Liam.'
Liam doesn't meet Kaworu's eyes. Doubt swirls in his head. Kind people don't fight. Kind people don't feel rage like he does. He takes a deep breath, and tries to steady himself. When Kaworu makes his observation, Liam's face twists into a small, guilty frown.
"Does that make me a liability? Hesitation is unacceptable when lives are on the line."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"It might," Kaworu replies, and though the words might bludgeon with their bluntness, there's no harshness to them. It's simply a statement. "That being said, it's your very kindness that will keep you from that, I believe. When we were on the battlefield, you worried about your comrades and called out for them. Even though you felt compassion for the Angel, it didn't stop you from fighting when you needed to, and that's because of your feelings for the rest of us. Is that not so?"
It's actually a genuine question, rather than a rhetorical one. Liam won't meet his eyes; he seems genuinely torn about this. It's fascinating to Kaworu, in a strange way. Would Liam actually betray his own in order to defend an Angel?
"Yuka--that is, Dr. Ohta--she and I had a conversation along these lines some time back," he muses. "She has a great deal of compassion for kaiju herself, and prefers the gentler option when possible. You're not alone in feeling this way, Liam."
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam doesn't flinch, but for a moment, it seems like he might. He simply falls silent until Kaworu asks his question, and then, he takes a few moments to answer. "...Yes," he says. "They're young. They... shouldn't have to fight. But they do. I was made to. I want to keep them safe."
"...Doctor Ohta?" Liam's brow furrows; he mostly remembers her from her appearance in the Angel briefing, but she also...
She also chastised Eisen for his callousness while fighting that Namegon. "...Should I feel this way?" he asks. There's pain in Liam's voice. He doesn't know the answer to that.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"You're much like Ouka Nagisa, too," Kaworu remarks, still leaning his face on his curled hand, still with that faint, lopsided smile. "You care so much for those around you, you would invite harm upon yourself." His smile fades into a neutral line. "But where she primarily endures immense harm to her body, you primarily endure immense harm to your heart."
Not that either of them never suffers from the other. But that's why Kaworu says 'primarily.' What he speaks of is apparent in the ache in Liam's voice, all the same. It occurs to Kaworu that this is a problem beyond the Ninth Angel, even if they're the one who prompted this particular crisis, and he weighs how to phrase his response for a scattering of seconds.
"No one can answer for you how you 'should' or 'should not' feel," he replies softly at last. "There are as many who would reply 'yes' as there are who would reply 'no,' so that's not something you can rely upon. You feel as you do. That is true no matter what anyone else feels. All you can do is be true to yourself and bring as little harm to others as you can."
He laughs a little, ruefully, as his eyes shut. "...Yet it isn't easy, is it? It's simple enough to be as you are, but to do no harm... is far more difficult."
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam's jaw tightens as Kaworu speaks. He thinks back to how Ouka protected him, and helped him right his Gundam--and how helpless he'd felt in that moment. Back in the lab, he tried to be there for the younger subjects, and endured for their sake. "They always said that if I refused, they would find someone else instead. I couldn't let them." His eyes start to mist up.
"I can't answer that," Liam says, his breath hitching in his throat. "I wasn't--they never let me. I couldn't."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Liam really is very much like Ouka, Kaworu reflects. Was it fate that brought them both to NERV, despite starting out in very different organizations? Yet Ouka isn't here now--simply another Nagisa. Whether he's able to help Liam or not, he doesn't know. But Liam came to him for help, so he must try.
"Yes. It's an alien feeling to exist outside the chains that others would set for you," Kaworu says quietly. "You convince yourself of the way things must be. That they cannot be any other way than that. But that is not so.
"You said it yourself: 'They never let me. I couldn't.' As in the past tense. They bind you no longer, Liam. You must free your own heart. Then you will be able to find your answer."
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
"How?" Liam takes another breath, and tries to quell the tension in his heart. "I have to be--" A pause, as he rephrases. A tiny moment of self-analysis that isn't purely goal-oriented. "I feel... less afraid when I feel useful. I'm scared. You're telling me what I have to do, and I don't know how."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu's faint smile widens. "It probably isn't enough to simply tell you what must be done. These things don't feel real or within reach until you experience them for yourself," he admits. "If you want a suggestion on how, though..."
He sits up and lowers his hand. "You attended Ranka's concert with Lucine the other day. You two seemed quite comfortable together. Why was that?"
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
Liam's eyes widen.
"I," he says, and he glances down at Kaworu's desk. Of course Kaworu saw them, he was there with Shinji, Liam even acknowledged them. "...Uncertain. I feel... safer, when she's there. Calmer. More comfortable. She's kind. She's a good friend."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"That is a bond," Kaworu tells him gently. "Your bonds will guide the way. You should trust in her, and the way you feel about her, and in anyone else who makes you feel that way. The more you trust in those bonds and give yourself over to them, the more you will find your way to a 'you' that is free, mind and soul."
There's an inherent irony in what he says. A bond by definition is something that binds one. But Kaworu does sincerely believe it, and it's with that same sincerity that he offers this advice to Liam.
After all, it's the same advice he gave Shinji a time or two ago.
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
A bond. Of course it is. What else would it be? Liam still doesn't know what kind of bond it is--he's still trying to tease threads out of the tangled knot of emotions--but it's there, and it's real. He listens to Kaworu, his eyes clearing a little as he blinks. What he says is... a paradox, on its face.
And again, there's that inner struggle. Kaworu is giving him instructions. Instructions must be carried out, regardless of judgment. But critical thought is also essential, and...
"Not an order," he says, under his breath--to himself, really. After being told what to do for so long, it's so hard to see things people tell him as optional. Ideas he can take or leave or modify. There are times when it's easier than others, but... "I understand. Thank you, Kaworu."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"Correct. This is not an order," Kaworu replies. It may say a lot about him that he understands immediately what Liam means. It may say a lot about him that he heard him despite muttering under his breath--but then, there are a lot of rumors around that Kaworu's a Coordinator. Superior hearing would be among the least surprising of his abilities.
When Liam says he understands, Kaworu's smile widens. "I'm glad I could help you, Liam," he replies. "I know we've strayed somewhat from the topic of the Ninth Angel, but I had the sense from you that this is more the topic that was actually bothering you."
He pauses. "That being said, if you want to discuss Angels any further..."
<Pose Tracker> Liam 7-020 has posed.
"I'm glad, too," Liam says. He smiles, and it's like a faint ray of sunlight in an otherwise stormy sky. "I was... afraid you had something more important, but I'm glad. I'm glad I did this."
There are layers they've yet to breach, of course, but those can come later.
"That's all for now. Hearing it was... all right to feel for the enemy is... relieving."