2022-05-31: Explanation
- Log: Explanation
- Cast: Kaworu Nagisa, Anti
- Where: Tsutsujidai
- Date: 2022-05-31
- Summary: Kaworu explains the situation to Anti.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Summer is eternal in Tsutsujidai--and yet, the school year grinds on from season to season. If anyone were inclined to question things in the lazy little town, they might find it odd... but those who are in the know already have a general idea of why things work that way, and those that aren't wouldn't question it regardless.
Kaworu doesn't mind. Temperature in general tends not to bother him, but he's used to a world of eternal summer. In that way, being here is a little nostalgic. He transferred in last month (if one can call it "transferring" since he didn't actually stop attending his old school) and has keep an eye on things here ever since. Akane had been out of school for two whole weeks recently, which was concerning... but it's not his desire to pressure her, so he hasn't ask her about it. Yet.
It has made him wonder, though. He talked to Akane before about Anti, but aside from a single conversation, he hasn't heard much about him since. Kaworu's wanted to talk to him personally, but Akane has been less than enthusiastic, and Anti doesn't seem to ever be at her home...
Well, why not handle it now, before June--and several important events of early June in particular--kicks in?
And so, once schools lets out, Kaworu begins a lengthy stroll through town. The school area... downtown... the graveyard... the park... There, in particular, Kaworu decides to ascend to the top of the gazebo-like structure. He does so by hopping up; he wafts gently upwards and lands atop the center as lightly as a feather.
It's only here that he can get away with doing such things casually. For a world that is essentially a cage, it's ironically freeing.
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
Real kaiju users don't sleep -- but kaiju do.
It's hard to find him, at first glance. All tucked away in a tree, you have to look for that tell-tale navy and its flamelike endings, dangling like a leg from a branch. He's sprawled in the crook of two of them, and his arms are his pillow, all sagged down in the middle between them.
There is a modest selection of food -- some of which is clearly spoiled and scavenged, though other items are from vending machines -- tucked into a plastic bag hanging from another of those branches.
The trick is to look for the fountain. He sleeps off the path near there, because it's the easiest source of water.
His hands -- and the hint of ankle exposed by that dangling leg -- are so dark grey as to be almost black.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu hasn't seen Anti before, but... he does bear a certain similarity to Akane, and more tellingly, he has a different presence compared to most other residents of Tsutsujidai. As he gazes out of the vistas of Tsutsujidai Park, his line of sight takes him down to the fountain, and from there, a pathway, and from there, a certain tree... Kaworu considers it for a long moment before he hops down, as light and delicate as when he hopped up, and strolls over to the foot of that tree.
Once there, he looks up, hands tucked in his pockets. He notes the plastic bag and the fetid scent that emerges from it, and the almost-blackened parts of Anti's hands and ankles. Those would be... Kaworu frowns slightly. That's worrisome.
All the same, he's found who he meant to find. As such, he calls back a gentle smile and calls up to him, "Hey. You're Anti, aren't you? Would it be all right if we talked for a while?"
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
One doleful eye cracks open, the colour of sunset. Anti glares down, at Kaworu, from his reclined position in his tree. (By some counts, you could call it his home. This is where he sleeps and keeps his food, after all.)
"Who are you," he demands, too suspicious to remember his rising tone. He plants one dark hand against the treebranch and pushes himself up, leaping down with nary a scratch or wobble.
He probably doesn't have the height advantage down here -- he's a few inches over four feet, which is, importantly, Shorter Than Akane -- but he glowers with a burning-ember intensity which demands to know how someone knows him in the first place.
One of Kaworu's questions lies unanswered, as much as the other is implicitly told.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu is definitely taller than Anti, being closer to six feet than five, but his stance remains relaxed and his demeanor unthreatened and unthreatening even as Anti glares at him and leaps down from his vantage point. He also doesn't kneel down for him, but at least he keeps his hands in his pockets. He means him no harm, his body language says. Whether Anti trusts that or not is his own decision.
"I'm Kaworu. Kaworu Nagisa. You may have heard about me from Shinjo-san," he replies. "Like you, I'm a monster, made to serve someone else's purposes."
His scarlet eyes flick again towards Anti's hands then. He doesn't hide the gesture, nor the way his smile thins out a bit. Still, when he returns his gaze to meet Anti's, he remains as placid as ever. "I've been wanting to talk to you for a while. We spoke once before when you rampaged around in Nouvelle Tokyo, trying to destroy the train stations--do you remember? I was in the orange robot."
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
"I don't know you." Anti says, closed-tone, closed-expression. In his dismissal he says a terrible amount on how Akane Shinjo talks to him, day to day.
He's not comfortable with how much Kaworu seems to know about him, no matter how approachable he tries to make himself -- but it's only carried in the way Anti's arms fold over his chest, the way he faces Kaworu head-on and does not look away, the tension carried in his shoulders and his curling fingertips.
He is taciturn, glaring silently, until Kaworu brings up that last piece of information. Here, his eyes narrow, frown deepening. "You're NERV," he realises, immediately. His dark fingers grip at the crook of his elbows, for a too-tense moment.
If he knows about his activities in Death Knight... NERV knows, too.
If NERV knows, then...
No. He needs more information.
"Fine." Anti says, with a downwards jerk of his chin which is only really half a nod, charitably speaking. "Speak, Kaworu Nagisa."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
'I don't know you,' Anti says, and everything about his stance to his tone says he's telling the truth. Though, even if he were lying, Kaworu wouldn't know. He always has been weak to getting lied to. Generally only hard facts can protect him there, and what hard facts are there about the heart?
So Kaworu's smile fades completely away. If Anti doesn't know him, that means Akane has never talked to him about him, even though Kaworu urged her to explain things more patiently to him, even offered to talk to Anti together with her. Had she lied about talking to Anti...? It's possible that she did so without ever mentioning him, but... It does leave him sad. The question might normally be, is it Kaworu that Akane values too little to talk about, or Anti that she values too little to tell things? But based on the way Akane has acted about Anti to him... it's almost certainly the latter.
"That's right," he says aloud, of being of NERV. Whatever the case is, Anti clearly isn't at ease with him, doesn't trust him. So, as his own sort of peace offering, he clarifies, "But NERV doesn't know I'm a monster. If they did, they would likely destroy me."
In other words, if Anti went to NERV with that information, he could get Kaworu killed. It's a big thing that Kaworu's trusting him with. When Anti invites him to speak in that commanding way of his, Kaworu smiles at him. Then he looks up at the tree in which the younger kaiju had been roosting. "Do you prefer to live out in nature, Anti? Or are you being made to live that way?"
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
Anti's frown knits, a little twist of his lips, as Kaworu hands him an informational knife just like that. He listens to his questions, and after a quick inventory of everything he's learned, he applies the best tool he's copied to this situation: "... what are you stupid? I don't have a reason to keep your secrets."
Thanks, Asuka.
He glowers a moment longer, before he takes a breath, in through his nose. "..." His lips part, for a moment; a further delay.
"I'm not allowed inside." The explanation is gruff and abrupt, when it comes. "Unless I'm invited. Or there's an 'open' sign." These, he adds after a beat; lessons learned after the first.
(Lessons from whom? If he just mimicked Asuka, he's clearly learning from more than just Akane.)
"But if I elevate my food, animals won't eat it." This, added finally, is a very important lesson.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"...You've picked up much from Asuka Shikinami Langley, I see," Kaworu replies. Is that dismay? Yes, it is. All the same, he accepts it in stride and adds, "But no, I suppose not. I shared it with you as a token of my good will, as you apparently haven't been told anything about me, but that doesn't obligate you to accept it in that spirit. You can keep that secret or use it as a weapon against me as you will. I'll accept your judgment either way."
He's not allowed inside. "Inside Shinjo-san's home?" he wonders. But then Anti clarifies, and it appears Anti isn't welcome anywhere in Tsutsujidai. The fact that he needs to elevate his food to keep animals from eating it is just logical once that becomes apparent. "....I see."
For a moment, Kaworu simply regards Anti, expression faintly troubled. For all he tried to advocate for Anti to Akane, did she decide to throw him away after all? If so, there's nothing he can do about that. This isn't his world; he's merely watching over it. But then, that's true of every world he's been in, regardless of how involved he's ever been. A rueful smile plays at the corners of his lips.
"What are your feelings on Shinjo-san and Alexis Kerib?" he asks next. How Anti stances towards the two of them will tell him much--including how to proceed further, or if he even should.
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
Anti grunts vague affirmation, when Kaworu notices who she's copying from. If he's displeased about it, that's not Anti's problem.
"Good will..." He echoes, as if the concept is foreign to him. He's puzzled by the idea of showing weakness as an overture, but -- he doesn't deny it, either. One more thing to file away.
He doesn't really understand why Kaworu is looking at him like that, though.
The softness of confusion is shortly replaced once more by the tension of his questions, though. "It's none of your business," he answers, automatically. Closed off; closed away. This, too, he has learned.
But his lips part, to draw in deeper breath. He is not just dismissive -- he is nervous.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It certainly isn't. All of this is something Kaworu decided to make his own problem.
The fact that Anti is confused by the concept of good will is telling, too. He hasn't been shown any kind of kindness so far, has he? Or if he has, it's been so slight that it's failed to take root. What a cold existence that is... The way he talks, the way his keeps his heart closed and spiked outward, really is a lot like Asuka. She'd mentioned that she'd talked to him--even showed Kaworu a picture of him once--but he hadn't realized how much of an impression she'd made. Or perhaps they've grown close in their own way, strange as it is to consider...
Either way, he continues. Anti tenses up again, not just in hostility but in fear. He doesn't know Kaworu's intentions--only knows that he's opposed him at least once before--therefore he fears him. It's only reasonable. He's so young, after all.
"It is my business," Kaworu thus counters calmly. "I consider Shinjo-san a friend, and Alexis Kerib an enemy. I'm deeply troubled by how he is using her and guiding her down the path to self-destruction. I'd like to help her and protect her from him, if I can. If you still want to protect Shinjo-san, then we can be powerful allies to one another. If, instead, you're loyal to Alexis Kerib, then I suppose that makes us enemies also."
He falls silent then, watching Anti watch him, and awaits his response.
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
Anti's head snaps up, just so, when Kaworu declares Alexis Kerib his enemy. His jaw snaps shut; his lips press tightly together. Beneath his ember-boiling intensity is -- a distinct form of shock.
Which could mean two very different things, really; and he isn't much for explaining, in the moments which follow.
"..." Anti says, without voice, without words. His lips part, with no volume; he is not someone whose input is required.
His fingers slip from the crooks of his elbows, to grasp the far edges of them, instead. A little more holding himself together. (Or perhaps that's too many words.)
"Akane Shinjo... is in danger?" He says, slowly, finally. With more pressure -- so much more pressure, he is compressed quite, quite small at present moment -- he snaps: "Tell me!"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It's fine if Anti is shocked. Kaworu is telling him these things so directly because he has the sense from him that he is pure and straightforward, that there will be no lies or deceptions between them. It's very refreshing, really, even if he's not happy about the influences Anti's had. Kaworu's at least partly at fault there; he knew that Anti was being undervalued, potentially even mistreated, but didn't make meeting him directly a priority.
But there are no sins that can't be atoned for. If he regrets that, he can fix it going forward, starting with this encounter. As Anti clutches himself tighter and harder, Kaworu watches him, unsmiling, concern glimmering in his gaze.
"You weren't aware? You're the one who's been using the Deathknight that Alexis Kerib acquired for you," he points out. "But then, it's also clear that you've been informed of extremely little..." He considers for a second; then he nods. "Yes. Akane Shinjo is in danger. Alexis Kerib has been grooming her to bring out her baser emotions and marinate in her misery for his own entertainment. He intends to guide her down this dark path until he's wrung her dry; then he intends to move on to the next girl he's been grooming for this same sort of thing. I know because I've met that next girl. If he has his eyes on a replacement, then allowing him to have his way means Akane Shinjo will not last much longer."
Kaworu lifts his gaze towards a certain part of the city--the direction of Akane's house. "...I haven't told Shinjo-san this. I'm unable to. Or more precisely, if I do, Alexis Kerib will harm someone dear to me. I find those terms unacceptable." He looks back to Anti, deadly serious. "...and even if I told her, I'm not sure she would believe me. Shinjo-san is aware on some level that something is amiss with her relationship to Alexis Kerib, but superficially she's convinced herself that she can do nothing without him. This is not by accident. Alexis Kerib has poisoned her mind, and will continue to poison it until he bores of her and moves on."
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
Anti glares, at Kaworu, as he listens to what he has to say. His blackened fingers dig into the fabric of his uniform.
He's... wringing them dry?
He's... going to replace Akane...
Anti is an auto-intelligence kaiju; by definition, he takes in information. He learns. And nothing Kaworu says, here, necessarily conflicts with what he knows of Alexis Kerib.
"I..." He starts, drags the word out of his chest, kicking and screaming.
"... know how... to tell her."
The low tremor of his voice clamps down, stern, as he repeats himself.
"I know how."
He sees the shape of it immediately, the language Akane Shinjo speaks. He knows what he can do, though he knows not how to do it.
He blinks, heavily.
"Even so, I was created to kill Gridman. I must... defeat the Vessels of Light. That's the reason I exist."
For the first time, Anti looks away.
"Only Akane Shinjo could change that."
And all the forcefulness in his speech, in that moment, falls down to something overlooked and lost.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
The fact that Anti's immediate concern was for Akane's safety told Kaworu that he does still want to protect her. So when Anti says that he knows how to tell her, it's not a surprise. However, it's also not a relief. Nothing in Anti's tone, his body language, says that this is a good thing. He speaks, and he says he knows how, but that he was created to kill Gridman. It's his reason for existing.
Kaworu nods in acceptance. He's lived that lie too. It's not one that will be easily dispelled. "I've tried to suggest to Shinjo-san that she talk to Gridman--negotiate peace with him. But she's bought into Alexis's lie that only destroying the Vessels of Light will bring the peace she desires. As long as she is taken in by his deceptions, it's unlikely she will make that change for you.
"It is thus a change you must make yourself."
For a long moment, Kaworu says nothing further. He simply gazes at Anti steadily. Whether his words mean that it is impossible, or that Anti must remake himself by himself, he doesn't clarify; he leaves him to interpret that on his own.
Once that moment passes, though, he smiles kindly. "If protecting your food is important to you, you must enjoy eating," he says, perhaps a non-sequitur to the younger kaiju. "Would you like to go somewhere to eat while we talk further? I'll handle the bill for you."
Whether an alliance goes anywhere or not, Kaworu would like to do something for him. Feeding him is one way to start.
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
But as soon as Kaworu suggests he make that change, something does change, in Anti --
Aggression.
His hands lift, ready-stanced, in front of him; he bristles, teeth all grit. "You want me to abandon my reason for existing?! Like hell I will! I still mean something!" And it is so much easier to believe this boy was in Death Knight -- that he is the kaiju plaguing Tsutsujidai -- when his voice rises, and his anger sparks.
"That's what I'm supposed to do!"
It may have been an error -- to say that Akane is the only one being wrung out, in the horrific machinations of Tsutsujidai. It becomes clear as soon as Anti is forced to look at what he was gesturing towards, with such reticent caution.
"I don't need your help!" Anti slams the door in the face of Kaworu's offer; another little thing he's copied, over the months. And if he isn't leaving, well --
This is the where he sleeps. Kaiju can get territorital quite easily, can't they?
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It's not surprising to Kaworu, all considered, that Anti's hackles rise with the topic of Gridman--and the implication that he should abandon his mission of murdering him. Perhaps it was a misstep to bring that up. Even so, Kaworu still doesn't stance aggressively back. He remains calm, relaxed, hands in his pockets, neither stepping towards him nor stepping back. He has made his stance known from the very start. He will not abandon it. No matter how forcefully Anti screams out his rejection.
"Correct. You mean something. But you're also misguided on one point: you mean something whether you live according to your creator-given purpose or not. Continuing to live believing otherwise is a trap you've fallen into--a trap that once had me ensnared as well," he replies, as gentle as he is unyielding.
He smiles ruefully at Anti's insistence that it's what he's supposed to do. He knows well from Akane's rants about him how to respond to that:
"Do you always do what you're supposed to do, then?"
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
"Screw that! I'm a kaiju! A kaiju! I was made to do this! I won't let ANYONE take that away from me!" Anti yells, into the gentle wall Kaworu presents.
But even as he says it, there's one other factor he can't ignore: not all kaiju were made for that purpose, in Tsutsujidai. It's in the twitch of his fingers, the breath he draws in between his grit teeth.
That last question --
Discomfort enters the anger of his eyes; Anti straightens, hands falling back to his sides. "...", again, that way he starts to speak and fails to.
"... no. I'm a failure." Anti says, finally. "A useless brat... when I think of my own solutions, they're pointless. I get in the way... I'm doing a crappy job of killing him. I was designed to adapt, but I don't understand anything. So... of course she'd ask why I'm here."
Maybe overtures of weakness do work. This is none of Kaworu's business, after all.
It's not like Anti thinks he has any interiority of his own to be wounded, so why would it matter?
"But that's why," he insists, voice quiet again -- a different type of tension to it, all wound up like a twisted string. "No matter what, I must fulfil my purpose. When I do well... she's happy with me. She explains what she wants to do. I don't have to guess. She's kind to me then." Which may suggest, at least, that Akane did employ Kaworu's suggestions once upon a time -- even if she never mentioned his name.
Anti is scared of Akane being discarded, but it's not a theoretical fear.
To him, the threat is real and omnipresent
and it does not come from Alexis Kerib, not so directly.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Anti yells that he is a kaiju. Kaworu doesn't argue with him on this point; he only nods twice, gaze sympathetic and maybe annoyingly understanding. His patience is rewarded when Anti deflates in the face of his question, though what he says is not pleasant for anyone.
After all, the way he describes himself sounds an awful lot like how Akane describes him. Alexis is dripping poison into Akane's heart, and from there she drips it in turn into Anti's. It's no wonder he reflects Asuka so well.
Still, as Anti bares his own weakness, Kaworu listens without interrupting. He already said it is his business, even if it at the time he meant something adjacent to this. Adjacent is still connected. So it's true whether Anti believes it or not.
That's why, he says--because when he does well, she treats him kindly. It is nice to know that Akane isn't terrible to him all the time... but in its own way, it only makes it worse. It means her love is hopelessly conditional. It means he can only earn it by accomplishing something he's continually failed to do.
Even so, he still wants to earn it. Even now.
"You really are a marvelously made kaiju," he says softly, his smile nothing but sincere. "I told Shinjo-san this already, but there's nothing more valuable than loyalty. You have that to her in spades; she's really very fortunate to have you." His smile dims. "I'm sorry she doesn't treat you that way."
He gives Anti a moment to digest that. He's not sure if he'll believe him, but it's what he truly believes. If Akane won't pass that along, he will. Which is why Kaworu continues, "You've been told nothing... so I will tell you everything. But only if that is what you desire. If it isn't, I won't force it on you further. And if you're unsure, I'll give you time to consider it. Being told something is meaningless if you cannot trust the source." He nods to the horizon in a certain direction. "I attend Tsutsujidai High School as a freshman. I don't come every day, but if you go there, you can at least leave a message for me. If you leave one saying you want to speak again, I'll come meet you where you desire. We can talk more then."
It's then, and only then, that Kaworu takes one step backwards--a sign that he's above to leave, that he'll return the time and space he took from him in approaching him like this. He doesn't leave just yet, though. First, he looks down at Anti's hands. "Regardless... please allow me to offer you a warning: you should do something to rid yourself of those marks. Their cause is dangerous, too."
And then he meets Anti's gaze again. "By the way, the offer of a meal is still open. If you'd rather not have my company... they should accept this at the convenience store." He pulls a hand out of one pocket and extends a small pile of gilla bills. It's unclear if they were there before he pulled them out. Either way, it's Anti's for the taking--if he chooses to accept it.
<Pose Tracker> Anti has posed.
Trials and tribulations make the monster which is Anti. Always he is thwarted; never does he cease.
But why, he thinks, does he feel pained when someone praises him? Kaworu apologises for her, but...
(Is Kaworu really the one who should apologise, to Anti? Or, as Ako said --)
His eyes blink shut, heavily, again -- for a beat too long, before he returns his attention to Kaworu. Anti is a creature who watches carefully and intently; this, too, is what he has learned.
Power comes from being unobserved. Threats are less threatening, in full view. When he knows what's coming -- when it can't sneak up on him.
It's... uncomfortable, the idea that he's being mistreated. It's uncomfortable because he can no more deny it than any other truth he unveils.
It's uncomfortable because Akane learned it from somewhere, and Kaworu has so helpfully spelled out his worst intuitions.
When Kaworu moves to pin his information on what Anti desires, it's -- it's strange, really. Anti is an auto-intelligence kaiju; he is designed to learn. But... he'd always taken it as a given. Reframed as a choice, it's confronting enough for Anti to fall silent, watching Kaworu carefully.
He still doesn't entirely trust him. ... he doesn't entirely distrust him, either.
Anti frowns, looking down at his hands. He scratches at the back of one, reminded of the marks. "I'm fine," he insists, just like she does.
He's not fine, but he's not about to go to BioNet and ask what happened.
When Kaworu's hand leaves his pockets, Anti's attention snaps to it, immediately. But, he's offering money -- and with quickness and caution, the kaiju in the shape of a boy darts forward to grab it before putting distance between himself and Kaworu again.
He clutches it, and says, after a moment: "All right."
Just what he's agreeing to is a little ambiguous -- but perhaps it's not as important as the fact that he does agree.
A perfect copy of Sousuke Sagara, Anti insists: "I'll protect Akane Shinjo."
And then he turns, and starts walking.
(In the direction of the convenience store, as it happens.)
(Turning his back on Kaworu, as it happens.)
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Someone needs to apologize, don't they? And even if Kaworu isn't the one who should, he can still be sorry that this is the situation Anti is in.
"You're not," Kaworu tells him plainly, as he has said all things up until now. Talking to Anti is refreshing like that. It's not as though he speaks in opaque terms to others for the fun of it, but Kaworu is always aware that there are things he must always hold back, things that he knows that can't be easily conveyed. Everything he has to say to Anti, by contrast, is very simple. It's nice to speak and be understood. Even if the message he speaks is rejected, it's still understood.
But he also told Anti he wouldn't push anything on him further, so Kaworu also leaves it at that. When Anti snatches up those folded-up bills, Kaworu slips his hand back in his pocket, then nods at the other little monster's response. When he states further that he'll protect Akane, a smile spreads across his lips like the dawn.
"Good," he replies.
He watches Anti turn and leave (for the convenience store). He watches him walk away (exposing his back). For a long while, he only watches. That's been true of him many a time in many a parallel world. But this time, there is hope.
There is always hope.
Humming Debussy's Claire de Lune to himself, Kaworu turns and strolls away too.