2022-05-25: The Whole Messy Package
- Log: The Whole Messy Package
- Cast: Arriety Hearn, Eight York
- Where: Ra Mari
- Date: 25th May 2022
- Summary: Arriety returns from a difficult party and confides in Eight.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety went with Rena and Anita to a fancy black-tie party as a representative of the Londo Bell in Shenzhen, China; she was looking pretty apprehensive about the whole thing before, and by the time she's arrived in the Ra Mari again... well, she looks about as good as she expected it to go.
She still looks really nice in her rental dress, though. She found a black dress with thick, long sleeves that she tops off with kind of her clashing gloves, and possibly borrowed some jewelry from Rena and Eight both.
Myrme, on the other hand, looks chuffed as hell with how plump she is. (She found a scrapyard out front to gorge on, and didn't even need the hors d'ouevres from the party.)
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
A fancy party!! Eight actually enjoys fancy parties, but she was busy for this one, and couldn't attend. She was happy to lend Arriety a pair of earrings, though, which she thought would look rather nice on her. And so, when Arriety arrives again--
There is Eight, in uniform, to greet her at the shuttle bay. "Ah-ri!" she exclaims as she sees her, and looks her down and up. "You look great!" she says, and does not say the same to Myrme, though Myrme gets a little wave down, as she looks up at Arriety again. "Welcome back. How'd it go?"
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety looks pretty worn down -- which is pretty usual and nothing out of the ordinary after she's been somewhere social -- but her aura has a somewhat dark and erratic atmosphere to it, like she's been on edge. She bites her lip, then slumps by her side. "It was so hard," she grumbles. "I don't know how I end up having to show up to so many parties..."
She sucks in a breath. "I'm... mm. I feel a bit unsettled about something." She glances around, as Myrme wanders off to the mobile suit in the distance. "Can we talk...?"
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Arriety's difficulty with socializing doesn't dampen Eight's efforts to support her in it; she smiles somewhat gently at her when she sees that... but she worries a little at that dark, erratic quality to her aura. Arriety grumbles, and Eight nods. "Yeah," she says, "It's rough on you. But you made it through!"
Unsettled...
"Sure," Eight says, gesturing to Arriety to join her. "Do you want some privacy? The receiving room just over here is free, or we could go back to my quarters."
Of course they can talk.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety nods gently to Eight as she thinks between the two... then says, "Your quarters, maybe. If you aren't busy with something else. I could kinda go off my feet for a moment."
She breathes in hard, then exhales. "There was this... lady that we encountered in the party that was kind of..." A pause. "Mmm. I think Rena had trouble with her too," she explains as they walk. Oh, she doesn't even know theh alf of it...
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"Sure. It's fine; all that's on my schedule right now is talking to you." She smiles, and starts leading the way, walking beside Arriety through the corridors on her way to her quarters. It will take a little walking to get there, but no one is going to stop them. Eight's the Captain, after all. And most people are busy at their own stations at the moment...
"A lady?" Eight inquires. Difficult. Hm. "What kind of trouble?" she wonders. If /Rena/ had trouble with her, that's something notable too.
But she's willing to hear Arriety out.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety takes a moment to think as she idly grabs hold of a lift grip, zipping along in low-gravity as she ends up floating towards the entrance to Eight's room. "Her name's Yuliana. She's an ace from the REA, I think? She had... hmm."
She glances aside. "I mean, she looks like a normal lady, but my senses are really muted or even quiet around her... I think Rena was sensing the same thing too." A pause. "To be honest, I kinda liked it... having some peace and quiet for once. It was kind of vertigo-inducing, but... not that bad."
A frown. "But to be honest... I'm not sure, but I think she has some kind of grudge... I didn't have to have my senses to know there was some hostility there."
The younger, black-haired girl weaves into the room and plops on the bed. "... I felt really defensive the way she talked to Rena and Anita. We didn't get to yelling or anything, but I felt really worked up."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight follows along, agile in low-gravity like on the ship tends to be. "Yuliana... from the REA." Eight repeats it more to get it into her memory than out of any confusion. But she had something? And her senses...
That reminds Eight of something, she thinks. "So, you mean--not just 'you can't sense her much', like Lavhi, but everybody else was quiet around her too?" She has to make sure. Vertigo-inducing... "Well, vertigo's not great. But I can see why the quiet would be nice, yeah."
Eight's used to it; she can process it; but...
"I see." Hostility...
Eight lets Arriety in and smiles to see her flop down, despite the subject. The bed is made, and comfortable; Eight's room is bigger than most of the rooms on the ship, with a built-in- console on the wall that can be pulled out to work on but right now is just a clock, as well as her own restroom and shower off the main cabin. It's not bad to be the Captain.
"She was... rude? Or just kinda.. Like That?" Eight wonders. Hmmm. "Well, that sucks. Tensions at that kind of party are the worst, since you've gotta be polite about it. ...So you don't think she was just one of those Blue Cosmos types, huh? Just her getting ude with a bunch of spacenoids?"
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"More quiet than Lavhi," Arriety explains. "Lavhi's just kinda quiet in his own space, which is nice, but her..." She stretches her arms out. "It was like there's a space around her where I can't sense anything. I kinda wonder if that's something she trained to be able to do..."
The unspoken part is 'it sure would be nice if I could turn the psychic senses off too, sometime'. But it's not really that easy.
"She wasn't rude. But you don't have to be rude to be hostile, I know," Arriety remarks. "I've never met her before, and I don't think Rena and Anita have either. ... yeah, like... tension."
She wonders about Eight's words. Was it garden variety spaceism? "Mmm... I mean, I can't rule it out, but it felt a bit more personal somehow. It's a hunch, but... it felt a bit more directed."
The Korean girl frowns to say, "At some point she asked me if I wanted a quiet life, given I got thrown into this against my choice..." She closes her eyes. "It made me reflect on a lot of things, but... it also made me realise..."
She presses her lips. "I told her I'd do anything to defend all of you. And at that point I realised maybe the answer is 'no'... I felt something so raw and sharp, Eight. Like I would really earnestly bring down a lot of violence and anger down on someone if anyone hurt-- Rena, Anita, Minae, Callie, or you..."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"Hmmm. Okay." Eight thinks she gets it. That's... different. "I dunno," she admits about training. "I've never heard of anything like that, but I guess it would have to be possible." To blank out connections; if you can make them, you can muffle them. It's like sound, or sight, or any other sense. Right? ...Maybe.
Eight gives Arriety a wave of sympathy mentally at her wish, but no, it's not that easy.
"Right. I get that." Eight knows all about being hostile without being rude. She's not bad at it herself, all those times she got mad on Arriety's behalf and had to pretend like it was cool...
"I trust your instincts," Eight says of the hunch, moving over to take a seat on the bed by Arriety's feet, so she can look over at her. The question--well, the question interests Eight. Does Arriety want a quiet life?
Eight is quiet, at the answer. Arriety can probably sense a certain amount of worry. Not just worry, though; a certain amount of understanding, too. She knows anger, too. Anger on behalf of others...
"...It's the flip side of caring about somebody. You want to help them... but you want to hurt the things that hurt them, too. Is it like that?"
"I feel it, a little... The way you talk about it."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
"I guess it makes... some sense," Arriety admits with a squint of her eyes. "People talk so much about Newtypes, there's got to be something that's like the opposite of a Newtype, right? ... at least, that's what it feels like. Instead of making connections... you reject them."
It must be so lonely, to be in a black hole, out of reach of everyone...
"Hm... I touched a nerve, maybe," Arriety supposes. You think?????
Eight's sympathy is strong and refreshing, though, lapping against the darkness of her presence; softly, slowly, it becomes more pliant and gentle.
"I spent a lot of time thinking... that part of me isn't real, it's just a mood or stress, but..." Arriety frowns quietly. "That's running away from the reality of it, I think. Everyone gets angry... but..."
Arriety hesitates and rubs her chin gently, as she leans against her on the bed. "The last few times I've been in a fight... I feel like I've come closer to seeing the parts of me I maybe shied away from. I'm not going to beat myself up and say I'm a horrible person or anything--"
--even as Akane's words of I think that's kind of a crappy thing to feel reverberate in her guilt chamber--
"--but... it's given me a lot to realise and think about. Maybe that's the way to put it."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
"Yeah. Any more than that, well. I'm not science girl," Eight says, willing to leave the matter at that. She figures it's enough that it's Possible for now.
"Mm. Well, that could be. It'd explain why she got so hostile I guess."
Eight reaches out to Arriety, setting a hand down on the bed in the direction of her hand. That's it, for now, but she reaches out mentally, too. And she listens...
"Yeah. They taught me... You gotta acknowledge the ugly parts of yourself, too. Or you'll never be 'whole'. So anger gets ugly, but it's part of us, too."
"You're not a horrible person," Eight says firmly, because she knows it. "...But I think that anger's probably all the more intense because you try not to feel it, then. Like... you're under pressure, and you've covered up all the holes the steam can blow out of, so it just builds, and builds, and builds."
"...But I'm just guessing; maybe what I'm saying isn't what you feel! I don't wanna talk over your feelings, you know?"
"But I think it's good that you're thinking about it, anyway. Better to think about it now than just... be overtaken by your feelings, out there."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety reached back for that hand and squeezes Eight's fingers gently, closing her eyes as she focuses on that feeling for now. Eight's own wave, her feelings, her worry... her everything.
Acknowledging the ugly parts of oneself...
She does wonder who the 'they' Eight mention is. The therapists from when they were kids? They went through quite a lot before she met Minae. "I notice... it works the other way too. When I feel really sad, I try to deny the part of me that's been trying. It kind of works both ways... but it's just as destructive to deny one side of yourself..."
Eight's analogy of not having a pressure valve to let steam off makes sense to her. "Builds and builds... and-- well, in battle, that can end up being really violent too."
She smiles a bit more tenderly as Eight says she doesn't want to talk over her. "You're not doing that. It's... really helpful. ... I feel like it's happened before -- you've seen that... fire, from the Zeta. The way the psychic resonance gets magnified..."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight keeps her hand in Arriety's, for now.
Eight doesn't exactly hide it; she had more therapists than the rest, even, as she got older. She kept seeing them for a long while, even into her teenage years. From that earliest time around when she wouldn't even speak unless asked to...
"Yeah," Eight agrees. "The whole messy package. That's what we are, as people. Sad, and mad, and happy, and all of it."
In battle it /can/ be violent. "It worried me," Eight admits of the psychic fire, the magnified resonance. "...But I'm glad it's helping, what I'm saying. I think..."
She has to think about what she thinks, leaning back a little, propping herself up with her free hand. "Do you think that's what that is? The pressure boiling over? It worries me. It helps you fight, but... it takes you away, too."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety feels a little more scared when Eight hits upon those words--
It helps you fight... but it takes you away too.
"I... haven't quite worked up the courage to admit it, but a few times now..." Arriety hesitates. "I've... ... mm." She glances aside. "I wanna say it's a hallucination, but it feels more intense and real than that. Minae said my pupils shrink when it happens, since she's been onboard the mobile suit... it happens really quickly."
She lifts her head up. "I get taken to this... beautiful pool, just ankle deep, and there's a big set of doors in front of me. They open, and... I can see my parents. They're laughing, beckoning to me... 'This way, Ah-ri', they say..."
A frown. "Callie-sis and the others were there to snap me out of it, but I know... somehow I know, if I did go through that door... I'm not going to make it back here."
Arriety bites her lip. "It's happened twice now, Eight. I don't know if it's the Zeta doing it, or something else... but you're right when it says it helps me fight... it's trying to take me away too." She kinda looks like she knows she's partially dodging it -- it's not 'anyone' that's taking her away... it's her own feelings.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
So she's felt it. It /does/ do that. Eight isn't just feeling things or just guessing, but she's right. Eight's certainty is something Arriety can feel as she confirms it for her, and that makes Eight squeeze Arriety's hand a little more herself.
It happens quickly... It's like a hallucination, but more intense. Eight listens, and Arriety can feel her worry, her anxiety for losing Arriety, underneath her cheer and support--she tries to keep that support a pillar, but it's just true that she worries too. But what she sees...
"I think you're right," she says first. "...Whether it's a hallucination or something else... I trust your instincts there."
"...It's hard, huh?" Eight asks. "...I'm gonna say something, and it's OK if you don't wanna talk about it. All right?"
She thinks about it... and she says, "This thing that wants to take you away... It's probably part of you too, isn't it? ...that part of you wants to escape. Is that it?" A pause. "...It's OK, if it is. The whole messy package, right?"
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety feels that squeeze on her hand, returning it very gently. She sort of knew Eight could have probably felt it -- she knows Eight is very receptive on these kinds of levels, and she was within the vicinity of the battles she's been in, after all...
Then Eight says she's going to say something -- and it's okay if she doesn't want to talk about it in turn. Arriety swallows hard.
Because... as Eight says the words, they don't come as a surprise. It comes off more as a... gentle unveiling, perhaps, like someone hiding who knows they've been spotted. ... the feelings are still intense, though, and she feels a tear roll down as she nods. "... mm. And that's... really hard to admit. Who wants to admit that to their closest friends...? It feels like you just hurt people when you admit that..."
She breathes in hard and firm. "On that day, when I was six... when I was waiting for my parents to come off off work. When that mobile suit appeared and..." Her parents were washed away in a flood of light. The same flood of light that scarred her arms too. And that mysterious presence inside the suit...
"I've never... I've never really become okay with that."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
A gentle unveiling... Eight is relieved that it's more like that than it could've been. She waits, for an answer--and shifts, twisting on the bed to move up to give Arriety a hug, as that tear falls down her face.
"Mm..."
She doesn't interrupt. Instead, she waits. That day... Eight doesn't know what that's like; she doesn't remember clearly being as young as six at all. She certainly doesn't remember her birth parents, not enough to know what it's like to lose them.
"...Your feelings are your feelings," Eight says after a little while. "...It's hard," Eight agrees. "But I'd rather you acknowledge it than not. A feeling you can't express... Well, like I said about building. It gets stronger. It gets worse."
"...I don't really have anything I can say to make that better," she admits. "But I'm here for you. You can feel however you want about it, OK?"
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
The hug is comforting, and very much needed at the moment -- Arriety feels her covered, scarred arms wrapping around her, gently. Still hidden, and yet... bared, in a different sense.
She sort of understands Eight's circumstance -- that perhaps she's never quite had the same struggle, since she and Rena had to escape... that's a different kind of difficulty. To never have known, rather than to have lost...
"Stronger... and worse," Arriety remarks. "Feelings sure are tough, aren't they...?"
She lowers her head, and gently slacks from the hug. "There's an Ah-ri that wants to run away, escape it all, who's frightened, frustrated, angry, even violent... the Ah-ri that's going to lash out at anyone who tries to hurt her." A pause.
"... but it's equally true there's an Ah-ri that's-- that's been going to the Nadesico, been learning Korean cooking, wants to go to Korea to see how it is... the Ah-ri that's been making tiny steps forward."
She swallows gently, with a smile. "... often I'm scared people only want one or the other. That I only want one or the other. But... it's the whole messy package, as you said, Eight..."
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Even if it's not the /same/ struggle Eight's had, that has never stopped her from feeling for other struggles. ...Or from wanting to shield Arriety a little, like in this moment, where a hug looks very much like shelter. Stronger...
"They are," Eight agrees. There's a reason she's so accustomed to drowning some of her feelings in--well. Let's call it romance. But she can face them too, and she has done so for a long time... which is the only reason she can stay so solid in the face of all the awful things they see in this era.
When Arriety goes slack, Eight doesn't force the matter. She squeezes once, but lets her otherwise relax, and relaxes her arms a little too.
"That's right," Eight says when she finishes. "I care about all the Ah-ris. And I'll give the one who wants to run away an extra hug, because she needs it. ...And tell you I'm proud of the one stepping forward, too."
"It's just like that. The whole you."
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
They all have that desire, don't they? Arriety might want to lash out and bite, instead, but it's out of that same feeling of wanting to shield... to shelter. And right now, it does feel very warm and safe at the moment...
She knows Eight has her ways of handling feelings -- some that she doesn't, some that she has, some that she's yet to learn... "Hmm... I like the sound of that," she smiles a bit more sweetly, as Eight suggests one of her should get an extra hug. Then decides to cash that in immediately as she wraps her arms back around her.
The whole her. Knowing the whole of her is loved... without condition. A lot of people don't have that, she knows. It feels like a luxury... it shouldn't be.
"I'm-- giving you all of me, as well," she says with a bit of a blush.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Arriety's seen Eight lash out herself--she did very well at it in hockey! ...And in other, more personal situations too, trying to defend her for one. But she likes feeling warm and safe; she likes being able to make Arriety feel that way.
Eight is happy to give what she offered, hugging Arriety more tightly than before with a soft sigh. "Good." That love is plain in Eight's aura, warm red and prepared to enwrap Arriety entirely. She makes no secret of it, makes no move to hide it, and if it's a luxury, well... It's a luxury she gets to have, because indeed it shouldn't be.
Arriety blushes, and Eight smiles, leaning forward a little to press her forehead to Ah-ri's. "Accepted," Eight says.
<Pose Tracker> Arriety Hearn has posed.
Arriety's not gonna lie, she enjoys watching when Eight cuts loose in hockey. Maybe it's a little bad to enjoy it, but Eight's having so much fun too... she's sure it'll be all right. Quietly, she hopes she can provide as much for Eight as Eight does for her...
She doesn't have to doubt that, right now, though, with how much her aura is encompassing her in those rich crimson hues.
"Can we... stay like this for a bit?" she asks.
<Pose Tracker> Eight York has posed.
Eight does enjoy it herself. It's definitely fine. Probably. But if Eight hears Arriety's wish, she doesn't comment on it; maybe she believes in Arriety tht way, too.
So when Arriety asks if they can stay like this, Eight inclines her head, moving only enough to shift her shoulder so she's not laying on her hair.
"We can," she answers. "I don't have to be anywhere for a while."