2022-12-30: Consolation Prize
- Cast: Yuta Hibiki, Kaworu Nagisa, Shinji Ikari
- Where: Tsutsujidai
- Date: U.C. 0096 12 30
- Summary: Kaworu re-introduces Shinji to a friend. It goes well... And then it goes badly.
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Gridman's current record with the NERV pilots is an even 2-2. Two acceptances, two rejections. Shinji, though he certainly wouldn't suspect it, is perfectly aligned to play tiebreaker.
Because of this, Max /and/ Borr have come to help make Aya appeal to Shinji, leaving Gridman able to focus on himself. Wearing clothing is starting to feel more 'right', fading into the background of his awareness instead of constantly bothering him. Today, he's chosen a cheerful t-shirt and jeans.
Max and Borr straighten the junk shop up in record time, even setting the last few ramune bottles out on the table. Borr had set three, but Max quietly put one back, replacing it with a glass of water.
Gridman waits for Shinji and Kaworu at this table, staring ahead at the door. He's made it to a normal chair this time -- though his wheelchair waits for him in a corner of the room. It seems he's up to transferring, but not quite walking on his own yet. Seeing Kaworu is going to be great, but now that they're dating... Will that change things with Shinji? It could be the very thing to tilt Shinji toward rejecting him.
"Don't sweat it, Gridman." Borr says, seeing the tension in her comrade's posture. "Shinji's a good kid, you guys go way back. More than Asuka or that fuck Eisen."
"Language." Max rumbles, though it's clearly only a token protest.
Borr waves a hand toward Max. "Yeah yeah. You agree with me. Anyway, it's fine. We'll be right here, and so will Kaworu."
Gridman takes a deep breath, holds it for a second, then lets it out. "Right."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
There are more pilots in NERV than just the Evangelion Children. But they do seem to often be made into the face of NERV. Why that is, Kaworu won't put forward a guess. What's important to him is bringing Shinji and Yuta--or rather, Gridman--together and letting the former make his own reactions to the latter.
Truthfully, based on past observations, he does suspect Shinji won't react well. But those were admittedly different times around. He hopes that a mediated meeting will make it go better this time.
At the appointed time, exactly on the second, Kaworu strolls into Junk Shop Aya. He holds the door open for Shinji, a soft smile on his lips like usual. Then he looks forward towards Gridman, seated stiffly at the table, flanked by Max and Borr.
"Hey. Good evening," he greets them. If he has any nerves about this meeting, he doesn't show it. If he overheard what Borr said about Asuka and Eisen, he doesn't show that, either. Once Shinji's inside, he lets the door shut and tucks his hands into his pockets, then strolls over to stand on the other side of the table. He does note the glass of water vs. a third bottle of ramune, and Gridman's casual dress and wheelchair in the corner, but he doesn't reach for the former or comment on the latter.
"It's been a while, hasn't it?" he muses instead to Gridman. "It's not the same as staying at your apartment, but the Aya has a home-like feel to it, too." He smiles over at his companion. "Don't you think so, Shinji?"
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji has no inkling he is here to break any sort of tie. This may be a mercy: the pressure of whatever meaning that holds does not, currently, rest on his shoulders with any awareness. All he knows is that now that Yuta -- Gridman? -- has recovered, he's out of excuses to go see him. It's terrible of him, how afraid he was to do it. Gridman. Yuta. Yuta. Gridman. Rei was a afraid, a little. Should Shinji be? He's starting to be! Shinji's pulse is too fast, and the temptation to keep his hood up itches at him. With Kaworu here, he keeps it down.
If he can handle befriending Zan, surely whatever Yuta looks like now won't be that frightening. Some mix between Gridman and Yuta's forms...? A carapace of steel...? Skin colored white and blue and red? Several extra feet of height...?!
Where Kaworu keeps his nerves in check, Shinji gives a jumpy nod of thanks to Kaworu before entering. He flinches when the door shuts. "G-Good evening," he manages, only after Kaworu's said it to remind him to do it. For someone so reflexive with polite formalities, this is a problem.
But then Shinji finally sees him and...
...well...
Stares. For a moment. Because he built up a lot of pictures in his head for the past several minutes and mostly Yuta -- Gridman? ah... -- still looks much like before, the differences in his eyes glossed over in Shinji's judgment by the recent injury. Shinji's gaze flits to the wheelchair and back and he feels a ltitle sick. How bad was the wound...? Why didn't Shinji see him sooner? Why does he have to be such a coward?
Kaworu prompts him in another rescue and Shinji's attention snaps back into place.
"Y-Yes." It's only after he says it that his brain catches him up on what he agreed to. Shinji frowns. "...It's better than a hospital. I'm sorry, Yuta. About... all of it."
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Gridman's posture relaxes a great deal upon seeing Kaworu. One of his hands moves a bit toward the other 'young man' on the table. Max and Borr, staying to the bar stools, look pleased to see Kaworu as well.
"Kaworu." Max says, inclining his head slightly. "You look well. I am thankful for that."
"Hey." Borr leaves it at that, balancing a knife on the tip of one of their fingers.
"I'm so glad you came." Gridman says, quietly. It's an expression of fondness and anxiety all at once. Kaworu's calm smile has always reassured Gridman, and it seems that's going to continue with Gridman's new form. "Yes, I met Alouette here the other day, and was surprised how different things feel. I used to come by nearly every day, and now..."
Aya isn't /empty/, but... With no sign of the Takaradas, half of the Neon Genesis Junior High Students missing, and a lot of the wares and food gone, it's certainly changed. There's even a lightly-stained bit of floor over in front of Junk that Gridman avoids looking at.
"Seeing Aya on foot is different." Gridman says, a hint of a joke in his voice. "Seeing it from the one angle was very, very boring."
Shinji appears immediately after Kaworu, and Gridman takes another large breath. He's frowning. Oh no. Gridman's yellow eyes are so piercing, so emotionless -- none of Yuta's expression or sparkle is present within them.
"Shinji." Gridman's voice is changed, as well -- somewhere between human and robot. If it was a color, it'd be a metallic one. "I'm so glad to see you. It's okay, you've had a thousand things to attend to. If you'd like -- please, sit down. We found some ramune..."
Gridman's own ramune hasn't been opened yet. "I... have to be honest. My name is Gridman. The 'Yuta Hibiki' you knew was not the true young man. It was a fragment of my own soul, expressed through his form and mind. I didn't know this. I'm sorry for accidentally deceiving you this way. But--" Gridman speaks quickly, as if trying to get the words out before Shinji's judgement is made. "I have all the memories of the young man you thought was Yuta. It was me who experienced those things with you."
All three of the Hyper Agents watch Shinji carefully. Max has a dishcloth in his hands, and he twists it in his lap as Gridman finishes speaking. Even Borr has vanished their knife to actively watch the conversation between the friends -- if that is what they still are.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu's smile broadens briefly when Gridman, Max, and Borr greet him back. It dims, but doesn't vanish, in favor of a sympathetic look when Gridman speaks of having run into Alouette recently--he assumes Alouette Pommier, who's been an active part of Rikka's team, though he's personally more familiar with Alouette Kaas.
He does laugh at the joke, though. It's a quiet chuckle of a laugh, but it's a laugh all the same. Kaworu gets that kind of humor--and it's better than paying any mind to that stain on the floor.
As they settle at the table, he looks back at Shinji, listens to his apologies; looks then at Gridman as he accepts them and offers his apologies. He hears him speed up at the end, to make who he is clear; it seems he has some fears of his own.
"What he says is true," he says conversationally, leaning his cheek on a curled hand, elbow on the table. "I heard about it from Anosillus II some months ago. She asked me to keep it a secret, as Gridman had lost his memories after falling in battle to Alexis Kerib, and she felt he needed to regain them at his own pace."
His casual smile finally fades entirely. "Are you upset?"
He doesn't specify an at whom or what.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
/Aya on foot is different./ On foot. Shinji tenses up. Gridman. Not Yuta. But also Yuta. But it's Gridman. He feels... too stupid for any of this. For the first time, Shinji's able to take in those yellow eyes more honestly, and his own gaze begins to drift away, as if fearing he'll be punctured straight through by them.
It's a little bit of that. Like somehow this Yuta-Gridman knows more. Sees more. Is that what frightened Rei? And the change in Yuta's voice...
Discomfort settles deep in Shinji's body. Yuta, who was so friendly, so welcoming, so bright and easy to get along with. The sleepovers they had. Friendly gestures. Bright reassurances. Is that all gone now...? A fragment. An accidental... 'deception'. Shinji immediately dislikes the choice of word. The tension in the air gnaws his nerves raw. He can't stand the way everyone is looking at him, like he's even half as intelligent as he needs to be to navigate this, like he has any idea what the hell is going on or what anyone's supposed to feel, least of all himself!
Kaworu tries to offer an explanation, but by then Shinji's mind is already spun up. The words barely register. Everything's always too big, too confusing, too many details that Shinji can't identify the importance of when it feels like everything that's important is casually brushed aside.
Shinji does not sit down. His hands slam on the table, which is the only thing that keeps them from shaking.
"Then... then it's not a lie, is it?! If -- if you remember everything, if they're your experiences... you're -- all of that -- it's still /there/, right...? We're -- you're still our friend, right...?!"
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Shinji... looks like he's freaking out. Borr quietly swears under their breath, earning a Glance from Max. The two can tell they're making Shinji uncomfortable by watching him, and Borr swivels in their seat, looking toward the bar. Max stands, walking around the bar to... do dishes. Or something. Everything is clean, but it can't hurt to wash them again.
As the sound of water and clattering silverware fills the background, Gridman slowly reaches across the table. He touches Kaworu's elbow with a single finger, just taking comfort in feeling the fact that boyfriend is real, and exists.
Kaworu's backup is immensely appreciated. Even if it doesn't help Shinji much, Gridman feels better knowing that he isn't faking this. How could he be faking this? It doesn't matter, the anxiety is real.
Shinji slams his hands on the table. In the background, Max's and Borr's heads whip around. Gridman's eyes widen. This is it, this is the rejection he's dreading, from one of his closest friends...
It's not a lie?
Gridman blinks. Once, twice. "Y--yes." The stuttered word is quiet. "Yes. I mean, if you'll have me, in this state. I want to be! I want to be. You mean a lot to me, Shinji, you're one of my best friends, and. I don't want to lose you."
The admission sounds strange in Gridman's metallic, echoed voice, but every word is said with earnest fervor.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
There is an honesty, isn't there, in a wildly negative reaction. Kaworu wasn't and isn't lying when he takes these things calmly, but Shinji slamming his hands on the table is a clear showing of how upset and overwhelmed he is. You can be certain of his feelings, because they're on full display. Kaworu's question is thus answered, even if Shinji doesn't say so in as many words.
Gently, gently, he rests his fingertips on Shinji's back in a butterfly touch, while in the corner of his eye, Max and Borr tense up after having left the table. The edges of his lips quirk up as Gridman reaches out to touch him, and he settles his other hand down to reciprocate. With the manic earnestness that Shinji had just shown, Gridman responds in kind, declaring that Shinji is one of his best friends. It might be strange with those yellow eyes and that metallic voice, but to Kaworu's ears, it's no different from the passion that the boy they'd known as Yuta Hibiki had always shown.
"He's still who he's always been. He simply remembers what he's forgotten now, that's all," he adds quietly. "Personally, I don't consider it a deception, but he's taking it quite seriously."
A pause. Then he laughs, so quietly that it's nigh inaudible. "Ah yes... Shinji, you remember what we discussed the other day, yes? The advice you gave me?"
More a beseeching than advice, but still.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Gridman's answer does not soothe Shinji's nerves. He's wound up too tightly, and the atmosphere is still unfamiliar and threatening.
Shinji claws into his own chest now, crinkling his hoodie under white knuckled fingers. His breathing's too fast, too much. All of it in, so little of it back out. The edges of the world are darker and his chest hurts, and that's all he can zero in on about himself for a moment until Kaworu's touch draws him back out. He looks to Kaworu, a sort of pleading in it, like Kaworu could explain this all to Shinji and make the world stop feeling precariously balanced and about to fall off into something.
Everything's so unstead, and nothing ever lasts.
What Kaworu explains seems to settle Shinji further. Okay... okay, that makes... sense. He breathes out, finally, nearly deflating. "Don't... don't talk like we can't be friends anymore if... if that's not even something you want..."
They aren't so dissimilar, Yuta and Kaworu, Shinji thinks. Caught up in certain parts of themselves, not realizing the scarier parts of the equation lie elsewhere entirely. The scariest thing is being left behind.
You think Shinji would be used to it.
It's another moment of remembering how breathing works that Shinji comes fully back to reality. "Huh?" He refocuses, and he sees how Gridman and Kaworu touch, and that hard earned easing of his chest and smoothed out fear seizes up all over again. Except this time, it's very stupid -- unlike a minute ago, which was very reasonable.
"...Y-Yeah?"
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
"Shinji..!" Gridman calls, as the young man claws at himself. He tries to stand, but is overcome by a spike of pain and lightheadedness, and quickly sits back down. In a flash, Max is at his side, hands on Gridman's shoulders.
"Please, be careful." Max rumbles, making sure Gridman isn't about to fall out of his chair. Gridman nods wordlessly, watching Shinji with fright reflected in those yellow eyes.
Thankfully, Kaowru knows what to do. Gridman relaxes a little further as Kaworu's hand comes down to touch his own. Just as his touch helps Gridman, it seems to help Shinji, as well. Kaworu truly is incredible...
"I don't want to lie to anyone. About who I am, or who they are to me." Gridman says quietly. "The reactions I recieved from Eisen and Asuka has only emphasized the importance of quick honesty. If I had waited, their pain would only have intensified."
"I'm sorry." Gridman's voice is beseeching. "I worried -- you would reject me. I wanted to give you the chance to do so. If that's what you wanted. I wanted it to be over with quickly, if it was going to happen."
Kaworu mentions advice. Gridman looks over to him, confused. Shinji's reaction is noted by Max, but missed by Gridman. Choosing to walk normally back to the bar, the large man places a hand on Shinji's shoulder. It's there for only a moment, as Max doesn't want to unbalance the delicate young man.
"Yeesh." Borr has a knife in their hands again, speaking in a tone low enough that hopefully, only Max will hear. "The kids have it rough. That Asuka girl might have it right, just shouting at the bullshit she sees going on."
"Not when it's toward Gridman." Max replies, just as quietly.
"Yeah, not toward Gridman."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It's tempting to rest his other hand on Shinji, to draw him closer and offer him his full reassurance. But that would be deeply unfair to Gridman, even if he does know the truth. He can't make Shinji rely on him for everything, anyway. Kaworu stays the way he is, watching Shinji work through his near-panic attack with a steady gaze--maybe the only steady thing in this tiny world right now.
When Shinji gives him that pleading look, he smiles back at him, as if he might project calm and reassurance through it. Perhaps he can, even. It might not work in full--Shinji's nerves pick up again, something that is plain to Kaworu even if not why--but it seems he's reacting better than either of them had feared after all.
It's a genuine relief. He may not show his nerves, but that doesn't mean he didn't have any at all.
But... When Gridman mentions Asuka as well as Eisen, Kaworu casts him a slight frown. "Is it all right if I ask what she said?" he queries. He hadn't thought that Asuka felt enough about Yuta to feel betrayed by his being Gridman rather than simply being his host, but Asuka apparently feels quite a bit about Anti, so...
Similarly, when Borr and Max murmur about Asuka, Kaworu only flicks his eyes their way and doesn't remark. They clearly don't want to be overheard, anyway.
"It must have hurt immensely when Eisen Daiwel refused to believe you are you," Kaworu says quietly. He already knows about it--Gridman had told him already--but he might have underestimated how much it really hurt, if this is how he feels as a result.
Still, when Shinji looks at him and prompts him to continue, he smiles back at him. He gives Max only a brief look as he passes by to rest a hand briefly on Shinji's shoulder before refocusing on his fellow Child.
"I gave what you said a great deal of thought, and after talking to Mari, I decided to do as you said." He turns the hand touching Gridman around and clasps it. "Gridman and I are dating now..." His smile broadens, squinting his eyes shut. "As are Rei and I, and he and Rei."
Honestly, it's probably too much to hope that Shinji might not get unbalanced. Again.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
The mention of Eisen and Asuka makes Shinji flinch. "But -- but you didn't know. That's not fair..." How can Gridman be honest about something he doesn't know? Mm, but Asuka's rage... Shinji understands why there may have been a good deal of fear today.
And Eisen didn't even believe him? But...
Shinji's voice gets softer. It sounds feeble in his own head, but there's his own earnesty in it. "I don't want to lose anyone, either."
Even if 'Gridman' presents differently than 'Yuta', if he's still Yuta, and says he's still Yuta, and still Shinji's friend, then isn't that enough? Shinji thinks it's enough. Gridman isn't their enemy, he told Rei. And Gridman wants to be their friend. Other thoughts tangle in Shinji's mind: it must be... difficult, actually, not knowing who were you and suddenly being a bit like someone else. Enough to feel like it was all lying.
But he doesn't know how to ask about that. Not yet.
Especially not now that his voice is threatening to escape entirely, for reasons Shinji can only assume are related to being the worst sort of friend. Max touches his shoulder, and Shinji looks to him, watching him go, feeling the impending doom coil inside him more for it. It's like there's a secret Shinji does not know. Except he does know what's going on. He already knows what Kaworu's going to say.
/Gridman and I are dating now.../
Be happy for him, Shinji! This is Kaworu, your best friend, the least you can do is be happy!
/As are Rei and I./
Shinji stops. He looks up. Wait, does Rei know --
/...and he and Rei./
A long silence passes as Shinji attempts to process this information. It feels like a joke, at first, except no one laughs, and the punchline is never revealed, and neither Yuta nor Kaworu would play this kind of prank on Shinji before. The Gridman expression Yuta seems like he would be even less inclined.
Breathe. It's what it is. It's whatever Kaworu says it is, which means all of that is allowed. That's an option, or something, that no one ever told Shinji about. It's fine. It's what it is.
And that cold, lonely feeling in his chest is just Shinji being the worst person and the worst friend that existed. Everything's fine. Everything makes sense.
"Okay."
Why does that sound so choked? Don't just say /okay/. Be happy for your friends...!
Shinji swallows down a lump that shouldn't exist and smiles at Kaworu.
"That's. That's good." He laughs, awkward at first, but there's a release of all his pent up emotions in it. Both of them. Kaworu chose both of them. No one would think of that at all, unless they really did want it, right? So Kaworu listened. And that thought gives way to a genuine fragment of happiness, easing Shinji's expression into a real smile.
"I'm glad you listened."
His eyes are glistening. It's probably the dust.
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Yellow eyes turn to Shinji, serious and dull. "Dr. Mass reminded me of the trying circumstances many of our peers face. That I must be patient with them. I'm doing my best to follow this advice."
"Of course." Gridman says, to Kaworu. He closes his eyes, remembering. "She told me I did not have to force things, or pretend to be anything I'm not. She remarked that Akane killed 'Yuta', and told me she and I had never met, that I didn't understand anything." A pause, as his brow furrows for a half-moment. "Asuka seemed extremely upset, but would not tell me why. She called me a coward, and a doll. Er, that I was pretending to be a doll. Finally, she told me to try harder."
It's a lot. It was a lot then, and it still is now. Gridman takes a moment to breathe.
"It was painful." Gridman replies to Kaworu, thankful for Max's steadying hand. "Speaking with both Asuka and Eisen. I believed Eisen and I had a stronger bond than this, but he was very clear about not feeling the same way. While I'm thankful for his care, I don't intend on distressing him with my presence."
As Kaworu tells Shinji they're dating -- Kaworu and Gridman and Rei -- Gridman manages one of those blink-and-you'll-miss-it smiles. It's as though he knows how to create the smile, but not how to maintain it, at this point. "Yes. I'm truly lucky, and... very excited--"
Gridman is going to go on, but Shinji... isn't okay.
Red eyebrows tilt together, in a perfect mimic of 'Yuta's' expression of distress. "Shinji," he starts, quietly. "Shinji. It won't change things, between us. Unless you wish it to."
Gridman knows that isn't the problem. Despite the fact that Shinji seems to have an interest in Asuka, even Gridman can see his love for Kaworu. If more than one person can date, perhaps, that is the solution..? For both Kaworu, and for Shinji. Gridman looks at Kaworu for a long moment, then scoots forward in his chair and extends an arm toward Shinji. It lays halfway across the table.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
'I don't want to lose anyone, either.'
"..." Kaworu's expression clouds. The cloud passes soon enough, but it leaves behind melancholy in his bloodred eyes even as he smiles anew, muted.
He understands how he feels, painfully so.
When all you want is to be with one person, seeing them be with someone else, even if it's in a different way, can feel like you're being left behind.
So while Shinji might calm down, Kaworu isn't fooled. He still feels that coldness as keenly as if it originated from his own heart. It's almost funny, really. Is it because things haven't been going well with him and Asuka?
He listens closely to Gridman when he relates what Asuka had said as a result, but there's nothing surprising there, save, perhaps, how much Kaworu understands that, too. Not on a personal level, but rather--
"It's a very Asuka Shikinami Langley-esque reaction," he muses. "Don't worry about it, Gridman. She's just like that." He does, however, look back at Shinji. Does he need to push him away even further to bring him happiness? ...What a foolish question. "Have the two of you had a chance to talk recently? You and her, I mean. I'm sure she's lonely, just as much as I'm sure she refuses to show it."
Gridman confirms it was painful. Kaworu looks back at him. "If that's what you wish," he says. "Eisen wants to be closer to others, but he doesn't really understand how to do so. As a result, he often ends up hurting others and, it seems, being hurt in turn. He asked me once if he had to stay enrolled in school when it was a waste of his time, and I told him no. Even so, he didn't disenroll himself." His faint smile turns wry. "It seems Akane Shinjo isn't the only one who's dishonest with her own feelings."
Dishonest, or... Kaworu looks back at Shinji. It was touch and go for a moment, but... telling him about this was the right thing to do after all. The clouds break on Shinji's on face with a genuine smile.
'I'm glad you listened.'
"...May I be even more selfish?" he asks, as much to Gridman as it is to Shinji. He doesn't wait for an answer; he simply steps closer and pulls his fellow Child into an embrace, leaning his head on his with eyes shut and smile faint but relaxed.
"I'm glad you cared," he whispers into Shinji's ear.
It really is selfish of him to do this. Even so, he leaves Shinji's arms unimpeded--so he can push him away, so he can take Gridman's hand--or whatever else he chooses to do.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Gridman accounts Asuka's words, which at first surges a spark of hope in Shinji. Oh, it sounded harsh, but Asuka was showing her support in her own way...! ... And then Gridman keeps going, and... oh... that's... a lot. Shinji's eyes widen further with each word.
Asuka calls Rei a doll, too, and Shinji suddenly feels a stab of something. Does it bother Rei the way it does Gridman?And why is Asuka so focused on dolls...? That is a seed of a thought that Shinji will have to come back to much, much later.
"I'm sorry about her," Shinji says quietly, like it's his responsibility to be. He shakes his head at Kaworu, but doesn't manage to verbalize a response. Kaworu is right, of course. Shinji should be trying, even in Tsutsujidai. Especially here.
But Shinji stares at every mannerism, or lack thereof, longer than is strictly polite or appropriate. It is strange, Shinji has to admit, seeing Gridman act so... well, Shinji was going to say 'straight forward', but as Yuta, that was always the case, wasn't it? It's just a different show of things. Forthright with his feelings. Doing his best to do things the 'right' way. Trying not to 'lie'... Gridman thinks this way is more honest now. Shinji has no reason not to trust that.
When he thinks of it that way, it's more familiar. This is Shinji's friend.
Something Shinji desperately tries to remember as he's swept away in his own hurt. His not-hurt, as he stalwartly tries to keep himself together, standing awkwardly in front of the table, his hand still hanging off his hoodie, grip loose, but fingers clawed enough to dangle. It doesn't hurt, because only someone awful would hurt when his friends are happy. He's not losing Y--Gridman, they established that. And he won't lose Kaworu. Or Rei. It's envy, is all it is, that they make it so easy and everything with Asuka is so hard. And that's right...! He and Asuka... she's still trying. What's he upset about? He's being unfair to everyone!
As established, Shinji's not a great person, so that figures. He's selfish. He's being greedy, and afraid of nothing. Like always. He's paralyzed by it again, even as Gridman reaches out, and especially as Kaworu embraces him. Something inside twists. Very suddenly, Shinji knows he cannot be here for three seconds longer, or something Horrible will happen. To him. Possibly everyone else.
He pulls back from Kaworu, his back step fumbled before he gets his balance. His smile is fractured again, and he tries to give Gridman the same excuse for a face.
"You guys could probably use some time after everything, right? And... I should go." Shinji swallows. "I'll see you guys later, okay?" His voice almost cracks, like it's a plea and it's not! He's okay but this was more than three seconds and he has to go, right now.
Ramune untouched, Shinji turns and tries to make an swift, if clumsy exit.
Why can't he just be /normal/ about /anything/ for once in his life?!
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
"Is that normal for her? We never spent much time together, even before." Gridman looks a little puzzled. In the background, Borr puts a hand out to Max, in a 'see?' gesture. "It's okay, Shinji. I'm... thankful she cared enough to attempt to help me?"
A question is the best he can manage. He's trying very hard not to think badly of Asuka. Perhaps Shinji is the only one who can reach her in this state.
Ah, Eisen is like Akane. "Then it is truly for the best that I stay away. It seems I have done nothing but enable Alexis' abuse and manipulation toward Akane, and I don't want to do the same thing to Eisen."
Kaworu is given a nod. This was a known factor before they entered a relationship. Shinji is special to Kaworu, and always will be. There may be a part of Gridman's heart that wishes for a bond of such power with someone, but... He's very lucky in what he has, and that's enough.
Yellow eyes watch calmly as Kaworu hugs Shinji. It feels right, in a cosmic sort of way. These two beings fit together. There's no jealousy in his heart, only a sense of quiet warmth.
Unfortunately, Shinji doesn't seem to be quite as in-tune with whatever cosmic wavelength Gridman is receiving. Gridman's hand waits in vain, as Shinji backs away, voice cracking.
"Alright." Gridman murmurs, letting Shinji go. It's not like he could do anything to stop the young man, after all. "I'm always here, if I can do anything."
Borr sighs. They've swung around to watch the trio as things got more emotional. "Damn, didn't even take his soda. Well."
In a flash of movement, Borr appears by the table. They take the ramune, then vanish again, appearing next to Shinji.
"Hey, kid, this may well be the last ramune in Tsutsujidai. At least take the consolation prize." Borr pushes the soda into Shinji's hands, waiting a second to make sure it doesn't crash to the ground. "It's gonna be okay. If you ever wanna go crazy, just come by Aya. I've got a secret stash of broken dishes I smash up when I'm overwhelmed. It helps!"
With a thumbs up, Borr vanishes again, letting Shinji do as he so chooses.
"Kaworu..." Gridman murmurs, his brows drawn together in distress. "I'm sorry. I didn't want this to happen. Are you still sure about being in a relationship with us? I know what he means to you."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu is quite certain that Asuka was not trying to show any support of any kind, but who knows? It would be nice if he were wrong and that were true after all. Either way, he holds his peace on that matter. That's just as well, when Shinji reacts poorly to his pulling him closer--pushes him away and gives them both a pained smile before all but fleeing the premises.
"Shinji--" Kaworu starts. He stops himself. Borr zips over to press the ramune into Shinji's hand, and Kaworu watches.
It was starting to get better. Why is it suddenly worse? He told him he wanted him to be selfish. He didn't mind being held that night. Why is it a problem now?
He doesn't understand.
(There is a saying among Lilim: 'it's darkest at the foot of a lighthouse.' Sometimes you can be too close to someone to see them clearly, and Kaworu has always orbited around Shinji as the Moon does the Earth.)
He looks instead at Gridman. His lips thin at his conclusion vis-a-vis Eisen and Akane... but he doesn't say anything. He understands that struggle a little too well. Instead, he lets himself smile, however ruefully.
"When you asked me to date you, you said that you thought we would have fun together," he replies. "I'd like to have fun with you, Gridman." He turns his gaze towards Shinji's back, whether he remains in Aya still at this point or not. "...Anyway, ending it so quickly... wouldn't make Shinji happy, either."
For a moment, he's silent. Then he lifts his gaze to meet Gridman's. "...If I asked you for comfort, would you permit it?"
He's sure it's really an issue with him and Asuka. That's what's different between then and now, so it's only logical. However, Kaworu's done as much as he can to encourage Shinji where she's concerned. If he wants to help Shinji further there, he'll have to seek alternate methods.
But before all that... he'd like to be held back.
<Pose Tracker> Shinji Ikari has posed.
Shinji is not sure what the Bad Thing coming is, but it's there, and he has to leave everyone else's presence so it does not arrive and get everyone in the crossfire. Gone, he's gone, and THERE'S BORR why. Is there Borr?!
He freezes, soda pressed into his grip. He blinks wide, confused eyes, startled enough out of encroaching discomfort that he is afforded a moment to be baffled.
But then Borr is gone, and Shinji is gone, and he hears none of what happens when he's not there. He does not get very far before he finds a place outside to breathe and contemplate Tsutsujidai's last bottle of ramune.
"...But I don't derserve it," he mumbles to no one.
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
A soft breath of relief, when Kaworu doesn't reject Gridman. He couldn't have taken it, really. "Yes. I intend to make good on that promise." Another one of those momentary smiles.
Borr appears back in Aya, suddenly atop the barstool they were inhabiting moments ago, as though nothing happened. Max raises an eyebrow, and they give a thumbs up. Max sighs. "Did you invite that delicate young man to your smashing room."
"It'll be good for him!" Borr insists, crossing their arms. "Besides, after the disaster, shit's stacking up! I need help breaking it all. Maybe the kids can use the pieces for art or something."
Max fixes Borr with a hard stare, but they don't flinch, staring right back. After a moment, Max turns and leans down, taking a stack of chipped and broken dishes out from beneath the counter. "These were damaged during the battle. They are only to be used if Shinji takes you up on your offer. Do not lose control and break them yourself, Borr."
"Heyyy, I knew you cared!" Borr takes the plates, grinning. "Thanks, Max."
Max goes quiet, wanting to hear how Gridman responds to Kaworu's next question. Really, being so nosy is unbecoming, but... Gridman could use comfort too. Perhaps both can be accomplished at once?
"Of course." Gridman's eyes are wide and soft, now, that dull surface glimmering like a disturbed pond. With a deep breath, Gridman stands, taking a step toward Kaworu. He's been practicing, following his physical therapy instructions to a T. Another step, and sweat beads on Gridman's face. Max starts to move toward him, but Borr puts a hand out. Wait.
Another step. Gridman's face betrays some effort, but he's stable. One more, and he's reached Kaworu. With one hand planted on the table to keep him steady, Gridman wraps the other around Kaworu, pulling him close. It hurts, a little, straining his wound, but it's worth it. Kaworu so rarely asks for anything. Gridman can give him this.
"Thank you." Gridman murmurs, pressing his face into Kaworu's shoulder. Kaworu is tall enough that Gridman can lay his head down comfortably, exhaling a soft breath. If Kaworu is able to support Gridman, he'll wrap his other arm around his boyfriend.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Picturing serious-faced Gridman living up to his promise to Kaworu to have fun together is endearing, and Kaworu meets his shooting-star smile with a broader, longer-lasting one of his own. He leaves Max and Borr to their conversation and exchange of dishes. It would be good if Shinji did take them up on it and give himself a way to safely vent his stress, but Kaworu really can't and shouldn't try to insert himself into every aspect of Shinji's life.
For now, he focuses on Gridman and how his face immediately glistens with exertion. If the Hyper Agent only has to go three steps to reach him, it's because Kaworu goes to meet him partway. He asked him for comfort; he didn't ask him to suffer unnecessary pain to give it.
In the same way, he supports him in return, letting him bury his face in his shoulder and resting his head on Gridman's in kind. "I should be saying that to you," he murmurs back, holding and being held back.
After a time of this, he'll insist on helping Gridman into the back and both of them sitting on one of the couches, where the Hyper Agent can relax. For now, though... this is more than enough.