2022-03-27: Modeling

• Log: 2022-03-27: Modeling
• Cast: Akane Shinjo, Kaworu Nagisa
• Where: Tsutsujidai - Computer Store
• OOC - IC Date: 0096-03-27
• Summary: Kaworu helps Akane pick out a new laptop for special lessons. They catch up.

---

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

Akane is in... honestly mostly good spirits. There's a lot she's left unaddressed -- a lot that's simmering under the surface, and a lot of negative emotions she's already displaced onto Go'yavec. ... She'll crush Gridman this time. She's sure of it. She can do better than Ghoulghilas. Better than Anti. All she needs is that power -- and maybe some sheer heft to it...

... there's the other matters, though. Of Anti. Of Renais. There's not a lot of people she can talk to about those, though.

> wanna come over and help me shop for a laptop? i need one for some extra lessons i got assigned.
> <sticker of Super Nalgus lying dead>
> i was gonna do them on my desktop but rikka wants to help and i don't wanna let her into my room.
> i also gave talking to anti a shot with your advice. hit me up whenever you can. it's not like i sleep or anything, though i guess if we wanna go shopping it'll have to be daytime.
> F in chat for 2am laptop run.

---

Whenever they actually manage to get together for it, Akane's waiting. She's leaning on one of the bollards outside a big-box store, messing around with her phone a little bit. It's really quite warm today -- Akane is still in her hoodie, though.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        There are a lot of reasons for Kaworu to *not* be in good spirits, but he's good at simply weathering through emotional turbulence. And hand-in-hand with that, there's a very strong reason for him to be in good spirits instead. When he receives Akane's texts, he's still on the trains, on his way home. He smiles at their contents and replies accordingly:
        
        > Yes. I don't know how useful I'll be, but I can certainly help put a machine through its paces.
        > I'm glad you had a chance to talk to Anti, also. I'll be on my way now. I'm on the trains currently anyway; I'll just need to take a different transfer to take me closer to you.
        > When does the store open? If we need to wait until morning, I'll bathe until then. I was planning on that, anyway.
        > F
        
        He doesn't really understand what "F in chat" means, but he assumes it means he is indeed consenting to doing a laptop run at 2 AM. Or, really, whatever time.
        
        Regardless of what time it is, it *is* a Sunday, so school is not a concern. Whatever time Akane confirms the store opens at, that's when Kaworu arrives. It's easy for him to be that precise with that much advance warning. He is indeed freshly bathed, right out of a Nouvelle Tokyo bathhouse, grey hair still slightly damp, wearing his administrator outfit--black-and-red suit jacket, purple-and-green scarf-tie, white button-up shirt, black dress shoes, and a beige STORAGE-style jacket with K.NAGISA on a tag on front under a winged star. If Akane looks closely, she'll see the metal band of a wristwatch on his left wrist, visible under his jacket sleeve as he approaches with hands tucked in his pocket.
        
        "Hey. Good morning," he greets her with his customary smile. He's unbothered by the heat; it's actually nice, after the early spring morning chill of the outside world. "What sort of software do you need for your extra lessons?"

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

Oh no! Akane is far too online by far.

> great. see you at 10am

At least *that* part is clear.

Akane slips her cell phone back into her hoodie pocket once she actually sees Kaworu arrive. She normally wouldn't even bother leaving the house this early... but it's a good look for her, probably. "3D modeling software, so I think we're actually looking for some pretty serious hardware! I don't really know how to shop for this kinda thing... I just look for big numbers."

That embarrassing admission out of the way, Akane moves on to something a little easier to talk about -- or at least more something she expects Kaworu to have input on. "You were right about Anti," she concedes. "I laid out that I'm trying to make Renais lose on purpose and he understood it, though I had to really spell it out for him. I got him a bunch of protein boxes from Starbows, too, and it seemed like he liked them!"

Lovebombing: it works!

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        It turns out being able to control electronics at a literal glance and having a galaxy-sized spirit-brain does not in any way, shape, or form make you "online."
        
        Kaworu's expression turns thoughtful. 3D modeling software... Yes, he has experience with that across a timeline or two. That should be fine. He can simply feel out the specs of the laptops on sale. "I don't really know how to shop for things either. But if that's the case, I should be able to help you anyway," he reassures her.
        
        As they (presumably) head into the store, Kaworu maintains his focus on Akane as she changes the topic to Anti. His smile widens as she tells him that his advice worked. "I'm happy to hear that," he replies. "I admit I don't know what kind of relationship you want to have with him, but I think it would be good for both of you to have a positive one."
        
        Well. A net positive one, anyway.
        
        "How has he been since then? I assume you're still intent on killing Gridman, and therefore so is he," he adds, at a totally normal conversational level, because this is Tsutsujidai.

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

What... kind of relationship? What? Akane blinks, her brow furrowing as Kaworu presents a concept, an idea, that she doesn't really have the context for. They just -- have a relationship. It exists. She created him, or at least, wanted him to exist, and, he does, and she just kinda deals with that.

Akane walks with Kaworu, trying to sort through her confusion. "I... guess!" she agrees, though she's not really getting it. "He's okay, though. He's getting pretty smart... he has a lot of stuff nailed that I didn't teach him. I guess you were right! He just needs a couple nudges here and there."

She keeps walking toward the laptop section, thinking about the follow-up. "I mean, yeah, obviously. I want the world to close back up, right?" She closes her eyes a moment. This sucks to keep explaining. "Alexis already laid it out. I need to crush Vessels of Light so the world closes back up! At first we didn't know that was what was up, but once I put together a little more about Gridman Alexis picked out the problem and laid it out."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        Akane peers at Kaworu as if he suddenly started talking a foreign language. He blinks back at her, not understanding her confusion. "Is something the matter?" he prompts.
        
        But whatever the source of her hesitation, it seems that there is indeed a net positive going on. He nods in approval. "I'm not surprised to hear it. He's well-designed as an autonomous kaiju. And in the case of creatures that can learn and grow, the best results will make themselves known over time rather than immediately," he comments.
        
        He follows her to the laptop section, momentarily turning his attention to the ones on display. They're already on, so it's a simple matter of running diagnostics and putting them on their paces--which they do in a rapid line as his gaze falls across them. He's still listening to Akane, though, and while he's not surprised by the answer, he's no less displeased by it.
        
        "What is it you've learned about Gridman that leads you to believe crushing him and the other Vessels of Light will cause your world to close up again?" he asks, tone politely inquisitory.

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

"I guess it took me a minute to figure out what you meant by 'type of relationship'! I don't really think that way." Akane's pretty young, yet. She doesn't... there's a lot of nuance to this type of thing that's lost on her. She's starting to learn it, but... it's not all there yet. She latches onto the other part instead, saying, "I dunno if I have time to wait on this kinda thing." For obvious reasons.

As Kaworu works his magic, Akane asks, curiously, "Aren't you gonna look at the boxes or anything...?" It's not actually important -- he might not need to, after all. Certainly, there's been moments where she's noticed *her* relationship with technology shifting under her a bit -- her phone really ought not work in its present state, but it complies with her. Maybe he's like that too?

Then Kaworu asks a slightly more difficult question. "Well... he broke into the world, right? So there has to be something about him that -- works like that. Where something about him is... the same as the psychic rupture, somehow? So..." ... it kind of makes sense, Akane thinks. This whole world is kinda weird, anyway...

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        "...You don't think about the way you want to interact with others and have them interact with you?" Kaworu asks. But even as he asks that--yes, for Akane, it makes sense. "I see. You *did* make this world to be alone, after all." It's sad to him, but he is not her. That was the meaning of the rejection Instrumentality, that they might all remain individuals and connect to one another *as* individuals. He respects that.
        
        Not enough time. "Then it's good you made him sooner rather than later, so he has the time to learn," he replies. "He may come to surprise you with his progress at a time you truly need it." Things aren't progressing with the immediacy Akane wants regardless of Anti, after all.
        
        Of the boxes: "No," he states simply. "No need." He barely looks at the *laptops*, strolling among them as he glances from one to the next. From the diagnostics, he pulls up the programming that would allow them to run 3D models--if the laptop has those. Those that don't are mentally discarded. She only needs one, after all.
        
        He 'broke into the world.' Yes, if one starts with that basic supposition, then that conclusion makes sense. But... "I spoke with Gridman not long ago. He told me that he came to this world because he was chasing a 'certain entity.'" Kaworu pauses to give Akane time to digest that. "In other words, his reason for being here is unrelated to you, personally. I believe if you sat down with and talked to him, you could reach a mutual understanding without the need for annihilation. Perhaps you could even cooperate."

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

... Oh. It's -- huh. When Kaworu puts it like that... "... What if I said I think about that all the time, instead?" She doesn't confirm that she does -- but there's a memory, fresh, floating on the surface. Agonizing over whether to take a hand -- hesitating, only to end up clasping it tightly, greedily... and then anxiously circling around her own brain anyway, afterward.

"You spoke with Gridman?" That doesn't fully surprise her -- she knows NERV's mobile weapons have been seen on the same battlefields as the Hyper Agent. It's not too much to think about the idea of them speaking. Still, the idea that Gridman came here chasing a 'certain entity...'

"It's not that I think he's here 'cuz it's related to me," she says, pivoting instead. "But... okay, he's either chasing that thing that was holed up in one of the areas I thought was done serving its purpose, or he's chasing Alexis, right?" That much holds up. "Alexis gave me this world... so if Gridman's chasing him, that's a problem. Gridman might bring the whole world down! And if it's that other thing -- that thing's gone already! Poof! So it's... prroooobably not that, actually, 'cuz then he'd be gone and the hole might be fixed."

Well. She's certainly come to *a* conclusion. "I get what you're trying to do," (she doesn't,) "but I'm not letting *anyone* take my world away." She delivers it with a tense finality.

"Speaking of which," she says, pivoting to something where she feels more stable, "I have everything set to go with Renais. I got her to agree to try to fight for me and not run away at the first sign of serious trouble. I think it's up to the outsiders to take her down and take her home, now!" She *sounds* enthused. She *feels* twisted up and anxious about this whole proposition in a completely new way... and indeed, it's kind of that same clinging-fear that she seems to have about Gridman.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        The fact that Akane changes her tune when the framing of the concept is changed also brings a new smile to Kaworu's lips. The free-floating thoughts of agonizing over touching a hand, then greedily grabbing it only to agonize about the decision later, gives it a sad cast. "Then I'd say that's another way in which we're alike," he replies. Alike, but not the same. When he took that hand, it was without fear or hesitation; when he refrained, it was without grabbing it a moment later.
        
        "Yes," Kaworu confirms, although since he'd just said it, perhaps it's not necessary to actually say. He remains silent when Akane reasons through his statements, coming up with her own conclusions that aren't... *completely* wrong. She claims she gets what he's trying to do. Normally Kaworu would take a statement like that on its face. But if her conclusion is that she *wants* Alexis to stay, then he suspects she doesn't really.
        
        "I never suggested that you give up your world," he thus says gently. "Actually, Alexis told me that you're skilled enough at this point that you don't need him anymore. Although in my opinion, I do believe you need *someone*, if not him."
        
        But Akane abruptly changes topics. Kaworu lets her. Hopefully that will be enough for now. Besides, the topic of Renais *is* an important one. "Oh? I'm glad to hear it. I'll do my best on my end to help out." He pauses, taking a stop at the end of the displays. All the laptops are running now, though one by one, many of them are shutting down and rebooting back to their normal state. "Is everything all right? You seem anxious."
        
        Anxiety is very easy for Kaworu to see in Lilim, considering how often it appears in his usual social group--and that part of Akane is still Lilim-like.

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

Akane... might not need Alexis anymore? She feels some tension creep into her shoulders. Why would he say something like that...? She does need him! She needs him to clean up all her stupid messes, so she can clean up Anti's stupid messes, so...

"I'm sure he's just talking me up," Akane answers, raising a hand and giving a nervous little laugh. Her hand comes up to the back of her head, and she ruffles her own hair in sheer nervousness, looking for an out. If she just -- buries the topic in other topics, they can never touch it again and Akane can safely avoid admitting that she doesn't know what to do with any of the things Kaworu is offering her.

She finds one. "... Huh, is that a thing you can just -- do because you're a monster?" she asks, looking at the behavior of the display models. "And -- yeah, I'm fine!" She gives a winning smile that looks utterly genuine; it in no way matches her anxious, worried landscape. She feels cornered, and she doesn't actually know *who's* cornering her.

Which is, conveniently, something that leads her back to the topic of Renais -- easier to engage with those worries than ones about herself, and doesn't require a reckoning with Alexis either. ... It's still not great, but at least Kaworu is a monster which means he probably won't judge her for asking for monster activity advice.

"... I realized, when I was talking to Guy and Sayla about it, that Renais might tell everyone I'm God, once she's better," comes a very hesitant explanation indeed. "I'm not sure the Venora can get memories out of real people, and I don't want to hurt her... but I'm kinda running out of options other than to try that. Or to make a kaiju I *know* can do it, I guess."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        Kaworu watches Akane and her reactions closely. He feels sorry for causing her stress, but... it does confirm what he already knew about Alexis, that he's deliberately made her dependent on him with the intent of ultimately abandoning her.
        
        He of course can't say much anything more on the topic without showing his hand. For Shinji's sake, he can't let that happen. And if Akane isn't willing to think through what he's told her to its logical conclusion, there's little he can do about that. For now, he simply gives her a long, level look as she tries to laugh it off.
        
        Then he offers her a smile, kind and accepting. He doesn't contradict her on the matter of Alexis. But on the topic of help... "Yes," he says simply. "I'm glad it allowed me to be helpful to you. I consider you a friend, Shinjo-san."
        
        It's not his intent to corner her. On the contrary, if he can be anything to her, he wants to be the hand offering a way out. So for now, he'll simply step to one side and let her process that on her own time. So, yes: he'll let her be 'fine.'
        
        And in the same way, he'll let her turn the focus of her worries back to Renais. So she spoke to Guy about it... and Sayla, who Kaworu recalls helped fight against Renais in Tsutsujidai before. Sensible options. He can understand her concerns about Renais telling others what Akane actually is (God or not) once she's better, too. He hasn't heard the term 'Venora' before, but based on context clues he understands she means the reconstruction kaiju that stand motionless through the city--especially since he's watched them at work, with Renais no less.
        
        "I understand how you feel... We've talked about my true nature some before, too, and back then, you agreed not to tell anyone when I asked you to." A beat. He doesn't think Renais is the kind of person to break a promise once made, so: "Did Renais refuse to keep your secret for you?"

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

Like so much of the garbage in her life... Akane has to kick this one behind her and let it sit. If she confronts it, it'll hurt her, so she simply won't confront it; it can remain buried forever.

A -- friend? ... well, that's... it's okay. Monsters are the kinds of friends Akane can have. She smiles, gives Kaworu a nod, and says, "Cool! I really appreciate it." She's not... quite capable of saying that she considers Kaworu a friend. Her heart wants to, but... there's something about that that's -- messy. Scary.

The fact that she moves a quarter-step toward him, rather than away, in response... that's all she can give him. Maybe he'll notice. Maybe he won't. But that's what she can give him without immediately retreating.

"I mean... I don't think any of the stuff she's doing right now *really* means anything," Akane concedes. It's a little more honest than she'd be with anyone else -- this, too, is the advantage of being a monster in dealing with Akane Shinjo. "She's keeping my secret... but I don't know if that'll hold once she's got that stuff out of her brain."

She turns and levels her gaze at Kaworu. "She's a hero, not a monster. She'll probably feel miserable about attacking the city, and even worse about agreeing to take my friends along with me if she won."

... there's an admission, at that.

Akane realizes she's said it -- that she's revealed her clinging, grasping, bloody hands to Kaworu -- but she decides not to press it. "I'd be pretty stupid to think any of her promises in her current state mattered!" There's a coda to that that she doesn't say, but which is too loud in her head to miss: and it'd be unfair of *her* to expect promises given while Renais's agency is compromised to get honored.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        It's okay that Akane doesn't say the words, 'I consider you a friend, too,' or anything like that. She approves--she appreciates it--she moves closer, if only by a little. Kaworu sees these things, and he accepts them in the spirit in which they're intended. It's the only indication he's got.
        
        But as for Renais... Akane opines that she thinks her agency is so compromised that nothing she says as she is now can be held as valid. Kaworu is about to say that his impression of the Dawn is that it doesn't interfere with the hearts of those it infects on *that* level--but then Akane meets his eyes, and so he holds his tongue.
        
        A hero, not a monster. There is indeed a lot admitted there. And that's why he simply nods, no judgment in his scarlet eyes. He thinks... he and Akane might be even more similar than he'd realized.
        
        Maybe he really shouldn't think of her as a Lilim, even in part.
        
        "I see. I can understand that perspective," Kaworu says at last. "In that case, why don't I talk to her about it for you once she's been cleansed? If you're worried about how to treat her, I don't think unilaterally erasing her memories would be in the spirit of the relationship you want to have."
        
        He looks back at the laptops. They've completed their tests. He reaches out a hand and points at one, large yet sleek, displaying a 3D model of an ever-shifting eight-sided diamond. "Of the laptops available here, that one is the most powerful," he states. "You won't find any complaint with it."
        
        Except maybe for the price, but price is obviously not a concern of his. He *is* a monster, after all. And is she not God in this place?

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

Looking at the laptop, Akane considers it. It's a touch on the heavy side, but she's getting used to stuffing so much crap into her bag... she can probably deal with that. "... Let me think about that while I get this rung up," Akane says, reaching into her bag. She needs to rummage again -- which is usually true, actually. She's getting a little faster at finding what she's looking for just by touch; bank cards are fairly distinct in their shape and texture, after all.

There's the awkward phase, of course -- getting one of the disinterested staff to pay attention to her. She has to raise her voice a bit; once she does, though, the transaction moves smoothly. Before long, she's back in control, and ready to seriously entertain Kaworu's thoughts.

"... Maybe!" is what Akane eventually gives Kaworu, on the topic of talking to Renais about it once she's been cleansed. "I mean -- we could just hope that the stuff in her brain ends up scrambling her memories anyway. Just... start with asking her what she thinks about me as me, and not as God, okay? If it solves itself, we don't wanna ruin it, right? ... to be honest, I'm mostly hoping she just -- leaves, once this is fixed, though."

That's heavy... but Kaworu's demonstrated that he's a monster who doesn't flinch at monster talk, yet again, so... "Her world needs people like her. It's messy! It's all... hurt and scarred up, right?" She's already starting to drift, a bit -- thinking of the outside world as 'Renais's' and not her own. "I'm trying to make a world (heart) that *doesn't* have that many scars (bonds)."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        If it comes to that, Akane could always get someone to carry it for her. She's got plenty of admirers at school. Maybe that Sho Utsumi would like the attention. Not that Kaworu would suggest this, since this isn't his way of thinking. But she *could*.
        
        The awkwardness at least doesn't extend to him. Kaworu is content to stand around waiting as Akane pays for what he recommended. The display laptops have all finished rebooting back to normalcy, including the one Kaworu recommended. It's not as though there isn't a boxed-up version for Akane to purchase for herself, which she does, in fact, purchase for herself.
        
        Once they're back to the topic of Renais, Akane voices the hope that maybe the problem will resolve itself without her needing to do anything. Kaworu wonders if that's what he sounds like too. "All right," he agrees aloud.
        
        His gaze does turn inquisitive at the talk of Renais leaving. This time, though, he doesn't need to prompt her with 'why?' for her to explain herself. It does make sense, though. The world is more important than Kaworu's emotional needs. A sympathetic, *em*pathetic look softens his face. "I see. Yes, I understand your reasoning. It's kind of you to put the outside world's needs over your own."
        
        He pauses then, perhaps discerning the true meaning of the words she speaks aloud. "...If that's so... then does that mean you want *all* outsiders to leave your world once its rifts are repaired?"

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

... *does* she want that?

That's enough to give Akane pause. It indeed kind of leaves her reeling! If Kaworu had asked her a year ago, she would've said yes without a hint of hesitation. But now...

... is it really *so* bad that the world's open? It -- adds possibilities. New ways for her to be alone. New ways for her to separate from others that were paradoxically unavailable with a closed world. New ways for her to connect, to --

"Yeah, it is," she says, latching onto the part of it that's easier to deal with for now. "That's the whole point of this thing! The world and I just don't have to interact with each other. Easier not to worry about that mess."

Doesn't actually let her dodge the question, though. Does she want everyone gone? "... I think it's best if your world and I break it off. Alexis and I can handle this one. This is about as big as a world should really be. Uh -- good luck with yours, though! I'm sure someone'll figure out how to make it stop."

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        As always, Kaworu waits patiently for her response. Whether she really means it or not, she makes her choice--makes it understanding what he's really asking, what she's really telling him.
        
        "I see," he says, unsmiling--but also unjudging. Then: "I'll remember you fondly."
        
        He does still want to help her, and does still intend to reach out his hand. But he knows well that you can't force someone to accept it. Regardless, it's true: whatever happens to Akane and this world, he'll remember her fondly.
        
        Even in the next world.

<Pose Tracker> Akane Shinjo has posed.

"Well... good," Akane says, but even her eyes say something else:

Please don't.

"I should go home," she volunteers, instead. "Thanks for the help picking out a computer!" She doesn't fully *book* it, but there's that whipcord-tension in every muscle that suggests she wants to -- as if Kaworu could turn away for half a second and she'd simply be gone, be out of his life, back in her room, alone.

As is, she starts walking -- the normal way, for now, but decidedly away from Kaworu.

<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.

        This time, Kaworu doesn't respond. He simply watches Akane go as she turns and walks away.
        
        He wonders how it keeps turning so wrong whenever he tries to help someone he cares about.
        
        Unable to find an answer, he waits until she's fully gone. Then he, too, goes away.