View source for 2023-12-05: What Is The Value Of Uncertainty?

*'''Log:''' What Is The Value Of Uncertainty?
*'''Cast:''' [[Character :: Knight]], [[Character :: Kaworu Nagisa]]
*'''Where:''' The Division Train, Jupiter
*'''Date:''' 2023-12-05
*'''Summary''': ''Knight and Kaworu have a conversation about Asuka, Shinobilar, and the nature of Lilim. Meanwhile, Nidaime helps Kaworu pen a song, and inflicts herself on the bridge crew uninvited with snacks. They're very normal people.''
----

[[Category:Logs]]
[[Category:Phase 1, Turn 3]]

 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        The lounge car... is a DJ!

        Well, no, the lounge car isn't a person. Probably isn't a person. Might be a person? Let's presume the Division Train's lounge car is not a person, provisionally. There are two people ('humans' is pushing it) currently occupying the car, while one plays a song and the other bops along.

        Then, Knight happens.

        He just kind of scoots a leg into the door, then pushes himself in sideways (don't get the sword stuck don't get the sword stuck don't get the sword stuck --), because he's holding a tray with drinks and sandwiches. "...?" He asks, when he looks inside, and sees Kaworu and Nidaime there.

        More verbally: "Where is everyone?"

        "Oh, you know, planning and junk," Nidaime rolls her eyes, as she hops up from where she was sitting on the counter. "Oooh, whatcha got?"

        "Lunch," Knight answers, putting it down on the counter. "But everyone's gone."

        "That's easy!" She chirps, as she grabs a plate, dumps some sandwiches on it, and puts two of the glasses on the counter too. Once that's done, ''she'' picks up the tray, now a little lighter. "I'll go bug them! I figured out the keycode to the bridge ages back!"

        "I don't think you're supposed to be there," Knight points out, flatly.

        "Too~ bad~!" Nidaime chirps, as she bustles out. "Hey! Make sure Kaworu drinks something, okay?! He's been working hard!"

        Knight blinks, as he watches her go.

        And then he picks up a glass of cordial and holds it out, arm straight, beside Kaworu.

        "Drink something," he says, illustratively.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        The confusion on the personhood status of the lounge car is understandable, really, considering that it's part of the Division Train, and the Division Train is part of GGG, and GGG just has a lot of metal people in and attached to it. So, provisionally, we will assume that it is not a person. The two beings inside it ''are'' people, and we'll leave it at that.
        
        Kaworu has been working on composing since not long after the ChuuRyuu incident. Talking to Guy afterwards put him on the thought that the best thing he can do to support everyone's hearts--and to soothe his own heart--is to express his feelings in a new song. At this point, he has the seeds of three different songs, but he's focused in on one of them at this point. His fingers caress the keys of an electronic keyboard, usually kept in his cramped quarters but brought out for an opportunity to demonstrate his progress thus far to a friend, to play a gentle, serene melody. Uncoincidentally, it suits Ranka Lee's vocal range perfectly.
        
        Then, Knight happens. This is a good thing for Kaworu and Nidaime both, and he looks over at him mid-verse with a welcoming smile as he scoots into the room with a tray of lunch items. Nidaime answers his question and offloads some of its contents, then takes it upon herself to deliver the rest to everyone else.
        
        "That isn't really necessarily," he tells Nidaime mildly, of him drinking something--but Nidaime has spoken, so mote it be.
        
        So, when Knight picks up a cordial and holds it out, Kaworu's smile continues unabated. His eyes shut, and he wraps up the song sweetly. It's not completed, but that's the point; he'd wanted Nidaime's input. She'd given it already, so it isn't a problem that she's left. At this point, he's simply been playing it over and over with slight variations to pinpoint the sounds he likes best. Working hard indeed--but this is something Kaworu truly enjoys.
        
        With the song wrapped up for now, he accepts the glass. "Did you make this?" he wonders, looking curiously over at the sandwiches, before he takes a decently long sip. "Thank you for bringing it, regardless." He looks Knight over then, and adds, "It seems your injuries have mostly healed."
        
        His physical injuries, at least.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        Nidaime is ''very'' helpful, musically speaking. Did you know she's half-music, on her mother's side? It's true!

        She's also very ''insistent,'' and, well, what Nidaime wants goes, as far as Knight is concerned. Luckily, Kaworu ''does'' take a drink. "Yes," he confirms, with a sharp nod, when Kaworu asks if he made it. "I learned the secrets of cordial from Sayla Mass. You must mix it so that the concentrate is present without being overpowering. Too little, and the taste is thin. Too much, and the taste is unpleasant."

        He elects not to speak of the time Nidaime chugged an entire litre of red cordial concentrate. Some secrets are too terrible for man(?) to know. Instead, he picks up his own glass -- Nidaime left one for him, too! -- and sips. "That tastes right," he decides.

        Knight looks down at himself. "Yes," he says, at length.

        "But my heart's still uneasy."

        What kind of injury is that?

        "Rikka Takarada taught me I could help this way, as well," he says, picking up the plate of sandwiches and offering it to Kaworu. "By showing 'care' for others. Since I can't give my all in a fight, right now."

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        For musical feedback, there's no one better!
        
        But for now, Kaworu moves to one side to avoid drinking over electronics. He folds his legs as he leans back in his seat and listens with interest to Knight's explanation of how to make cordials. This is an aspect of Lilim culture of which he knows next to nothing, so it's genuinely fascinating.
        
        "You did well," he remarks, before taking another sip. Of course, Knight doesn't need his feedback--he can taste for himself that he did well--but it's nice to be acknowledged by others from time to time.
        
        So, too, does Knight acknowledge that his body is (mostly) fine... but his heart is not. Kaworu's smile dims a hair with concern, but he doesn't respond at first. He instead looks down at the plate of sandwiches for a moment as Knight holds it out to him. "Rikka Takarada is wise," he says, and accepts one of the smaller sandwiches. "Everyone is in need of care right now. We are a long way from home, and already there have been many incidents, and individuals, to tear at the heart."
        
        He takes a small bite of his sandwich; chews; swallows. "It tastes pleasant," he says. "The others will surely be pleased when Anosillus II brings the rest to them." He looks back up at Knight. "What still troubles your heart?"
        
        There are many things it ''could'' be, after all. It's best to ask and make certain.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        Knight nods, again, when Kaworu praises his cordial-mixing prowess. He's satisfied to hear that, evidently. So, too, is he happy to hear that Kaworu finds his sandwich pleasant, though he doesn't go so far as to ''smile.''

        (He's still happy.)

        He nibbles at his own sandwich, because he, at least, requires food to live; it must come from his human side.

        "Asuka Shikinami Langley," he says, at length. "And Shinobilar. I know what I must do. But she did not destroy me, when she should have. I couldn't return the favour. And now, I can't face another Auto-Intelligence. I was defeated because I lacked conviction."

        Nibble, nibble, munch.

        His scowl is more troubled, now.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        Though he doesn't do it often, Kaworu has learned how to cook to some extent. He decided to specialize in curry, which is a far cry from a sandwich and a cordial, but it's enough to understand and appreciate flavor. This was for his Lilim companions, but it makes him happy too that he could make a kaiju friend happy as well.
        
        Besides which, there is a unique joy that comes from eating a meal with a friend. Though Kaworu doesn't need food to live, those things are enough for him to decide to eat too.
        
        As far as what troubles Knight, though... the answer isn't unexpected. Still, it's good to confirm. Kaworu nods slowly, smile fading in favor of a more grave expression.
        
        "It's always puzzled me, the bond you and Asuka Shikinami Langley share. She's never seemed to me like a person who cares much for others. But that's always been my own bias. I hate her, and so I have trouble seeing her as she truly is. Regardless of how I feel about her, you care about her--and she cares about you. She is, I think, too proud to be straightforwardly kind. I think," he reiterates.
        
        "It isn't your fault that she was touched by the Twelfth Angel. It... was fate," Kaworu continues, casting his gaze to one side. "I tried to divert that fate myself, but I could not, either." A pause. He meets Knight's eyes again. "Nonetheless, in time, you will see her again. She will be changed. But she will still be herself."
        
        Whether that will help Knight's heart or not, he doesn't know. It didn't address the matter of Shinobilar, either. But it is, Kaworu hopes, a start.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        "She doesn't approach it head-on," Knight says, of Asuka. "It will fool you. Since she faces danger down without flinching. But Asuka Shikinami Langley isn't direct about everything... some things might just be too dangerous."

        Like human connection.

        "She told me how she viewed herself," Knight says. "Where she came from. I won't talk about it, because it's private. But it makes sense why she'd relate to me. And why I relate to her." Present tense. Either he believes Kaworu, or he can't bring himself to give up all hope, regardless. It's likely a mixture of both.

        He pauses, and blinks, overlong.

        "... it's good that you tried."

        And he looks down, from Kaworu, to stare at the remains of his sandwich. "I want to see her again," he confesses, at length.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        Even if Kaworu cannot know Asuka's heart, he does, at least, know her background. He doesn't try to prompt Knight to share what he knows, even before he says that it's too private to share; he can guess what he's aware of. If they relate to each other, then...
        
        But more importantly, Knight uses the present tense, too. It means he has hope. Everyone needs hope--even kaiju.
        
        Maybe especially kaiju, sometimes.
        
        "Her heart is made of spines. She forbids all approach." Kaworu considers his own words, then adds, "All straightforward approach." A beat. "I can't understand someone like that. But this time around, we managed to come to an understanding about various things." About Shinji, mostly. "It's the times when she is circuitous that confound me. It's like she wants to be hated. I don't know if that's true, though."
        
        Knight probably understands her better than Kaworu does, despite being of a different fate. Kaworu doesn't mind that. It's a good thing, in his view. That's part of what's good about the intersection of worlds--an opportunity to connect with hearts one normally wouldn't meet. And the fact that Asuka and Knight ''did'' connect... has helped Kaworu, too.
        
        He smiles at Knight's overlong blink, and what he says after--but it's a sad thing.
        
        "I'm sorry. I don't know how long it will be. You will need to wait a while longer before you can," he says softly. "But I will do what I can to ensure it happens."
        
        That's one thing he's in a position to do, after all.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        "It's good that you don't know," Knight says. "It means you recognise there are things you don't understand, yet. It's simpler to say you know for sure. I haven't found a place where that's true, though." It's the sort of truth one gets very easily when approaching understanding in the manner of an Auto-Intelligence; knowing that he doesn't know was the first step in Anti's progression to understanding many of those unknowns.

        If he didn't know he didn't know, he never would have learned.

        It's fine if Kaworu hates Asuka, he thinks, if he's still open to learning.

        He shakes his head, when Kaworu apologises, as if to non-verbally express 'don't worry about it'. "I can wait," he says, instead. "But I trust you, Kaworu Nagisa. If you say you'll do that, you will." Whether what he can do will be enough isn't a question he broaches -- he understands enough not to question the deep inner workings of NERV. But he knows he'll do what he ''can.'' That's what he promised, after all.

        "If it takes a while," he supposes, "that will give me time to think of what to say to her."

        And he polishes off his sandwich.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        "You're right. Even I can't know everything. Times and places like these, that are outside the realm of my usual experience, underscore that truth," Kaworu replies. "For a time, I had rejected the possibility of understanding Asuka Shikinami Langley better. But while I may not ever come to like her, I have come to see that she is... different, from what I believed. That's thanks to those like you. You in particular have become a bridge between us. For that, I'm grateful."
        
        However Kaworu feels about her, Asuka is one of the fated Children. Their destinies are intertwined--differently from Shinji, differently from Rei, but still bound.
        
        It helps that she's ''Shikinami'' rather than... something else.
        
        He smiles at Knight's words of trust. There's no need to thank him; that gratitude goes without saying, the same as Knight's understanding that doing what one can doesn't necessitate success. Still... Kaworu would like to succeed, for his sake. (For Shinji's sake. Because the broader Asuka's heart grows, the better for him.) "Yes," he says instead.
        
        "As for Shinobilar... I only encountered him once before our recent battle. I don't know him well. He seems very much like what you used to be, though." Even beyond the superficial visual similarities. "Gridman Sigma's Lilim host created him, from what I understand. When Takeshi Todo is no longer in the thrall of the Dawn, perhaps you will be able to speak with Shinobilar directly--or fight him directly. Or both." A battle is often also a conversation. "Whatever the two of you prefer."

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        "Good," Knight nods, hearing that his actions helped bridge Kaworu and Asuka. He is, of course, as economical with his words as ever -- but don't think that undercuts how pleased he is to hear it.

        (And -- ''times'' and places like these -- it's another one of those strange constructions Kaworu uses, and Knight files it away.)

        He is happy, too, to see Kaworu smile. He is not given to smiling, by and large, but he appreciates that Kaworu expresses himself this way.

        "An Auto-Intelligence," Knight confirms, simply. "If Alexis Kerib weren't so afraid of the Aura of Dawn... I wonder if I would have ended up that way." And it might be strange to characterise Alexis as being ''afraid'' of anything, but Knight doesn't sound uncertain in his opinion. "I'm sure to fight him again," he confirms any and all suspicions, in his usual terse manner. "But I want to fight him with my full heart."

        Shinobilar doesn't deserve half a fight.

        Knight pauses, though, and looks to Kaworu. "The 'Lilim'," he broaches, out of nowhere. "That's your word for humanity. Isn't it?"

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        Kaworu doesn't think it does. He is freer with his words than Knight, but he can be just as economical when that's what the conversation calls for. If something is good, that's all that needs to be said. Kaworu smiles at that, too.
        
        He doesn't often get to have friends like Knight or Nidaime. They're important to him--and so are these conversations, so direct and different from conversations he has with humans.
        
        "You might have," Kaworu agrees. The characterization of Alexis Kerib as afraid doesn't confuse or put him off. Kaworu knew him better than most. But, more to the point-- "He feared the Aura of Dawn, but he hadn't feared the Devil Gundam. The results of that were plain."
        
        As for the topic of Shinobilar, he nods. "Then you will need to continue to take care of your heart, to return it to your true strength. I think your current path is correct. You simply need more time." And to let himself be supported--but if Knight has gotten advice from Rikka, then that shouldn't be a problem. He's been working on that on his own.
        
        The topic shifts, suddenly, to the word 'Lilim.' It's a little surprising to Kaworu, though it perhaps shouldn't be. Many people have asked about it before. "Yes," he confirms. And, because it's Knight he's talking to: "But Lilim doesn't refer to just humanity."

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        Nidaime and Knight are only adjacent to humanity, after all. Knight is closer to humans than his partner is -- he's human-hearted, after all -- but they're both outsiders, in the end.

        All three of them are.

        "I think," Knight muses, "he thought he knew what to expect from the Devil Gundam. Because he was certain, it took him by surprise. But he couldn't be certain about the Aura of Dawn. I think that's the difference." Speaking of certainty as a watchword for the episode.

        He nods, in turn, when Kaworu tells him to care for his heart. "I won't give up." That's kind of a strange way to put it, but -- well, maybe it suits ''him.''

        And he tilts his head, and updates his metrics, and asks: "Would you refer to me as one?"

        If anything, he's asking as if it's a game he's playing, like he's been worrying a cognitive bone for a while.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        Outsiders looking in... but that's not necessarily a bad thing, to Kaworu. Sometimes it's like being the audience of a play. Even if they're not a part of the theatrics, they can still appreciate them and applaud their efforts.
        
        "Hmm... I think you're right. It was perhaps also because he wouldn't be the one to suffer the consequences if he were mistaken," Kaworu opines, of Alexis. "But most importantly... the Devil Gundam could have destroyed a world. But the Aura of the Dawn... it marked the end of a universe. I suspect that scale was beyond even him."
        
        Strange, but it ''does'' suit him. Whether it's perseverence or stubbornness, Knight has never been one to give up on anything or anyone. It's good to see that includes himself. Kaworu gives him another encouraging smile.
        
        "No," he replies promptly, of Knight being a Lilim. "But it isn't because you're a kaiju. There are many lifeforms called 'kaiju' that could also be classified as Lilim. And at the same time, there are many called 'kaiju' that are ''not'' Lilim." And, because Gridman asked once: "Repli-Compoids are very close to humans--essentially the same in many vital ways--but they are not Lilim, either."

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        The scale of a threat is difficult to process, sometimes, when you're larger than the people suffering it. But, "... both the Aura of Dawn and the Devil Gundam were the end, for the people on Earth." Knight's tried to get better at appreciating that perspective, ever since Utsumi called him out about it.

        Speaking of things he appreciates: "Interesting," Knight says, when Kaworu elaborates on the nature of Lilim. "So it's not simply the word for those who aren't your kind." He's ''quite'' sure Kaworu isn't a Repli-Compoid, after all. "Then I'll keep working on it." He's not going to ask Kaworu to ''tell'' him, because:

        "It's fun to try and figure out."

        Wait, he's been looking at all the times Kaworu talked about Lilim and narrowing the category down all this time?!

        GET A HOBBY, KNIGHT.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        "That's true," Kaworu agrees. The end of a world and the end of a universe are astronomically different in scale, but for the people who live on that world, it's exactly the same. For those such as them, it's an important distinction to appreciate. For those such as them, it's taken some time ''to'' appreciate.
        
        Though Kaworu is circuitous in how he broaches the matter of what defines a Lilim, had Knight asked him directly, he would have told him. This is not typical. Knight is not a human, and is not beholden to the rules of humans, even as he takes the form of one; if it's him, Kaworu would have been willing to say it. But--
        
        "Oh?" It turns out Knight won't do that... because he wants to figure it out on his own. Kaworu breaks into quiet giggles. "I'm glad to hear it," he says fondly. "Then I look forward to seeing if you can puzzle it out on your own."
        
        He doesn't think he can all on his own, though, which is why he adds, "Would you like another hint?"

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        But it's the fact that they can consider things from someone else's perspective which means they're not simply kaiju, any more, in Knight's eyes. (It's a category distinction, not a species distinction.)

        And Kaworu's perspective is --

        "Hmm..." Knight considers, folding his arms. He thinks very carefully and deliberately on the nature of this ''hint.'' He takes it ''very seriously.'' He's still having fun, of course; he just treats his fun as seriously as anything else in his life.

        "All right," he says, unfurling with a nod. "I will take one more hint." Exactly one!

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
<poem>

        Kaworu waits, continuing to smile, as Knight weighs whether or not to accept this hint. Strictly speaking, he's already received several just now, so it would be understandable if he refused. If the fun is in trying to assess the meaning based on what Kaworu has said thus far, then getting too many clues would ruin that fun.
        
        Ultimately, he chooses to accept. Kaworu's smile broadens. He's pleased to hear it, because-- "There is someone on the Division Train who can give you necessary context."
        
        This is a game he can pursue while right here, to distract him from the concerns that fray at his heart.

        "I don't know if they ''will'', however," he adds, because fair is fair.

</poem>
 <Pose Tracker> Knight has posed.
<poem>

        "Then I'll have to find them," Knight says, "and see what they have to say."

        And so, he -- starts walking for the door?!

        "I'll search until I find them," he assures Kaworu.

        Off he goes, leaving a sandwich behind for the young man at his piano.

        He really is a direct sort of guy...
</poem>