2023-02-25: ...i must absorb the truth of my responsibilities to the worlD
- Log: ...i must absorb the truth of my responsibilities to the worlD
- Cast: Yuliana Kafim, Elisa Kafim
- Where: The Silent Castle, Kaffeklubben Island
- Date: 2023-02-25
- Summary: Elisa continues deprogramming Yuliana's indoctrination, but now it's Yuliana in charge of when that intense therapy stops. After she calls an end to it, she starts thinking of the remaining members of her squad; Elisa helpfully promises not to harm them. But Yuliana isn't bothered because she thinks Elisa is jealous -- why would she ever think that! -- she's worried because of what a real boy told her; she's worried that other people might be real. Luckily, Elisa has an explanation for that, as well... and her own thoughts about where Yuliana's responsibilities lie.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
"Yeah, I... I always liked rabbits," the line of questioning begins. "You know, they're... they're very together. They really have to have good judgement... I guess that's what I thought of them."
It's only later that she chokes out the word: "Prudence. That's -- that's it. That's what they wanted out of that... I wasn't to embarrass them. Everything was normal, and I couldn't seek help from outside, of course." Perhaps Elisa remembers how difficult it was to convince her to let her help her, at first; she wasn't allowed to see doctors outside of Medical.
"But... it's something I resisted after a while, wasn't it?" She ventures, finally, after exploring the trigger. "Since I couldn't really hide anything from you... well, but that's not just it. After -- after I," she corrects the source of her statement, "resolved to use little Leyasha... it was after that I told her all those things, wasn't it?" She can't be sure; she can't entirely trust her own memory.
(She's wrong, of course. She snapped and revealed the truth of her painful existence to Leina before the girl met Major Pham -- and she brought up the two of them up to Elisa. But it is a more convenient timeline, isn't it? A deliberate decision which she surely made, instead of an unplanned disclosure reaching out to another person...)
She's sitting beside Elisa, on the couch; her hands play with the green fold, in their rounded settings. Three crystals, this time, hung about her neck on a rich chain of gold. The two which need charging are arranged to either side of one which has been darkened sufficiently. It was her idea -- or at least, she certainly thinks so; she thought that keeping a complete crystal on her person might help Elisa, if she gets in trouble in the future. She didn't go so far as to consider the psychological effects on her own person. Perhaps it's fine, now she's more perfect than she was... or perhaps she simply didn't think to value her madness as negative.
It helps her speak, for a while. But eventually -- and not for the first time -- she insists, with a tight voice: "That's enough." She manages to get an entire breath in before she adds, with clear nervous pressure, "... just for now, okay? I feel sick..." And rather piteous, judging by her tone, but she pushes herself terribly hard for Elisa's sake during deindoctrination. ... it's hard to even feel like herself.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Rabbits.
Prudence.
The days she couldn't accept help... Until, of course, Elisa pushed through that particular barrier. If she is aware of the disparity in Yuliana's memory, she does not correct it. It is indeed a convenient timeline.
Elisa considers Yuliana's madness to be a pure thing, important. Why would she stop such a thing? She would not call it madness at all. The complete crystal remains, and Elisa can draw upon it in these moments. Not that she needs her power for Yuliana here. She is doing this to avoid such a necessity.
But after a while...
"Very well," Elisa answers. "For now. You must rest your mind and heart." Elisa closes down her notes, sets down the pad. THere is nothing in there Yuliana cannot see, of course; it's intentional, that Elisa records notes she is willing to show her wife, unlike many doctors do.
"You have done very well today," she says. "You have made much progress. Now, it is time to be calm. You will feel better, as we drift from this subject." It is not hypnosis; it's just soothing words. That's all.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Elisa is working so hard, all for her sake. Doing things this slowly, just to avoid using her powers on her...
She's grateful.
Grateful, too, for the ability to see her own notes; she did look, at first, to see how Elisa was writing about her. It's not that she doesn't trust her, of course, it's just -- well, medical documentation -- it hasn't treated her well, in the past. She doesn't feel so worried about it now, though. Elisa... actually cares about her, unlike the people from Medical.
"Thank you," she says, quietly. She's expressed before the way Dr. Tian was so much more determined, uncovering her negative feelings. The way she wasn't allowed to stop until her psychiatrist was satisfied. ... she's expressed that she's glad she's dead, too, in a session after Leina and Banagher called.
She doesn't labour the point today, though. Perhaps it's too difficult, given just what she was speaking about.
But she must rest; must be calm. Once Elisa has set down her notes, she scoots up beside her; slings her legs across her knees, her arm about her chest, her snakes about her midsection. She hugs herself to Elisa, she takes a deep breath; and in time, in those raw and seeking moments, Yuliana returns to herself.
"Elya," she murmurs, and the anxiety in her jealous green eyes has fled in the face of her love, gazing up to her. "You're so good to me... I'm so glad you're here to help me."
With a light chuckle, she says: "Ahh, Lettu must have so much more trouble, with such an unsympathetic interviewer... but I don't want to share, so she's stuck with Letda!" It's Indonesian slang, of course, for one's first and second Lieutenants. Yuliana was using their names, up until recently, but she's since gone back to nicknaming them by rank.
Which is probably fine.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa does her best, of course. And she is happy to show those notes whenever Yuliana asks. She has encouraged her, when she spoke of this gladness; told her that it is right, and good. It is a good thing.
Yuliana comes around, and Elisa holds Yuliana there. She waits; she is cold, but not so cold after a while, and she is patient, and still patient after a while indeed. She looks towards Yuliana's eyes.
"I would do no less," she says simply. Than to be here; to help. This is where she wishes to be. However...
"Heh," Elisa laughs faintly. "True," she says. "Your Parminder is an amusing man, but not a gentle one. Your Wen is..." She considers. "Well, I am glad we were able to rescue them for you." Both of them!
It's probably fine. Elisa uses their names, of course, and calls them Yuliana's, for of course they are hers.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
And Yuliana looks to Elisa's eyes, horribly intimate, all laced together with her. In its way, it's almost as intense as the questioning; in much the same way, she doesn't resist. She could lose herself in her eyes, and certainly Yuliana's are designed to consume men whole, now.
"You were so thoughtful," she purrs, sinking boneless into Elisa's embrace. "Making sure they were there when I woke up... so I didn't have to worry. You knew I would..."
Her cheeks colour with affection; Yuliana's blood is cooler than it was, before, but still much warmer than Elisa. Warm enough to warm her cheeks, certainly. "They're good men," she says, and there's warmth to her voice, too. "Clever and skilled... and true in one fashion or another." Perhaps it hasn't escaped Elisa's notice, the way Parminder would sell them for a single corn chip. Or perhaps it has! They're not Yuliana.
"Zhenushka, can I ask something of you?" She asks, lifting a hand to curl her fingers through her ponytail. Her bracelet matches her hair. "Even if they're quarrelsome or impertinent... please, leave them be. I suppose they still consider me their Captain... so I don't wish for them to be compelled or changed. That's just fine, isn't it...?"
She sighs, the ghost of a frown flitting over her brow. "It's just... mm," she starts, and stops herself, and doesn't immediately explain why she's so worried about the wellbeing of anyone who isn't Elisa.
... but perhaps it has to do with that boy, Kaworu.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa does not look away. She does not blink.
"I did," she answers. She knew. And she sees that warmth of affection... and the discussion of her soldiers. "Yes," she says. "I have seen their cleverness."
But she asks something of her. Elisa considers it for a moment, tilting her head to look into Yuliana's eyes. What they consider...
Is this why? Hmmmm. Elisa considers this reasoning. Perhaps it could be better suited...
"You may," Elisa answers, "And you have my word that I will not. I shall give them patience and forebearance, as befits your favored companions."
She considers, that frown. It's just...?
"What is it?" Elisa wonders. "Is it strange, to think that you can have such allies? Have I given you reason to believe I would be jealous of companions, who do not infringe upon our bond?" She means it double, of course. Both ways, with and without the comma.
"Or is it... something else?"
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Oh, Yuliana still blinks. Horizontally, even!
For now.
But Elisa is permissive; Elisa will permit them, and relief does cross over Yuliana's own eyes, hearing that. Her smile spreads a little wider. Her fingers trace the lines of Elisa's hair, pulled back, behind her ears.
That movement pauses, as Elisa wonders, though Yuliana doesn't look away. "Certainly, I wouldn't want you to be jealous..." Yuliana starts, yielding, and her lips part for breath even as the words trail off. She tilts her head, to mirror Elisa's cant; she exposes her neck, in the process. "You're most important to me. But other people can be... of use to us," she says, in just the way Elisa said it. As if Elisa hadn't said it in the first place, she asks: "Don't you think so?"
Her fingers take up motion again, to trace the edges of Elisa's pointed ear. "I was just thinking..." She starts, and if she sounds a little distracted, surely she's just taken with her wife. (By.) "Well, that is, I suppose, it's been bothering me... what that boy said. How other people are real... you know, outside of us." And certainly, Yuliana believes that.
"If... if they are... shouldn't I be bothered about what happens to them now they've followed me here...? Lettu and Letda, I mean... don't I have some responsibility for them?"
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa smiles back, and even notices the way Yuliana's hand wanders through her hair, at her ear. Yuliana starts, and the words trail off; she looks at Yuliana still. But other people... yes. "I do," she agrees, also as if she hadn't said it in the first place. "I think that's a clever thought." She remembers, of course; the matter of Leina Ashta...
but Elisa tilts her head in the direction of Yuliana's fingers, as if leaning into the touch. Perhaps she even is. "Ahhh, yes..."
Others are real...
Elisa considers that. "If we accept what the boy says is true... Then certainly, to a degree you bear responsibility for those companions you choose to protect. That they followed you here is not enough to convey this responsibility--many could do this to whom you have no such bond, no such duty."
"But you choose to shield them; you have chosen to ask me to spare their idiosyncrasies. So certainly; concern yourself with this."
"But remember that it is your choice to do so. Let us say that he is right, that they are 'real'. That may be true. But you hold a higher responsibility; our work will benefit all. If some should have to suffer for this benefit, then isn't that for the best for the others? Remember how important you are, my Yuliana."
"We must consider the greater whole of the world, of the very universe. Some will not understand. But you understand, I am sure. That while other stories exist, ours is the most vital. Ours is the story that will see all things to their true forms."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana smiles, and she is flattered, to hear Elisa praise what was surely her idea.
(Adoration softens her gaze, feeling Elisa lean into her fingertips; her own head tilts, to follow her movement.)
But Elisa speaks of her choices, her concerns, and Yuliana's eyelids flutter as she lets her words wash over and through her. She shivers, as she bids her to remember, and her chin tilts and her head cants just that little bit further. She asked, and now she yields to the answer.
"Yes," she murmurs, gazing up to Elisa with eyelids half-drawn down her eyes. "Yes, I understand... of course I understand, darling."
Elisa always sounds so sure. She always knows just what to do.
"It's best for them," she repeats, "even if they suffer... oh, but I've caused so much," and that vague upset crosses over the torn-open wound of her eyes, lost in Elisa's, subsumed. "Since they were fake, I, I was so thoughtlessly cruel... is it really all for a purpose, Elya? When all I set to achieve was hurting them, even if they did nothing to me..."
She's almost talking as if she doesn't have the right.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
Elisa straightens as they discuss the matter of others. She asked. Now, she gets her answer. But... It is not quite enough on its own. She listens; she watches. Yuliana understands, and yet, there is more suffering, that vague upset in her eyes. Yes, Elisa sees it. Her cruelty...
"And if you had taken other choices, if you had chosen other paths, would you have come to where you are now? No. What you have done is what you must have done. It is the only way that we can arrive at where we are, and move forward. We cannot lose ourselves in wondering 'what if?' because the answer is unacceptable. What if? Then it would be different. You might not be here with me. And that would be terrible."
"..Besides," she says. "Perhaps it is no fault of their own, these 'Newtypes'. They did not ask to be made what they are. But they are; their very existence destabilizes the necessary world. Some make up for this by assisting us; some can counteract that awful curse upon themselves and the world around them accordingly. But those who do not...?"
"It is your right--your responsibility--to deal with them in whatever way feels necessary. It is your duty to show cruelty to those that deserve it, my Yuliana. To do less would be injustice."
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Oh!, Yuliana exclaims, inside herself, possibility is such a vengeful beast. Elisa straightens, but Yuliana keeps leaning into Elisa's arms, all listing to the side. A little shake of her head, as Elisa issues that negative. Her fingers drop, from her ear, down to her neck.
(Does she even still have a pulse, these days?)
Her eyes widen, in wounded horror, as Elisa supposes she might not be here with her. Her knees curl in, about Elisa's legs; those snakes tighten, about her midsection. With her actions, if not her words, she confirms how terrible it would be.
Elisa explains just why they're wretched; why those awful people might tug at Yuliana's sympathies. Her lips shape the word, 'destabilise', without volume.
Her duty... their justice...
Finally Yuliana straightens, as well, and tugs Elisa down by her shoulder in the same gesture; she presses her lips to hers, with fierce gratitude. Her head tilts forward, when she parts, seeking to press her forehead to Elisa's. The movement of her fins is periphery to her eyes, green searching for green, again.
She trembles, and her breath hitches and sighs, and if she drowned herself in her, would that be reassurance enough?
She's so afraid. She's so afraid, but Elisa is so sure, and she holds her in such surety. "If you say it is so," she breathes, "it must be so. Oh, Elya..."
It all has an explanation. She has an explanation, and her anxiety has relief to ease it, just the same.
"They're... just a bad first draft, aren't they? They're... failures which led to me... using those methods..." It's not so dissimilar to work Elisa's done before, and as before Yuliana accepts the logic into herself, speaks it as if it came from her own voice.
But the truth is, Elisa's hand is always visible in her work -- for those who know where to look.
Well, that at least means it's visible to Elisa, surely.
"Those wretched creatures... I suppose sometimes it can be sad... but you're right, of course," she says, hushed. "That's my responsibility... since they can't hide from me."
She says it, and says nothing, for a moment, consternation crossing her gaze. The objection is written on her face before she pours it into her lips: "... but... just as I'm their predator... there's something that predates on me, Elya. Someone I can't hide from... Sophia Mayhew Castellan. Not one of them... she's not one of them, but..."
Her anxiety takes on a different flavour, as her fingers curl, at Elisa's shoulder. "... I can't hide from her," she says, and it bothers her.
<Pose Tracker> Elisa Kafim has posed.
It is, it is.
Elisa holds Yuliana, in more ways than one. In this particular way, she holds her physically, is the support against which she leans. ...And as it happens, there is a pulse there at her neck. She still has blood that pumps. But one might wonder about the details. They might be worse than having none at all.
The tighter grip of the snakes bothers her not at all; it is a pleasant pressure, a reminder of Yuliana's regard. And she explains, oh, she explains...
When Yuliana straightens, Elisa allows herself to be moved. She accepts this kiss and this gratitude with a small sound from her throat, pleased. It is good, she says without words.
And there green finds green.
Elisa is so very sure. As always. If she says it is so... and she does. She does say it.
Elisa smiles, at that relieved anxiety, and looks curiously at her. Is it curiosity? It's interest, surely, when Elisa sees that approach... No, it is not dissimilar.
It will do.
"Yes. You see it."
Then she pauses. She notices that consternation. She sees the objection, and...
Sophia Mayhew Castellan. The name has never been important to her. But she is not one of them, and yet...
"...Hm," Elisa says. "Well. We cannot have that," quite simply. "Then you will not hide from her. I will gird you with power, with armor against her. I will protect you, my Yuliana."
She does not want to distress her by asking after this Sophia directly. Not now; not when she has made so much progress. But perhaps...
"Yes," she says. "I will protect you. Worry not."
Perhaps it is time for Parminder to show his usefulness to her, as well.
<Pose Tracker> Yuliana Kafim has posed.
Yuliana -- Elisa's aforementioned work -- is held, and held, and held, willingly and without reservation.
One might wonder about the details, but Yuliana does not. She is glad, instead, that blood still pumps through Elisa's veins. Her heart beats for her, after all.
It would be a shame if it stopped for her, too.
And oh, it is good.
Elisa says Yuliana can see, and she smiles, doe-eyed and doting, though all she can see is Elisa. She is glad, in that moment, even as her expression clouds a second later.
She's not troubled for long. Elisa reassures her, and Yuliana sighs, another foolish smile easing her features. "Oh, Elya," elya, elya, my whole world narrowing to you, consumed by your gaze, dictated from your lips!, "I'm so relieved... it's so easy for me to feel unsafe, but it doesn't trouble me at all, here. You've always protected me... thank you, sputnica zhizni." She breathes the invocation, that term for the companion she's chosen for life.
The term for Elisa.
She sinks into Elisa's arms, and lays her head on her shoulder, finally closing her eyes. "I love you," she says, and not for the first time today. "I'm so happy I'm yours..."
She's making so much progress, and it's all thanks to her doting wife.
Surely Parminder can show some gratitude, just the same.