2023-01-15: II. Romanze (Piano Concerto No. 1 in E Minor, Op. 11)
- Log: 2023-01-15: II. Romanze (Piano Concerto No. 1 in E Minor, Op. 11)
- Cast: Yuta Hibiki (Gridman), Kaworu Nagisa
- Where: Yuta's apartment, Tsutsujidai
- OOC - IC Date: January 15, 0097 (2023)
- Summary: Kaworu and Gridman discuss the nature of a splintered soul, and what that means for him--and for them.
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Through the ever-present hush of rain, a stilted laugh rings out. Stairs are still painful, Gridman had told his boyfriend. He hasn't been able to visit Yuta Hibiki's apartment because of this. Kaworu had simply smiled and offered to carry him.
Something about being picked up and carried with such ease is an absolute novelty to the Giant of Light. It's an utterly new sensation, he's certain. Even if he had his memory, Gridman can't imagine anyone has ever carried him like this before. Kaworu moves with absolute ease and grace, as if Gridman weighed nothing at all. Being this close to the young man he's so fond of is intoxicating in its own way, too.
Thankfully, Gridman's recovery is going well. He can leave the wheelchair behind most days, now, walking wherever he'd like to go under his own power. More difficult than moving around was convincing Max to give Gridman and Kaworu some time alone. After Gridman's meeting with his brother went well, Max was far more inclined to agree, but Gridman could see the worry in the large man's eyes. The fact that he still agreed was an expression of trust, both toward Gridman and Kaworu.
Opening the door may cause a bit of a fumble. The inside of the apartment is dark, save for the cloud-dampened sunlight entering through the open windows. Everything is clean and in good order, at least, even Yuta's own room. The picture frame of Yuta Hibiki and his parents' shadowed faces waits in the entryway, but Gridman, for once, doesn't glance at it.
"I feel like a bride." Gridman says, a shy grin on his face. "Being carried across the threshold like this."
An awfully-casually dressed bride, of course -- save for the pearlescent snowflake charm on a simple chain around the Hyper Agent's neck.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
To look at him, one wouldn't necessarily assume that Kaworu could lift a person in his arms without effort. Yet he does so, and with the same easy grace with which he does just about everything. Perhaps it's related to his secretly being a kaiju. He's let Gridman decide for himself whether to tell the Neon Genesis Junior High Students that. Either way, when Max looked at them with worry and decided to let them go off on their own anyway, Kaworu had graced him with a smile and words of gratitude.
Now they enter the apartment itself. Kaworu had intended to only carry Gridman up the stairs, but he seems so contented being in his arms that he keeps hold of him as far as the door. Presumably the door was locked; it opens as though it was not under Kaworu's hand. He smiles back at his boyfriend.
"Is it a good feeling? Are you comfortable?" he wonders. He thinks he knows the answer... but it would be nice to hear it from him.
Once they're inside, Kaworu finally, gently lets him down, then shuts the door, slips off his shoes, and turns on the lights. The snowflake charm that hangs around his own neck shines in the sudden brightness. He surveys the apartment; it might be a bit dusty, but nothing is out of place. He walks over to the couch and sits there, leaving room enough for Gridman to sit next to him as close or as far away as he pleases.
"As I mentioned, I wanted to talk to you," he says. "I had the chance to converse with Asuka Shikinami Langley, and she expanded on the things you passed on to me. I thought it would be important to discuss them. Specifically, it's about the nature of a splintered soul." He pauses a second. "Is that all right with you?"
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Kaworu opens the door so casually, Gridman doesn't even realize the minor miracle the young man has just performed. Swept away in the thrill of the moment, all he cares about is watching Kaworu's gentle smile and feeling his arms keeping Gridman safe.
"Yes. I'm sure I'm the first Giant of Light to ever be carried this way." Gridman's yellow eyes sparkle with affection. So much life has returned to them, since he first awoke. "You're truly amazing, Kaworu. I'll get strong as fast as I can, so I can carry you, too."
Gridman steps out of Kaworu's arms with a slight stumble, but he recovers easily. Slipping off his own shoes, he stacks them neatly by the side of the wall. It's a familiar habit by now, one that feels good to repeat after so long.
With a quick glance around the apartment, Gridman walks after Kaworu. He'd offer food, but Kaworu's never seemed fond of it, and all the food that was left in Yuta's apartment was donated to the relief efforts. Each other's company will be enough.
Kaworu sits, and Gridman scoots in close to him. Sitting sideways on the couch so he can easily talk to his boyfriend, he folds his legs in neatly, letting his knee brush against Kaworu's leg. This gentle intimacy feels warm, and Gridman can't keep a soft blush from dusting his cheeks.
A soft nod. "Yes. This is something Asuka seemed very concerned about, it made her very emotional when I tried to explain myself. I'd be happy to hear what more she has to say. And I have many questions and concerns of my own, and very little places to turn for answers."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
No miracle. Kaworu simply unlocked the door with the light of his heart. Absolutely normal, for him.
And as each day goes by, Gridman keeps creating a new normal for himself. There's a striking difference between when he first awoke and the way he is now, and Kaworu's red eyes crinkle with affection to see it. "I'm looking forward to it."
It's fine that there's no food to offer; Kaworu wouldn't accept it anyway. Having each other's company is more than enough for him. When Gridman sits close enough to let his knee brush his leg, Kaworu enjoys the contact, setting his hand down between them so Gridman can hold it if he pleases.
"I can't explain to you exactly why she was so upset," Kaworu replies, his tone apologetic. This isn't a 'can't' as in 'I don't know,' but a 'can't' as in 'I promised I'd keep it a secret,' and to continue to keep that secret, he doesn't clarify the difference. "To her, it's a matter of the pieces of the whole... mm... taking on a life of their own separate from that whole."
His smile fades as he sobers. "...Because you--or rather, the you who was known as Yuta Hibiki--aren't the only fragment of your soul."
He waits for Gridman's reaction. This, too, was something Nidaime had told him, and he wants to know if Gridman has already sensed this much for himself.
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
To understand Kaworu is to be able to pick up on his quiet signals. Gridman considers himself fairly good at this by now, and he smiles again as he twines their fingers together. The smiles last longer and come easier, now.
"Of course. Asuka's emotions are hers alone, and she doesn't seem especially communicative regarding them." Or especially friendly about it. Gridman's trust in Kaworu is absolute, and so the difference between 'can't' and 'won't' is not noticed, or minded. "So the fact that the splinter that was me became such a believable 'Yuta' has distressed her? Even though he and I are whole again, now... I would consider that a happy ending, myself."
As Kaworu's smile fades, Gridman looks concerned. "...what?"
Where else could the other fragments be? Was part of himself left behind in the Hyper world? Gridman thinks back to his experience talking with Sigma. Could there be an 'evil half' or 'good half' of himself wandering around, somewhere? Perhaps in the wider world?
Gridman brings his other hand to Kaworu's, anxiety clear in his face. "Please, go on."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
It feels good to have their fingers twined. Certainly Kaworu had been touching plenty of Gridman when he'd carried that in, but that had been as much necessity as it had been anything. Now it's simply because they want to touch each other. It truly does feel good.
"Yes... That's her way, unfortunately. As for that, it's not that you as that splinter were able to pass as 'Yuta'... Her view is that since 'Yuta Hibiki' could pass as human and 'Gridman' could not, that means that 'Yuta Hibiki' is a distinct person from 'Gridman.'" He squeezes his hand a touch. "Of course, she hasn't had the chance to see you like this. I said as much to her, too."
But it isn't just that. If it were just 'Yuta Hibiki' and 'Gridman,' maybe it wouldn't be an issue. But... Judging by his reaction, it seems he hasn't an inkling. Or perhaps Kaworu hasn't made himself clear? He regards his companion in silence for a moment, until Gridman urges him to continue. "...Very well. But let me ask this first: do you want a hint so you may realize it for yourself, or would you rather I simply tell you?"
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Gridman tilts his head softly as Kaworu goes on. Attached to his red hair is a blue clip, looking much like the hair accessories the Eva pilots wear. Only the one, though, and it seems to have been painted this color by hand.
"I see..." Gridman murmurs, thinking it over. "That version of myself was very different. When Asuka came into my hospital room, she said 'Akane killed that kid, didn't she?'. I suppose that makes more sense, understanding her viewpoint. To her, 'Yuta' really has died." Gridman sighs, closing his eyes for a moment. When they open again, they're vibrant blue, as they once were. "I can do this. But I can't seem to get the feel of how I used to be, when I believed I was him. I think I'm getting closer, the longer I exist this way, but it's... difficult. Merging two sets of memories."
Closing his eyes again, Gridman lets them revert to their yellow hue.
"My brother, Gridman Sigma, came to find me this week. He was very kind. He told me the past of his own host... partner... I'm not sure what the proper term is. Takeshi is his name, and at one point, a 'good' version of him appeared, after he'd done terrible things. The good version tried to kill the true version. Is it... something like that?" Gridman asks, but sounds unsure. Wouldn't he be able to sense another version of himself wandering around?
But Kaworu asks if he wants a hint, or to be told. Gridman takes a moment to think. He's forgotten so much, and those missing memories have hurt people. Even if it might be kinder to learn this truth for himself, he doesn't have the time to puzzle it out. Alexis Kerib could make his move any time.
"I'd like you to tell me, please, Kaworu."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu has noticed it, and it's put a smile on his face. They aren't simply accessories, but he hasn't said as much to him. He likes how Gridman likes to make things with his hands, and his version of it is a simply charming accessory.
"Yes... I understand how she interpreted it that way. I wasn't able to convince her otherwise, but... she has a tendency to be stuck in her ways." In a few days, he'll realize that she has changed, but that's the future. For right now, he simply gazes into blue-then-yellow eyes.
"I think you're getting closer, too. You're far more expressive now than you were when you awoke," he replies. "In time, she'll understand... I think." After all, it's not just the fact that one acts human and the other doesn't that is the matter for her.
His red eyes flash with abrupt concern, though, at the mention of his brother. "Gridman Sigma?" he echoes, and then falls silent. "I don't... believe so. I'm only passingly familiar with him." The way he is familiar is through that time Sigma attacked and attempted to take over the MAGI. Yuta had been there, too, so Kaworu doesn't bring it up. Either way, it sounds like a separate issue.
And either way, Gridman asks him to simply tell him. Kaworu nods once. "Calibur. Vit. Max. Borr. Anosillus II told me they are all also fragments of your soul," he states quietly. "They, too, have no memories before a certain point, don't they? And their powers also interlock with and support your own." He brushes his thumb along Gridman's hand. "So it isn't simply a matter of you having lost your memories and mistaken yourself as someone else. There are several pieces of you, all with distinct faces, voices, personalities, values, and abilities.
"To someone like Asuka Shikinami Langley, they are each their own individuals. Perhaps even they think of themselves as their own individuals. So to hear that a fragment should be subsumed by the whole... She finds it upsetting." A beat. "Perhaps you find it upsetting as well."
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
Asuka... Gridman has never been close with her. He's even gotten the feeling that Rikka doesn't like Asuka at all, which definitely colors his opinion. Asuka is prickly and quick to anger, for all her talent. Gridman's regularly worried about what Shinji's fate will be, as her boyfriend.
"It's alright." Gridman says, with a little smile. "I'll prove myself to her, once the moment arises. She's been kind to Anti, so I'm sure she could accept me, in time. Thank you for trying, though."
Gridman smiles as Kaworu acknowledges his progress. "I hope you don't mind how much I've changed. I think... I'd like to find a middle point between myself and the self that was Yuta. Both existences are very important to me."
"Yes. He came to visit me in Junk Shop Aya, and we had hot chocolate." Gridman says, of his brother. He seems very pleased with this. "Sigma told me about our lives before Tsutsujidai. I had another host, once. I wish I could remember him. From what I understand, he's split from the Sigma who has been taken over by the Light of the Dawn. Takeshi took Sigma's power." Gridman's brow furrows. "He told me I saved Takeshi once. I intend on doing so again.
But then, Kaworu reveals the truth. Gridman's face goes blank in shock. "How can that-- yes, none of them can remember before Alexis... split me apart."
Ah.
"I see." Gridman closes his eyes, leaning sideways into the couch. His hands tightly hold to Kaworu's, and he's still for a moment. Each one of his treasured comrades is actually just a part of his own soul? What is he supposed to do with this information?
"They're so distinct. Each of them... deserves to be their own being. I can't just." Gridman opens his eyes, looking at Kaworu with clear distress. "I can't just absorb them, after everything. What would happen to Calibur's cats? Or Ennil? Max's house, or Borr's garden?"
"Is this why I can't remember how to use Fixer Beam? Because we're... I'm... apart? Asuka is right, in this case. They are their own individuals. They don't know any better, now, but I'm certain they all consider themselves seperate from me. They..."
It is upsetting. Gridman squeezes his eyes closed again. "What kind of being am I, that can be split into pieces and put back together so easily? I don't want to destroy my own comrades!"
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Kaworu and Asuka had talked about her relationship with Shinji, too. Though he might not like her, he does respect that she cares about Shinji and how he feels. If not for that, he wouldn't have encouraged both of them to be together. This isn't about that, though.
For right now, he smiles back. "Yes. She seems to genuinely care about Anti. I admit, it speaks well of her." He chuckles. "You're welcome. And I don't. In many ways, we all constantly change even as we remain the same. If I were to compare myself to how I was in my youth..." He laughs a little. "It would be exactly as I said."
So they had a peaceful encounter... That's good. Kaworu relaxes anew as he considers this, especially as Gridman explains what's going on with the matter of the Light of the Dawn. "I see... So that's what happened. I'm certainly you will."
But from there, he tells Gridman the simple truth. For a moment, he's silent as Gridman processes it, still holding his hand. "I don't know," he admits quietly. "I imagine this is why Anosillus II thought it best for you to realize on your own time. But... it's as you say. It will only grow more difficult the more they gain more of a 'self' outside of being 'you.' Asuka Shikinami Langley made me realize that."
Is that why he can't use Fixer Beam? "I don't know," he admits. As Gridman squeezes his eyes shut and his agitation grows, Kaworu slips his hand out of his--to draw his arms around him and pull him closer, should Gridman let him. "There isn't a good solution, is there? I'm sorry. I don't think it would be destruction to become one with them again, but... I understand why you're disturbed."
The whole reason they're talking about it is because there's solid reason to disagree, after all.
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
"It's good she does. Anti made his opinions on me very clear, though I hope that's changing. We've fought together now, after all. And Calibur's been mentoring him. But Anti deserves to have bonds he's created himself, and not out of obligation."
How does Anosillus II know so much about Gridman, anyway? The question floats through Gridman's mind, almost an effort to distract himself away from this distressing news. But he has to stay focused -- this is far too serious to turn away from.
"Yes, you're right. At the beginning, all of us would've merged back into one being without concern. Now... I can't imagine it. Life without any one of them is unthinkable."
Kaworu pulls Gridman in, and the Hyper Agent allows it, burying his face in his boyfriend's shoulder, stretching his legs out across Kaworu's lap. "Thank you for telling me. Realizing this on my own, in the midst of battle, would've been catastrophic."
"Alexis Kerib is truly worthy of being feared, if he can do this to a Giant of Light. What must he be capable of against huamns, or Repli-Compoids? All the more reason I have to face him as soon as possible. If he turned this ability against Akane..." Gridman trails off, unwilling to put his fears into words.
Gridman allows himself a few more moments, hiding from everything in Kaworu's embrace. Then he raises his head and looks his partner in the eyes, determined to face this. "Did Anosillus II mention if merging all of us together again would be irreversible? That's the most important issue. If we can combine and separate as we have been, then the choice will be in their hands."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"I agree," Kaworu says of Anti. Gridman drapes his legs over his lap, and Kaworu encourages it, tugging gently on his waist to let him sit on his lap entirely if he so chooses. Otherwise, he simply holds him as he is, stroking his red hair with the backs of his fingers.
"You're welcome," he replies quietly. "I think the time to face Alexis Kerib is coming soon. The Galeoria Pliers are almost ready, and Rikka is working on a bid to finally, decisively reach Akane's heart. He... Alexis Kerib won't let these matters pass without comment."
Gridman trails off, and Kaworu lets him. For a moment, there is silence. Then Gridman lifts his head to look him in the eyes. Kaworu returns his gaze. "She did not. I don't know that she knows that much. She only said that she realized your true identities as soon as she saw you." This doesn't seem strange to Kaworu. He knows well that there are some things that are simply obvious.
"You've been able to combine with members of the Neon Genesis Junior High Students in combat, and you've separated without issue. However, that could be because it wasn't all of you at once." He leans his head back and stares at the ceiling in consideration. "It isn't the same as your situation, but... from what I've observed of when a soul is split and later recombined, there are some... cracks, afterwards. Even a complete soul may change in key ways if transmigrated to a different body."
He lifts his head and meets Gridman's gaze anew. "Even so, a plate that is broken and then mended is still a plate. Regardless of whether there are cracks, or if its pieces no longer exactly aligned, or even if there are pieces of it still gone, it is still a plate. It does not become a bowl, or a cup, or a vase."
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
For the first time, Grimdan's thankful for Yuta Hibiki's small stature. Being only 5'2" lets him fit perfectly in Kaworu's lap. Heart skipping a beat, Gridman settles in carefully. If Kaworu could carry him in his arms, Gridman won't be too heavy to rest in his lap, right? Not that Kaworu would speak up if he was... No, he's just going to enjoy this. It's wonderful, being this close to someone so important.
Kaworu can feel it as Gridman shudders, thinking of facing Alexis Kerib again. "You're right. He must know that he's losing his hold on Akane, and on Tsutsujidai as a whole. I have to be prepared... I have to be ready to do this on my own, if I have to."
"I'm amazed Nidaime knows so much, she's always been so carefree. Her faith in everyone must give her confidence." Gridman murmurs, running a fingertip gently down Kaworu's arm. As his boyfriend meets his gaze, he smiles reflexively. Kaworu is so handsome.
"Yes. With one splinter believing he was a distinct entiy, that may have kept everyone's individuality safe." Kaworu seems to have personal experience here. Something to remember, and ask about later. "I see. So even if we do recombine, we'll still be capable of battling Alexis Kerib. We'll still be a Giant of Light."
Gridman will still be himself. The thought is comforting. Taking on even one year of memories from another entity was daunting, he can't imagine doing it four more times.
"Especially if they're pieces of me, they'll find this information distressing. Do you think... Would it be dishonest to keep this from them, until we've finished our fight? If they find out now, I worry..." Gridman sighs. "It's already a heavy burden. I don't want to ask more of them than I have to, and I already require so much. We haven't even talked about if they want to return home after Tsutsujidai is saved."
"I want to stay." Gridman says, quietly, looking into Kaworu's eyes. "This is my home, now. Even with everything Sigma told me. I can't throw away the bonds I've made here. I... don't want to leave you, especially.
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
Gridman certainly isn't too heavy. Being as close as they are, too, Kaworu can feel him better--like when he shudders as they discuss Alexis. His gaze on him is steady, but he doesn't say anything on the matter just yet. Instead, he continues to smile as he enjoys Gridman touching his arm. Gridman, as Yuta, had acknowledged that maybe things wouldn't work out in the long term, but even so he thought they would have fun together. And indeed, Kaworu does feel good when he's with him.
Gridman suggests that one splinter believing he was distinct must have kept everyone's individuality distinct. Kaworu considers this. He's not certain of that much, but-- "Yes. You will definitely still be able to fight, in my opinion." He pauses. "Individuality is... a complex issue. Complex, and very dear to those who have it. There are reasons why it's good to be one, and there are reasons why it's good to be many. If Calibur and the others decided they want to remain individuals, I wouldn't fault them."
Is keeping it from them dishonest, though? Kaworu's smile turns rueful. "Do you think it was dishonest of me to keep it from you? After all, I'm not even involved, and yet I kept something that was intimately about you," he points out. "Ultimately, you know them best, and you know yourself best. And you thanked me for telling you, did you not?"
He wants to stay, though. Kaworu returns his gaze. Asuka had told him that Gridman had said he would need to leave, but... Kaworu knows well what it's like to have one's mission conflict with one's personal desires. His gaze softens.
"You said before that you need to be ready to do this on your own if you must. But you aren't alone. Even when you're apart, you're in our minds and hearts. Our souls will encourage you no matter where you are, even if it seems like you're by yourself. That's what separates you from Alexis Kerib. So whether you leave or you stay... you aren't throwing anything away, Gridman. I will always remember you."
Kaworu shifts slightly, letting him lean in close. As his lips draw in to Gridman's and his eyelashes drift shut, he murmurs, "Even if we end up far apart, you will never leave me, Gridman."
<Pose Tracker> Gridman has posed.
"If they do choose to permanently join with me, I'll have a lot of figuring out to do. I don't know how to take care of cats, or gardens." Gridman murmurs, worried about the smallest aspect of this problem. "I hope the 'net comes back up soon. I should learn the things important to my comrades, in any case. Before anyone makes a decision, I'll be certain we talk it out together."
Was Kaworu dishonest? "No, of course not! You had your reasons to keep it from me. It would've been impossibly confusing before now, even with the best of intentions. But you make a good point... I was grateful to know, so they probably would be, too." Yellow eyes flicker closed for a moment, and Gridman nods to himself. "Yes. I'll tell them as soon as I can -- I'll find the opportune moment."
Kaworu's voice goes so soft. Gridman feels drawn in, his heart racing as he listens to his boyfriend. How can Kaworu speak with such confidence and love, on such an impossibly frightening topic? Being left behind, fighting on your own... How much has Kaworu faced, by himself? The thought makes Gridman's heart feel tight with worry.
"Kaworu--" He begins, but Kaworu's leaning in. Gridman's voice fades away, and his own eyes slip closed. Closing the last of the distance between them, his lips meet Kaworu's. A first kiss, both for this body, and this soul.
Gridman's eyes open again, once the kiss ends, and he smiles shyly, that familiar, wobbly grin present on his face. His cheeks are dusted bright red, only a few shades away from his hair.
"You're wonderful, Kaworu." Gridman whispers, blinking slowly. "I'll never leave you, and you'll never leave me. We'll always be together."
Leaning in again, Gridman kisses Kaworu once more. His lips are soft, with the faintest hint of apple-chapstick. Is it right to name his feelings? They're on the edge of a battle with a foe that's already defeated Gridman once before, shattering him into pieces. Could his soul take another hit like that?
Heart pounding, Gridman takes a soft breath. "I love you."
<Pose Tracker> Kaworu Nagisa has posed.
"I'm sure you'll be able to learn," Kaworu reassures Gridman, his smile affectionate. "Rei and I will help you." Though if Gridman talks it through with Calibur and the others, he's sure they'll come to some kind of agreement before any of that becomes necessary. When Gridman concedes his point and agrees to tell them as soon as he can, Kaworu strokes one of the tufts of his red hair.
How? Mmm... That certainly is a big topic, and it's not the topic they're discussing right now. Maybe one day they'll address it, but for now... it isn't really important. What's important is for Gridman to find resolution within himself, about himself. To find a state of being that he and all his selves can be all right with.
They kiss. It isn't Kaworu's first, but it is his first this time around, and it has been a very long time since the last. It's pleasant and a little dreamy, and when they pull apart, Kaworu rests his forehead on Gridman's. If he hadn't already been confident that he and 'Yuta' were the same, he would be now, seeing that wobbly grin.
"That's right. Because you're wonderful, too, Gridman," he murmurs back, low and loving.
This time, it's Gridman who takes the initiative on the kiss. Kaworu shuts his eyes and accepts it wholeheartedly. It truly feels good. He's glad he decided to take this chance. Even if they only have a short time together, he'll treasure this time always, just as he has his short times with Shinji.
They part once more. Kaworu's gaze softens, and he smiles. Gridman isn't the only one in his heart. He and Gridman will be separated eventually, inevitably. Knowing all that, knowing they both know all that, he murmurs, "I love you, too."
It's a good thing they're in the privacy of Yuta's apartment. They can stay like this for as long as they like.